Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the end of the prank war. Sad to say, it had to come eventually. Don't worry, though. There's also gratuitous fanservice, a new war between Edward and Colonel Mustang, the return of Captain Jack Harkness, and a few hints about the incident on August 13. I hope you like it.
As always, Fullmetal Alchemist and its characters are not mine. Arakawa-san will get them back only slightly worse for wear, but otherwise unharmed.
Reviews and comments are always welcome, and flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.
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Riza Hawkeye's grandfather had had a still when she was a little girl, and she had gone with him to check it more than once when she was visiting. She hadn't known what it was at the time, but as she got older, she'd learned what it was he was making, and she did know what moonshine smelled like.
So, she didn't expect to come back from her lunch break to find the office smelling like the stuff, and the men she worked with three sheets to the wind.
"I said, sit down, Fullmetal," the colonel said in his office. "No, wait, I might not be able to see you if you did."
Havoc, Breda, Fallman, and Fuery took a drink.
"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE COULDN'T BE SEEN WITH A MICROSCOPE?!" Edward roared.
The four of them took another drink.
"I never said that, Fullmetal," he said. "You're simply selling yourself short, is all I'm saying. There's no need for you to belittle yourself."
"I AM NOT SHORT!"
The four of them chugged their respective drinks, and Fuery fell on the floor, barely conscious and muttering the lyrics to the song about the one-armed alchemist and the girl with the chainsaw.
Instead of opening fire, she put her little fingers in her mouth and let out an ear-piercing whistle that caught the attention of all of them except Fuery, who was still singing a verse of That Song that she had never heard before.
"Uh...hi, Lieutenant," Havoc said, looking everywhere except at her.
"You have ten seconds to tell me what's going on," she said.
They did. Two minutes later, there was a new rule on the board.
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Drinking games while on duty. No.
"Edward and the colonel arguing is no excuse for you to get drunk," Lt. Hawkeye said. "Do you understand?"
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Elysia Hughes is not to be taught alchemy without her parents' permission.
Edward and Alphonse had started teaching her the basics of alchemy the last time they got roped into babysitting. A week later, her mother found her drawing a transmutation circle on the wall of her bedroom.
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Handcuffs are not to be used for recreational purposes.
"Forget to turn in your cuffs just once on a Friday, and you're immediately labled a bondage queen," Maria Ross complained. "It's just not fair."
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You are not allowed to go to your "happy place" on government time.
It took fifteen minutes to snap Danny Brosch out of it after he heard Maria's comment.
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We do not need to know what your happy place looks like.
For Danny, apparently, it involved Maria Ross in black leather and spike heel boots.
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When plotting a rescue, make sure you do not end up in the position of needing a rescue yourself.
Stories about Edward's role the incident on August 13 were starting to creep out, and nobody was letting him live it down.
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You are no longer allowed to steal towels from the womens' locker room if there are none in the mens'.
When Lt. Hawkeye walked into the mens' locker room wearing nothing but a bra and panties to get a clean towel out of their linen closet, never before had so many men dove for cover so very quickly.
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You are not allowed to steal towels from the women's locker room for the sake of orchestrating a "free show."
When the ladies heard about this, the ensuing boxer raid was swift, merciless, and near-terminally embarrassing for half the men present.
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Friendly fire isn't. Stop telling the new recruits it is.
While it was shocking just what the newbies would believe to be true because a senior officer said it, it was also quite hilarious.
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Your commanding officer is to be kept informed of major events as they happen, not two weeks later.
When the angry mob turned up looking for Edward Elric's head...and other bits of his anatomy...on a platter, Mustang was clueless about what their grievances right up until Edward's report hit the desk five minutes after the mob's arrival.
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Any pranks requiring the cooperation of Alphonse Elric will be carried out only with his willing and informed consent.
When Edward found the lifeless suit of armor by the side of the road, he was terrified he'd lost his brother. Lt. Colonel Hughes found him and called Colonel Mustang, who arrived with Alphonse in tow, only to have Edward faint at the sight of his brother.
It was quickly ascertained that the culprit behind the prank was one of Archer's men, and vengeance was taken quickly.
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Water-based creatures with more than four legs have been banned from base.
This, after Breda spent ten minutes with an octopus down his pants as punishment after having pissed off Colonel Mustang.
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Any and all bets concerning Warrant Officer Fallman and Private Sciezka are to be placed with the Elric brothers.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Winry said when she heard the story.
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The slogan "Save a jeep, ride a captain." has been banned from base.
"Captain Harkness, pervert extraordinaire," Edward Elric said when he found out who started it.
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You are not allowed to teach Elysia Hughes how to fight without her parents' permission.
This went up after Elysia dispatched the bully who was picking on her best friend, using a move that was patently Edward Elric's.
Edward was thrilled to death by his student's progress. Her parents, not so much.
He went into hiding for two days until he was sure he wouldn't be skinned.
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Unless you are watching film footage of male deer, you are not allowed to bring stag movies into the office and view them.
When the Elric boys walked into the office and saw what was showing on the movie screen, Edward fainted, and it was learned that it was possible for a suit of armor to blush.
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The prank war ends. Now. (By order of General Hakuro, Lt. Riza Hawkeye, Alphonse Elric, and Gracia Hughes)
Hakuro was ready to court martial any and all participants. Hawkeye was ready to shoot both Hughes and Mustang. Gracia was ready to have them both sedated until she was sure they could behave themselves. And Alphonse had taken his brother back to Resembool to rest for a few weeks.
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If it looks explosive, it probably is.
Edward got the meaning immediately, and lunged at Colonel Mustang."Why you son of a - "
"I rest my case," Roy said as he stepped out of the way.
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There are no ninjas lurking around the Eastern Headdquarters building.
a. Even if there were, Lt. Hawkeye does not control them.
"Of course I don't," Riza said. "The pirates are a lot more entertaining."
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The following phrases have been banned from the base: "What could possibly go wrong?" "It can't possibly get any worse." "What could possibly happen?"
a. Make no mistake. It will go wrong, it can get worse, and it will happen.
After several incidents of someone invoking these phrases and all hell proceeding to break loose, this went without saying.
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To be continued...