Gah.
It's been a three-month unintended hiatus featuring a landlady getting ready to go into foreclosure, an impending move, and a dead downstairs neighbor, but I'm back. At long last, I'm back.
So, as I said in my profile, updates are going to be sporadic at best for now. I've been kind of preoccupied with finding a new place to live, and packing all of my books.
I've also been collecting more rules and regulations, which you'll be seeing in the future.
One other bit of news while I'm thinking about it. At the end of April, this story was nominated for the FMA Goldworth Awards for Most Humorous story, and won. Thanks to all my readers, and to everyone who voted.
As always, FMA isn't mine, and reviews are always welcome.
I just hope I haven't lost my touch here.
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"Let's go, Al."
Alphonse Elric did not currently possess a body, but that didn't stop him from having a sinking feeling in the pit of where his stomach would have been at the look on his brother's face. One of the few good things about his armor was that he could hide it.
"How was your meeting with the Colonel?" he asked. "You were in there for an awfully long time."
Edward bared his teeth. Alphonse couldn't bring himself to call it a smile. "Same as always," he said. "Same insults, same jokes about my height…"
"Did you…do something, Brother?" Al asked, images of mass destruction dancing in his head.
"I found out Mustang has good taste in something, at least." He snickered unpleasantly. "Among other things…"
"Oh, Brother, what did you do?"
Edward grinned at him. "Nothing he'll notice for a while," he said. "Now, let's go before he – "
"FULLMETAL!" Colonel Mustang burst out of his office, holding what looked like an empty tin in his left hand, and wearing one of his ignition gloves on the right.
"Race you back to the dorms," Edward said, then sprinted out of the office, cackling all the way.
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You are not allowed to steal Colonel Mustang's stash.
As it turned out, Mustang had a stash of caramel candies in his desk drawer. Edward found them one day while he was waiting for Mustang to arrive so he could drop off his report, and ended up eating most of them.
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"Catch and release" does not apply to anything with less than four legs.
One of Edward's more aggressive fangirls had glomped him and was refusing to let him go, citing a study of the mating habits of State Alchemists she was conducting. A few well-chosen words and a carefully applied wrench from Winry Rockbell convinced her to cancel the experiment.
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Amestrian anti-slavery laws apply to new recruits.
a. Maes.
"Easy for you to say," Hughes grumbled. "You're not the one dealing with a crabgrass infestation."
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Unless you know for certain what a plant is, do not attempt to smoke it.
Havoc had apparently run out of cigarettes while on maneuvers, and tried making due with a plant with odd, five-pointed leaves. When Breda and Fuery dragged him back to the dorms, he was high as a kite and craving potato chips.
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If you can see the ninja, he is not a ninja.
This, after Elysia walked up to the man in black dangling from her uncle's ceiling and asked him what he was doing there.
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The following men are off-limits: Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes, Edward Elric, Vato Fallman.
After finding out just how many female admirers their men had, the ladies took matters into their own hands to defend their territory.
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You are not allowed to join the anti-establishment movement.
"We've already got more than enough people undercover in the movement," Hughes said to Roy. "Besides, it would interfere with our own plans if we had wild cards running around."
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You are not allowed to start an anti-anti-establishment movement.
"As amusing as that might be, it would also be counterproductive," Roy said.
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The Flame Alchemist is to be kept away from spicy food.
"It gives him heartburn like you wouldn't believe," Havoc said, just before his pencil caught fire.
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You are not allowed to neuter Captain Jack Harkness.
a. Even if he does deserve it.
When it came to stealing girlfriends, Jack Harkness made Roy Mustang look like a rank amateur.
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Do not lose bets with the alchemists.
After Armstrong won a bet with Frank Archer regarding the apparent nature of Roy Mustang's relationship with Riza Hawkeye, Archer was forced to listen to a full recounting of Armstrong's family history and traditions.
According to the grapevine, Archer put in for a transfer to Aquroyo in hopes that the city would sink while he was there and put him out of his misery.
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Do not win bets with the alchemists.
Alphonse Elric, it turned out, was a sore loser.
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Whoever put the rubber tarantulas in Colonel Mustang's desk, start running.
It was a very little known fact that Roy Mustang was terrified of spiders. The utter chaos sparked by his panic attack upon finding his desk drawer apparently full of the creatures sent Hawkeye into full-blown bodyguard mode, and sent Edward Elric into hiding for a week.
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Our motto is not "Be nice or we'll kill you."
a. That's Hawkeye's motto.
Nobody was willing to admit to this one, even though Hawkeye did think it was funny.
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You are not allowed to steal Lt. Colonel Hughes's coffee.
"The man carries knives, and he is not a morning person," Maria Ross said. "Do I really need to say more?"
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A camera flash is not a revenge tool.
Roy spent two hours walking into furniture after Hughes got him.
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The roller skates stay outside.
By the time it was over, half of Mustang's staff, including the colonel himself, and most of the Investigations office, including Lt. Colonel Hughes, ended up in a bruised and battered heap at the end of the corridor.
"I was doing fine," Hawkeye moaned as Fuery helped her to her feet, "right up until I had to turn that corner…"
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Do not mock the alchemists."What did you do to him?" Maes asked, prodding gently with his boot at the twitching wreckage that had once been Captain Marx.
The identical evil smiles on Roy Mustang and Edward Elric's faces gave him nightmares for a week.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist is not to be taught how to handle a flamethrower.
Rumor had it he was gunning for Mustang's title.
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A triple-dog-dare does not override a direct order.
"With all due respect, sir, you don't understand," Sgt. Fuery said. "A triple-dog-dare is a matter of honor. Insubordination doesn't even factor into it."
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