Ok, so, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for the delay on this chapter; I didn't start it until a couple of days back, and I'm sorry. The next part will be up in a more timely fashion, I hope.
Thanks for the reviews I got, though! This chapter's dedicated to Alice (felines) because she's the best, I love her and she deserves it.
"You do understand the instructions I have given you, do you not, little Claire?"
Claire rolls her eyes as she hears Myrnin's words, looking up from the powder mixture she's creating in order to flash her tutor a slightly sarcastic smile. "No, I have completely no idea, because this is the first time that I have ever done this particular experiment and therefore am taking completely wild guesses as to what I ought to be doing." She's being sarcastic, naturally, but she knows that Myrnin doesn't understand this particular way of being, and that in mere seconds, he will be asking—
"But, Claire, you have done this experiment many times now, almost every day since you first started to learn from me, so I do not understand why you are struggling," Myrnin says, his brow furrowing. "I was sure that you would be able to master this easily…"
Laughing, Claire continues to make the product Myrnin wants her to make, reaching around past him for some sodium carbonate. As per usual, regardless of the heat procured from the flame less than a metre away from him, his skin is cooler than the average person's, but Claire doesn't linger on this puzzle; Myrnin said it's because he spends so much time indoors, in the dark, so his body doesn't absorb the heat from the sun. She's not sure if she believes him, but she possesses no evidence to the contrary, so therefore for that reason, Myrnin's the truth teller.
"Myrnin, I'm not mentally redundant," Claire says quietly, smiling at the man who's teaching her the more complex things about science that books alone could never wholly explain. "I was merely making fun of you for being so obtuse; I was considering whether or not it would be wise to put the sodium chloride in before the potassium permanganate, for the last few times that I have completed the step in the opposite order, it almost caused the experiment to fail. That's all."
She can feel his eyes resting on her, waiting for her to explain her decision. "And you have decided…?" he presses when she remains silent, and Claire turns to show him the bottle in her hand: sodium chloride. "I am pleased that you have noticed the issue in the ordering of the chemicals; it has taken you time, as I expected it would, but you have nevertheless proven yourself to be a great chemist and, in the future, a brilliant scientist. Congratulations, Claire, you may now step away from the cauldron and never have to make this foul creation again."
Smiling widely, Claire does as he says, making sure that she sets down the salt on the opposite side to anything that it may react with before taking a step backwards. "So I never have to make that ever again?" she confirms, picking up the glass of water that she left on the side earlier and taking a sip. It's cool and refreshing on her parched throat, the dryness of the artificially created flame having caused her to feel as though sandpaper has lined the tube between her lungs and her mouth, and Claire finds herself drinking more deeply than she had originally intended to.
Coughing, she looks up at Myrnin, who seems completely unconcerned about the fact that his assistant is choking in front of him. "Aren't you going to ask if I'm alright?" she manages to say between bouts of coughing, slightly shocked at the man's lack of manners. All he does is stand and look at her, not even attempting to offer his assistance, and in the depths of her mind, Claire's glad about this; she's getting to be independent, after all, and it isn't as if she's going to die from a slight cough, is she?
Almost as though he's read her mind, Myrnin replies, saying, "it isn't as though you were in imminent danger, would you not agree?" Picking up a piece of chalk, he tosses it between his hands, always catching it. "If you appeared to have been in danger from the, ahem, water, I would have naturally come to your aid. Yet you did not need me, and therefore I saw no need to interrupt your coughing."
Throwing him a look, Claire takes a step back towards the table, unsure as to the source of her annoyance; only seconds ago, she was thinking about how glad she was that he wasn't attempting to ask her if she was well when it was quite clear that she wasn't going to die…and now, now she's almost wanting Myrnin to be concerned about her. She wants him to show the concern Shane would have done, if this had occurred in his presence, wants to know that she means something to him other than being merely his assistant in the workplace…not that she will say this, naturally. What they have is a situation which could form a friendship—Claire most certainly hopes that it does—but, first and foremost, is something which aids Myrnin with his research and makes sure that she knows everything that she can know about science. That's all she wants, after all, even more than to know that Myrnin has concern over her well-being.
"So, now that I've passed your test, what are you going to have me do?" Claire asks, keen to know just how her learning is going to develop. Normally after she brews this particular potion for want of a better word, she sits down with Myrnin, reading through one of the many leather-bound volumes that litter the laboratory, but she's hoping that today will be slightly different. After all, she's proven that she knows enough about the subject in order to be able to advance to more technically difficult levels of science, and that's what she's hoping that Myrnin will recognise.
His eyes dart to the clock that rests on the counter, and something almost imperceptible changes within his face. Claire knows what the answer will be. "Nothing today, young one," he says, taking a step backwards from where Claire stands. He picks up a book and begins to flick through it, taking as little care as he always does with his possessions. "Your Shane will wonder why you take so long to aid the old woman in the village every day; you must have some days on which you return home earlier than planned…unless, of course, you tell him about this arrangement we have." His voice is light and hopeful, but Claire groans internally; she cannot tell Shane that she comes here to learn from Myrnin about a subject that most of the aristocracy despise. It's inappropriate enough that she comes to learn from a man alone in the dark, let alone about a subject as taboo as science.
"Very well," Claire sighs. "Though tomorrow, if you force me to conduct that particular experiment again, I will have to hand in my notice as your assistant," she continues, a snort of laughter escaping her lips. "Goodbye, my friend, and enjoy your evening," are her parting words as she walks through the door from the laboratory, into the outside world.
She never realises when inside just how claustrophobic and dark it really is; because she's leaving earlier, the sun is even higher in the sky and it almost hurts her head as she walks down towards the main street, the feeling of freedom from the small building unusual given that she is walking through streets of tightly packed buildings. But Claire's happy; thanks to these visits of the past weeks, it's made living with Shane, knowing what he did to her books, bearable…and sometimes, Claire even thinks that it helps her to love him more. She does love Shane, she knows that, but it's not a deep and passionate love, one born more from necessity and continued closeness than a desire to love the other.
In the pocket of her dress are the notes that she made at the beginning of her session with Myrnin, tucked away underneath the handkerchief she always carries along with a small book of prayers; she always likes to carry it, even though she isn't the most religious of all the people in the country, because there's always a chance that she could need it when out.
(And it's a good explanation for her having something in her pockets, therefore disguising whatever she wants to hide.)
Walking along the country lane back to her home, Claire thinks through everything that she's learnt throughout the past three weeks; every day of the week, save for Sunday, she's visited Myrnin's laboratory and discovered so much about science that she didn't know before. Some things are as simple as the number of elements that currently have been discovered—though Myrnin feels that he has found another, though he can't prove it for some reason Claire doesn't yet know—and some are so complex that they disprove the limited level of learning she had prior to engaging in work with him. From now on, however, the complexity of what she can learn will increase to levels she's sure that she cannot even begin to comprehend at the current moment in time what she'll be able to do, even next week. Claire's certain that her learning curve will take a steep incline now that she's made this breakthrough, made her a worthy student to teach in Myrnin's eyes, because why would he hold back on teaching someone like her, now that he's made this judgement about her?
In the depths of her heart, she knows that soon, one day not that far in the future, she's going to have to give up her illicit lessons with Myrnin, going to have to leave science behind her for good; it will be too hard to disappear for hours on end when she has a child—something which she knows will happen in the coming months, that much is almost certain given her position and who she's married to—and that will mark the end of her career in science. Yet that only gives her more determination to learn absolutely everything she possibly can, because if science is a ticking clock, certainly going to end before she's had a chance to understand more than a smattering of the religion of science, she wants to know as much as she can before that final chime rings.
She's going to become the mistress of science, she knows it; the question is, will she have the time to do it?
~x~
"How was Mrs Humphries today?" Shane asks Claire as they sit at dinner, and she hesitates for a fraction of a second. It's not long enough for him to notice, not even as he stares at her, and she internally chastises herself for not instantly recognising what he meant with his words.
"She was quite well," is all she says in response, instead choosing to take a relatively large bite of her beef. "She is beginning to cope more with the loss of her child, though I fear that she will need my assistance for a good while longer before she is able to return to her ordinary life."
In order to be able to enter the town every day without raising suspicion from her husband, Claire pretends to assist a mother, who fairly recently lost her child in a mystery attack. It continues to befuddle the authorities as to how the child became so chalky white, as though they had no blood left in their body, and if Claire happened to be superstitious, she would cry out vampire, but she won't because she isn't. In her view, if science cannot explain it, then it must be God's work, though it could potentially be something that science is yet to determine. Her opinion is always unclouded by judgement or fear, and yet her curiosity in this case sparked such an interest that she decided to aid the woman. Every afternoon, she takes a basket of food and other stuffs to Mrs Humphries, just to say that she has been, and sometimes, she does stay for a little while longer—yet not normally. It's the cover story that she's been feeding Shane for three weeks now, and she knows that it can last long into the future; the woman in question is very mentally unstable at the loss of her child, and Claire knows that even with her assistance, the woman will never recover. It's a perfect reason for her to continue to visit her, because Shane's well aware of Claire's determination never to give up—it's what 'makes him love her even more', and Claire doesn't really care what it makes him do so long as he doesn't bar her from leaving the house during the day.
Shane smiles as he reaches across the table for Claire's hand, something she allows him access to quite readily. "I am pleased to hear that; it is good that you have something worthwhile to occupy your time before we have our heir to this estate," he comments, and inside, Claire feels a flair of anger. The baby they will have is not just the heir to the estate and titles that Shane possesses; it is a living creature, something that they have the power to shape and mould, and she's determined that it will be raised as a proper individual, someone she will be proud to show to the world.
Yet she manages to make herself smile and look at Shane as though she loves him and only him, hearing herself say, "yes, I agree, it's better for me than merely sitting here and looking pretty; I want to make a difference."
(She pretends not to notice the grimace that passes over Shane's face as she says the final sentence.)
~x~
The time seems to fly by as her days are filled with Myrnin and science – even Sundays, the one day of the week she never visits, don't drag by as much as she expected they would; those hours Shane has to 'deal with business' are easily filled with reviewing her notes of the previous week. She doesn't need to, though, because even as the material becomes more and more challenging, Claire finds she can understand it perfectly. It makes her feel as though she's doing something though, and that's why she does it; the feeling she gets as she takes a sneaky peek at her notes whilst she does her sewing is divine.
"You're doing extremely well," Myrnin comments one day, six weeks after her learning really begins. "An apprentice I had when in Wales couldn't even manage the basics of alchemy, yet you've taken to it like a duck to water. I am most impressed, young Claire."
His comment startles Claire; she never knew he was in Wales. People she's spoken to report that he's lived here for six years, and that he rarely leaves his home—or, at least they never notice him leaving. The only indication of him having contact with another seems to be a mysterious blonde woman who appears every so often for short periods of time, but even knowledge about her is limited; the locals say that she appears in the dead of night and leaves at around the same time, never to be seen during the day. The only comment anyone has about her is the fact that she is extremely beautiful—and even that isn't confirmed. Then again, Claire supposes, she knows almost nothing about him; he knows her entire life story, almost, and she barely knows more than his name and information she's scrounged from other sources.
"You were in Wales?" Claire can't help but ask. "When? Why did you leave its idyllic greenery, the rolling mountains and the clear blue brooks…?" she trails off, an image of Wales in her mind. She's only ever visited once, and she's desperate to return in the future, though when that will be remains undetermined.
He smiles a small smile, his lips barely moving, and Claire understands somehow, that he didn't mean to tell her about his time in Wales; he slipped in whatever game he's playing, and all that does is make Claire ten times more determined to ensure that she discovers just what it is that he's hiding. "Can you not hear the accent, my dear apprentice?" he asks, and only then does Claire hear the lilting undertone of a Welsh man. "I was born there and lived in the country for a period of time, until I needed chemicals and equipment that the rural community could not offer, so I came here."
Claire can tell that he's leaving something out and for a minute, she wants to push it, but decides to change tact and try and discover something else that's spiked her curiosity. "How have you learnt so much and yet are so young?" she asks, setting down her quill on the bench as she leans forwards. He's so young, so truly handsome, that he takes her breath away when she looks at him from certain angles, and until she recalls that she's married and to have thoughts like this are almost infidelity.
There's a flash of something in those chocolate brown eyes which are usually so kind, and it scares Claire; it's barely there and then it's gone, but in that moment, Myrnin looks like a predator, someone who wants to hurt her. Then it's gone, but the kindness is forced; she can tell the difference between the way that his eyes usually light up and how they are now, and they're not the same. He's hiding something, and Claire wants to press it, she really does, but she knows that whatever answer he gives her now is the only answer she will get from him.
"I am merely someone with a brain that is much more developed than most people," he finally replies, looking away from Claire as he speaks. "It has allowed me to learn much faster and therefore left me at a stage far more advanced than most other people can manage…and who is saying that I am young? I may be scores of years older than you see me, Claire, I may very well be." There's something in his tone that's dark and fierce, almost daring her to continue asking questions, but she resists; this is a Myrnin she never wants to see again.
So, very deliberately, Claire turns her gaze back to the sheet in front of her. "So, if I magnify this, then it will give me the square root of that?" she asks him, already knowing the answer is yes but wanting to change the subject.
The change in Myrnin is enormous; he's back to the cheerful, friendly soul that she's grown to like—love?—and Claire's almost put at ease that this is how he really is. Still, part of her considers that there's more to Myrnin than meets the eye…and she's determined
to discover just what it is.
~x~
Claire's scared.
She's not scared of anyone in particular, not fearful of a time of the year or a location, but of what she feels for people; as time ticks onwards and everything matures, she knows that she's doing something wrong. She doesn't love Shane, doesn't want to be with him even though she knows that he's probably the best husband she could have ever asked for (according to her mother, he doesn't even take a mistress when he's away, which is extremely rare) and that worries her. It's getting harder and harder for her to pretend to be as she was when they first married, and that shows that something's wrong; they've not even been married three months and she's already barely coping. How she's going to cope with children and being with Shane for the rest of her life, Claire honestly doesn't know.
More than that, her feelings in the laboratory are changing, and she can't tell whether it's merely because she wants someone to love, or whether she really does want Myrnin, because it feels a little bit when she fell for Shane. She's gone from merely being friends with Myrnin to considering him as someone she could be with for eternity within weeks, and whilst that's longer than the entire hour it took her to 'fall for Shane', she feels that it's too quick.
Yet she also knows that she has so much in common with Myrnin; as she sits with him, learning about the theory of alchemy before she practises it (Myrnin says that whilst it's more boring, it's safer and he doesn't want her to be hurt, something which fuels her feelings even more) Claire notices his features so much more than she used to; his nose is very slightly crooked, as though it was broken when he was a small boy, and he has translucent scars on his neck as though he was slashed with a knife at some point. His fingers are long and supple, just as pale as the rest of his body, and those fleeting moments she catches him shirtless when one of the sleeves catch fire—which happens all the time, so she really ought to be used to seeing his chest—her breath catches in her throat.
And it's more than just his looks, the things they have in common are too numerous to count. They both adore science, could sit there and discuss it for the rest of eternity and never get bored; whilst they differ on some opinions, she feels that that sparks more interesting discussions than if they happened to share the same opinion on everything—and anyway, Claire isn't afraid to argue with Myrnin the way that she is with Shane. He's interested in literature, as is she; they both enjoy walks in the park (though admittedly, he doesn't mention when he goes out, and a cynical Claire thinks that it's mainly at night when he ventures out of his home) and something about the sense of humour Myrnin has reminds her of what she finds funny. It's drier than most people's, and both of them prefer a subtle sense of irony in their jokes than the obvious, mostly crude preference of so many members of court and society—inclusive of Shane.
He's everything she ever wanted her husband to be; it's just unfortunate that he isn't her husband, isn't it?
As she sits in the laboratory, working away at some problems that Myrnin has directed her to do, she gets distracted. Myrnin's working away in the corner with some metal, his face illuminated by the light emitted from the candle beside him, and she can't help but focus on the concentration that's evident on his face. She can't think of a word to describe him other than beautiful, even though there's the words determined and focused that would do the job adequately, also…but that's what he is.
Beautiful.
There's something about the delicateness of him that takes her breath away; she knows that he's muscular and strong, she's seen that in the way that he can lift huge pieces of equipment across the laboratory, but it doesn't seem possible given that he's so lean and wiry. His shirt ripples as he moves his arms, and through the thin, white material, Claire can see his chest, and she has to force her eyes back to his head, back to the black hair tied back in a bow, back to the determined crease between his eyebrows that proves to Claire that he's focused on what he's doing.
She knows in this moment that her love for him is infinite; there's no way that she can ever stop loving him, as she has done with Shane, because…because she just knows. It's already been longer than it took her to fall in and out of love with Shane, and that's a pretty strong indicator that perhaps, this love could be something that's real. It's based on something that's true and shared, rather than merely a 'good match' so that she can live comfortably for the rest of her life with a man who will treat her right, and whilst Claire can't say that she dislikes living with Shane, she knows that to be with Myrnin would be so, so much more.
Yet she cannot have him, and that's the double-edged sword of love: she can love someone so dearly, and yet he can never be more than a secret to the rest of the world, because she's already married. He can only ever be a dirty, illegal secret that, if discovered, could destroy whatever dignity and reputation she's managed to build for herself over the past months. That's the hardest, most heart-breaking part of all, because love should conquer all, and yet in this situation, love is conquered by position and fear.
"Whatever is the matter, my Claire?"
Myrnin's voice startles Claire, and she blinks once, then twice to realise that Myrnin's gaze is on her, that he's been watching her watch him.
A blush rises in Claire's cheeks and she barely stops herself garbling out some sort of apology, because she isn't sorry that she's been looking at him—she isn't, because if she's honest, she wants nobody other than him, nobody other than the man who can teach her everything about science and be with her all along the way. Shane doesn't even know that she comes here, and she can tell that he doesn't really care what she does throughout the day, so long as it is respectable…and her love for science most certainly isn't.
"I…I…you were concentrating so intently that I…I was inspired," she murmurs quietly, not sure if he can hear, yet she knows he can. He knows everything, somehow, and can always hear her, no matter how far away in the laboratory she is. It should scare her, but in all honesty, she's rather amazed that he could pay so much attention to her.
(It's almost enough to give her the opinion that he feels the same about her, given how much he looks at her and makes her feel important all the time…but not quite.)
He stands up slowly and takes a step towards her, a smile on his lips that reaches his eyes, and it's one that makes her feel full of confidence, absolutely certain that they're close friends, if nothing more. He's never smiled at her like this before, though, and…and if she was someone who happened to have a lot of knowledge about relationships between men and women and what the signal are, she would be confident that his smile means that he loves her, too.
But she isn't, so she doesn't think that her interpretation is right; after all, just what does she know about love? She's married to someone she can't ever see herself loving after a brief crush on him, and that's the only relationship she's ever had. She's no expert on this, is she?
"You inspire me," is Myrnin's reply, and Claire takes a sharp intake of breath; she can't tell if he means what she thinks by that, or if she's reading too far into it. "It's because of you, Claire, that I seem to make so many more discoveries now…it's almost as though you've created a new drive in me to find things out, just so that I can dedicate them to you."
This, however, makes her mind up; he feels the same way. It's impossible, stupid and above all too quick, but Claire's certain that the way that she feels is true and real, and that Myrnin's feelings are mirrored. He wouldn't have said that if he didn't consider her more than an apprentice, would he?
Claire knows this is wrong, so absolutely wrong that she can't even put it into words; she's married, and yet the urge to do something, to press her lips to Myrnin's is too great. She doesn't know if she'll be able to resist, doesn't know if she can be the good girl who doesn't ever do anything wrong (even though she's been lying for weeks and weeks now about where she goes during the day) because this is all she wants. If she had to choose between wealth and Shane or science and Myrnin, she knows that the second one would be her choice every time, no matter what the situation. Even living in poverty would be better if it was with Myrnin.
She doesn't know how but one moment she's sat down, the next she's standing and taking a step towards Myrnin, her eyes focused on his face, reading every minute change in his expression. There's almost a hunger there; what for, she doesn't know, but she's certain that a similar sort of lust will be apparent in her eyes.
"Claire, I…" Myrnin begins, but before he can finish, she's closed the gap between them and is pressing her lips to his.
It's indescribable, the feeling that passes through Claire's body as their lips collide, something that she's never felt before, not even when she felt that she loved Shane. His hands wrap around her waist, pulling her closer to him, and hers wrap around his neck, the feeling of his cool skin brilliant against the feverish sensation that's beginning to creep over her. There's no way that Claire can consider doing anything but kiss Myrnin; every ounce of her concentration is focused on the man in front of her, and if she had her own choice, she'd never leave his side again.
Finally, however, common sense creeps back in, and Claire remembers.
She remembers Shane.
She remembers that she's married.
She remembers that this is wrong.
Horrified with herself more than anything else, Claire lets out a gasp and removes her arms from around Myrnin's neck, tugging backwards to get out of his grip. She can tell he's surprised and that's why he lets her go so easily, but she doesn't care why he lets her go, all she cares about is getting away, getting out of the laboratory and never going back.
Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand to try and get rid of the taste of Myrnin, (it doesn't work) Claire reaches over to grab her shawl, tripping over her skirts in her haste to get out of the laboratory, whilst Myrnin just stands there, not moving. All he does is look at her.
"This…that was a mistake," Claire snaps out, not meaning to bark out the words, she just…does. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…I love Shane, and I'm married to him for the rest of my life, Myrnin. I didn't mean to cause this…I'm sorry. You won't have to see me again."
With this, she turns towards the door and begins to climb the steps towards the street, and Claire gets the feeling that Myrnin's moving faster than she's ever seen him move before—inhumanely fast—but she doesn't turn around. If she turned around and saw him broken, tears streaming down his face as they are down hers, then she'd have to go back and apologise and kiss his tears from his face, and then she'll never be able to leave. Only because she doesn't know what it's like to be with Myrnin in an official relationship, is she able to leave. If she had been with him officially as well as Shane, she'd never do this, yet she hasn't, so she has to leave.
"Don't go," Myrnin calls after her as she begins to run down the street, and the noises that emit from the laboratory almost drag her back; there's clanging and shattering of glass and noises that don't sound human—sounds of suffering, of the heartache that she's caused by the selfish decision to kiss a man she can never have.
It's hard, but she manages to put his words out of her mind as she runs down through the town, ignoring the looks of confusion on people's faces as she passes them. Tears stream down her face, blurring and obscuring her vision, but she knows her way home; she's beat her way down this path numerous times over the past three months, and she could do it blindfolded if need be. Yet as she gets further away from him, Myrnin's words seem to call out louder in her head, screaming and yelling at her, merging into one in order to create a large mess of sound in her head that just makes her want to collapse to the ground and rock herself into a stupor to numb the pain.
But she fights on, managing to calm herself before she reaches her home, just so that Shane doesn't grow suspicious as to why she's been crying.
She'll never return to the laboratory, that much is certain.
~x~
That night, for the first time in twelve weeks, Myrnin goes on the hunt again—a hunt to kill.
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