At long last, the new chapter and the beginning of the prank war...among other things.
Sorry it took so long. I've been adding to the list and sort of lost track of time. Thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed in the meantime. Feedback is more than welcome.
Fullmetal Alchemist and the characters associated with it are still not mine, so please don't sue.
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Nobody dared to say anything to Maria Ross as she stalked down the corridors of Eastern Headquarters. Her uniform looked like it had been on fire at some point that day. She carried what was left of her shoes in one hand and a dented frying pan and a scrap of paper in the other, and death-glared at anyone who even looked like they might challenge her.
She paused in the third floor break room long enough to tack the paper onto the bulletin board, then went to report to Lt. Colonel Hughes about her time babysitting the Elric brothers.
The two of them spoke for about an hour before she left, considerably calmer than when she'd come in. When she was well away from the office, Sciezka was reported to have heard her boss laughing long and hard.
Nobody knew why until they read what she wrote.
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Never underestimate the combative capabilities of a woman with a cast-iron skillet.
Lt. Ross was staying with Edward and Alphonse at the safehouse. Envy tried to sneak up on her while she was making dinner, and quickly came to regret it.
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If the Elric brothers have nothing to keep them occupied, they are to be found something constructive to do.
Two insanely intelligent teenage boys with nothing but time on their hands was a surefire recipie for disaster.
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Black Hayate is not to be trained to "sic balls" when in range of Zolf Kimblee or Frank Archer.
a. Even if they do scare people.
Colonel Mustang had issues left over from Ishbal other than genocide, apparently.
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Do not wolf-whistle at the Strong Arm Alchemist while he is working alchemy.
a. Ladies, I'm surprised...and somewhat disappointed.
"What does he have that I don't?" Mustang was heard to ask, about a month after the Kilt Incident.
"For your own sake, sir," Hawkeye said, "I won't go into detail."
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Alchemy is not a disciplinary tool.
A new recruit to the Alchemy Program had called Edward short. Edward transmuted the man's uniform into an evening gown in retaliation.
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General Grumann is not to be addressed as "Grandpa."
a. Except for Hawkeye. She's related.
Lt. Col. Hughes had been talking to Elysia at the time and took the family metaphor too far.
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Colonel Roy Mustang is not to be used as homonculous bait.
The homonculous known as Lust had been reported in the area. Roy Mustang ended up tied to a telephone pole in nothing but his boxers, with a sign that said, "Eat me" around his neck.
Edward Elric was long gone by the time he managed to get free.
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The serial killer known as Scar does not need a girlfriend.
a. Or a boyfriend.
b. Stop trying to fix him up.
Someone in the lower ranks had gotten it into their heads that if Scar got laid he might stop his killng spree. The serial killer in question was less than enthusiastic about the attempted matchmaking.
The doctors said the soldier would recover by the end of the year.
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Unless you are willing to explain why you have an inflatable sheep to your own, dear mother, get rid of it.
Lieutenant Havoc had nothing to say on the matter.
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You are not allowed to taunt prisoners with baked goods.
Hughes had been eatng a piece of his wife's apple pie while he'd been questioning a suspected murderer. The man broke down sobbing about halfway through, and swore to confess everything if only Hughes would give him some.
"I always knew you were evil, Maes," Roy said.
"And it took you this long to figure it out?"
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If a plan makes Major Elric giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it's probably not a good one.
They were still finding bits of the building three months later.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is not related to the Flame Alchemist, and never has been.
Three months after Fullmetal's kidnapping, people were still teasing him and Mustang about having been mistaken for father and son.
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If you are ordered to report to the infirmary for a checkup and shots, you will do so without a fuss.
It supposedly took all of Mustang's men working with Hughes's people to track Edward down and drag him into the doctor's office.
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You are not allowed to take incriminating pictures of your fellow soldiers and co-workers.
a. Maes.
The only reason Hughes didn't die was that he could run faster than Mustang or Hawkeye.
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Not every usage of the word short is a reference to your height, Fullmetal. Get over yourself.
Nobody was quite sure why Edward blew up - the word short, or Mustang's admonition. Either way, they could hear him yelling from one end of the base to the other.
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Duels to the death are against regulations.
a. So are duels to the pain...whatever that means.
The stolen gloves and camera had escalated to the level of a duel, with the chosen weapon being practical jokes at fifty paces.
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If a mission goes wrong because of an incomplete briefing, it is not the fault of the officer involved.
The things Colonel Mustang had neglected to warn Edward about had tried to blow him up, bring a building down on his head, blackmail him, and eat him before he figured out how to deal with the problem, and Mustang still gave him a hard time about it when he got back.
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"You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?" only works if you're the one wearing the glasses.
Master Sergeant Cain Furey had not intended to get involved in the food fight, but ended up getting used as a human shield during the altercation.
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Just because it's small and cute doesn't mean it's harmless.
Considering that Colonel Mustang posted this, most people assumed it applied to the Fullmetal Alchemist. In actuality, someone had tried to grab Elysia, only to have her turn into an unholy terror right before their eyes.
"She did exactly what we taught her," a very relieved Maes Hughes said when it was all over.
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The Flame Alchemist is not a fire hazard.
"Just wait unti I get my gloves back, Hughes," Roy growled.
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To be continued...