Well, it's been nearly a month since I last posted. Thankfully, I managed to salvage my notes for this piece. Once again, alchemists behave badly, investigators act up, fallout from the prank war is still felt, and Captain Jack puts in another appearance.
In theory, updates should start to come fairly regularly now.
Fullmetal Alchemist still isn't mine, but I promise I'll return the characters in approximately the same condition as when I borrowed them.
Reviews are always welcome, and I will try to answer every one. Flames will be directed to the appropriate alchemist.
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The List, since it had gone up, had prompted amusement, occasional outrage, some trepidation on more than a few people's parts, and a fairly extensive prank war. The day Edward Elric emerged from the third-floor break room looking ready to kill something or someone, it sparked a vendetta.
"This is the last straw," he snarled to himself, "I'm not a damn dog, and if I hear one more crack about me being a puppy of the military, I'm gonna transmute 'em into penicillin and give them to Winry to for medical supplies..."
The only reason Mustang's door didn't shatter when he kicked it in was that he didn't use his automail leg.
The colonel was in a meeting with Lieutenants Hawkeye and Havoc, but Edward ignored them. "You," he growled, and grabbed Mustang by the front of his uniform. "Come with me."
"You'd better have a good excuse, Fullmetal," he said.
Edward didn't say a word until he'd dragged him back to the break room. "Look," he said, "at that."
Mustang did, and he understood.
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Do not feed the alchemists.
a. Do it once, and they never go away.
"Fullmetal," the Flame Alchemist said to his very young colleague, "I think we've just been insulted."
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You are not allowed to buy souls on government time.
Which was a pity, because Havoc had accumulated quite a collection before anyone caught on.
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Elysia Hughes is to be returned to the custody of her mother.
a. Now.
Elysia had been used as a pawn by both sides in the prank war, and, while she had been having the time of her young life playing a grand game with her daddy and uncle, her mother was ready to take a page from Lt. Hawkeye's book and shoot the pair of them.
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You are not allowed to bring ice cream in unless you are willing to share.
Danny got the idea after Maria took the spoon away from him and helped herself to most of his chocolate chip ice cream. Apparently, she was off her diet.
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Any reference to Colonel Mustang's unit had better be referring to the men under his command.
One of the colonel's fangirls had a far dirtier mind than anyone had expected.
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You are not allowed to insult a fellow officer and blame it on a sock puppet.
When Mustang heard a high-pitched silly voice call him a lint-sucking son of a bitch, he turned to see Fullmetal standing there, a sock-puppet version of himself on his right hand and a grin on his face. "He did it," he said, pointing at the puppet.
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The library is a place for reading and for doing serious research. If your intention is to pick up girls, there are nightclubs and bars in town.
While Private Sciezka had apparently been utterly charmed by Captain Harkness's attentions, Warrant Officer Fallman wasn't.
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Teenage hormones and unresolved sexual tension are not a solid basis for a doctor-patient relationship.
Havoc noticed Ed and Winry standing in the break room trying to puzzle that one out. "You'd think they never saw anyone flirting before," Winry said.
Havoc thought about some of the teenagers' fights that he'd witnessed, and nearly inhaled his cigarette.
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The Flame Alchemist is hereby forbidden from growing a mustache. Ever.
"He looks like a porn star!" Edward said between giggles.
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Base personnel under the age of sixteen are not to be given sugar.
Maes Hughes posted this after spending a harrowing afternoon with his daughter and the Elric brothers. Suffice to say, there was a lot of chocolate and three hyperactive children involved.
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Be afraid. Be very afraid.
When Flame and Fullmetal found out that Captain Marx was the one responsible for the insult to the base's alchemists, they immediately called a truce and started hunting him.
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The inflatable sheep is not in the chain of command and is not authorized to give orders.
This, after Havoc and Breda got caught mid-prank and said, "The sheep made us do it."
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The only person allowed to call Roy Mustang "Colonel Bastard" is the Fullmetal Alchemist.
"It's almost sweet how protective those boys are of him," Gracia Hughes said.
"In a warped sort of way," Maes agreed.
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"Like hell I will," is not a proper response when given a direct order. a. Even if it is prefaced by, "With all due respect, sir.
"This went up after Fallman refused to take custody of the Fullmetal Alchemist while the boy was on a sugar and caffeine high that was frightening to behold.
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If you must insist on gambling, do not bet more than you can afford to lose.
Gracia posted this after she spent a solid month feeding Danny Brosch because he lost an entire month's paycheck to Lt. Havoc.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is the only one permitted to refer to Miss Rockbell as a "gearhead."
"She's even scarier than Major Elric when she's mad," Fuery whimpered from the relative safety of underneath Colonel Mustang's desk.
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Unless you can prove the lady is your significant other, you have no business fighting over her.
When Danny Brosch caught Captain Harkness flirting with Maria Ross, the ensuing brawl ended with Danny on the ground muttering about how green the sky was, and Maria calling them both idiots and walking away from the whole mess.
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Prisoners who cooperate do not get nudity privileges with their interrogators.
"You maniacs broke my husband!" Gracia shouted when she found out why she had been called to take him home.
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Gracia Hughes is not to be messed with.
It turned out that she could be just as scary as Hawkeye when she wanted to be.
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Neither the Fullmetal Alchemist nor his younger brother needs to have a sex education lecture.
Since Edward's personnel record showed that he had never had the Talk, it was assumed that Alphonse hadn't either. Since Colonel Roy Mustang was the closest thing to a father figure the boys had, he was enlisted to give them the Lecture.
At the first mention of sex, Edward blushed, sputtered, and got indignant. Alphonse, on the other hand, folded his hands, rested them on the table, and said, "What do you want to know?"
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A/N: Ah, the birds and the bees. You and I both know that this is not going to end well.