Okay. I know it's been a while since I last posted, but March is just...not a good month for me. Too many bad emotional connotations. I haven't quite been wallowing in angst, but I haven't exactly been focusing on my writing, either.
As always, we have alchemists – and pretty much everyone else - behaving badly, and, as an old friend once said, mayhem ensues.
Fullmetal Alchemist still isn't mine, unfortunately. I'd be way richer if it were.
Any and all flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist, and all reviews are welcome.
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If Danny had thought about it, he would have known that something was up. Really.
Over the past few months he and Maria had been taking turns bringing in treats on Fridays. It had begun when she tried the peanut butter cookie from Shou Tucker's "cookbook" and brought the results in for him to try, and had spiraled from there when he'd brought in chocolate chip cookies the next week.
The past few Fridays, though, she'd been bringing in fruit and vegetable plates, rather than the usual pastries or brownies.
That alone should have been a signal.
Today, though, he'd bought in fudge from the bakery in town, and was already working on his share when she came in.
"You bastard," she said when she saw him. "After all this time, I thought you'd understand."
He swallowed the bite of fudge, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Understand what?"
She explained it to him. Then she told him in graphic detail what she would do to him if he brought sweets in again for the next six months.
Next Friday, he brought in a nice selection of fresh fruit and bran muffins.
#
If a fellow officer is on a diet, do not taunt her with chocolate.
In his defense, Danny Brosch hadn't known that Maria Ross was trying to lose five pounds the day he came in with the bag of fudge.
#
You do not have the authority to negotiate treaties between nations.
"It'd put an end to the fighting a lot faster if we could," Sgt. Furey was heard to complain.
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The cult surrounding the Elric brothers is to disperse immediately.
The Paracelsus cult had discovered that the sons of Hohenheim were on base, were treating them with the reverence usually due to gods, and generally getting in the boys' way.
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Strip poker has been banned from all military property except for personal quarters.
a. What you do on your own time is your own business.
Maria Ross had come to drop some papers off to Colonel Mustang's office, only to find him and his men sitting around the table in their underwear, and apparently playing a high-stakes game of poker.
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"Because I was drunk" is never a good reason.
It was the only explanation Mustang and his men had for why they had appropriated Edward Elric's spare arm, half a dozen broken typewriters, twenty pounds of foul-smelling Xerxian cheese, Black Hayate, and five rolls of butcher's paper.
#
Unless you are a patient or a mechanic, you should have no reason to need automail.
As it turned out, Edward didn't have a spare arm.
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Participants in the prank war are not eligible for combat pay.
The ladies in payroll posted this after they stopped laughing, much to the dismay of Havoc and Breda.
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If your intention is to piss off the Flame Alchemist, please bear in mind that you and your uniform are both flammable.
The lieutenant was built like a linebacker, and had the attitude to go along with it. His attempt to intimidate Colonel Mustang ended with a formal reprimand in his file and second degree burns all over his body.
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You are not a ninja. Stop saying you are.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Furey asked when he read it.
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You are not allowed to ask Scar about the accuracy of the song.
One of Scar's fangirls approached him to find out for herself, only to have him blow up most of a wall and very nearly her brain trying to escape.
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Unless you are sure the lady is of equal or lesser rank, please refrain from trying to pick her up.
a. It's against regulations anyway.
Master Sergeant Caine Furey had unknowingly made a pass at Major General Olivia Armstrong when she'd come to visit her brother. Nobody was entirely sure they wanted to know what happened between the two of them, but Furey grinned for two days straight afterwards.
#
There is no such thing as a high velocity ambush squid.
It was only Ed, a very small octopus, and a slingshot.
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Pie does not equal ammunition.
There had been plenty of pies and plenty of hostility, and the legends that came out of that particular food fight were still being told a century later.
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Colonel Roy Mustang is not Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye's love slave.
a. Even if he wants to be.
"For the last time, we are not sleeping together!" Hawkeye shrieked.
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You are not allowed to sunbathe nude on the parade ground.
"Mama, why isn't Mr. Armstrong wearing any clothes?"
"...um...."
"Mama, why is your face turning red?"
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Any transmutation of vehicles is to be performed outside. (Inspired by dragondiamond9)
Lt. Colonel Hughes was more than ready to murder his best friend when he found the abstract sculpture that used to be his new car in the middle of his office.
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If you insist upon transmutating a vehicle, it had better be yours.
It took both Elric brothers, Private Sciezka, Major Armstrong, and Sergeant Brosch to separate Hughes and Mustang in the ensuing fight.
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The game of Assassin has been banned from base.
This happened after Colonel Mustang got taken down by Riza Hawkeye with a water gun.
"With all due respect, sir," she said later, "the only person authorized to assassinate you is me, which is why I took the assignment. Would you rather that Ms. Rockbell have done it?"
"..."
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The Fullmetal Alchemist cannot be arrested for being rude.
"As tempting though it may be..." Colonel Mustang said.
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There is a fine line between healthy fear and paranoia.
Breda had become convinced that Black Hayate was planning something and had taken to hiding on top of the filing cabinet again.
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Bets on who started the fight?