Well, this is another one that was surprisingly hard to write. You see, there was a story elsewhere on the web that dealt with a staring contest with Alphonse, which inspired the rule, and I didn't want to plagiarize.
I think I found a good angle around it.
Let me know, will you?
As always, FMA isn't mine. Of course, neither is Captain Jack, nor our guest star from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He'll be explained in the author's notes.
On other topics, Dispatches from the East is still going strong (42 reviews so far! Thanks to all my readers there!), and if there's a topic you'd like to see me write on, let me know. Those of you who have suggested things that haven't turned up yet, don't worry. I'm working on it.
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Edward's eyes felt like they were going to boil out of their sockets, like he'd been staring at the sun for too long, like he'd gone five rounds with Colonel Bastard in a bad mood. The fact that it was his own fault wasn't helping.
"I thought you knew better."
His best friend's lack of sympathy for his situation was not helping either.
"I'm really sorry, Brother..."
His little brother's misplaced guilt only made it worse.
"It's not your fault, Al," Winry said. "Ed's just an idiot, that's all."
"Hey! I resent that," Ed said.
"Well, you shouldn't," Winry said. "It's the truth, after all."
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Do not challenge Alphonse Elric to a staring contest. You will not win.
"Suits of armor can't blink, you idiot," WInry said, even as she put a cold compress over Edward's eyes. "I thought you already knew that."
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is no longer allowed to have sock puppets.
The Day in the Life of Eastern Command puppet show - written, directed, produced, and starred in by Edward Elric - was an enormous hit with Alphonse and Elysia both, but was also slanderous and borderline treason. It was also a solid explanation for where everybody's socks had been going for the past week.
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Explosions are not necessarily a good thing.
A friend of Riza's who had been a demolitions expert during the war had come to visit her, and had hit it off with Edward Elric. They started comparing notes.
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You are not allowed to submit a collection of dirty limericks in place of a report.
"And that was some of my best work, too," Edward Elric said. "I tell you, Al, the colonel has no respect for poetry."
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My type is not "upright and breathing." (Posted by Jack Harkness)
"So says the man who made a pass at half the women on base, me, and my husband," Gracia Hughes said. "And that's just the ones I know about."
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The inflatable sheep cannot stand in for you during morning roll-call.
a. Havoc.
He had apparently explained the situation to his mother, and she had, for reasons beyond most people's fathoming, accepted it.
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Lt. Hawkeye did not attend the Yule party.
a. Anyone who says otherwise is sorely mistaken.
Riza Hawkeye and alcohol, it turned out, were not a good combination, no matter how entertaining she was.
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You are not allowed to play with your food.
This, after the Elric brothers literally built a castle out of the tater tots on his plate, and used the broccoli as the surrounding vegetation.
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You are not allowed to make pornographic movies on military property.
"I think we broke Lieutenant Hawkeye..."
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Do not judge a book by its cover.
The book that Sciezka had been poring over for the past two days turned out to be an old edition of a Xingese book called the Kama Sutra.
When Hughes asked her about it, she smiled innocently and said, "It never hurts to be prepared, sir."
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You are not allowed to attempt to drink Colonel Mustang under the table.
a. Do you want to die of alcohol poisoning?
Colonel Mustang had a very high tolerance for alcohol, as Lt. Havoc learned, much to his cost.
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You are not allowed to sell naked pictures of the women on base.
a. Even if they do get a cut.
Gracia Hughes had borrowed her husband's knives, and Hawkeye got out her favorite sniper rifle and the two of them started hunting the would-be cheesecake photographers.
Captain Morgenstern and his accomplice, Warrant Officer Robbins, promptly went into hiding.
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We do not need to know how many live goldfish you can eat.
Fallman ate twenty-two, and was sick for a week afterward.
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If you intend to insult somebody, please have the decency to identify yourself first.
When the man materialized in Colonel Mustang's office during the meeting, called him a pyromaniacal manwhore, and disappeared, there was a moment of stunned silence before everyone except the colonel burst out laughing.
An extensive search of the base and its grounds revealed that there was no one stationed there who met that person's description, and never had been.
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There is no such thing as "Naked Tuesday."
a. Especially if it's women only.
Among the disappointed men were Roy Mustang, Danny Brosch, Jean Havoc, and Vato Fallman.
"It's not a problem for me," Jack Harkness was reported to have said when asked about his lack of reaction. "I can wait until after hours if they can."
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The alchemists have been banned from the kitchenette until further notice.
After two disastrous incidents involving first Fullmetal and then Flame, it was universally decided that they were never to attempt to cook again…at least, on government property.
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Unless you are Lieutenant Hawkeye and acting under specific orders, do not attempt to assassinate your commanding officer.
Edward had expressed an interest in learning how to throw knives, and during his lesson with Hughes, Colonel Mustang accidentally crossed the line of fire. Fortunately, he walked away with nothing more than a torn uniform jacket.
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Today is never a good day to die.
This, after a skirmish with Envy. Furey had received a concussion and a broken arm, but the doctors said he'd be okay, given time.
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You are no longer allowed to bet on your colleagues' love lives.
There was a betting pool going on how quickly Havoc's new girlfriend would dump him, and whether it would be Mustang she dumped him for, or someone else.
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You can't handle the truth.
State Alchemist Mulder (known casually as Spooky) had become obsessed with finding his way to the Gate and seeing the Truth for himself.
When Edward heard about this, he tracked the man down, explained in graphic detail what the Gate did to him, and smacked him upside the head with his right hand for being an idiot.
The next day, Mulder's partner sent Edward flowers.
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Okay, a couple of author's notes this time.
I know I'm gonna get questions about the guy who insulted Mustang, so here's the explanation. In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series (books only, so far as I know), there was a character named Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, who had somehow become immortal and literally had all of eternity to play around with. For lack of anything better to do, he decided to go through and insult every being that had ever existed, and that he would do so in alphabetical order.
Secondly, yes, State Alchemist Mulder is the obsessive FBI agent we all know, love, and occasionally lust after, from the X-Files. I couldn't resist.