Chapter 4

The next two weeks go by with Blair trying to recover from her first round of Chemo. She gets close to calling up her oncologist and telling him "I've changed my mind; I don't want any more treatments. I'd rather die." But every time she has the phone in her hand she thinks of Paul.

She hasn't heard from Dan Humphrey, nor has she tried to get back in touch with him. She's got other things to worry about. Like making sure she's near a toilet at all times.

Lily however does manage to leave her about 6 voicemails. Blair finally calls her back when she starts feeling a little better and agrees to bring Paul by to meet Rufus.

They arrive at the Van Der Woodsen/Humphrey household and she's thankful that this meeting goes smoother than Dan's. Rufus is a lot better at hiding his anger at Blair and more at ease with Paul.

Paul tells Rufus that "Rufus" is one of his middle names. Rufus looks at Blair surprised; Blair just shrugs and tells Paul that Rufus is his other grandfather.

Paul lights up "Just like Grandpa Harold?"

"Yes, like Grandpa Harold, only Grandpa Rufus makes waffles!"

Paul glances at Rufus from the side and sheepishly asks Blair, "Are they any good?"

"Only the best puffin! See if maybe your grandpa wouldn't mind showing off and passing down the family waffle recipe".

Lily and Blair go off to talk as the "men" cook. Lily asks Blair if she's talked to Serena yet. Blair looks down and says, "no, I haven't built up the nerve yet."

Lilly just nods her head.

They catch up.

Lily has been helping Chuck manage Bass Industries. The company has expanded and made record profits. Blair can't help but notice how proud Lily is of Bass Industries. She also talks about how well Chuck is doing and Blair sees the genuine love that Lily feels for her adopted son. It makes her sad to think that Chuck never really realized how much Lily cared for him.

Chuck is on wife number 2 right now. Lily shakes her head sadly and tells Blair that she doesn't think that Chuck will ever find what he's looking for.

Blair looks down. She knows that out of all her friends Chuck would have been the one who would have welcomed her back with open arms. He would leave which ever wife he was with to be with Blair if she asked him. Well at least she thinks so. But she can't go back to Chuck.

Never.

As much as she had loved him and he had loved her, they brought out the worst in each other.

Anyways a disastrous reconciliation of Blair and Chuck was the last thing she needed, the last thing Paul needed.

Lily tells Blair that Eric had dropped out of college to pursue acting. He's got a supporting role on an ABC drama called Vengeance or something like that. Lily gushes about his success and really all Blair can pick out is that it's set in the Hamptons and he's very happy. Blair is grateful. If there was anyone on the Upper East Side who had a heart of Gold it was Eric. He deserves happiness and success.

Lily asks Blair how she is doing. Blair knows this question is asked because of how she looks. She knows she looks exhausted and while concealer and light diffusing powders help, there are some things that can't be completely concealed.

Blair just tells her she's still adjusting to the time zone change and that she thinks in the next few days she should have a regular sleeping schedule.

Lily nods.

The rest of the afternoon goes by quickly. Rufus is delighted with Paul, and Blair can see that Paul has been won over by Rufus's waffles. Paul's having such a good time, Blair hates that she has to take him back to the penthouse; it seems so lonely there at times. But when Paul starts yawning, Blair announces that it's time for them to leave.

Lily helps Blair with her coat and hugs her as she's walking out the door. Rufus tells Paul that he hopes to see him again. Paul reciprocates the feeling.

As Paul take's Blair's hand, Rufus pushes a box in her free hand.

"Waffles, for Paul… for breakfast tomorrow morning." He says tensely.

Blair understands. While Lily may have forgiven Blair and is ready to accept her back into her world the Humphreys aren't. You don't nearly destroy Jenny, break Dan's heart, and hide a piece of their family for 5 years and expect a welcome home party. Oh no, as kind hearted as the Humphreys can be, there's hell to pay when you mess with one of their own… and Blair messed with three of them… well, technically, Paul is a Waldorf, but the fact that he shares DNA with them marks her as persona non grata.

He walks off quickly, back into the apartment and she heads to the elevator a little more triumphant. After all she faced down two Humphreys in the past two weeks, all while experiencing her first round of Chemotherapy.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

They arrive at the penthouse very late. The traffic from Lily's was bumper to bumper. Dorota was waiting for them as they walked in. Dorota takes Paul up stairs to go to bed and Paul starts to jabber about his afternoon at Lily's. He tells Dorota that he wants her to make waffles. Before they head into his room she hears Dorota laugh and tell him, "Waffles is for Humphrey to make. I make polish food for you."

When Paul falls asleep, Dorota comes in to check on Blair. She really doesn't have to and Blair doesn't expect it, but she appreciates it. Dorota starts brushing her hair but stops when she realizes that there are a lot of strands falling out with each brush stroke. Blair just watches them fall off her brush and shrugs. She knew it was going to happen.

When Dorota goes home, Blair grabs her phone. She holds the phone in her hand for ten minutes before she calls Serena.

Serena answers cheerfully and Blair begins to hope. She remembers how Serena used to greet her, how she would be happy to hear her on the other line. She begins to hope that maybe enough time has passed. After all they are grown up and aren't competing anymore. Surely she's heard about Paul and wants to meet him. Who knows, maybe after meeting Paul and seeing what an amazing child Blair has managed to raise so far, Serena's heart will start to soften.

But that doesn't happen.

When she realizes who she's talking to, her cheerful tone turns angry. It doesn't go well. Serena refuses to meet with Blair. Blair pleads with Serena to just meet with her, reminds her that they're practically sisters and that she wants Paul to meet her. Serena tells her that she should just go back to Paris, she's not welcome here.

Blair starts crying, "I can't have you angry at me forever Serena. I just want the chance to make it up to you."

Serena hangs up. Blair drops her phone, puts her head into her pillow and screams.

Somewhere in another part of the Upper East Side, Serena is shaking and crying.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The next few days pass by uneventfully. Paul finds himself settling into New York and Dan has texted Blair about meeting him again. Blair responds that Paul can spend the night with Dan in Brooklyn this weekend if he wants. He replies, "That's fine."

Blair hopes that she will start feeling better in time to drop Paul off in Brooklyn. She knows she looks awful. Her hair has become dull and it continues to fall out. While she can still pull off having hair for now, she knows it's only a matter of time before she needs to go bald.

She's also exhausted and knows it shows on her face. She usually gets about 2 hours in every night before she wakes up to retch. The nausea meds aren't doing anything for her, but she doesn't dare tell her doctor. He had told her that if she wasn't getting much relief with the oral ondansetron to contact the office and that he would write her a prescription for ondansetron suppositories.

Blair wouldn't of course. She would rather vomit into every disgusting toilet Brooklyn had to offer before she went the rectal route to control her nausea.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Later on that night Paul is in bed. Tired from the play date he had with Dorota and Vanya's kids. Vanya takes his children back home and Dorota promises her brood that she will be back in Queens as soon as she gets Miss Blair to bed.

Blair knows that Dorota is hovering because she's worried. Blair has lost a lot of weight since starting treatment and she looks worse every day. Blair doesn't know what words to say to comfort Dorota so she just dismisses Dorota's worried eyes. Things are a lot easier to deal with, when you just don't deal with them.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Dan somehow finds himself at a bar, drinking overpriced bourbons. It takes 4 tries to dial Nate's number correctly. Jenny answers and asks Dan when she will get to meet Paul. He promises her this weekend. She passes the phone to Nate and Dan talks him into meeting him at the bar.

Nate walks in and sees how drunk Dan is. He's slurring his words, talking loudly, and irritating the bar tender. Nate orders some water for Dan which Dan dutifully starts drinking. He knows that when Nate says he's had enough, well he's had enough.

When he feels a little better Dan tells him everything. Nate just sits there in disbelief.

It takes him a while before he manages to say anything. He agrees with Dan that Blair is a bitch to have done what she did. But he also says he can understand why she did it.

Dan puts down his water, suspiciously looks at Nate and says, "Expand on that Archibald."

"Look, I'm not saying what she did was okay in anyway. But come on, we know Blair. She buries herself in these tough layers, but when you get down to the core of her, she's just an insecure, scared, lonely girl. She did the only thing she knew to do, she ran."

"I've never known Blair to run from a problem. She just faced everything with snarky words and her monstrous ways."

"Not all the time. You remember when all that stuff happened between us with Chuck right? During our Junior year at Constance/St. Judes? Everyone alienated her. She almost left New York then. She only stayed because Serena promised to help her fight. But this time, even Serena had enough of her…. So she did what Blair thought was her only option, she ran."

"Huh… Wait how do you know this?"

"Serena told me, a long time ago."

Dan just looks down into his empty glass of water. Nate grabs it, walks to the bar and gets a refill. He closes out Dan's tab and tips the bartender generously. "Sorry about my friend, he's usually really witty and charming."

"It's okay I see it all the time. Did his girlfriend just break up with him?"

Nate chuckles, "She's just got back in town."

The guy draws in his breath and shakes his head, "Not a happy reunion eh?"

"You can't even imagine how bad it is."

Nate brings the glass of water back to Dan and Dan starts downing it again.

Nate thinks out loud and says, "I wonder why she decided to show up in New York now? I wonder what could have happened in Paris?"

Dan mumbles "Maybe she got knocked up by her Parisian boyfriend."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Eventually, when Nate feels that Dan has sobered up enough he gets Dan into a cab and tells the cab driver the address to his loft. Hands the driver some bills and waves them off from the curb.

Dan decides that a detour is in order, slips the driver a few more bills and tells him a new address. "Upper East Side, please."

Dan is drunk and on his way up to Blair's penthouse to confront her. In the elevator he rehearses the questions he's going to ask Blair.

Blair has just put Paul to bed and is readying herself for bed.

She hears the ding of the elevator and Dorota, who's been getting ready to leave, hurries to greet whoever has just come to visit. Blair starts down the stairs, curious as to who would be here this late but stops 6 steps in as she recognizes his voice. He's very angry.

"I need to speak to her!"

"Please Mr. Dan, Miss Blair is very sick!"

But it's too late, Dan has already spotted her. He takes her in. She looks terrible. She's pale, really thin, and looks very tired. He almost takes a step back and rethinks grilling into her… almost.

She pushes her head up and continues down the stairs, "Really Humphrey, do they not teach you any manners in Brooklyn? I would have hoped the years you spent at St. Jude had refined you a little and taught you what hours are appropriate for visiting." She ends her snarky statement just as she finishes descending the stairs.

He can't believe it. Even after all she's done, she still feels the need to make him feel small. A few years ago he would have thought she was just baiting him to start their banter, but he knows now she's doing it because she's angry. What right does she have to be angry at him for? He can feel the tension growing in his stomach, moving up to his chest, and as he opens his mouth his voice comes out a lot louder than he means it too.

"You're criticizing me? What about you? Aren't you Upper East Side Princesses supposed to be classy? Yeah, get knocked up, run out of town, you are the epitome of class Blair Waldorf!" He realizes he's yelling, but he doesn't care.

"How could you? As much as I hated you I could have never done this to you. Why now? Why come back now? Why introduce us? HE DOESN'T KNOW ME! I DON'T KNOW HIM!"

Blair eyes are big and she puts her hands in front of her, as if she can block his verbal assault.

She's not ready to answer these questions. She thought he was going to angrily tell her that he was going to pick up Paul earlier, or later. She thought he might tell her she was a bitch, but these questions, she has no defense against them.

She shakily pleads, "Please Dan, Paul is upstairs and I can't have this conversation now…"

"Right! How can I forget? Because everything happens according to Blair's schedule! I can only be a father when Blair decides it's okay!"

He opens his mouth to throw more damming words at her but stops when he watches something very peculiar happen.

He watches as Blair's eyes roll back, and her body crumples to the ground… It's only when he hears Dorota screaming and sees Paul crying at the convulsing body of his mother does he realize what's happening and calls 911.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Everyone is at the hospital. Serena shows up and Dan can see the worry and the tears in her eyes. Nate's shows up as well. Jenny isn't with him, not that anyone would have expected her here. Dan asks how Jenny is doing and he says that she is at home, furious that Nate would come to see Blair in the hospital, hurt that she hasn't met Paul yet.

Chuck even shows up to the hospital with wife number 2 in tow.

Dan knows that Chuck will always love Blair, no matter what leggy woman is on his arm. The lines on his face are hard with tension and at this moment, he looks old and tired. He asks Lily, "How long has she been in New York?"

Dan thinks he's an ass for not even attempting to hide his affection for Blair Waldorf from his wife. For Chuck, Blair will always be a reminder of what he could've had. But that was his fault. She wanted to give everything of herself to him, but he decided his hotel was worth more, and then he did the unthinkable. He slept with his sister, Jenny, Blair's most hated enemy. But even after that she still fought for him, well, after her anger cooled. They couldn't resist each other.

But he ended up losing Blair anyways. First to a Prince, and then to a middle class writer from Brooklyn. Chuck was mortified.

Dan remembers telling Blair once before that she and Chuck had some weird pull on each other. The memory makes him sad. Because once upon a time Dan thought that he could make Blair as happy as Chuck made Blair miserable, and he tried, and it seemed like Blair was happy.

But Chuck was right, Blair was nothing without her schemes, and when she targeted Jenny for the simple fact that she felt Brooklyn J didn't belong with uptown Nate he realized how futile it was.

She didn't stop at public humiliation. She only stopped when she had publicly destroyed Jenny enough.

Jenny's dreams of being a designer went up in the flames of Blair's fury. Blair made sure that no one would ever trust Jenny with any designs and Jenny became a pariah in New York fashion circles. Blair was ruthless. When he realized it, it was too late. He had let himself fall in love with what he thought Blair Waldorf was. What he wanted Blair Waldorf to be.

She could be good, God, she could be great.

But regardless of her good qualities she was still the same Queen B from Constance. Spiteful and malicious. No amount of old movies, conversations about books, and delivered pizza would ever make her let go of the controlling and vicious parts of her.

That was when Blair broke his heart and he told her he hated her. That was when he stopped answering her phone calls. That was when he stopped opening the door to the loft when she knocked on it.

Lily and Eleanor are talking in the doorway of Blair's room they're talking in hushed tones and no one can make out what's being said. But they can tell by the way Lily covers her mouth with her hand that it's bad.

Paul is sitting on Rufus's lap, very sullen and refuses to look at anyone, especially Dan.

Serena looks in the window of Blair's room from the hallway and asks Dan, "What happened to her?"

"She had a seizure… Dorota said something about her being sick and one minute she was standing there listening to what I was saying, the next she's on the ground… it was awful." He grimaces and rubs his forehead at the memory "…awful."

Eleanor walks into Blair's room, sits by Blair's bed and takes her hand. She starts stroking her arm and she looks so mournful everyone is afraid of what Lily might tell them.

Lily comes up to the group, very grave. Tells Rufus to go take Paul to the cafeteria and that she will fill him in later. When they're out of ear shot she turns to the group.

"Eleanor just filled me in on what's going on. She had a seizure due to being severely dehydrated. They thought she might be in renal failure, but they think that she's going to pull through. Dorota says that she's been vomiting for the past 3 weeks so that would explain the electrolyte imbalance and extreme dehydration. She's stabilized now and she should be waking up here shortly. She's going to be okay…" but her voice falters as she realizes how wrong she is in saying that Blair is okay, she's anything but okay.

"Mom, what's wrong with her?" Serena softly asks.

Lily looks at her doppelganger daughter and bites her lip. She finally manages to say "Blair has cancer. It's a growth on her brainstem. I don't know much about it and Eleanor can barely talk. The prognosis isn't very good… She didn't want anyone to know, and she doesn't want Paul to know."

Everyone is silent.

Chuck looks angry, and immediately starts calling around for the best oncology doctors in the state, swearing he will get Blair the care she needs to get over this, his wife just looks confused and scared. Nate steps out, says he's going to call Jenny, Dan is just shocked.

Serena turns back to the window, presses her forehead against it, and watches Blair and Eleanor while silent tears stream down her face.

XOXOXOXOXO

Luckily I had some time and seeing as to how I had written this chapter up I decided to post it. I hope there wasn't too much melodrama. I think this might be the "darkest" chapter for a while. I really do want to make it lighter. I'll try to get other chapters up as soon as possible. I'd like to finish this story, and I hope it doesn't take me 5 months to do it, haha.

Thanks for reading.