I honestly have no idea where this one came from. This piece was supposed to be a meeting of the men who had lost (or nearly lost) their women to Captain Jack Harkness, and Mustang was supposed to be the one being ominous and scary, not Hughes.
I think he had more leftover hostility than I thought he did...
I certainly didn't plan on Captain Jack narrating, but he just sort of took over.
As always, FMA and the associated characters and situations are not mine. Neither is Captain Jack. *pouts*
Let me know what you think.
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Under normal circumstances, getting handcuffed and manhandled by an irate lieutenant colonel would be Captain Jack Harkness's idea of a fun afternoon. Especially if it were his idea.
This time, however, it wasn't, and the only reason he was here in the first place was that the Doctor's new assistant had wanted to literally revisit her childhood. She and the Doctor had gone to see the sights, and left him to his own devices, with the Doctor saying something about it being against his better judgment. At this point, though, they were probably hanging around and waiting for him, for a change.
"I was only saying hello," he protested as Lieutenant Colonel Hughes frog-marched him down the corridor of the army's headquarters.
"You made a pass at my wife," Hughes snarled. "You turned this base on its ear, and you put one of my men in the hospital. That is not just saying hello."
Oh, yes, the argument over the lovely Maria Ross. How could he have forgotten? She'd called him an idiot. "I was acting in self-defense," he said. "And what about the beating I got from that punk in the red coat? I didn't even do anything."
"Major Elric has been dealt with," Hughes said. "You, on the other hand, are a continuing pain in the ass."
Jack couldn't help himself. He really couldn't. "And you're going to discipline me?" He tried to twist around to look at his captor, but couldn't manage it without dislocating both shoulders. "Nice..."
Hughes stopped, and slammed him face first against the wall, then turned him around. "No," he said with a smile on his face that put Jack in mind of a man-eating shark. "You're going to talk to Colonel Mustang."
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Captain Jack Harkness is hereby ordered to stay one hundred feet from female personnel at all times.
It didn't help. He started flirting with the male soldiers instead.
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The cat is not a vital witness for the state in need of protective custody.
"..."
"But Brother - !"
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You are not allowed to shoot the homunculi. It only pisses them off.
a. You are, however, allowed to set them on fire.
Envy found Maria Ross on the weapons range while she was training with a new experimental flame-thrower. She burned him to a cinder before he could do more than shift to his customary form.
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Experimental weaponry has no place in the chain of command.
This, after someone wondered aloud if the new flamethrowers made the Flame Alchemist obsolete.
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You are not allowed to ask Lt. Hawkeye if she is a natural blonde.
Although she didn't take any direct action against him, Captain Morgenstern hid for a month after he asked her.
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Unless you are a plumbing contractor, you should have no reason to tamper with the plumbing.
The only clue that there was anything wrong was a howl from the men's shower followed by a stream of obscenities. Roy Mustang emerged wearing nothing but a towel, just in time to see Edward closing the door to the maintenance corridor.
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Do not attempt to blackmail Lt. Colonel Hughes.
His network of informants was extensive enough that if he personally didn't know where you buried the bodies, he knew someone who could find out.
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Always read the fine print.
When Vato Fallman accidentally sold himself – body and soul – to one of Madame Christmas's ladies, it took both him and Sciezka some fast talking and even faster footwork to keep her from cashing in.
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The "foul pie" maneuver is no longer permitted during food fights.
"Nothing below the belt, people," Havoc said. Breda replied by putting a cream pie down Havoc's shirt and rubbing it in.
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Proper restraints in a vehicle do not consist of tying a person to the hood.
a. Or the roof.
According to rumor, a few of Hughes' people had gotten overenthusiastic in their questioning of a suspect, and had broken half a dozen traffic laws in the process.
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Pyromaniac jokes have been banned from the base.
"You know they just get Mustang hot under the collar," Havoc said.
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You are not allowed to skinny dip in the fountain.
"The least Sgt. Breda could have done," Maria said afterward, "was keep his boxer shorts on…"
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Elysia Hughes is no longer allowed to sneak up on people.
Her father had taught her how to do this, and she was putting her skill to good use. However, after she overheard several conversations that were not kid-friendly, and had knocked several people dangerously off-balance, it was unanimously decided that action had to be taken.
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If the alchemists have nothing to do, they are to be found something to do.
As it turned out, a bored alchemist is a dangerous alchemist.
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When planning a rescue, always be certain that the people you intend to rescue actually need it.
The initial reports only said that Amestrian officers had been taken hostage. They had no idea that it had been Major Armstrong and Lt. Hawkeye. When the rescue party got there, the terrorists had already been hogtied and the hostages in question were having tea.
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Flame throwers have no business being used around birthday cakes.
"But he's ancient," Edward protested. "The candles will burn down completely before we get them all lighted."
"Colonel Mustang isn't that old, Edward," Hawkeye said.
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Kilts. No. Nay. Never again. Ever.
Hughes decided to try wearing one, and kept getting it flipped. Two hours later, he was back wearing his standard uniform.
"I'm sorry, honey," Gracia giggled. "I just couldn't resist."
"…I wish you had…"
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You are not allowed to make Alphonse Elric cry.
Even Archer had the good sense to obey this rule. A pissed-off Edward Elric coming to the defense of his little brother was something no one wanted to face.
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You are not allowed to use electronic surveillance devices unless you have just cause.
"But what's the point of having them if you can't use them?" Fuery complained when he heard this.
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No smoking in the infirmary.
Havoc had been so busy flirting with the new doctor that he'd forgotten that oxygen was explosive. She yelled at him for an hour after they put the fire out.
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To be continued...
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A/N: The foul pie comes from Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl, and the sketch where they demonstrate various techniques of humor. For the most part, Terry Jones and Terry Gilliam get the worst part of it.
A/N 2: Yes, I did have Hawaii 5-0 on last night while I was writing this. It seemed to fit.
A/N 3: I'll reveal who the new doctor is in the next segment with the bulletin board.