Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the prank war. Brains will be broken, vocabulary will be expanded, and someone will get laid. All in all, general mayhem will erupt.
Let me know what you think. Reviews and comments are always welcome. Flames will be referred to the appropriate alchemist.
Once again, the characters and situations associated with the Fullmetal Alchemist are not mine. After this, I'm not sure if I'd even want them...
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Caine Furey was not the one who actually posted it. He was too busy having a nice quiet lie-down in the relative safety of the reception area of the courts-martial office, under the watchful eyes of Private Scizeka and Winry Rockbell.
When the others came looking for him, they found out for themselves just how formidable the young automail mechanic could be when she was protecting someone who she felt needed it.
"You're not coming anywhere near him, you perverts," she shrieked, brandishing a very large wrench. "How could you possibly – ooh!" With that, she slammed the door in their faces.
"What do you suppose that was about?" Havoc asked as he checked to make sure that his nose wasn't broken.
Neither Breda nor Fallman could answer until they saw the new rule that had gone up in the last day or so.
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Phone sex on official channels. No.
a. Just no.
Nobody was willing to own up to it, and Furey was too twitchy to point any fingers.
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Unless you work for building maintenance, there is no reason for you to need a 10-gallon galvanized steel bucket and a stepladder.
Hughes ended up with a bucket of cold water on his head, Elysia learned a few words she should not have learned until she was a teenager and certainly not from her father, and Roy Mustang ended up running for his life.
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The restless dead do not live under the parade ground.
a. Stop saying they do.
Apparently nobody else was going to let Mustang and his men live down Warehouse 13, either.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a mascot. Stop treating him like he is.
"Pull my hair one more time, and I'll transmute you into slime mold," Edward snarled after getting his braid pulled for the tenth time that day.
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You are not indestructible. Stop saying you are.
The last time Edward and Alphonse bragged about being indestructible, Edward's arm was shattered and Alphonse ended up with a hole in him big enough to drive a truck through
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If a plan makes Colonel Mustang giggle for more than fifteen seconds, change plans.
All anyone knew was that it had to do with the incident on August 13.
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Never say yes unless you know what the question was.
Breda hadn't been listening when Mustang asked for a volunteer to stay with the Elric brothers during the last twenty-four hours of their protective custody. To say the boys were squirrley was putting it mildly.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist does not need a babysitter.
Oddly enough, he stopped complaining once he got a look at her.
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If you must play "Truth or Dare," limit the dares to things that will not get you or anyone else arrested.
The sight of Vato Fallman running naked from one end of the base to the other was a treat for no one's eyes.
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Official resources are not to be used for vetting a fellow officer's significant other.
To be fair, though, they had been able to find out that the girl Mustang had been flirting with was a reporter for one of the nastier scandal rags in Central.
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Sanity is not overrated.
"Around here?" Maes Hughes was heard to comment. "Are you kidding?"
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You are not allowed to call in a full military strike against anyone because of a simple insult.
Ed and the Xingese princess had been getting on each others' nerves all evening. When she called him a sawed-off loudmouth, that was apparently the straw that broke the camel's back.
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Outdoor storage sheds are not to be used as make-out locations.
a. Alex, I'm surprised at you.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye was right," a disturbingly smug Maria Ross reported.
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The Elric brothers are not magnet fodder.
It occurred to someone that the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother could easily be immobilized by someone with a big enough magnet and started referring to them as such.
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If a plan makes Lt. Colonel Hughes giggle for more than fifteen seconds, run.
According to rumor, he was one of the co-conspirators behind the incident on August 13.
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Do not bite your superior officers.
a. You have no way of knowing where they've been.
Two days later, Colonel Mustang still had Edward's teeth marks on his shin.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a means for revenge.
After Havoc finished off the bottle of very good whiskey Mustang kept in his desk, the colonel told Edward that Havoc had called him short, and pointed the boy in his direction.
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Colonel Mustang is not a cigarette lighter, a flame-thrower, or a campfire. Please do not treat him as such.
"Thank you, Riza."
"Don't mention it, sir."
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Do not enrage the Elric brothers, for they are quick to anger and will take revenge.
The boys had gotten word that Lt. Hawkeye's dog sitter had been neglecting Black Hayate. Edward and Alphonse took over looking after the dog, and it took two hours to cut the man out of the alchemically-induced mess that had once been an overstuffed easy chair.
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Stop breaking Sergeant Furey's brain. Don't you know we're going to need him?
When Furey came into the office and found the car where the desks usually were, he turned around, went back to his dorm room, and hid under the bed for the rest of the day.
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To be continued...