A/N; Yes I'm on holiday and yes I'm writing again. But here's chapter ten.

Disclaimer; I don't own Austin&Ally

Chapter 10 – Tears for a Butterfly {2 days old}

-{Austin}-

I have officially been a father for two days now. It feels like I have been a father for years and for only minutes at the same time. I'm so happy and so depressed. I haven't been home since we rushed Ally to hospital I think it was 3 days ago could have been 3 years ago it would feel the same I have barely slept, and it shows. I have big black bags under my dried out eyes, my hair is scruffy I look like I have aged ten years.

Ally sleeps a lot between visits of family and friends. She's still recovering the birth took a lot out of her more than just a baby, they took a piece of her sole. She's still beautiful even with her pale worn out face, some of the brightness has been scrubbed from her eyes, and her hair looked limp and lifeless. It will take a lot to make her not beautiful because she's still stunning.

Ally is asleep. I sit at her side holding her hand she can't sleep without me. I try to sleep too, I pretend to sleep but I can't. Visions of Melody alone tiny, innocent, and without a father to protect her in her massive incubator invaded my mind prevented sleep. She's a little angel terrified in a huge unfamiliar environment so different to her cosy small home she's used too.

I gently pull my hand from Ally's. I cringe as she stirs a little, I don't want to wake her. I pulled myself as quickly and quietly as possible. I looked back at Ally as I left the room. Ally looked so small in a big white hospital bed a drip attached to her arm. Her body made big movements with every breath. Colourful balloons, cards and teddy bears surrounded her tiny frame taking control of the room. I closed the door behind me as I entered the hallway.

I walked down the hallway a whiff of chemical cleaning products overpowered my senses. I knew the walk from Ally's room to the NCIU like the back of my hand I could walk there with my eyes closed, I effortlessly float down the corridor. I try not to be jealous as a young couple hug and laugh carrying their newborn baby in a car seat taking their baby home from the nursery. I try to fight it but I become the green eyed monster.

I walked into an arena of hope, glory and anguish. A room of babies resembling skinned rabbits, squealing and wriggling in their humidicribs. Parents stand outside with their faces pressed up against the glass, all of them look like they are about to burst into tears craving the touch of their child. I know how they feel. I walk up to my little Melody. Midwives move between the babies, they are living angels keeping babies alive.

I look at my little girl. She sleeps so soundly her little chest rising in each breath. She's so tiny, so beautiful, and so innocent. She's like a butterfly trapped under a glass bowl, begging to be let free. My heart aches when I look at her little body attached to a breathing tube. I want to hold her close, let her know she's safe, and tell her I'm always going to there for her, I'm never going to let her suffer, I'm going to let no one break her heart.

I put my arms through the arm holes in the incubator and stroke her little head, I don't touch her to much, and I don't want to wake her. Every time I touch her soft skin, I don't want to let go. I want to pull her out of the crib and take her home, steal her away and take her to Ally. But I can't. I wish I could make things better, I hate seeing her like this. I hate seeing Ally in hospital drained of life. I hate that we can't hold Melody for hours on end, I hate that Ally's arms are babyless, empty for 23 hours and 45 minutes a day. I hate that I can't do anything, I should be able to, and I'm the dad, the protector, the fixer, the one that makes everything ok. In this place I am helpless. My role is passed on to doctors. It's not like I don't appreciate everything they do but I wish I could do something, like I'm supposed to.

I pull a tiny necklace from my pocket I brought it this morning. I clasp it around the neck of Melody's little brown teddy bear. It's a tiny tremble clef a smaller version than her mommies, it has a butterfly behind it on a thin gold chain, and Melody will wear it when she gets older. Ally will be so happy when she sees the necklace when she was pregnant she always referred to Melody as her fluttering butterfly.

I smile when I notice Melody has gotten slightly bigger than her teddy bear. She's getting bigger and stronger each day. She's still so tiny and pink though. A pang of guilt shoots through my heart, I'm here, without Ally. I know Ally won't mind, but I know how much she wants to be here.

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn and see my mom. I pull my hands from the incubator and my mom holds be close.

"It's ok Austin, very thing is going to be fine, stay strong" My mom whispers in my ear.

"I know" I nodded. It may be cheesy but a hug from my mom is just what I needed my strength was rebuilt.

"You need to go home, little prince, get some sleep" My mom stroked hair from my face, concern evident in her eyes.

"I can't. I can't leave them, no way, I won't go home until Ally goes home" I insisted refusing to leave.

"Sure sure, I understand, you care so much for your girls, but Austin, please take care of yourself"

"I will, I'm just not number one anymore" I told her. We both turned our attention to Melody both admiring her beauty.

-{Ally}-

Visits take all my energy. I love seeing my family and friends, and they love seeing me and Melody but when they leave exhaustion takes hold and sleep allures me temping me into a world of peace. I rest my head on my pillow my eyes snap shut. Austin stays by my side, what would I do without him? I grip his hand he rubs his thumb over the back of my hand. I breathe deeply letting sleep take me away into a whirlwind world of dreams.

A half hour passed sleep taunts me I want to get on the train to dreamland but something prevents me from doing so I can't even manage to step up to the platform. Austin's hand releases from my hand my heart sinks a little I turn and try to make him think I'm asleep. Austin moves quietly but I can still hear him I can hear him slowly leave the room. He's probably going to see Melody.

I give up on sleep. I feel for my necklace it feels so good to have it back in pride of place, I was lost without it. My heart goes out to Austin. I want to talk to him alone for hours on end like we used to but I have no energy to even say I love you. He's aged since our daughter was born I don't think he's had much sleep, he's so worn out. Dez told me he's cried himself dry with worry, he told me Austin feel's useless. He's not. I could not have gone through everything I have in these last 48 hours without Austin at my side. He's my escape. I wish I could tell him but whenever we are alone together the life has been sucked out of me from the visitors and I feel defeated and sleep draws me in faster than I can deny it.

I fight tears of guilt thinking of my tiny baby that rests in an incubator. I have failed her. She should be inside me growing steadily in a familiar environment. She shouldn't have to have a series of faceless nurses' fuss over her and keep her breathing, have people check her heart beat she shouldn't have to face threats of preterm disorders. She should have been born naturally in a way that wouldn't be torn from the womb shocked into the big bad world. Silent tears dripped slowly down my pale face. I've failed her. I should have given her those 9 full months.

The trauma of birth haunts me. The emptiness I felt at that first moment Melody was torn from me has remained. My fluttering butterfly was replaced by a red scar forming on my abdomen. I traced the soon to be scar feeling the stitches holding my skin together. I miss my baby she needs to be in my arms, those fifteen minutes Austin and I share isn't long enough. When she's not with me part of me is missing.

Colourful cards, balloons, presents and teddy bears of hope and good words fill the room. They tempt to curl my mouth to a smile, but a flash of Melody alone in the NCIU prevents me from being happy. I breathe heavily pushing away the guilty thoughts. But they persist and my heart races. Why couldn't I have been there at the first few moments of Melody's life? Not laying out completely knocked out on the operating table. Why couldn't I have cradled her in my arms? Not have her rushed away.

I closed my eyes my hand wrapped around my necklace. Sleep allowed me onto the train. I escaped guilt for a few hours.

A/N; Taa Daa a bit of an insight to Austin and Ally's internal thoughts

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Merry Chirstmas