Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next chapter of the tale...sort of. Ed and Furey manage to get some of their own back as the prank war expands, and intervention is called for.
Once again (and I'm starting to get bored repeating myself) these characters aren't mine.
Sorry I'm not too chatty right now. I saved it all for my author's notes at the end.
This section is rated T for the presence of our special guest star, who is also not mine.
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It was a wonder that Havoc hadn't been caught before. If Colonel Mustang hadn't forgotten to order flowers for the funeral, nobody would have know any different.
"Who died?" Furey asked.
"Lt. Havoc's grandmother," said. "She passed on a couple of days ago, and he had to go to the funeral."
"That's weird," Breda said. "I just talked to her this morning. She said she was doing fine."
"Really..." Colonel Mustang's eyes narrowed at that. "In that case I'll have to call and congratulate her on her miraculous recovery."
Furey gulped at that. He had the feeling that, one way or another, Havoc was going to regret this.
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You only have two grandmothers at most, and they can only die once.
This went up after Havoc requested a day off for his grandmother's funeral three times in as many months.
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There is no such thing as a clue hammer.
a. Even if there was, you are not allowed to use it on a superior officer.
This went up after Ed's bizarre explanation for why he was stalking Mustang with a very large mallet in his hands.
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Keep your paranoia to yourself.
Corporal Andrews had shut himself up in the supply closet, screaming, "You'll never take me alive," when Havoc went to get some paper. An hour and a half and one picked lock later, the corporal was resting quietly in the psychiatric ward of the nearby military hospital.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is no longer allowed to compose or sing drinking songs.
It was one of the filthiest songs Roy Mustang had ever heard, but the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw was tremendously popular in the local pubs. He was surprised to find out that the one who wrote it was Edward Elric.
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Do not mock other people's illnesses.
Colonel Mustang had dropped by to tease Edward while the boy was sick with the chicken pox. Two weeks later, the colonel was also itchy and miserable.
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Recruitment Day is not an excuse to form a press gang.
Frank Archer had been making comments about recruiting people at gunpoint, and Major Armstrong posted this in response.
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Staplers are to be used only on paper.
It took an hour to pry the staples out of Breda's jacket so that he could get up and away from his desk. Furey had apparently found out he had a hand in the phone sex incident.
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Unless you are absolutely sure the lady is single, please refrain from trying to pick her up.
Roy Mustang didn't think anything of it when Captain Harkness ran past him and Fullmetal. He quickly changed his mind when Maes Hughes ran past with a knife in each hand, obviously chasing the captain, and yelling, "Stay the hell away from my wife!"
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State Alchemists do not taste like chicken.
"Oh? And just how would you know that, Riza?" Roy asked.
"Don't make me have to shoot you, sir."
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It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission no longer applies to the Fullmetal Alchemist.
Colonel Mustang never did get a straight answer as to why an entire town wanted to burn Edward at the stake.
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Enlisted men are not to be misappropriated and set to doing your yardwork.
a. Hughes, I'm surprised at you.
"I was working overtime on a case, and Gracia was exhausted," Maes said. "What else was I supposed to do?"
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You are not allowed to seranade a co-worker on government time.
It started with Danny Brosch singing to himself as he worked, and ended with him down on one knee, singing to Maria Ross at the top of his lungs while the rest of the office looked on in bemusement and/or horror.
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Paracelsus is no one's personal savior.
A religious cult that had built up around the seventeenth-century alchemist had massively pissed Edward Elric off for reasons nobody but his brother understood, but was unwilling to explain. A priest that had tried to recruit the Elric brothers suffered a black eye and a sprained wrist by the time Edward was done with him.
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You are not allowed to lock Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye in a closet and take bets on what happens.
Lt. Hawkeye shot the lock and she and the colonel tried to go after the culprit who locked them in. Coincidentally, Lt. Colonel Hughes decided right around that same time to cash in on some long-overdue leave and took his family on vacation to the other side of the country.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be taught how to curse in foreign languages.
a. Even if it is funny.
Fallman had taught Edward most of the obscenities in at least two Xingese dialects before Lt. Hawkeye caught them.
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The following betting pools are now closed: whether Col. Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye will hook up, the date of their engagement, the wedding date; and the time and date of birth, and gender of their firstborn child.
"For god's sake, we are not sleeping together," Hawkeye said.
"That's not what you were moaning last night," the colonel leered.
"Don't encourage them, sir."
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If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Everything about the new lead seemed to indicate it was a real Philosopher's Stone, and the Elrics eagerly went to check it out. When they returned unsuccessful, Roy Mustang was treated to the unsettling sight of having Edward deposit his report on the desk, and then burst into tears.
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You are not a pirate on the high seas of geekdom. Stop saying you are. (Inspired by Sonny Strait, of all people...)
In his defense, Maes Hughes had been exhausted to the point of collapse and punch-drunk as all hell when he said it. Fortunately, Gracia was called and she took him home to sleep it off.
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Will the people who keep breaking my brother's brain please stop. He can't take much more of this. (Posted by Alphonse Elric)
Ed was starting to get twitchy every time he had to come anywhere near the base.
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You are no longer allowed to stalk Colonel Mustang.
The colonel's fans amongst the female junior officers had gotten a bit too enthusiastic for anyone's liking.
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To be continued...
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Okay...several author's notes this time.
First of all, if anyone recognizes it, the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw turned up in the Fifty Sentences set I wrote dealing with Maes and Gracia Hughes in 1923 Munich. Before you ask, no, I'm not going to write it, because I can't write lyrics, and I think this one is definitely best left to the imagination. If you want to have a go at it, though, feel free. Just make sure to send me a copy.
Secondly, yes, it is Captain Jack Harkness. For those who've never seen Dr. Who or Torchwood, Jack Harkness is an immortal, a former con artist, and a shameless flirt. If the person - male or female - is attractive he will make a pass at them. His presence alone is enough to warrant a PG or PG-13 rating. I haven't seen Torchwood, myself, but I get the impression that Jack settled down somewhat after he took up the defense of the Earth.
Third, Paracelsus was a seventeenth century alchemist and what we'd probably call today a holistic physician. He was also known as Phillipus Theophrastus Aurelius Bombastus Von Hohenheim. Is it any wonder Ed blew a gasket?
Finally, Sonny Strait, for those of you who've never paid attention, was the voice of Maes Hughes in the English dub of FMA. He is also, apparently, a writer and director for more than a few anime series, and a writer and illustrator for Elfquest. He published a comic fantasy graphic novel called We Shadows a couple of years ago, and in the About the Author section, he's described as a pirate on the high seas of geekdom.