Chapter 5

Blair is kept in the hospital for a few more days. True to his word, Chuck has the best oncologist in the state flown in to take on Blair's case.

The morning after everyone finds out about Blair's diagnosis he visits her with peonies in hand.

He puts the flowers on the nightstand near her bed and pulls a chair up to the bed.

He takes her hand and holds it to his cheek and for a moment he just closes his eyes.

"…. Chuck, I…" she starts, but he interrupts her.

"Why didn't you get in touch with me? You know I would have done anything to help you."

She pulls her hand away and looks down at them. "Thank you for the flowers Chuck" she says softly.

He looks at her with pleading eyes and she has a hard time meeting them.

"Blair, I don't give a shit what any doctor has said about your chances. I'm going to find the best doctors to take on your case; you're going to beat this."

Blair doesn't want to deal with Chuck's hopes; his hopes of her getting better, hopes of them getting back together. She doesn't know how to tell him that ultimately, she's probably not going to make it out of this.

Blair looks out the window, "You know it's nice out, I think I'm going to ask the staff if I can get a walk out on the hospital grounds today."

"You know I don't give a shit about the weather Blair."

"I've always loved New York in the spring" she says wistfully

Chuck starts to get angry and stands up. "Goddamnit Blair! Don't shut me out!"

She finally meet his eyes. "What do you want from me Chuck?"

Chuck just looks at her, "Do I even need to say it?"

She takes a deep breath and feels like she's going to cry.

"Chuck, I love you, I will always love you. But not in the way you want or even need, and you can't love me the way I want or need. " She tells him sadly.

"Blair, we ARE perfect for each other. If there is anyone who understands me it's you."

"No Chuck, we were awful to each other because we were so alike. You were just as lonely and vulnerable as I was and we both acted on those insecurities the same way. We constantly hurt the people around us, especially the ones we loved the most. I can't do that to Paul."

He looks at her, "No Blair, you're wrong." But he says it as if he's trying to convince her and himself.

"Chuck, we can never be. Go home. Go home to your wife. " She says gently.

He looks at her sadly, and he looks as dejected as he did the day she told him that she was in love with Dan Humphrey.

He finally leaves. Blair Waldorf watches his back as he walks away. She whispers, "Be happy, please Chuck, I need you to be happy."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Paul has been alternating between Rufus and Lily's place and Eleanor and Cyrus's home while Blair is in the hospital. Dan has been in Brooklyn trying to write, but inspiration has not been coming.

Dan decides to go visit Blair in the hospital. He's not sure why, but he feels compelled to go see her.

As he's walking down the hall to her room he hears laughing and giggling coming out of her room. As Dan enters the smell of maple syrup hits him. Rufus and Paul are there sitting around Blair's bed. They're all eating Waffles.

Rufus looks up.

"Hey Dan! Paul talked me into making some Waffles and bringing them for his mom, pull up a chair and join us."

Paul looks at Dan suspiciously. Dan plasters a smile on his face, pulls up a chair, and starts eating with them.

"Mom, do you like the waffles? I helped grandpa Rufus make them."

"Best. Waffles. Ever."

Paul starts climbing onto Blair's bed, Dan tries to helps him up, but Paul flinches and jerks his arm out of Dan's hand. The message is received, loud and clear. Paul heard everything Dan yelled at Blair that night.

Dan feels helpless and looks to Blair. She just looks sad and looks away quickly.

He can't help but feel angry and blame Blair.

But he sits there and eats his waffles and keeps smiling. He's not there to ruin the breakfast his son cooked up for Blair.

Paul nestles down in the crook of Blair's arm and starts telling her about the new school that Grandma Eleanor has been taking him to. He doesn't like it. Says all the kids are mean and snobby and he just wants to go back to Paris.

Blair looks at him surprised, "What? And miss out on Grandpa Rufus's waffles?"

This gets Paul giggling. Blair asks him to give it some time. That they will be back to visit Grandpa Harold and Roman when she starts feeling better and she reminds him that Grandpa Harold and Roman will be here in three months for his 5th birthday.

5th birthday. A shiver of anger shoots down Dan's spine as he thinks of the 4 birthdays that he never knew about. Blair made Dan a non-entity in the life of this little boy.

He swallows his anger and comments on how good the waffles are, Paul looks at him and politely says "Thank you" and then turns his attention back to his mom.

They are talking about his 5th birthday. He's listing off the food he wants served at his party.

Harold's pie, Rufus's waffles, Eleanor's… well Eleanor could order the ice cream. He wants mac and cheese and sushi, he wants a huge chocolate cake, he wants macaroons, and lots and lots of presents. 5 years old is a very big deal.

This gets Dan, Blair, and Rufus laughing. Blair promises all the food items and more.

"So uh, Paul, how about tonight you stay over at my place? I can't make waffles but I'm sure I can make us something to eat" Dan asks carefully.

Paul looks up to Blair, then looks back at Dan, mumbles, "Okay"

Dan swallows hard, knowing that spending a night with Dan Humphrey is the last thing Paul wants, "It'll be just for a night and then you can go back to Rufus and Lily's place"

Blair speaks up "Actually I'm getting discharged tomorrow evening, I will come pick you up, take you back to the penthouse where we can order Dorota around" she winks at Paul.

Paul brightens up, "You're coming home tomorrow? Are you better?"

Dan watches as Blair bites her lip, like she's on the verge of breaking down and just nods.

"Hey dad, why don't you take Paul back to your place to round up his belongings? I'd like to talk to Blair alone for a bit and I'll be there to pick him up around 4 pm?"

Paul looks scared for a moment, scared to leave his mom alone with Dan. Blair looks down, reassuringly and tells him to go, and to be sure to be ready tomorrow evening when she picks Paul up from Brooklyn.

Rufus cleans up and takes Paul out, promising Dan that he will be ready to head to Brooklyn by 4 Pm.

Dan and Blair are finally alone. Dan gets up and stares down at her. Blair sits in her bed, refusing to look at him, straightening out what she can of her hospital gown, waiting for him to start asking the questions that her seizure interrupted.

Dan realizes that the only time he's ever seen Blair looks this vulnerable was years ago. She had just had a fight with her best friend. Dan found her sitting in a hallway, looking very un-Blair like, staring down at her hands, showing him just how fragile a "95 pound, doe eyed, bon-mots tossing, label whoring package of girly evil" could be.

Dan feels himself soften up at the memory and just sighs and sits down in the chair he was occupying earlier.

He looks over at her nightstand and sees Pink Peonies in a vase of water. He knows who brought them.

"Looks like Chuck came by already" He doesn't mean for it to sound as bitter as it does.

Blair breaths out, "He came to tell me about the doctor he's found for me. He's the best in the state and Chuck's very hopeful."

"I'm sure he is."

"Dan… Don't. I'm not here to be with Chuck, I wouldn't do that to him or Paul,"

Dan just nods and clears his throat.

"So, you've got cancer…. That's why you came back?"

He can barely hear her reply, "New York is my home and Paul deserves to know his family."

"You know he's going to find out someday right? How sick you are."

"I'll cross that bridge when I get there"

"Don't you think that's a little selfish?" it comes out a little harsher than he expected.

Blair scoffs, "Oh didn't you know? I'm the most selfish person on the Upper East Side! Why should you or anyone else expect any different? You should know just how selfish I am!" She spits out these words and tries to seem angry, but Dan can't help but feel sorry for her. She looks so pathetic.

He puts his hands in his pockets and starts asking questions about Paul.

"When did you find out you were pregnant?"

"About 5 weeks after you told me you hated me and never wanted to see me again. I tried getting in touch with Serena, but after what I had done with Jenny, she didn't want to talk to me. I realized even Serena was through with me, and so decided to go to Paris. I couldn't face you and everyone else, not without her."

Dan can see the memory is painful for Blair and doesn't press it any further.

"What's he like?" he asks softly.

Blair smiles, "He's wonderfully brilliant. He's got all the best parts of me and all the best parts of you. He takes after you in how kind he is and he hates pretenses. Very wise beyond his years, he's an old soul. He can be a little insecure at times, something I may have passed on to him, but he takes on his insecurities with a determination. He's much better at handling them, much better than I was"

"He loves to read. Loves to watch movies. He's a film buff, but he also really likes AWFUL films. I don't know how but he was able to watch a Van Damme film on French TV. He LOVES Van Damme films. It's mortifying really."

Dan chuckles. He imagines Paul, serious and sensitive, watching and enjoying Van Damme movies while Blair pleads and tries to convince him that he doesn't like them.

"He hates Cabbage Patch Kids, finds them creepy. He cried when I tried to give him my old one, so hide Cedric"

Dan chuckles again and Blair is happy. Happy that he's not angry at her at the moment, happy that she is able to talk about Paul without Dan flashing angry eyes at her. Happy that while he doesn't seem to necessarily be enjoying her company, at least he's not acting as though being within 3 feet of her is repulsive.

They fall into silence again. Finally Dan coughs and asks her, "So, what is the prognosis?"

Blair takes a deep breath and shakily says, "I can hope for remission, but there is no surgery that's going to cure me. The area that the tumor is on makes it inoperable. So this will probably kill me. The only thing I can hope for is that I have enough time with Paul so that he will remember me."

"How long do you have?" It almost felt surreal asking Blair this. She had always seemed so powerful. The very fact that he was talking about her death was crazy to him. Blair was supposed to live forever, as a reminder to him of why he shouldn't fall for such complex girls.

"I've been told 1-2 years with treatment. If it goes into remission it'll buy me some time. I want to be greedy though. I want at least 10 more years, I want to at least be there for when he starts to grow into a man… but I know that's not probable. I've read the literature, I can really only hope for 5 years at the best."

When she's finished talking, she's looking out the window of her room sadly.

Dan doesn't know what to say. I mean what do you say to someone after that? He sits there with her for a few more minutes. Finally he gets up and tells her goodbye.

As he's walking out the doorway she finally speaks up.

"Humphrey? Make sure you clean your loft up before Paul shows up. He's not used to living in steerage. That and I'm immunosuppressed and it's dangerous enough for me to even go into Brooklyn " she scrunches up her nose on the word "Brooklyn".

Dan looks back at her and finds her eyes challenging him. He has to admit, he did miss this. The banter they had with each other.

He chuckles and says, "Keep it up Waldorf, I'll make sure he comes back to you in a PBR shirt smelling of Pirogues." He walks out before she can retort, but not before he sees a huge smile growing on her face. It's been so long since he's made her smile.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Dan goes back to the loft and starts getting things ready for Paul. He calls Jenny and Nate and invites them over. Serena is invited as well and he tells Rufus and Lily that they can come to, on the condition that Rufus makes chili.

He knows that Paul is not comfortable with him, not yet, and thinks that having at least Rufus and Lily there will make him a little more comfortable. Also, Jenny has been badgering Dan for a chance to meet him. He hopes that with a bunch of people over it won't be so uncomfortable for Paul.

Rufus's chili is a hit. Paul has decided that Chili needs to be added to the menu at his birthday party. Serena and Jenny dote on Paul and he seems to enjoy it.

Paul barely says a word to Dan.

Dan steps into his study and Jenny follows.

"Well, it's nice to see that he's a lot friendlier than his mom ever was"

"He's a great kid, but really, we have to credit Blair for that, she's raised him up to now" he reminds her.

Jenny looks like she has a bad taste in her mouth.

She finally swallows whatever hateful thing she had to say about Blair and says, "He has your hair, and your jaw-line. Thankfully so far he's got her teeth, or my teeth." She giggles.

Dan chuckles, "He's also got her eyes as well"

"Yeah he does…"

"He seems really taken with you and Serena. I can't get him to talk to me much though"

"Give him time; this is probably a lot for him to take in. God she's awful. How could she do this?"

"I dunno, Jenny… I dunno"

Jenny leaves him alone in his study. Dan spends a few more minutes in there thinking of how he's going to get Paul to trust him.

Then Dan starts to feel angry again. He's angry at Blair, angry that he's got a kid in his loft that doesn't know him and feels uncomfortable with. But he knows that he is partly to blame for that.

He should have never showed up to the penthouse drunk. He remembers another time he showed up to the loft drunk. The time he crashed her baby shower, the one she miscarried running back to Chuck. He was in love with her then and he felt like she was shutting him out of his life. He knew that she couldn't reciprocate his love but he wanted to at least be friends with her.

He scoffs at himself when he realizes how pathetic he was.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

He looks up and sees Lily.

"Just thinking Lily."

"Maybe I'm out of line here Dan, but I don't think you can keep hating Blair and expect Paul to feel comfortable around you."

Dan just looks away angrily.

"I know what she did was awful, but Blair didn't do it to hurt you. She did it because she was scared. Look I'm just saying that you can't hate her forever. You have a kid with her now."

"Please Lily, just stop… I know what you're saying and it would be the same advice I would be saying… but it's different when it's happening to yourself. But I can't expect you to understand that. You Upper East Siders for some reason have a tendency to hide their love children from their fathers." He instantly regrets the words as soon as they're out of his mouth.

He feels ashamed when he sees how hurt Lily is by it.

"Lily, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have compared you and Scott with Blair and Paul."

She just nods at him curtly and leaves the study.

It takes a while before he heads back out into the living and when he does, he finds that Lily and Rufus have left.

Paul is at the center of the living room with Serena, Nate, and Jenny focusing all their attention on them. He is telling them his plans for his 5th birthday. Watching him dictate his 5th year reminds him of Blair. There are a lot of Blair's traits in him, he's starting to notice.

Jenny and Nate ask Paul if he'd like to play some touch-football at the park near the loft tomorrow. Paul looks at Dan, looks back at Jenny and Nate, "Okay, but you have to teach me."

Serena squeals in delight and insists that she be there to referee. Nate asks her if she even knows what a first down is. She throws a pillow at Nate and screams "TOUCHDOWN!"

Everyone laughs.

"All right, then I will be there to cheer" she winks at Paul.

Paul looks up at Serena asks her, "Who will you be cheering for?"

"Whatever team you're on kiddo"

This answers seems to satisfy him, cause he looks away embarrassed but happy. This elicits smiles from everyone.

Eventually they all leave and agree on a time to teach Paul touch football.

"Did you have a good time Paul?"

"Yes, Dan, Thank you" he answers politely. But he's still as distant as the day they first met.

Dan sighs and starts cleaning up and Paul immediately gets up to help him. But the kid is yawning like crazy. Dan decides it's time to put him to bed.

He helps Paul get ready for bed and brings him to his room. As Dan tucks him in, he tells Paul softly, "I know you don't trust me, but I really am trying Paul. I want us to have a relationship; I'll do anything to gain your trust." Paul doesn't say anything. Dan turns and is about to walk away.

Paul reaches out for Dan's hand and sadly asks him, "Dan? Is my mom dying?"

The question takes Dan's breath away. He's so smart. He looks down at the small hand holding onto his and when he looks back at Paul, he sees how scared he is. He feels his heart break.

He can only manage out a soft, "I hope not." Turns off the light and walks out into the living room. He feels the weight of every other emotion besides anger he's pushed back since he read the letter crash down onto him.

As he lowers himself onto the couch his thoughts go back to Blair. He knows it couldn't have been easy to make the decision she did. He realizes that she was probably petrified, knowing that she was having a kid and she was going to be doing it alone, without her friends or Dan. It makes him feel miserable.

He falls asleep determined to make himself worthy of Paul.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

He wakes up the next morning to the scent of waffles coming from the kitchen. He's surprised as he sees Rufus and Paul up, serving Serena, Nate, and Jenny breakfast in the kitchen.

"Good morning sleepy head! It's amazing what you can sleep through!" Serena says as she hands him a mug of coffee.

"Eat up Dan, I think you may need your strength, Paul seems to be catching on quick about football" as Rufus slides a plate in front of Dan.

"Thanks Dad"

Paul looks at Dan and says, "Aunt Jenny told Rufus to come play in the Football game today."

Dan is stunned. Usually Paul doesn't say anything to Dan unless he's answering a question. He begins to hope that maybe he may have started to break down the defenses Paul has put up against Dan.

"Yeah well, it's not a true Humphrey football game if you don't have Rufus fumbling the ball" teases Jenny. Everyone laughs and gets back to the business of devouring Rufus's waffles.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The football game is a big hit. Nate and Rufus alternate being on Jenny's team and it is Dan and Paul against them. Serena spends her time on the sidelines cheering on Paul, blowing kisses at him whenever he makes a touchdown, and crying foul whenever his plays are stopped. Paul seems to enjoy it.

During the game Dan also notices another similarity that Paul and his mother share. They are both incredibly competitive. Unlike Blair, Paul doesn't let his competitive side make him nasty. He's grateful for this.

They eventually call the game. Paul and Dan have won, and Jenny says that Paul was the MVP of the game. Paul looks proud.

Paul adds another activity to his 5th birthday, touch football, which is to happen right after cake, but before he opens his gifts.

Dan can see this ending badly, with a bunch of 5 year olds and adults yakking up birthday cake on the sidelines. He can't wait to see the look on Blair's face.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

They all leave from the park. Serena is going back with Rufus to spend the rest of the afternoon with Lily, Jenny and Nate are going back to their apartment to do whatever they do.

Paul and Dan go back to the loft, exhausted by the exertions of the football game. They find themselves on the couch and Dan starts up a Van Damme movie but they both fall asleep within ten minutes.

Dan only wakes up 30 minutes before Blair is supposed to pick up Paul. He wakes Paul up and tells him they need to get ready for his mom.

Paul tells him he was hungry. Oh yeah, Dan thinks to himself, kids need to eat.

Dan knows exactly who is at the door when he hears the knock. He remembers the many times he had opened the door to find her waiting there after that knock. This time though, she waits until he invites her in. He can't remember the last time he had to invite her in. Usually she would just push past him, verbally castrating him for something he did, or coming to enlist his help for a scheme, and sometimes she would just show up with a worried look on her face, in need of a friend.

She looks better, but she's still incredibly pale and thin. She looks like she's already begun her transformation into a ghost… a malevolent ghost that will choke Dan while he's sleeping.

"Hey, we took a nap and I'm sorry that he's not ready to leave just yet. I've ordered some pizza, why don't you stay and have some with us?"

He can see the annoyance in her eyes. Yeah she's definitely coming back from the grave to choke him in his sleep. He's sure of it.

"I've got a driver downstairs waiting for us, he's terrified enough as it is being in Brooklyn, I can't possibly make him wait Humphrey."

"Then send him back, I'll call you both a cab when we're done eating. C'mon, you used to love pizza, I've ordered your favorite, gourmet"

Blair looks down at Paul, "Do you want to eat first before we leave?"

Paul looks between Blair and Dan, nods yes, and when Blair sighs and says "Okay" he squeals and jumps back onto the couch, demanding that Dan start the movie that he fell asleep watching.

Blair scrunches her nose at the DVD case. Double Impact, Van Damme plays a petty crook and his twin. Gross.

She leaves to go tell the driver of the car to just go home.

She gets back to the loft 5 minutes before the Pizza does. God, she's hungry.

They all sit on the couch together, with Paul leaning on Blair as he's engrossed in the movie and the pizza he's eating.

Blair finds herself uncomfortable.

Being on the couch where she and Humphrey had spent so many nights talking, laughing, bantering, and sleeping among other things.

She looks over to find him staring at her, she looks away quickly, instantly angry at herself and feeling stupid. She feels like she's 14 years old again and has been caught staring at her latest crush.

She clears her throat and starts asking Paul questions.

"So how was your time in Brooklyn Paul?"

Paul starts telling her about dinner last night and goes into meeting his Aunt Jenny and Aunt Serena.

Dan watches as Blair bristles when Paul mentions Jenny's name, but she recovers quickly, smiling down at him, "Oh! Seems like you're quite taken with Aunt Jenny and Serena"

This has Paul blushing; he sheepishly tells his mom that he's probably going to marry Serena or someone like Serena someday.

Blair starts laughing, looks to Dan and playfully says, "Hopelessly in love with blonde Van Der Woodsens? Seems like a family tradition with the Humphrey men."

Paul turns quizzically to Dan, and then back to his mom, "What do you mean?"

Blair smiles at her son, "Nothing puffin, finish your pizza we need to get back to the Upper East Side soon or Dorota will send out a search party."

Dan calls them a cab and helps her get a very tired and cranky Paul into it. He turns to Blair, "He's a really great kid you know… Thanks for letting him stay over last night. I'd like to do it again"

"Sure Humphrey, just let me know and we can plan these visits out."

As she gets into the cab, Dan leans over and tells her, "Just so you know, we're playing football at his party, his idea not mine. He fully expects you to play too. Furthermore he's already invited Jenny to his birthday party; I've already told him she can't wait to come to his party. You can tell him no if you want to. Goodnight Waldorf" as he closes the door.

He knows that she won't though. As much as she hates Jenny, she loves Paul even more. Dan waves at her and Paul triumphantly.

He watches as her mouth opens as she readies a volley of insults to him but the cab drives away before she can get them out. He can't help but smile as he sees her turn her head around and sends him a piercing look just as the cab turns a corner. New York feels a little more right now that it's Queen B has come back.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

To tell you all the truth, I'm not entirely pleased with this chapter. But I can't get it to where I like it and feel like I should just post it already. I'm trying to get this story done before May. Because after May it is not likely that I will be writing any fan fic for a while.

Thanks for reading and I really do appreciate all the reviews.