Chapter 22-
September
Blair looks on at the ducks at the pond, her loaf of bread long gone.
She sits pensive, looking as the ducks swim through life, oblivious to things such as life expectancies, side effects, and scans. She sighs and looks on with envy.
The doctor had recommended a much stronger dosage because of how much larger the tumor is this time.
The doctor had frowned as he looked at her first scan since starting treatment.
"Well, it has shrunk a little, but you're not responding as well as you did last time…"
Blair closes her eyes as she remembers him telling her that he wanted to up her dosage, because he was still hopeful that they could get the tumor to shrink, the sooner the better.
She agreed with the doctor and next week she will be starting with her new dosage.
She's hopeful, however she can't help but be terrified of the side effects. Earlier this morning after Dan had left to walk Paul to school, she vomited up her breakfast.
She walked out of the bathroom and saw the look on Dorota's face. Dorota knew, she always knew. She gave Blair a mournful look and Blair started to feel suffocated.
So she left.
She went out the door and started walking. After a while she felt her phone vibrating as she realized Dan was calling her. She turned her phone off and kept walking.
She didn't even know where she was going until she passed a bakery. She stood outside of it for a long time before she decided to go in.
Once she had the loaf of bread in hand she knew where her destination was.
And so that's how she ended up at the duck pond, sans Dorota.
She sits there longer thinking about the growth that's been growing on her brainstem again.
She hears leaves rustling near the park bench she's sitting on and she sighs as Dan Humphrey sits down next to her.
"How'd you know I'd be here?" Blair asks not looking at him.
Dan looks straight ahead, "Dorota said you looked upset…. I figured this could be the only place you'd be…"
Blair just continues to look ahead.
"So do you want to talk about it?" Dan asks cautiously.
"You know, I think in my next life I'd like to come back as a duck. Just swimming along, hoping for some passerby to throw bread. Not knowing about what illness may be germinating within me." Blair says softly.
Dan looks over at her and takes her hand.
"What happened?" Dan asks.
"Nothing, I just needed to get away." Blair answers softly.
"Blair, you can tell me what's wrong." Dan responds softly.
"What's wrong?!" Blair scoffs, "What's wrong is that I'm dying Dan, what's wrong is that I just threw up my whole breakfast this morning, what's wrong is I'm probably going to leave Paul motherless…" She ends bitterly.
Dan swallows hard. "I don't know what to say Blair."
Blair pulls her hand out of Dan's.
"There's nothing to say Dan." Blair says softly.
"You don't know that you're dying you know." Dan whispers.
"Oh wake up Dan! I was lucky, extremely lucky! So lucky that my brilliant doctor that Chuck spends all this money on had never seen a case like mine. It probably won't happen again." Blair spits back.
"Blair, please…." Dan pleads as he turns her to face him.
Blair closes her eyes as she feels them fill with tears.
"I'm sorry Dan. I didn't mean to lay that on you." Blair apologizes with her eyes still closed.
"Marry me Blair." Dan whispers.
Blair opens her eyes. "Oh, so should we add widow maker to my list of things that are wrong?" Blair asks angry once again.
"Marry me." Dan answers firmly.
"Are you insane? No!" Blair answers back.
"Why not?" Dan asks
"Have you not been listening this whole time Dan? I can't marry you Dan…. What would be the point?" Blair asks.
"The point is I love you and you love me, and I want you to be my wife." Dan answers back.
"Your wife? Yeah but for how long?" Blair asks, "Really Humphrey! I think you live in some alternate universe where happily ever after actually exists for us?"
"For as long as we have Blair." Dan answers.
"You can't ask me for this Dan." Blair says as she turns her face away.
"Why not? Don't we deserve it? We've made such a mess of our lives, why can't we do this right?" Dan asks.
"I don't deserve it." Blair whispers.
"What?!" Dan asks incredulously.
Blair shakes her head, "Dan, after everything I've done-"
"That's insane Blair!" Dan interrupts her.
"Dan… your family…" Blair starts again.
"My family has accepted you. Why do you always use them as a reason against us?! Do you not want this?" Dan asks.
"Of course I do Dan! I want you and Paul more than anything in the world-" Blair answers.
"So say yes!" Dan interrupts her.
Blair sighs and turns her gaze back to the ducks.
Dan gets in front of her and kneels. "So say yes." He repeats.
"Dan… it might not be for very long…" Blair says.
Dan sensing that she was finally starting to change presses her again, "And I could get hit by a car tomorrow…. So say yes Blair… Say yes."
Blair looks at him, unsure, "Okay." She says softly.
Dan raises up from his knees and kisses her. His hand gets lost in her hair as he continues to kiss her. He wishes that she didn't look so sad. He kisses her harder, hoping to erase the sadness out of her eyes.
"When?" He asks breathless when he finally breaks away.
Blair laughs, "God Humphrey, let me let this settle first! I just agreed to marry Dan Humphrey of Brooklyn!"
"Dan Humphrey of Brooklyn comma world famous author!" Dan corrects her.
"That is really up for discussion Humphrey" Blair derides as she cups Dan's cheek.
"Let's marry, as soon as possible! If we don't have much time as you say we don't, let's do this as soon as possible!" Dan exclaims.
"Dan please! Let me at least tell Serena and give her time to make arrangements…." Blair starts.
"Of course. Sorry, I'm just a little high, I mean I finally convinced you to become Mrs. Humphrey." Dan says as he pulls her up to stand.
"Hah! Don't flatter yourself Humphrey! All I agreed to was a social contract that we could combine our finances, FYI, lucky you, I'm kind of rich." Blair jokes as she pulls her coat around her.
"Are you now? I didn't know, I promise I'm not marrying you for your money." Dan jokes as he puts an arm around her, happy that she's joking and not looking at him mournfully.
"Oh I'm not worried, we WILL be signing a pre-nup, one of the stipulations being that I get to keep my last name." Blair points out.
"Fine, Paul gets my last name though." Dan answers back as they start walking.
"Absolutely not! I want to make sure that Paul has every advantage in life, and that means going through life as a Waldorf." Blair answers.
"He's a Humphrey Blair." Dan answers.
"He's a Waldorf Dan." Blair answers dryly.
"He looks just like me." Dan points out.
"He's better looking than you! Anyway, if he does look so much like you, all the more reason why he needs my name!" Blair responds.
"Well, I suppose we've hit one of our many impasses." Dan says smirking. "Perhaps a compromise? Paul Waldorf-Humphrey?"
"We'll see" Blair says as she leans into Dan and they walk back towards the Upper West Side.
Dan walks back with a smile on his face, but inside he feels like the luckiest and unluckiest person in the word. Luckiest because he has Paul, and Blair will become his wife. Unluckiest because he knows just how real of a possibility it is that he may lose her.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
October
Dan and Blair get married a month after the proposal near the pond. Serena flies into town the week of and she brings Cecilia with her.
They all go down to the justice of the peace. Blair wears a light yellow dress with her hair pulled up into a simple chignon.
Serena stands near her beaming as Blair and Dan promise the rest of their lives to each other, Paul stands near his father, proud. Rufus, Lily, are there smiling. Nate and Jenny grin the whole time, barely keeping their hands off each other. Eric sits with Cecilia in his lap, cooing along with her during the whole ceremony. Allison regretfully could not make it, but sends her best wishes. Blair is grateful that she is tactful to not say she does not approve. Eleanor is there. She kisses Dan's head at the end of their "ceremony" and Cyrus pulls him in for a sequence of hugs, exclaiming "Not enough!" each time Dan pulls away. Harold and Roman are there, smiling proudly at both of them, Roman winks at Blair when she looks out after the ceremony. Vanya is there with a crying Dorota on her arm. After the ceremony Dorota pulls Blair into a hug and whispers, "I always knew you would find Pure and Simple love Miss Blair!" When Blair pulls away she has tears falling down her cheeks and she kisses Dorota's forehead. Chuck is the last person Blair hugs after the ceremony. He kisses Blair on the forehead and his eyes shine with happiness and tears. Blair straightens his tie. He shakes Dan's hand and tells him, "You lucky cad. Just so you know, if you don't treat her right, I know people who can take care of you." He jokes as Raina slaps his arm and gives Blair her congratulations.
They don't go on a honeymoon. Instead they spend two weeks not doing anything. Blair having deemed the two weeks as work free, she decrees that she will not be writing anything for The Spectator and Dan is barred from the Loft. They discover all the parts of New York with Paul.
They enjoy sitting on the couch, watching The Philadelphia Story with Paul, Dan tells Paul about how when he first met Blair he thought she was a, "95 pound, doe eyed, bonmot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil."
Paul giggles when he hears his dad describe his mom this way.
"What about you mom? Do you remember when you first met dad?"
Blair pulls Paul into her side as she laughs at the memory.
"My first memory of your father… well it was at the Palace hotel, Chuck's dad, Bart, was throwing a brunch," Blair recounts, "I was mad at your Aunt Serena, and she was the last person I wanted to see. So who should show up? Serena, with your dad." Blair says nodding her head towards Dan.
"Anyways, your dad is there standing next to Serena, and you should have seen the look on his face as he scanned the room! He was terrified, as he should have been. No one wanted him there, except your Aunt Serena. But I can remember even then, knowing how uncomfortable he was, how much he didn't want to be there, how much he knew that no one wanted him there, but he went anyways, because Serena needed him, I was a little jealous." Blair admits smiling at Dan.
"Jealous?" Paul asks.
"Yes Puffin, jealous. Because I had a boyfriend back then, who was so indifferent to me, to what I wanted, yet here was your dad, terrified, absolutely wanting to be anywhere but where he was, but he tolerated it…. He did it all because he knew Serena needed him." Blair bites her lip, "You could say that I used to be very jealous of your Aunt Serena." Blair ends as she starts to comb Paul's hair with her fingers.
"Jealous, why?" Paul asks his mom.
"Because, everyone fell in love with her easily. I had to work to make people love me." Blair says as she presses a kiss to Paul's head.
"I love you mom." Paul says as he hugs her.
"Thank you puffin." Blair whispers to him.
"Was it hard for you to be in love with mom?" Paul asks Dan.
Dan looks at Blair as he answers Paul. "I'll admit, when I fell in love with your mom, it took me by surprise. But loving her was easy. I mean, she likes to make it harder for everyone, but no, once you fall for your mom, there's no coming back from it."
Blair gives him a wide smile.
Paul nods, "Yeah, she's funny, but that's what makes her my mom."
Dan points his finger at Paul, "Exactly!"
Paul falls asleep halfway through the film. He complains through the first half about how boring these black and white films and doesn't know why his mom and dad always want to watch such boring films.
Dan carries Paul down to his room. Blair follows and smiles as she watches Dan tuck Paul into bed and presses a kiss to his head.
As Dan closes the door Blair puts her arm around his waist.
"You're a natural. You were born to be a dad." Blair remarks.
"Well he makes it easy." Dan says burying his face into her hair.
They get into bed and Blair turns to him and breathes in his scent.
"Thank you Dan."
Dan looks at her surprised, "For what?"
"For everything. For Paul, for asking me to live with you, for fighting for me, for loving me, for convincing me to marry you." Blair answers.
She feels his chest rumble as he chuckles, "My pleasure." Dan replies as he starts to stroke her hair. They fall asleep within minutes of laying down.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
January
Dan wakes up. It's been three months since they've been married. He walks down to the kitchen to start on coffee. He looks out the window and he sighs as he sees the snow falling. He knows Blair and Paul will be excited to see the snow, it's the first snow they've had this season. He recalls Blair and Paul lamenting the lack of snow the whole season.
Dan thinks about Blair and he frowns. She's continued with her chemo regimen and it seems like she's getting sicker. The doctor had told her that while her tumor hadn't shrunk. It hadn't grown any more, but they weren't seeing any reduction as far as the actual growth went. Dan was there as the doctor told her this. He reassured her and Dan that it didn't mean anything and that they would still press on and that he fully expected her to start to react positively to treatment by the next scan.
Dan felt reassured, knowing this brilliant doctor wasn't worried, however he remembers how Blair looked. She just nodded at him blankly and then gathered her coat and agreed to come to the next appointment.
Dan looks up at the ceiling above him. He thinks about Blair.
The coffee maker beeps and tells him coffee is ready. He snaps out of his reverie of Blair in a green dress, sulking in a hallway and grabs two cups. He walks back up to their room, one cup for him, one cup for her,
She's still asleep as he opens the door. He walks up to her and put his and her cup on her nightstand as he crawls back into bed with her.
He starts to stroke her hair and revisits the time he found her in the hallway. He remembers seeing her and being so confused at first. She had always been this strong beacon of the Upper East Side. A monolith that he could smash his frustrations of the Upper East Side and their inhabitants against. He looked at her in that instance and saw her not as what he thought she was, but as a real person. Vulnerable and damaged, wanting nothing more than acceptance and seeing Serena taking everything she worked so hard for easily. He understood her then. He understood that she knew just how unfair life was. But instead of him, she didn't get cynical, she just got as unfair. She showed life how unwavering her will was, in spite of how unfair it could be. He admired her then as he lowered himself to the floor and opened up to her.
Dan comes out of his reverie and realizes that his hands are full of hair… her hair. He sits up in bed staring at her hair in his hands.
He doesn't realize he's crying until two drops fall into his hands and her hair.
He feels Blair stir beside him and he starts to feel embarrassed. She deserves someone strong, not some weak sap who cries at a few strands in his hands.
He feels Blair's hands in his hands and she presses her face into his neck.
"I'm sorry Blair." Dan says as he continues to sob.
"Shhhhhh. It's okay.. Humphrey, it's okay. The first time I saw it, it scared me too." Blair whispers to him.
"I should expect this. You're beautiful even without hair. I should know what to expect. The doctor told me what to expect." Dan rambles.
"It's just hair Dan, it'll grow back when I'm done with Chemo." Blair says trying to give him hope.
"I know. I know." Dan says as he continues to cry.
"Shhhh…. Will you help me shave it off?" Blair asks as she strokes his back.
Dan starts to collect himself. He hugs Blair tightly. "Yes."
Blair brings him into the bathroom and she makes him sit on the toilet. She heads down and walks to where she had Dorota store the clippers. She walks back to the bathroom she left Dan and she composes herself as she walks in.
Dan looks at her as she motions for him to sit on the edge of the tub.
His mouth makes a little oh, as she puts the clippers in his hands and sits in the tub.
He plugs it in and hearing the buzz sobers him. He puts the clippers to her head and watches as her locks fall into the tub. He hears her sharp intake of breath and watches as she rubs at her face.
He continues to run the clippers on her head and watches as more of her hair falls off. He says goodbye to the time they've had, cancer free.
When he's done he goes and sits in the tub with her. Her hair lies around them and he holds her as they cry together.
Finally she talks. She takes in a long shaky breath, "We're going to have to explain this to Paul. He's getting up soon."
"We've got a good 45 minutes before his alarm goes off." Dan whispers into the nape of her neck.
She starts to gather her hair and gets out of the tub. She throws it away and grabs the rest of the hair Dan has collected into his hands.
Dan finally stands up and Blair comes back into the tub.
"Look at you! You're covered in hair!" She says as she starts to brush his shirt.
Dan puts his hands on her back, "Speak for yourself." He replies, attempting some humor.
Blair looks up at him smiling gratefully as she reaches around her back and starts the shower.
"We'll have to take care of that won't we Humphrey." Blair says looking at him slyly.
They get dressed in time to get Paul up. He's slept through his second snooze and when he gets up his dad's hair is wet. He looks at his mom's head mournfully but doesn't say a word.
As he brushes his hair Dan and Blair decide that they won't send him to school. They call the school letting them know that Paul won't be coming in today. The school reassure them that they understand fully.
Dan and Blair spend the whole day, cheering Paul up. Paul tries to smile for his parents, knowing how important it is for them to feel as though they've made him feel better.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
February
Blair walks into the Brownstone and is greeted by Dorota.
"Miss Blair, how did Doctor's visit go?" Dorota asks worried.
Blair reads her and knows how important this visit for Dorota was. Blair had been so miserable lately, vomiting, in pain, listless and tired. Dorota wanted to ensure that all the hell Blair was going through was worth it.
Blair plasters a smile on her face, "Well Dorota, we'll talk about it later, but I'm tired now and I'm going to go take a nap."
Dorota gives her a suspicious look but nods her head as Blair turns and heads up the stairs. She lays in her bed and stares up at the ceiling. The only time her eyes leave the ceiling is when Paul comes in after he gets back from school. He crawls into bed with her. She doesn't fall asleep for her nap until Dan comes in and joins them.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Blair joins them at the dinner table but doesn't eat. Paul asks her most of the dinner asking her if she's feeling sick.
Blair smiles, "No I'm just not very hungry tonight." Blair answers each and every time he asks her.
It's not a lie. Blair doesn't feel hungry. Her stomach turns as she knows what she has to tell Dan the news.
She looks over at Dan. He looks at her with an expression she can't read.
After dinner is done and Dan cleans up, Blair gets Paul ready for bed.
She watches as he plays in the tub, blowing bubbles at her and she allows herself to laugh and splash water all over the bathroom. By the time he's done she's soaking wet.
Dan puts Paul to bed as Blair changes out of her wet clothes and gets ready for bed herself. She sits at her vanity as she moisturizes.
She smiles at Dan's reflection as he walks into their room. She watches as he changes into his pajamas.
He turns to her with a little smile, "You must be in a great mood to have allowed Paul get so out of hand and joined in on that."
Blair shrugs, "What can I say? I just saw how much fun he was having, I didn't want to ruin that for him."
Dan lays in bed and Blair joins him.
"So how did the doctor's visit go?" Dan asks cupping her cheek.
Dan watches as Blair's face falls.
He hugs her and she buries herself into his chest.
Blair bites her lip and takes a deep breath, "You're not going to like this, but please understand, I've decided to stop chemo."
She feels his body tense up underneath her hands and he pulls away.
"What? Is that what he recommended" Dan asks sitting up.
"No, he didn't recomm-" Blair starts.
"I don't understand" Dan says firmly.
Blair sighs and sits up. "Dan I'm not getting any better. There hasn't been any reduction in the tumor for months now. We've done nothing but get more and more aggressive with my treatment, but there's been no improvement. The scan today showed that it's grown. Not by much, but even with the higher dosages I'm just not responding to it. It's not working Dan."
"We could get a second opinion! You should have discussed this with me!" Dan says angrily running a hand through his hair.
"What's there to discuss? I'm not getting any better and the tumor has grown. Dan I'm trying to come to terms that I'm not going to survive this. All I have is whatever time I have left with you and Paul. I don't want to spend it sick."
"What did the doctor recommend?" Dan asks as he gets out of bed.
"He said it was up to me, but that chemo at this point may only buy me time, but he wasn't sure what that time would look like. It was an easy choice for me to make Dan." Blair says.
Dan starts to get dressed, his hands are balled into fists at his side, "So you're just going to give up is that it?! Just like that? What about Paul and I? Don't we have a say?"
This gets her angry and she starts yelling, "I am thinking of you and Paul, but don't I get to decide how I die? You're being just as selfish as I am! I'm tired Dan! Can't you see how tired I am?! I'm terrified as well, but I don't want to be sick anymore!" She yells with tears in her eyes.
Dan starts to feel sick. "I need to get out of here!" He says as he storms out of the house.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Dan opens the door to the loft and as he closes the door he lowers himself to the floor. He exhales a breath he didn't know he was holding.
He feels his chest tighten and he finds himself gasping for air.
He lays on the floor for a while, thinking about what just happened. He knows it was unfair for him to leave Blair like that, but it was just as unfair for Blair to decide to stop treatment without talking it over with him and Paul.
It's not that he thinks she made the wrong choice. He's not really sure how he feels, but he wishes he had been able to be a part of that decision, that maybe she could have included Dan in on that decision rather than just telling him how it would be.
Around 1 AM he pulls himself from the floor and walks over to his old notebook.
He reads about his youthful musings of Serena and Blair. He gets an idea and then powers up the laptop he keeps at the loft.
He starts to write. He writes about Blair. Everything about her, not just the bad. He writes every memory of her he has. So Paul can know every memory Dan has of her. He titles it "The Girl in the Hallway."
When he stops writing he realizes it's 9 AM. He looks out the window and sees the sun coming into the home he shared with his dad and sister. He even shared it with Blair during their courtship. They bounced back and forth between the loft and the penthouse.
Yet even with how familiar this scene is he knows it's not home anymore. So he saves what he's written so far and powers down his laptop and heads back to the Upper West Side.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Dan walks into the Brownstone and he's greeted with silence. As he's taking off his shoes he watches as Blair rushes out of her room. She stops at the top of the stairs and looks at him with uncertain eyes.
Dan can't bear it and he runs up the stairs and takes her into his arms. He feels her crumple a bit and he catches her weight as she sobs into his chest.
"Shhh. I'm so sorry Blair. I shouldn't have left last night like that." Dan says.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Dan. I shouldn't have told you like that, how else could you react?" Blair says as she sobs.
They lay in bed all day, holding each other.
They pull themselves together before Paul comes home. They spend the rest of the day playing Scrabble. Paul wins. He's a natural.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Dan groans as his phone rings. He pulls it to his face. It's Serena. He looks over at Blair and she is still asleep.
He leaves the room as he answers.
"Serena, I know you know what time it is in New York City." Dan says as he answers.
"You need to talk to her. You need to tell her she needs to continue treatment. You nee-" Serena responds.
"I don't think I can Serena" Dan says interrupting her as he presses his fingers into his eyelids. "She's not getting better Serena, she really can't keep going on with the treatment, it was making her miserable."
"So you've given up too." Serena says softly.
Dan takes a seat on a step on the stair case leading to their foyer.
"What can I do Serena? I want her to be here as much as you do. I want her holding my hand when I take my last breath. I'd do anything I could to ensure she lives, but I can't tell her how she's going to die." Dan answers defeated.
He listens as Serena cries. "It's not fair. She was getting better wasn't she?"
"She got better. But now we have to accept that Blair Waldorf can't beat this. Believe me, this is hard for me to deal with." Dan answers shakily.
"How's Paul?" Serena asks.
Dan is jarred as she says Paul's name.
"Paul?" Dan asks as he gets off the step and continues down the stairs. "He's…. He's dealing as best as he can, but no, he's not alright. How can he be? His mom is dying." Dan says as he walks into the kitchen.
He can feel the tears stinging his eyes as he sits at the small table in the kitchen.
"I need to come home. I need to see her." Serena starts to ramble.
"Serena, just slow down. Don't make any travel arrangements yet. Let us deal with this as a family first, then you can come." Dan says.
"But I am family Dan!" Serena exclaims and Dan realizes how true it is.
"Please Serena, I promise, you will see Blair again. Just let us deal with this. Let me and Paul try to deal with this please. Please." Dan pleads with her.
"Okay Dan. But I won't wait forever. I need her too you know." Serena answers softly.
"I promise Serena." Dan answers as he hangs up on her.
Dan hangs his head and sits there until Blair comes down and starts the coffee maker. She squeezes his arm as she heads back up to wake up Paul.
Dan collects himself as the day starts on, oblivious to the hell that he is going through.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Blair sits with her mother at the dinner table.
Eleanor eyes shine with tears.
"Mom, please understand. I want to enjoy the time I have left. This wasn't easy for me mom." Blair says and her voice cracks as she answers.
Eleanor embraces Blair.
Cyrus watches them solemnly.
Blair turns to Cyrus, "I need to get my affairs in order Cyrus… I don't think I'm going to live through this one."
Cyrus breaks down, "You can't ask this of me Blair."
Blair gives him a small smile. "Do you think you can get Cyndi Lauper to play at my funeral?"
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
March
Dan finishes packing for Paul.
"What is California like?" Paul asks his mother who sits on the bed.
Dan looks over at Blair, her hair has started to grow back. Her scans have shown some growth but it's very slow. The doctor recommended that with such slow growth that she should start back on treatment. Dan remembers as Blair just smiled and shook her head and said, "I don't think so, thank you." Dan sat there helpless, but understood.
Eleanor walks in. "California! Dreadful place Paul! The founders of our nation had it right staying on this side of the continent!"
"Mother! Obviously they expanded and moved westward for some reason."
"Yes, some fool's rumor of gold!" Eleanor exclaims as she pulls Blair in for a hug.
"Do you think Cecilia will remember me?" Paul asks Dan.
"She's about 8 months now, so I wouldn't take it personally if she didn't." Dan answers back.
"I bet she's horrid now" Eleanor pips in, "She's probably teething. Ugh, I remember Blair back then."
"Let's not got there mother." Blair warns her mother.
"So we land, and then Aunt Jenny and Uncle Nate will meet us later?" Paul asks.
"Yep." Dan answers, "Then we all go to LEGOLAND the next day."
Blair giggles, "I bet your Uncle Nate is just shaking in anticipation for LEGOLAND."
Paul giggles.
Eleanor and Cyrus see them off at the airport. Rufus and Lily will be flying in with Jenny and Nate and they will spend two weeks in California at Serena's place. Dan doesn't admit it, but he's excited for LEGOLAND.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
It's a wonderful trip and they take lots of pictures together. Dan and Blair smile as they go through the pics.
Serena cried as Blair and Paul got on the plane.
Blair continues to deteriorate. But she's in good spirits. She has Chuck come over one day and they talk and she places him as the executor of her will. As he leaves Blair can't help but remember a time when she was truly in love with Chuck, before they could ruin what she had being Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. She remembers standing under a tree next to Chuck as they both looked on at the Empire Hotel. Chuck told her that he would own it and that it would become the first addition to the empire he was going to build.
In her will, she leaves the penthouse to Serena. Eleanor agrees that it should go to her.
Blair's appetite starts disappear. Dan notices and asks Blair why she's not eating. She shrugs that she's not been hungry lately and it doesn't take much for her to get full. Dan starts to get worried, knowing that the end is drawing near. He doesn't have much time left with Blair.
He hides his fear for most of the day but it always catches up with him while he's sleeping. He awakes with a start, gasping for air. He knows it's a panic attack. He leaves his bed quickly so as not to disturb Blair.
He usually ends up on the floor of their bathroom, trying to catch his breath and silently pleading to whatever nameless deity may hear him, "Please Please Please, send us a miracle, anything, please don't take her from me." It becomes his nightly mantra and something that helps him slow his breathing down.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
May
Dan gets up, goes about his normal routine, Blair is downstairs helping her son get ready for school. Dan Is surprised at her level of energy. She's been on this downward spiral and two days ago Dan had to carry her up and down the stairs. He starts to hope that maybe his pleas for a miracle have been heard.
He gets Paul ready for school. As they leave to walk to school Blair comes to the door.
Blair gives Paul a hug, "Learn lots, giggle plenty, I love you!" she says. She's been saying that every time he leaves for school. Paul smiles at her widely. Gleeful that Blair had been feeling better, hopeful that maybe she is getting better like last time. Dan turns to her and gives her a kiss.
"I love you, you know that right?" Blair tells Dan.
"I do now." Dan jokes.
Blair pokes in him the ribs and giggles as Dan embraces her.
"I love you too Blair." Dan whispers to her, "I'll be back soon. Let's go to Central Park and enjoy the day together."
Blair grins up at him, "I'd like that Humphrey."
"Dan, you mean Dan." Dan says to her he walks out the door.
Blair waves them off from the door.
It's the last conversation Dan has with his wife.
Dorota arrives within 5 minutes of Dan leaving to straighten up the Humphrey Brownstone. She finds Blair face down on the floor. She calls 911 and Blair is rushed to the hospital.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Blair dies 4 days later, having never regained consciousness. The tumor pressed up against and invaded her respiratory center and she stopped breathing. It would have been nice for her to have woken up, to have said goodbye, one last kiss with Dan Humphrey, and impart words of wisdom for Paul, but that kind of stuff only happens in the movies.
Instead Blair died surrounded by the people who love her. She had an advanced directive for no tube feedings and intubations. She wanted to die as naturally as possible, well as natural as it is to die in a hospital room.
Serena was there holding her hand as she took her last breath. Chuck pressed a kiss to her forehead as Dan and Paul stood in the room, watching Blair Waldorf pass on.
In the hallway Chuck embraces Dan.
"You made her so happy. Thank you Dan, Thank you for coming into her life." Dan just nods at him blankly.
Chuck picks up Paul and sobs into his curls.
Chuck takes over the arrangements. Blair had detailed her funeral in her will. Dan is grateful. Eleanor and Harold aren't able to do much. They are joined once again, in their grief.
Dan is glad it wasn't left to him. He has to hold himself together for Paul. Serena and Chuck take Paul to get a tailored suit and Jenny cries as she sizes Dan for his suit. Dan doesn't do anything but stand there as Jenny falls apart around him. He can't comfort her. Not when he has to keep it all together for Paul.
Rufus and Jenny stay over at the brownstone the 2 days before the wake and funeral. They help Dan with taking care of Paul. Dorota has not been in, she's been grieving as well, devastated and left numb by losing Blair. Dan understands.
The day of the funeral arrives. Cyndi Lauper sings time after time. Dan sits there numb.
Serena is there with her husband and Cecilia in tow. Serena tries a eulogy, she can barely talk.
"Blair and I were more than best friends, we were sisters." Serena starts off shaky. "Growing up on the Upper East Side can be difficult, a lot of times we end up growing up faster than we should…."
Serena takes a big gulp, "But we were family, and Blair was the Queen B of the Upper East Side. She was ruthless at times, we hurt each other so much" Serena says glancing at Nate. Nate sits there staring at his hands.
"However as much as we could hurt each other, and as awful as I could be, she never gave up on me, she was always there to help me up again, to protect me and save me from myself at times….. I don't know how I'm going to go on without her." Serena stops there and tries to speak again but she can't.
Eric comes up and finishes her speech for her.
It's a beautiful service and Blair looks beautiful and peaceful in her casket. Dan thinks Chuck must spend his fortune on peonies for the service. Dan tries to remind himself to send Chuck a thank you note.
Dan looks back in the middle of the ceremony to see who is all there.
Prince Louis and his sister Princess Beatrice shows up as well. She offers her condolences to Dan and Paul and watches them mournfully, Louis stands there silent. He looks on at the woman who was never really his wife, but who he loved so much at one time, someone that he would have given up the throne for.
Georgina shows up. But she stays towards the back. Not daring to come up to the casket. As if she's terrified of Blair, even in death.
Dan gives her a nod of acknowledgement as he turns his attention back to Blair in the casket. He walks up to it and stares at her numb.
Dan never cries at the funeral. Because crying means grieving and grieving means accepting that she's gone, accepting the fact that she'll never scrunch her nose up and say Brooklyn, accepting that she'll never get to make Paul giggle again. He just sits there throughout the rest of the service, looking ahead blankly, and muttering thank you to the various people who file in front of him offering their condolences.
His hand firmly clutches Paul's, as if Paul is the anchor that keeps him tethered to here and now, the gossamer thread that keeps him from entering his own world where Blair is alive and healthy.
They bury her in the Waldorf family plot. Eleanor faints as the casket is lowered and Harold keeps his hand over his mouth as Roman tries his hardest to console Harold.
Chuck throws the first peony into the grave. Allison is the next person to throw a peony. Making amends the only way she knows how. Dan understand where he got his judgmental nature from.
After the burial is done they all leave. Rufus carries Paul and Jenny clutches to Dan's arm as they turn away. Dan takes one last look at Blair's final resting place and see's Serena sitting there, by herself next to the plot, a solitary figure in her grief. Dan looks over at Darren who is holding Cecelia as he looks on at his wife. Unable to help his wife as she deals with this loss.
He continues to watch her from the back of the towncar. She's the last person to leave the burial site.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
After everyone leaves the Brownstone Dan powers up his laptop. He visits the site that monopolized his youth. Gossip girl has a special memorial for Blair on her website. She gathers all the photos of Blair she has archived and posts them. "RIP New York's Queen B."
Serena eventually writes a column on Blair in the Spectator using most of the photos Gossip Girl had posted of Blair. Nate happily allows her to be a freelance writer and eventually she takes up Blair's old column. It is received well.
Dan saves a bunch of the photos for Paul. One of her in her cotillion dress, one of her and Serena in blue and orange versions of the same dress, being silly in Central Park.
There's a photo of a beaming Blair being crowned as Senior Prom queen alongside a grinning Nate. Her and Dan walking towards the Ostroff Center, coffee cups in hand. There's a photo of her in a wedding dress, running out of her reception at the St. Regis hotel. He will have to explain that to Paul someday.
There is another of her in a white and silver floor length gown, Valentine's Day 2011, the night when she had her heart broken by Chuck Bass. That was the night that Dan Humphrey reached out for her hand and started to fall for her.
There's a photo of Blair in a red dress, Valentine's Day 2012, kissing Dan Humphrey at Nate's spectator party. There's a photo of her on a chair, being hoisted at someone's bar Mitzvah holding Chuck's hand. Then a photo on the stairs of the Met with Dan, wearing a Tiara and she's beaming a radiant smile at Dan. Dan remembers this moment, remembers them talking about it and Blair had told him that this was the moment that she started to fall in love with Dan. Dan Humphrey breaks down while looking at it, finally accepting the fact that she's gone, it isn't pretty.
Dan calls Rufus and he comes and takes Paul for the weekend.
Dan lives in the past. He wanders around the house reliving every memory he has of Blair in the house. The time she sat at the table telling him about knowing Autumn was coming. The time he found her on the couch, asleep with Paul. The night he almost told her she was the love of his life. Why didn't he tell her that while she was alive? He hopes she knows. Hopes she understood. He feels as though he was her great love. Even greater than Chuck.
But of course they never talked about such things. He wonders if Chuck paces his penthouse worrying about the same thing.
The weekend that Rufus takes Paul turns into a month.
He still can't bring himself to put away her things. Her shampoo and soap is where she left it in the shower. Her perfume and make up are where she organized them on her vanity and all of her clothes are in the closet. He finds himself loving sleep. When he dreams of Blair and curses every morning when he wakes up and realizes that she's not laying down next to him. He had a mild panic attack the morning he wakes up and can't smell Blair in the sheets and pillows anymore.
Rufus brings Paul over for dinner every night. It's the only time Dan gets out of bed. He sits at the dinner table and listens to Paul prattle on about his day. Dan eats a little and these dinners with Rufus and Paul are the only time Dan really gets out of bed each day, he tries his hardest to involve himself in to the conversations.
Dan sees the worry in Rufus's eyes. Every night Rufus pulls Dan aside, "Son… Please, Paul misses you." And it's true, Dan knows it.
Paul is smart and knows Dan isn't doing well. He knows that Dan is sliding into some abyss. Every night before he leaves he grabs Dan's hand, "Dad? Can I come home soon?" Dan always hugs him and promises him soon.
Dan cries every night for Paul, knowing that Paul deserves better. Knowing that this is hurting Paul, but he just can't seem to get out of this spiral.
But how can Dan let Paul see this? Dan bumbles between the Brownstone, the Loft, and Blair's Penthouse reliving every memory he can of Blair.
When he's over at the Penthouse Serena looks on at him mournfully and they hold each other in their grief.
Dan is grateful for Serena. After all it was Serena who would lead him to Blair.
He keeps the Brownstone exactly as Blair left it… a mausoleum to Blair Waldorf's last days.
People start to come visit him. They tell him how unhealthy he is being. Serena even begs him to pull himself out of his spiral, for Paul.
Fuck them Dan thinks after they leave. Especially Serena. He rants at her and pushes her out the door of his Brownstone. Yelling at her how easy life is for her, how easy it is for her to move on from Blair, but life isn't that easy for the Waldorfs and Humphreys of the world.
When she finally ends her screaming monologue at his door about how unfair he is being he realizes how awful he was to her. She's drowning just as badly as he is. In fact she is probably having a harder time, gasping for air as a brick in the shape of Blair Waldorf remains tied tightly around her ankle, pulling her down.
One day Eleanor comes to visit Dan. She doesn't say anything. Just sits on his bed and looks at him mournfully. When she gets up to leave she pushes an envelope in Dan's hand and squeezes his hand.
Eleanor has given Dan a letter Blair had written to Paul. It's a list of things for Paul that Blair had written when she first found out about her diagnosis. The first time she looked at that x-ray and contemplated the inconsequential mass of cells that sealed her fate at 27. Her list starts off with "Puffin… I am so sorry that I will not be there to watch you become the man you will be. The past 4 years have been so wonderful and knowing you has been the pinnacle of my life. The whole reason behind my existence was you, I was born to be your mom… I want to be selfish and stay, I want to dictate your happiness for the rest of your life and squash any unhappiness that may look your way, but fate has decided that my time is to be short… so here's my list for you. First and foremost, 1. Be Happy…." Dan can't bring himself to read the rest of the letter.
It was a private moment Blair intended for Paul, but that one statement, "1. Be Happy." Strikes a chord with him. He will spend the rest of his life making sure that Blair's list of hopes for Paul is carried out.
That line pushes Dan to start moving on.
He showers, shaves, changes his clothes and heads up to the Upper East Side to go get Paul.
Rufus has all of Paul's belongings packed when Dan shows up. Dan has a cup of tea with Lily. She's so happy to see Dan pulling himself out of that deep abyss he had fallen into. Paul is cautious to see him, It breaks Dan's heart and he brings him home. They both talk about Blair and cry and Paul falls asleep on the couch, pressed up against Dan. It reminds him of Blair. Dan puts him to bed and heads to the bed he shared with Blair.
As he lays down he looks up at the ceiling and whispers, "Blair, I need to start letting you go, it's not healthy for me to hold on to you like this and it's not good for Paul. I know you understand."
That night Dan dreams of Blair Waldorf. He's walking alongside the shore and he believes he's in the Hamptons. Blair is walking beside him. She's wearing a blue sundress and her hair is long and blowing in the wind. She laughs and smiles at him and they continue to walk. When he reaches for her hand she smiles sadly and shakes her head. They continue to walk along the beach and that's his whole dream. No conversation spoken between them, no physical contact, walking side by side, Blair just out of reach, smiling and laughing.
Dan wakes up and sits at his typewriter. He starts to work on "The Girl In The Hallway" again.
Dan eventually finishes his book about Blair. He dedicates it to Eleanor, Cyrus, Harold, Roman, Serena, and especially Paul. It becomes his bestselling novel to date. In fact "The Girl in the Hallway" renews interest in his old novel "Inside" and they have to start printing new editions.
Serena never leaves New York again. Darren moves to New York and he works on movies and flies out for his job.
Serena joins Dan and Paul every time they go to visit Blair's grave. Sometimes Eleanor comes with them. But it's still too hard for her.
Harold and Roman buy a home in New York, to ensure they always have a place to stay whenever they are in town. Pointless really, because they always end up staying at the Brownstone.
Georgina sends Paul a gift every year for his birthday. Sometimes it's a photo of Blair, sometimes is a memory, jotted down on a stationary. Dan makes sure he reads it to Paul whenever it comes in.
And so it goes. Paul spends his life surrounded by the people who love him and love his mother even more. Chuck and Raina never marry; they have a son that they name Cornelius. Dan scoffs at the name, only a grandson of Bartholomew could get away with the name Cornelius. Chuck asks Dan to be Cornelius's godfather.
When Dan asks why, Chuck smirks at him, "I can't think of anyone else I know that has the moral backbone and judgmental attitude to do it."
Dan hugs him and says yes.
Dan can't help but cluck and shake his head as he watches how everyone around Paul gives into his whims. Jenny is awful and Nate and Chuck are always there to make excuses for Paul's bad behavior. Serena always holds Paul in tight embraces and breathes in his hair, as if she's trying to reclaim Blair and breath her in.
Dan can't remember a time when Serena has said no to Paul. She tells Paul that he will one day marry her daughter. Paul scrunches his nose at the toddler whose first words were, "Louboutin" in front of him. 7 years apart! He swears he will never marry a baby. Serena rouses his hair and tells him, "Oh no! You can't get rid of us that easily. You're mom and I have already planned it. Ask your uncle Chuck, it's in her will"
Paul always gets sullen when his mother is mentioned. Blair was Paul's best friend for a long time, his defender, and he was hers.
Paul will always miss his mom and no one will ever replace the hole she leaves in his life. But he will always be happy because he is surrounded by so many people who love him. Dan knows that's the one thing he can be sure of, after all, Blair made sure of it.
The End.
Yeah I know, shameful how I rushed through it.
And I killed Blair Waldorf! *I duck as I dodge the tomatoes*
I gave up like the GG writers did. I'm sorry. I really did love all of you that followed this story, but I had to finish this. Let me be clear, from the beginning I always intended for Blair to die. I wanted to write more of them being in love and her being okay. I even wanted a better wedding scene for them, but that would have taken time and possibly drug this out another chapter, and we couldn't have that. I wanted to spend just as equal of time having Dan and Blair in love as I spent of Dan still angry at Dan. But I lost my muse. Most of Blair dying was written long before and I hope it's beautiful, considering how I had written it before I lost my muse.
Again my apologies, and I'm sorry to have disrespected you all so.
As far as the finale.. Well, I just wish the GG writers respected women, but what can I say… I killed Blair Waldorf, at least she survived their wrath. So Season 6 with this story never happened. Hell the season 5 finale didn't happen. I'm sorry I didn't write Vanessa into this story, I had always intended to, but I never could find a place for her, only in passing. Which is a shame, because I really did love her in the show. I just didn't know how to continue her into the story after Season 4.
Thank you all of you that have been following this story and reviewing. You-Define-Beauty, Frenchyy, LovelyCupCake, WordsICan'tSay, BekaRoo, FireDragonHeart, Avery, PiotrMc, FarynQueens, And everyone else I can't put down because I don't want to go through every page of reviews and all the Guests, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for reviewing! You all gave me inspiration to keep writing. I'm so thankful that I could see this to the end.
I hope I haven't disappointed you too much with this ending.
I can start 2013 free of Gossip Girl! As William Wallace said at the end of Braveheart, "FREEDOM!"