"I wonder what's taking Batsy so long," sighed Joker, flipping the knife in his hand. "You think he didn't believe my threat? Maybe he thought it was a joke. That doesn't seem like him, though – he knows I'm always serious about hurting people. Gee, maybe he really is depressed. Too depressed to care about anything or anyone, even you, eh, Birdie? Can't say I blame him – I don't really understand why he keeps you around. Maybe I oughta do him a favor and get rid of you for him. It's the least I can do for my bestest buddy, and I'm sure he'd do the same for me if he was ever a murdering psychopath and holding Harley prisoner."
"That's a scary thought, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. "Bats completely cracked and holding me hostage. Sounds like the setup for a horror film. Or maybe…y'know…an erotic film, if my big, bad, strong puddin' comes to rescue me and kills the Bat and then leaves me tied up while he has his wicked way with me as a reward…"
"Not now, Harley," snapped Joker, shoving her off him. "We've got Birdie here, and what if Batsy suddenly shows up? It'll be incredibly awkward."
"Thanks, Joker," said Robin, nodding gratefully. "There are some things I just don't ever want to see."
"Thought you wanted to torture him, puddin'," breathed Harley. "And he's just said it would really make him uncomfortable, probably at least as uncomfortable as ripping off his fingernails. C'mon, puddin', please?"
"Well, if I had to choose between the two, obviously I'd prefer watching you two," replied Robin, shrugging. "I mean, I can always close my eyes."
"No, no, he'd definitely prefer getting his fingernails ripped off," said Harley, hastily. "It'd torture him more to watch us. And you can't shut your ears, Birdie Boy, and I'm a really vocal gal. So c'mon, Mr. J, let's make him suffer."
"Yeah, you're probably right," agreed Robin. "I guess fingernails being ripped off really is the lesser of two evils. I guess you'd better get to it."
Harley glared at him. "Don't try that reverse psychology crap with me, pal, I used to be a shrink!" she snapped. "No one wants their fingernails ripped off! That would torture you more than anything else, so Mr. J is gonna…" She paused, her brow furrowing in confusion. "No wait, you're right, it would be more horrible of us to have playtime in front of you, so we should…or…wait…"
"There, there, pumpkin, stop thinking before you hurt yourself," said Joker, patting her head. "How about we compromise? I torture him for a bit to get me in the mood, and then we have playtime and torture him some more. Sounds like a good night, huh, pooh bear?"
"Oooh, yeah, Mr. J!" she giggled. "Sounds like a great night! You know just how to get your Harley girl revving!"
"Now I can't damage you too much before Bats gets here," chuckled Joker, flicking open the switchblade knife. "I want you to still be able to scream when he arrives, so I'll stay away from the face and start with slicing the non-essential nerves. I mean, who really needs feeling in their hands? You may notice a slight unpleasant sensation, followed by an awful lotta pain, but the good news is you'll never feel anything there again! So smile, Birdie Boy! This ain't gonna hurt for much longer!"
He laughed hysterically as he brought the blade toward Robin. "See, Harley, the key to really good torture is like the key to really good sex – don't rush things. Take your time, savor, and enjoy it. Start off slow with a little teasing foreplay. Too much too soon and you cut short the fun," he giggled, slicing little cuts up Robin's arm.
"Uh huh, Mr. J," she breathed, sliding her arms around his neck and rubbing herself against him as she licked his cheek. He held the knife against Robin's wrist and was about to slice, when he suddenly looked up, puzzled.
"Puddin'? What's wrong?" asked Harley.
"Well…Batsy should be here by now," he murmured. "He should have knocked into me and made me drop the knife. He can't let me actually torture the kid – that's not like Bats at all."
He waited a moment more and then shrugged, pressing the blade into Robin's wrist. He drew blood and Robin hissed in pain. "Where is he?!" shouted Joker suddenly, ripping the knife away and looking around angrily. "Why isn't he stopping me?! I've hurt him, and I'll do worse, if he doesn't show up! Why isn't he showing up? What's happened to him?" he demanded, seizing Robin by the hair.
"I told you, he's not Batman anymore," growled Robin.
"But he's gotta be!" shouted Joker. "Or you're gonna die, you little brat! He can't let you die! He's Batman! He don't let people die!"
He held the blade to Robin's throat. "You're lying to me, ain't ya, kid?" he hissed. "Something's happened to Bats, that's why you were patrolling the city without him! He's hurt or something, ain't he? Aw, Jesus, don't tell me he tried something crazy because he was depressed, and now he's in some hospital somewhere?"
"No…he's just…not here," retorted Robin.
"Look, maybe you don't get it, because your Bird-brain is too small to process it, but lemme explain to you how these things work," hissed Joker. "I do something bad, and Bats shows up to stop me. That's how it goes. That's how it's always gone. And now you're telling me that Bats has just decided to…give up? To stop playing the game? Well, he can't do that – I ain't gonna let him. I am gonna torture you, kid, and really horribly too, just to teach him a lesson about being a quitter. Nothing personal, really, although if I'm honest, I think Bats can do so much better in terms of sidekicks. Harley, maybe you can apply once Birdie's dead."
Harley made a face. "No thanks, Mr. J. I wouldn't touch that if somebody paid me, which I imagine he don't. It'd be incredibly dangerous, for one. Imagine being a sidekick to a guy literally everyone wants to kill – the freaks and the crazies would be out for your blood same as his. And it would be really dull, the same routine night after night, stop the bad guys, save the innocent people, yawn, boring. At least you're always spontaneous and unpredictable, Mr. J. And to be honest, Bats is so glum and brooding that I think I'd just have to shake him every once in a while and shout at him to cheer the hell up. Nope, couldn't deal with that headache. And anyway, Bats as my boss could never give me job satisfaction the way you do, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him. "I love my Mr. J too much to ever wanna be underneath another guy," she giggled.
Joker laughed. "Nice gag, toots," he murmured, pinching her cheek. "Well, maybe once you're dead, Boy Blunder, Bats can find himself a nice hot dame to help him get over Kitty, and make her his sidekick. That would make a lot more sense than dragging some kid over the rooftops night after night. All in all, I think it's probably for the best that you don't survive this," he chuckled, bringing the blade up to his face. "So bye bye, Birdie!"
A black shape suddenly flew into Joker, slamming him against the wall.
"Batsy!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I knew you wouldn't let me torture the kid to death, I just knew it!"
Batman punched Joker mercilessly in response, releasing all his fury on him. "Don't…this…make…you…feel…lots…better…Bats?" gasped Joker, laughing through the pain.
"Leave him alone, B-man!" shrieked Harley, leaping at him. He grabbed her leg in mid-air and sent her hurling into the wall, and then turned back to Joker.
"Go ahead, Bats, beat the crap outta me if it'll make you feel better!" he chuckled, bleeding heavily. "Always happy to help out a friend in need!"
Batman seized him by the collar and lifted him up. "Why are you doing this?!" he demanded.
"Trying to cheer you up!" Joker chuckled. "Put a smile on that grim face of yours! See, I'm not like the catty bitch, Bats - I'm showing you that you don't need to be depressed or miserable because I won't ever leave you! I'll always be here for you, buddy, through thick and thin, and you won't ever be alone! Don't that make you happy?"
"Of course it doesn't!" growled Batman. "I don't want to fight you anymore!"
Joker stared at him. "I'm hurt, Batsy, I don't mind telling you," he murmured. "After all we've been through, after all we've shared, and you wanna end it? Well, that's tough, Bats. I ain't the kinda guy who takes getting dumped very well, and I'll make everyone close to you suffer for it. You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you, Bats? Besides, if you don't fight me, I win. You can't let me win, can you, Bats? It's just not in your nature."
"I know what you're doing," hissed Batman. "You're trying to drive me crazy, but it's not going to work! I don't want to fight you anymore, but you're right, I won't let you win! Not ever!"
Joker giggled again. "But Batsy, think about it," he chuckled. "I have won! You won't ever be able to stop me, unless you really go crazy and kill me! And then I'd still win, see? There's nothing you can do to beat me! Absolutely nothing!"
"Batman, look out…" began Robin.
But Harley had slammed her hammer into his skull, making Batman drop Joker and reel backward. Harley hit him again, knocking him to the ground. Joker laughed hysterically, patting Harley on the head and approaching Batman.
"So tell me, Bats," he murmured, standing over him and grinning. "How does it feel to lose? Your gal, your war, your mind? How does it feel to lose everything?"
"He hasn't lost," growled a voice. And suddenly a whip wrapped around Joker's waist, dragging him back. "Well, he hasn't lost one of those things anyway," said Catwoman, stepping into the room and smiling.
"Selina…you came back," murmured Batman, struggling to his feet.
"You gave up rich boy for Bats?" exclaimed Harley, staring at Catwoman in astonishment. "Are you crazy?!"
"If I were the pot, I wouldn't talk to this particular kettle," retorted Catwoman.
Harley glared at her and shrugged. "I guess it is kinda romantic when you think about it, huh, Mr. J?" she sighed. "Choosing the man she really loves over wealth and fame?"
"Yeah, pooh, nothing nicer than seeing two loving hearts reunited," said Joker, grinning. "I just love happy endings. Well, I can see my work here is done, so we'd better be on our way, pumpkin pie. See ya around, folks!"
He strode from the room, whistling, as Harley followed after him. Batman suddenly seized him and slammed his face into the wall. "Worth a try!" Joker chuckled, before Batman punched him again, knocking him unconscious.
"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, throwing herself on his body. "Aw, my poor, sweet, innocent puddin', what have you ever done to deserve that? Don't touch me, you catty bitch!" she snapped as Catwoman dragged her to her feet. "Hurting Batsy like that by going off with some rich hunk – you oughta be ashamed of yourself!"
Batman went over to untie Robin. "Are you all right?" he asked.
Robin nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for coming back."
"There wasn't a choice," muttered Batman. "Can you take Quinn to the car?"
He nodded again. "C'mon, Zippy, let's go," he muttered, grabbing her arm.
"Hey, you wanna handle Mr. J's merchandise with a little more care or it won't be funny, get me, Birdie Boy?" snapped Harley as he dragged her out of the room, leaving Catwoman and Batman alone with the unconscious Joker.
"You didn't have to come back," murmured Batman.
"I know. I wanted to, though," she said, quietly.
"So what does that mean?" he asked.
She smiled. "It means I love Batman," she murmured. "As well as Bruce Wayne. What a dilemma for a gal."
"Dilemma? Why?" asked Batman.
"Because I can't have both of you," whispered Catwoman, sadly. "I don't really think I can have either of you. I mean, now that I've proved my love to Batman, I can't be with Bruce Wayne again, or Joker will figure out they're the same person. He's bound to eventually if we keep our relationship up. It's too dangerous for both of us to continue on with it. And he won't ever give up," she murmured, glaring down at Joker's body in hatred. "And you won't ever kill him. So I'm sorry, Bruce, but we can't be together."
Batman didn't respond. "I mean, you know that, right?" asked Catwoman, gently. "Deep down inside, you can't really be committed to anyone else besides Batman. And let's face it, no girl wants to be second to a guy in a flying rodent costume. Well, except Harley, I guess, but she's crazy," she said, smiling.
Batman didn't smile. "Why are we letting our fear of him ruin our lives?" he muttered, looking down at Joker.
"It's not just him," murmured Catwoman. "You have a lotta enemies, Bruce. If they knew your secret, it wouldn't just be dangerous for you, but for everyone you care about. Alfred, Dick, and…me. Could you live with yourself putting them in danger?"
Batman slowly shook his head. "No," he murmured. "No, a hero could never do that."
"And that's who you are, Bruce," murmured Catwoman. "My hero. I'm sorry you can't be anything else."
She drew close and kissed him gently. "But I'll always love my hero," she murmured, touching his face tenderly.
Batman shut his eyes and kissed her again. Then she drew away and went to the window, leaping out without another word.
He stared after her for a few minutes, then turned his attention back to Joker's body. He lifted it up and carried it downstairs to the Batmobile, where Robin was waiting in the front seat with Harley secured in the backseat.
"Give him to me!" cried Harley, holding out her hands desperately. Batman obeyed her, lying the body in the backseat as Harley pulled his head into her lap and began stroking back his hair. "Oh, puddin'," she breathed, kissing his forehead. "Oh, puddin', I love you so much."
Batman watched the tender display for a moment, then went to the driver's seat. He started the engine and they drove in silence.
"Quinn," he murmured at last.
"What?" snapped Harley.
"He puts you in constant danger," said Batman. "By being in a relationship with him you're always at risk, from me, from other criminals, from the police…so why do you do it?"
Harley snorted. "Dumb question, Bats. Because I love him. Duh."
"But he's a selfish monster," retorted Batman. "If he really loved you, he wouldn't do that to you. He wouldn't make you suffer. He'd let you go. So why do you stay with him?"
Harley shrugged. "I love him," she repeated. "I don't think I can make it any plainer than that. If you love someone, really love someone, they're worth all that, the danger and the suffering and everything else. I mean, it's either that or live without them. And you'd have to be crazy to do that. I ain't crazy, Bats."
"Well, you are on your way to an asylum," reminded Robin.
Harley shrugged again. "They're the crazy ones, not us," she retorted. "The doctors, the guards, the people who just don't understand. People like you, Bats. Puddin' and me, we're happy. And that's more than can be said for the rest of you losers."
She kissed Joker again tenderly. "I love you, my angel," she whispered.
Robin sighed, twirling a finger around his temple and smiling at Batman. Batman didn't smile. He wasn't in the habit of smiling, and he certainly didn't feel like doing it now.
For one brief moment, as he dropped Joker and Harley off at the asylum, he wondered if he shouldn't be in there too. If he really was crazy, to give up a wonderful woman like Selina to fight insane criminals and uphold justice in Gotham. But in his heart he knew he couldn't do anything else.
"Where to now, Bruce?" asked Robin as they climbed back into the Batmobile.
"The Batcave," murmured Batman, starting up the engine. "Alfred will be expecting us."
He suddenly looked up and noticed the Bat-signal cutting through the night sky, shining brightly against the clouds.
"Change of plans," he muttered, turning the car around.
"Bruce, you know you don't have to…" began Robin.
"I do," he interrupted. "I do," he repeated, quietly. "I have to go where I'm needed. That's what a hero does. And I'm Batman, Gotham's hero. I can't be anything else."
Robin nodded slowly. "Well, for what it's worth," he said at last. "Gotham's really lucky to have you."
Batman didn't respond. He kept his eyes fixed on the road and on the signal, trying to block out everything else but Batman. That was who he was. That was who he always had to be. There was no other choice.
The End