Ladies and gentlemen, I now return you to our standard level of chaos. We've got practical jokes, traumatized Elrics, Captain Jack Harkness, and annoyed homonculi. What more could you ask for?

For those of you who are sending in requests for stories, don't worry. A lot of these I wrote with only a vague idea of the stories behind them, so fleshing them out is taking some work. I will post them sooner or later. I haven't forgotten you.

For those of you who may want to see the ones with Captain Jack, I'm probably going to use those in a crossover with Dr. Who that I've been toying with for a while now. I have a fragment that I may post at some point here, but beyond that, I've got nothing.

As always, FMA still isn't mine, and neither are the two guest stars...unfortunately.

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"Absolutely not." Roy Mustang folded his arms across his chest and glared over his desk at his men.

"But, we can't do it, sir," Heymans Breda said. "We don't know them as well as you."

"If anyone does it, it should be Hughes," Mustang insisted. "He's closer to being a father figure to them than I am."

"Don't look at me, Roy," Hughes said. "You're the one who's really responsible for them. If anyone's their father figure, it's you."

"But I'm not old enough!" he said.

"With all due respect, sir," Riza Hawkeye said. "You are Edward's commanding officer."

He gave her his best puppy-dog eyes expression, but she didn't budge an inch. "Can't you do it, Lieutenant?"

"Sir, this is really the sort of discussion that should be had man-to-man," she said.

The first thought that went through his head would have gotten him killed instantly if he'd said it. "...do I have to?" he finally asked, quite pointedly not pouting. Not in the slightest.

"The commanding officer is usually the one who does it," Hawkeye said.

"Why me?"

"We took a vote and decided, Chief," Havoc said.

Okay. He could get back on sold footing with that. "And why do I not recall this?" he asked. It wasn't like he'd been napping in the office, after all...at least not this morning.

Five minutes after he had his answer, the new rule went up.

Ten minutes after that, the Elrics were in his office.

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You are not allowed to volunteer people without their consent.

Colonel Mustang had been in the bathroom when it was decided that he would be the one to give the Elrics the Talk.

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Handcuffs are not to be used for anything but professional reasons.

When the two missing pairs of handcuffs had been tracked down, one pair was found around the wrists of Colonel Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye, and the other around the wrists of Edward Elric and Winry Rockbell.

The two would-be couples were planning the murder of the person or persons who had shackled them together and then hid the keys.

Oddly enough, Lt. Colonel Hughes and his family had gone on vacation to the other side of the country again while this was happening.

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The Flame Alchemist's little black book is not public property.

a. Give it back, Fullmetal.

Edward had apparently gotten hold of it during his last argument with the colonel, and had put it up for auction.

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You are not the Oncoming Storm. For the love of the gods, stop saying you are!

The skinny guy with the weird hair and the trench coat and the near-permanent smirk on his face had every alchemist on base - Fullmetal, Flame and Strongarm included - in a state of near-panic for reasons they couldn't explain.

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The space in Alphonse Elric's armor is not for rent.

"I feel so violated..." Alphonse said.

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Black Hayate is not to be used as bait for the opposite sex.

Havoc had gotten it into his head that women liked men who were good with animals, and borrowed Black Hayate. The only woman whose attention he caught was an irate Lt. Hawkeye.

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If you can't take it, don't dish it out.

After Ed found out that Colonel Mustang had been as touchy about his height as Edward when he was a teenager, Edward started throwing every short joke in the book at him.

Mustang responded in kind, and the architecture suffered for it.

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The words "I'm fine" do not apply to the following situations: stab wounds, gunshot wounds, copious blood loss, head injuries of any kind, high fever, massive contusions, dislocated limbs, and broken bones. (Posted by Gracia Hughes)

As near as anyone could tell, Hughes had come home badly hurt and tried to dismiss his injuries with the words, "I'm fine." Gracia, having been a nurse before she married him, knew damn well that he wasn't, and all but frog-marched him to the emergency room.

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You are not allowed to kidnap the Fullmetal Alchemist.

The last guy to try it was still in the hospital, and would be eating through a straw for either the next six months or until his jaw healed, whichever came first.

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Unless there is actually a fire, the sprinkler system is strictly off-limits.

Edward had finally been pranked once too often, and decided to take matters into his own hands…so to speak. There were six inches of water standing in Colonel Mustang's office before anyone managed to turn it off.

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Any and all exploits from the distant past – sexual or otherwise – are to be kept in the distant past.

As it turned out, Jack Harkness was an old drinking buddy of Pinako Rockbell's. . .among other things. By the time they'd finished reminiscing, Colonel Mustang had fainted, and his men were close to joining him.

The teenagers, on the other hand, had seen where the whole thing was going, and left before it got bad.

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There is no such thing as brain bleach.

a. Although there should be.

The men in Colonel Mustang's unit – the colonel included – put in for a gallon of the stuff apiece after Mrs. Rockbell left.

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Do not mess with Lieutenant Hawkeye's knitting.

"I didn't even know she could knit," Alphonse said, though that did explain what the Colonel had said about having not remembered that cotton burned at such a low temperature.

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Don't ask. Just...don't ask.

It was the only answer anyone could get for why Hughes and Mustang returned from what was supposed to have been a simple there-and-back-again mission without their jeep, their uniforms, or their self-respect, and looking like a matched pair of swamp monsters.

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The words "stir fry" and "Black Hayate" are not to be used in the same sentence.

Lt. Hawkeye was not about to let Lt. Havoc forget what he'd planned to do with her dog.

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The younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist is not as innocent as people think he is.

The Talk had proven to be more instructive on both sides than had been anticipated, and when it was over, a blushing Colonel Mustang tacked the new rule to the bulletin board.

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If you're going to insult someone, for god's sake, leave their mother out of it.

One of Captain Marx's cronies apparently made an obscene reference to Colonel Mustang's mother, and quickly came to regret it.

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Contrary to popular belief, Colonel Mustang can do more with alchemy than set things on fire. (Suggested by Wanna be Alchemist)

The man who made the mistake of insulting Mrs. Mustang ended up alchemized to the ceiling with a piece of duct tape over his mouth. It took nearly twelve hours for anyone to come looking for him, and two more after that for someone to find him.

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Hanging laundry does not equal target practice.

"I only did that once, Riza!"

"I know, sir."

"I was a teenager. I didn't know any better."

"Of course not, sir."

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If you encounter the homunculus known as Lust, do not attempt to look down her dress.

a. Or up her skirt.

Warrant Officer Robbins tried this, and learned to his detriment that the lady had claws. According to the doctors, he was going to have to learn to get along with three fewer feet of intestine than he would normally have.

Surprisingly, the women on base were of the opinion that he got off easy.

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