Well, this one seems to be a hit. Thanks to everyone for their reviews, or just for stopping by and reading. This chapter is rated T for implied adult situations.
As always, Hiromu Arakawa owns Fullmetal Alchemist and all associated characters and situations.
And so, with no further ado, I give you the beginnings of the prank war...among other things.
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The lone figure crept into the break room and read the pages that made up the List. He snickered at most of them, and actually laughed out loud at several more. He thought for a moment, then wrote his own addition.
He stood back and admired his handiwork for a moment, then turned on his heels and left, nodding casually to one of the passing soldiers.
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The homonculous known as Envy is no longer to be referred to as a crossdressing mutant palm tree.
a. He is a handsome and charming fellow who would like nothing more than to establish a close personal relationship with the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother. (inspired by tinytokirabbit7)
"Why'd you post that one, Roy?"
"...I didn't."
"I could have sworn I saw you..."
"Maes, you know that isn't my writing."
The two men exchanged a look, then sprang into action. Half an hour later, the entire base was under lockdown and on high alert, and the Elric brothers had been taken into protective custody.
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State Alchemists are not subject to leash laws.
Maes hadn't said much while Roy explained the phrase "dog of the military" to Elysia, but when Roy's birthday came around, he received a leash and collar from Maes as a gag gift. Most people agreed that this was the opening shot of the legendary prank war of the East.
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The younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist is neither a trash can, a mailbox, nor a convenient hiding place. Please refrain from using him as such.
"Thank you, Brother."
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Do not piss off the librarians. They control the information in the library, and access to much-needed reference books.
After Sciezka found out that Mustang was the one who came up with the idea for his men to find Havoc a girlfriend, the librarians were unable to find the materials he needed for his research for two weeks.
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All bets are to be placed with Vato Fallman.
With the outbreak of the prank war, the base betting pool saw a major expansion of its business.
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Whoever started the rumors about Colonel Mustang and Major Elric, start running.
The story had somehow started that Roy Mustang's relationship with Edward Elric had taken a less-than-proper turn. The two of them were looking to squash both the rumor and the person who started it.
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The Riza Hawkeye lookalike contests are to cease immediately.
"Now, that's just mean," Gracia pouted, much to her husband's amusement.
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Unless you work in Investigations, you should have no need for a camera in the workplace.
"Give it back, Roy."
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The office is no place for an alchemical duel.
Fullmetal vs. Flame, Part II ended with Mustang's office in need of rebuilding, both alchemists involved in need of medical attention, and Mustang's men in need of therapy.
"I didn't think furniture could explode like that..."
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Izumi Curtis is to be left alone.
When Mrs. Curtis came to visit her two "most favorite apprentices," Colonel Mustang crossed her path. Nobody on base could say for sure what happened between the two of them, but the colonel twitched for a week afterward.
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Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye and Colonel Roy Mustang are not to be addressed as "Mom and Dad."
Master Sergeant Furey and Lt. Breda pushed the family metaphor a little too far.
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Non-alchemist personnel are not lab rats.
a. This means you, Colonel Mustang.
b. And you, Edward.
c. And you, Major Armstrong.
Colonel Mustang had threatened to incinerate Lt. Col. Hughes over the phone, which led to a discussion between him and Ed over whether that kind of thing would actually be possible. It didn't help that Armstrong got involved and the three of them started mapping out the ethics of human experimentation in alchemy.
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I don't care if you are Caledonian. If you're going to wear a kilt as part of your dress uniform, for the gods' sake, put some underwear on, dammit.
The last formal occasion on base had been on a windy day. Lt. Hawkeye still couldn't look at Major Armstrong without blushing.
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You are not allowed to establish an independant company on military-owned property.
Edward and Alphonse had had a pretty good appliance repair business going until they got caught.
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Broom closets are not to be used as make-out locations.
a. Even if she is your wife.
b. Maes.
Edward was reported to have fled screaming, "My eyes! My eyes!"
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August 13, 1913 never happened.
The principles involved were Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, and Maes Hughes. None of them would explain.
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The parade ground during a close-order drill is no place for a game of tag.
Half the squad participating in the drill ended up in a tangled pile on the ground, and the other half joined the Elric brothers' game.
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If you encounter the serial killer known as Scar, do not ask him where he got his tattoos.
a. Or the scar on his face.
b. Or if he wants the address of a good plastic surgeon.
Scar had not killed the corporal who asked, but did chase him for a good five blocks before he decided to let him live.
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Unless you are the Flame Alchemist, you should have no need for ignition gloves.
"Return them or you're charcoal, Maes."
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Alchemy and sleep deprivation do not mix. All State Alchemists are hereby required to get a full eight hours sleep before performing any major or minor transmutations.
a. Or before interacting with polite society.
b. This means you, Roy.
c. And you, too, Edward.
Sleep-deprived alchemists tended be either punchy or downright mean. It took three weeks to repair the damage in the mess hall after Mustang's not-so-accidental comment about Edward's height.
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To be continued...
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A/N: Caledonia is a very old name for Scotland, and Armstrong is an old Scottish name. Hence the kilt and the traditional Scottish undergarments.
A/N2: Thanks to tinytokirabbit7 and iTorchic for their ideas. I really appreciated them.