Gah.
First of all, I want to apologize for being so very far behind on my updates. The events of RL have been massively overtaking me, plus I've been working on an original project.
To say nothing of this opening segment being a bitch and a half to write. I think I wrote and re-wrote it at least five times from several different points of view before I finally came up with something I was even halfway happy with. And even now, I have my reservations.
As always, Fullmetal Alchemist and the associated characters and situations are not mine,
Again, I apologize for this being so very late. I hope you enjoy this, and as always, any reviews you might submit will be much appreciated.
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It was a little-known fact that Roy Mustang loathed hospitals. His associations with the places ranged from painful to traumatic, though he half-hoped that the new physician on staff - one Dr. Fraiser - could change his mind if he gave her a chance.
He had gotten word that his best friend was getting stitched up in the emergency room, and had arrived a few hours ago, only to get stuck with looking after Elysia while Gracia grilled the doctors and nurses on what happened to land Maes there.
"Uncle Roy," Elysia said, "do army people get in trouble for fighting?"
Ah, so it had been a fight. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Maes about whatever case had most recently been giving him fits, but he'd heard something about him taking on a fellow knife nut and losing. "That depends on why they were fighting," he said. "Why?"
Elysia scooted closer to him. "Mama said Daddy was fighting with knives," she said solemnly. "Is he gonna get yelled at?"
Knowing your mother, yes, Roy almost said.
#
Professionals are predictable. Amateurs are dangerous.
This, after Lt. Colonel Hughes ended up in a brawl with a wanna-be knife thrower who had been trying to copy his technique. Both he and his uniform suffered for it.
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In the war between the sexes, baby pictures are now officially a banned weapon.
During Fuery's convalescence, Mrs. Armstrong had come to visit him and had brought a scrapbook of photos of Olivia from when she was little. There was nothing too terribly scandalous in it, but when Olivia found out, she was heard to be giving her mother an earful about it.
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You are not allowed to call in dead.
The lengths to which Edward would go to avoid turning in his reports was starting to get silly.
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Electrical equipment cannot swim.
Hughes had been experimenting with surveillance devices that could survive in water. So far, it hadn't worked.
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I don't give a damn where or how bad your rash is, clothing is not optional.
Breda had used the wrong leaf during a mid-maneuvers pit stop. Dr. Fraiser treated his injuries, and quickly learned that he was planning to forego wearing pants during his recovery.
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Stopwatches have their uses. That is not one of them.
The last time anyone saw Hawkeye blushing like that was right after the Kilt Incident.
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The Fullmetal Alchemist's younger brother is neither a grill nor an oven.
In Maria's defense, Alphonse was a willing participant, and the cookies were the best she'd ever baked.
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State Alchemists are no longer to be referred to homunculus fodder.
a. Even if they are.
"It makes it entirely too obvious," Pride said. "Isn't that right, my dear?"
"As you say, sir," Sloth replied.
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Pornography is not to be produced as training films on how to get venereal disease.
"Well, it was worth a try…"
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You do not have the ability to see the future.
"Like Colonel Bastard would ever do anything to get busted all the way down to Corporal," Edward scoffed after a long, weird conversation with Lt. MacLeod.
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If the legitimate results of an experiment do not require an explosion, you do not need to cause one.
"But that's half the fun of it," Alphonse protested.
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What happens on a day off is not to be mentioned at work.
"Really?" Maes said to Roy when he saw the new rule. "I thought it was strange that I saw you and Ed getting along so well yesterday."
If he hadn't moved as fast as he did, Roy would have incinerated him.
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There is no height requirement for vacation time.
"You know, Roy, that was a shocking abuse of power," Maes said.
"Why, thank you, Maes."
"That wasn't a compliment."
"Oh."
#
You are not allowed to make the homunculi cry.
a. It's just tacky.
"Well, how was I supposed to know he was so touchy?" Ed demanded as Lust went to console her sidekick.
If he'd been a hair slower, she would have killed him.
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Do not annoy the driver.
After spending half an hour listening to Breda and Havoc sitting in the back seat and speculating about her and Colonel Mustang's relationship, Hawkeye put them out of the car and made them walk the ten miles back to base.
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Madame Christmas is to be left alone.
Jack Harkness supposedly fainted when she made a pass at him.
"That must have been some pass," Maes said once he stopped laughing.
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If there is a monster in the office, let it have the office.
"But it had my doll!" Elysia wailed as her uncle posted the new rule.
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You are not allowed to write tell-all books.
Lieutenant Hawkeye was reportedly keeping detailed notes for a book she was planning to have published and released for wide distribution after Mustang became Fuehrer.
"I'm publishing it as fiction, sir," she said when Mustang asked about it. "I doubt anyone would believe it otherwise."
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Unless your duties or the situation require it, you are not allowed to wear hazardous environment gear.
"I couldn't find my desk, Lieutenant," Mustang said after he removed his gas mask. "The cigarette smoke – " He directed a very pointed stare in Havoc's direction. " – was that thick."
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Unless you can prove you possess a working knowledge of the distilling of alcohol, abandon the still and let someone who knows what they're doing take over.
The rumors about the still in the empty laboratory on the fifth floor were thought to be just that until the thing blew up. What remained was a pile of twisted metal, broken glass, and a liquid with the explosive properties of lighter fluid.
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A/N: I've already written the story of Elysia and the monster that had her doll. As soon as I edit it, I'll post it. The one about the days off was inspired by a drawing by cat_cat at Deviantart. I haven't written anything around that yet, but give me time.