So, long time no see. I know it's been a while, but when I started writing this piece, I promised myself that when I broke it into chapters, I would write the story that went with the first piece of each part without changing the order.
If you've been reading this for very long, you can guess that some of these were easier to write than others. This one was one of the more difficult ones.
Since I'm still not Arakawa-san, I can only say that these characters aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for a while, and will return them in just as good a shape as when I got them...mostly. Whether she'll want them back, though...that's another story.
As always, drop me a line and let me know what you think. Reviews are always welcome, and all flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.
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According to the army's official regulations, its officers were required to attend the occasional seminar as a means of keeping their skills fresh and their knowledge up to date. The officers had to attend at least five of them a year, so they were held fairly frequently.
Edward had never been on base, or near a base so he could attend one...until today.
It had something to do with combat strategy, but he wasn't really paying too much attention. Izumi-sensei had already taught him the majority of the material when he was eleven. The group tactics weren't something he was interested in, either. He had no intention of ever having to lead troops into combat.
The only real entertainment was that screwball Andrews. He proposed the craziest battle plans for the most straightforward situations. He proposed retreat when attack would be wisest. And he was the only one who would ever consider seducing enemy commanders as a means of preventing a battle.
Well, the only one other than Harkness, Ed thought with a smirk. The captain would probably sleep with anything if it was attractive and willing.
When the instructor started discussing calculation of casualties, he asked the standard question...and got a less than standard answer.
The classroom erupted into laughter until they realized he was serious.
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Twelve Amestrian dead plus thirty-four enemy dead does not equal one hell of a barbecue.
Corporal Andrews was given a Section Eight discharge, and was now on his way back home in the company of his mother.
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There is no such thing as "Hug an Alchemist Day."
The alchemists had been glomped about half a dozen times each by various people before they figured out what was going on.
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You are not allowed to start a "Hug an Alchemist Day."
Edward Elric had not realized he had a virtual army of fangirls in Eastern City until the girl wished him a happy first annual Hug An Alchemist Day, and glomped him.
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Ouroborous tattos are officially banned from base.
The day Danny Brosch showed off his new tattoo, he spent most of his time hiding from the Elric Brothers and Colonel Mustang, who seemed convinced that he had somehow become a homonculous.
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The people in your unit are not your minions - evil, faceless, or otherwise.
That Colonel Mustang had a megalomaniacal streak was a well-known fact. That he had that trait in common with Lt. Colonel Hughes was not so well-known.
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Colonel Mustang is no longer to be referred to as Mr. Riza Hawkeye.
There seemed to be some question of who wore the pants in their relationship...such as it was.
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We do not have Casual Fridays.
Nobody was sure what was scarier: Maes Hughes in the duck pajamas, or Jean Havoc in leather pants.
"Al, I think I just went blind again..."
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You are not allowed to steal Major Armstrong's sparklies.
Nobody was entirely sure how Havoc did it, but while he had them, the things were everywhere and they bred like rabbits until Armstrong stepped in and took them back.
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When in doubt, read the directions.
It took Maes Hughes, Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc, and Edward Elric three hours, countless curse words, and half a pack of cigarettes to put Elysia's new swingset together wrong. Between the four of them, Gracia, Riza, Sciezka, and Winry took about half an hour to undo the damage and get the thing up and going.
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"I wonder what this array does..." is something you never want to hear a State Alchemist say.
Mustang's men were lucky they weren't having to mop him up after he touched a previously unknown array and unleashed at least five thousand gallons of water that immediately flooded the entire third floor.
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You are not allowed to make water jokes around the Flame Alchemist.
He still hadn't gotten completely over being told he was "useless in the rain," and the incident on the third floor wasn't helping.
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Unless you know the language, do not attempt to curse in it.
Breda's attempts to curse in Xingese had Colonel Mustang laughing hysterically before it was over. "Who knew he could even speak the lingo?" he said.
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You are not allowed to pet the kitty chimera's ears or any other bits of its anatomy.
a. Even if it is adorable.
Despite his allergies, Colonel Mustang couldn't resist. Twenty stitches and a rabies shot later, he learned his lesson.
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A big dog will just as soon steal your watch as look at it.
Ed had come in with a shovel and what looked like a clod of dirt in his hands, tacked the note to the bulletin board, and was next seen in the kitchenette scrubbing his pocketwatch clean.
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Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes is not now, nor has he ever been a samurai.
"But the guy in that Xingese movie sounded just like him," Sciezka insisted. "It was just...creepy."
She didn't see the Lieutenant Colonel put the throwing star away and walk out of the room smirking.
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Do not mock a superior officer unless you are sure said superior officer is not standing behind you.
Edward had been doing his always excellent impression of Colonel Mustang when the man himself came up behind him and watched. "I don't think I'm that bad, Fullmetal," he said.
Edward yelped and had to be pried off the ceiling.
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You are not allowed to take bets on how long it takes the Fullmetal Alchemist to destroy his automail.
a. It only encourages him. (Posted by Winry Rockbell)
The betting pool apparently covered more than just who may or may not have been sleeping with whom.
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Home remedies are to be left at home.
"Grandma Mustang strikes again, I see," Maes Hughes said, and walked away smirking.
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The Oncoming Storm is not coming to get you. Stop saying he is.
The Oncoming Storm was a character in bedtime stories that parents told their children if they didn't want them to become alchemists.
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You cannot have flashbacks to something that never happened.
Lt. McLeod bragged for weeks about the part he played in stopping the invading army that fought under the banner of the twisted cross. When he said it happened three years in the future, people started giving him a very wide berth.
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To be continued...
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A/N 1: The reference to Grandma Mustang and her home remedies will be explained in another piece.
A/N 2: The reference to the army fighting under the banner of the twisted cross is a blatent reference to Conquerer of Shamballa, which hasn't happened yet in this continuity.
A/N 3: Yes, the Oncoming Storm is, in fact, the Doctor. I figured with Captain Jack running around all this time, it was inevitable he'd show up sooner or later.