And so, the prank war continues, and poor little Edward is getting the worst of it.
I've gotten a lot of comments from people wanting to know what happened on August 13, so I think the time has come to address it. The truth is, I really don't know. All I can say for absolutely certain is that it was nobody's proudest moment. As for the particulars, I'm more than tempted to let it remain a mystery, like the Noodle Incident in Calvin and Hobbes, where they only hinted at what happened.
As always, the characters and situations associated with Fullmetal Alchemist are not mine. They belong to Hiromu Arakawa and the people involved in the production of the show and manga.
Thank you for reading, and keep the reviews coming in. I thrive on them.
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Alphonse was reasonably sure that nothing had been wrong with his big brother when they got back to the Eastern Headquarters.
Edward had stopped to get a shower before he went to give his report to Colonel Mustang, and went in what Alphonse thought was the wrong locker room. He could have sworn the men's room was on the other side of the hallway.
He was in there for the span of about ten seconds before he heard half a dozen shrieks – one of which was Lt. Hawkeye, if he was hearing right – and Edward emerged, his face white as a sheet and a trickle of blood coming from his nose.
"Brother, are you okay?" he asked.
"I dunno, Al..." he said. "I think I just saw the Truth again..."
"But are you all right, Brother?" Alphonse said.
"Yeah, sure, I'll be fine," Edward said, and walked into the door.
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Do not switch the signs on the mens' and womens' locker rooms.
Edward Elric went into the wrong locker room and saw a lot more than he'd bargained for. He spent the rest of the day wandering around in a daze and occasionally walking into furniture.
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Unless you work for building maintenance, there should be no reason for you to have duct tape.
In a case of grossly mistaken identity, the Fullmetal Alchemist got duct-taped to the ceiling of Mustang's office by person or persons unknown.
If it hadn't been for the boy's cries for help, no one would have found him.
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Practical jokes are hereby banned from the library premesis.
The chaos when the goat got in the building resulted in three bookcases getting knocked over, a fourth one spontaneously combusting, and the Flame Alchemist losing his library privileges for a month.
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You are not the Fuhrer of anything.
"Yet," Colonel Mustang said.
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You are not allowed to attempt to teach the State Alchemists tricks.
a. Do you want them to kill you?
One of Frank Archer's men had tried teaching Edward Elric to sit up and beg. Three days later, he was still in hiding.
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Whoever taught Elysia Hughes how to play Blackjack, start running.
By the time her father realized what was going on, Elysia had managed to win most of Havoc's paycheck for the month. Maes wasn't sure whether to be proud or horrified, but settled for being pissed.
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Any and all snipe hunts on the training grounds are to cease immediately.
Havoc and Breda had thought it was funny to lead a group of new recruits on such a "hunt," leaving the recruits literally holding the bag and a big stick while they went for drinks. Neither Mustang, nor the new recruits were amused.
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When someone brings in donuts, leave the jelly-filled ones alone.
The only clue anyone had was that it was typewritten on the stationery from Lt. Colonel Hughes's office.
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Unless you have been trained in the use of a specific firearm, do not carry that firearm.
There had been a minor disaster involving Edward Elric, Riza Hawkeye, and a sniper rifle the boy didn't know how to use. Fortunately, no one was harmed.
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Until you have actually seen the corpse firsthand and are absolutely sure that the corpse has no ideas about turning up alive later, do not assume that the person/animal/chimera/homonculous is actually dead.
Envy had recovered from Lt. Ross having bashed his head in and came looking for a rematch. This time, she smashed him flat when he found her learning how to drive a tank and got in her way.
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The Piano Incident is not to be mentioned. Ever.
Neither Colonel Mustang, Lt. Colonel Hughes, nor Mrs. Hughes were willing to explain.
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The Flame Alchemist is no longer to be addressed as Sparky.
Edward Elric picked it up after he heard Lt. Colonel Hughes refer to Colonel Mustang by what was apparently a college nickname. It spread from there.
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For the third time, you deviants, stop perverting the language!
Havoc and Breda were the guilty parties this time. The word in question was 'pancake.' Mustang hadn't thought anything could embarrass him anymore. He was wrong.
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Big dogs and the Fullmetal Alchemist do not mix.
It was discovered not too long after Edward became a State Alchemist that big dogs tended to pounce on him every chance they got.
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There is no such thing as fireworks practice.
a. Especially in the office. (Inspired by iTorchic)
Colonel Mustang had volunteered to do the fireworks display for the Founders' Day celebration, and nearly burned down the office while demonstrating what he had in mind.
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If you are injured you are to report to the infirmary immediately for medical treatment.
a. Dammit, Edward, I thought you knew better.
Edward had been hurt worse than he had said while he was helping to stop a riot, and collapsed while giving Colonel Mustang his report on the incident. One trip to the emergency room later, both Colonel Mustang and Lt. Colonel Hughes yelled at him for his recklessness.
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A coerced confession is not admissable in court. Stop hanging prisoners out the window by the ankles.
a. Even if you are on the first floor.
b. Alphonse, I'm disappointed in you.
"He was going to hurt Brother," Alphonse said.
"And he called me short," Edward added.
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Permission to beat the crap out of somebody will never be granted.
General Hakuro posted this after witnessing an arguement between Flame and Fullmetal, during which Fullmetal made that very request.
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Atheism is not a religion.
This went up after Ed got into a shouting match with an entire monastary.
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Proselytizing is not allowed on government time.
Mustang posted this after Ed told him what he said to make three dozen monks simultaneously break a decades-long vow of silence.
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To be continued...
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A/N 2: The Piano Incident will be addressed, in the revised and updated version of Three of a Kind. I am writing a draft as we speak.