A/N; Soooo sorry it's been sooooo long! Sorry!
I don't own Austin and Ally
Chapter 15- It Feels Good To Be Back
-{Ally}-
"How are you feeling?" the therapist asks behind her little glasses resting on her nose short orange hair tucked behind her ears, a note pad rests on her lap legs carefully twisted and wrinkles framing her cornflower eyes dripping in wisdom.
I sit in silence my legs tightly pressed together a yellow skirt draped over my knees. I fidget my fingers twisting, squeezing intertwining not staying still. I contemplate the simple question. I bite my lip staring directly at the clean white wall behind the therapist. I can't focus my mind turns to Melody and her beautiful big blue eyes and Austin's bright blonde hair. But there's no emotion behind it, I just think of them.
"I feel nothing" I tell the therapist as she scribbles on the notepad not making eye contact. A week ago I would have cried, I would have screamed or slept but I feel nothing it's like that last cry in Austin's arms stole the very last of my emotion.
"Nothing?" The doctor nods stealing my eye contact her red hair flowing behind her. I nod back thumping my head on the back of the couch.
"Nothing."
"What do you think of when you think of your daughter?" she asks me in that cliché therapist soothing calm voices from behind her notepad the pen not leaving her page.
I think of her in her crib. I swallow not letting her know the truth.
/
"Do you think we should move on to infant nappies? She is four months old" Austin asked his hand in mine in the grocery store but it wouldn't make a difference if he wasn't, I don't feel the warmth of the blood rushing through his fingers a layer of ice under my skin blocking my sense of touch and all emotion.
My other hand is clasped around the handle of the trolley* Melody sleeps in the baby seat of the trolley Nana Harpers pink blanket wrapped around her, a black seatbelt holding her in place as a pacifier suckles in her mouth.
"Probably, she is very small, but yeah she's big enough" I replied glancing at the shelf of endless pink and blues packages with smiling babies plastered on them, then at Melody. Melody is so small for her age her prematurity has captured her innocence. She doesn't look four months old she looks two months old when she should look three months but she is big enough to be promoted to infant. Not long ago seeing her vulnerability would have sent me to tears but not guilt doesn't even penetrate my skin, let alone heart. Austin drops my hand picks up a huge pink box of infant diapers with winnie the pooh on the side and puts it in the trolley.
I smile at Austin as catches my glance before pondering baby shampoo. I stare at the floor. I don't make many decisions for Melody, it's not Austin he doesn't take control he always asks my opinion but I never have one. Austin puts down the Johnsons no more tears shampoo and walks off. He walks and doesn't stop he walks out of the supermarket the automatic doors shutting behind him. I stand behind the trolley shouting his name asking him where he's going. Melody stirs screaming in the baby seat. Panic manages to break though the ice and fill my cold emotionless veins. Melody's cries echo in my brain, I fumble over the clasp pulling her from the seat.
"Austin!" I call but he's long gone. Is he coming back? What if he doesn't? How will I pay for this stuff? What shampoo do I get? Where will I go? I can't do this. What shampoo do I get?
Melody's screeching cries creates a stir I feel eyes fixated on me as I franticly shake the crying baby. Tears pour from my eyes, screeching like the tiny baby in my arms. My eyes are blurred but I can still see all the eyes on me the frantic girl with the baby she can't console. Melody loves Austin. She doesn't love me.
Melody slips from my grasp. My tears dry up. Melody falls in slow motion from my arms to the cold hard floor. My arms move magnetically to my sides. Melody's cries are silenced as her body impacts to the white floor. Tears burst from my eyes. I crawl into a ball pushing the trolley away I grab Nana Harper and bury my heartbroken face in the pink blanket my back leaning on the nappy aisle trembling in hysterics as a crowd of people fuss over the baby but her sole has left just a lifeless body tiny body. There are so many people but the one person I want to see is nowhere to be found.
"Ally. Ally?" I stared at the floor. "Ally?" I shake my head and look up at Austin. "Are you ok?" Austin asked me concern in his big round hazel eyes, two bottles of baby shampoo in his hands. Melody is sleeping in the trolley's baby seat wrapped in the pink blanket her pacifier moving in and out. I grab hold of the carts handle stretching and pulling my hair out of my face.
I sigh deeply pushing away horrific thoughts, trying to forget the vision. "I'm scared" I whisper "That's what I'm feeling"
"What was that?" Austin asked still holding the shampoo in his large palms.
"Nothing, tell me about the shampoos" I told him a wave of confidence somehow made it to my brain. The ice is melted with my realisation.
"Sure" Austin's lips curved into a smile, I think this is the first time I have shown interest in what we get our daughter. "This one is no more tears and strawberry scented in a bigger bottle, this one is a bit more expensive and smaller but it will help her sleep and is made for babies her age" Austin explained. I never noticed just how concerned he is for our daughter it's a turn on, there aren't many teen dads that have so much input in their child's life. He has had to become a solo dad because I am so absent. This has to change, because he will leave and I have no idea how to do this. My heart raced with panic.
"The sleep one, she hasn't been sleeping well lately." I told him and he chucked it in the trolley grinning at me.
Austin pulls me in from the side forcing me to release my hand from the trolley handle. I feel the blood rush through his veins, I feel his heart beat, the smoothness of his arms and the hardness of his muscles. My body relaxes in his, my heart rate slows. For the first time in weeks I feel his touch, I feel his love and I feel safe. "Thank you for getting involved" Austin kisses my forehead not caring in the slightest that we are in the supermarket next to the diapers and tampons. Guilt pangs my heart for not being involved, for leaving Austin alone.
"I'm sorry" I whisper.
"It's not your fault" He replied.
-{Austin}-
"Honey I'm home!" I announced ironically in a cheesing sing song tone entering the front door.
Ally laughs making her eyes shine bright above her pink rosy cheeks showing off her pearly white teeth. Eight month old Melody giggles when ever her mommy laughs scrunching up her little pink face her bright blue eyes connecting with hers. It makes my heart warm to see something so beautiful and hear to laughs that makes the most beautiful duet.
"Hey Austin" Ally manages between giggles "you're a loser" Ally stepped to her feet my giggling baby in her arms.
I kissed Melody on her forehead and scuffed her patch of bright blonde hair she stretches her little chubby arms out to me and I pulled her into my arms kissing Ally on the lips.
"How was work?" Ally asked connecting our eyes showing her love. It's weird to think that only a few months ago this beautiful girl and mother were absent and emotionless, her sole dying with no one knowing. Now she's not afraid to be angry or happy, she's not afraid to look after Melody on her own, she still cries but not over putting her shoes on the wrong foot. Ally's Ally again and nothing could be better.
"Highlight was seeing you at lunch" I grinned kissing her again on the lips. Melody stirs in my arms babbling in her own language.
"How was your day? Did therapy go well?" I asked. Surprisingly Ally laughed as we moved to the lounge I shot her a confused look Melody clung to my orange and white striped shirt.
"Look at us" Ally laughed her face pink from laughter "We're so grownup!" She grinned "We sound married asking about each other's day" Ally plonked herself down on the couch sinking into the soft purple cushion.
"Yeah I guess we are" I laughed sitting next to her "We're grown up, we have to be" I glanced at Melody sitting happily on my lap. "We're not married. But we could be" I quickly bit my lip I've been thinking about marrying Ally for a long time but I never thought I would bring it up. I nervously shifted in my seat.
"Austin." Ally rested her hand on my shoulder "We're 17, I want to go back to school" I awkwardly shifted in my seat not expecting a rejection I lifted Melody bouncing her on my lap trying to escape the awkwardness.
"I'm not saying I don't want to marry you. I do. But not now." Ally reasoned, I smiled happy to know that my fantasy may one day come true. It feels weird to be a teenage boy and think of marriage and not sleeping around but being a father has definitely aged me at least ten years and I'm happy with that.
I smiled at her looking in to her beautiful brown chocolatly eyes her long dark hair framing her face perfectly. "So how was your day?"
"My meds are cut down to half!" Ally exclaimed happily taking Melody into her arms. "Dr. Andrews says I'm doing really well and recovering from depression in record time, in a month or two I'm not going to need any meds at all but will need to continue therapy for at least one more year, but I'm doing extremely well!" smiling happily.
"Wow I'm so happy for you!" I hugged her from the side kissing her temple.
"Today was defiantly a great day! I spent the day with Trish and Dez at the mall and they fussed like crazy over Melody as usual but I did draw the line when Dez made Melody a pair of bacon pants" Ally laughed "Remember Dez's bacon pants" I laughed imagining Melody in a mini pair of pants covered in delicious rasher bacon.
"You didn't like the bacon pants did you Butterfly?" Ally cooed to Melody "But you love Aunty Trish and Uncle Dez don't you baby, yes you do, yess. And you loved spending time with Nana what did you do with Nana hey Butterfly?"
"Did you leave Melody with Mom?" I asked lately Ally hadn't been leaving Melody alone with anyone alone except for me.
"Yes, I can trust your Mom, it was very silly of me not to let people babysit and I need to start going to therapy alone" Ally smiled rocking Melody to sleep in her arms.
"That's great, I really feel like I have my Ally back"
"It feels good to be back" Ally kisses me gently on the lips.
/
"Jonty I'm leaving my shifts over get off your arse you have customers" I called to the back room of Snow Globes R Us.
"Austin, relax your sphincter I'm coming" Jonty moved into the store in a black t-shirt and douchey overly expensive sunglasses hiding his bloodshot eyes intoxicating the store with over powering body spray to cover the smell of smoke "Oh shit you do it" Jonty said after analysing the busyness of the store snow globes have suddenly come back in fashion.
"No. I've got another job to get to" I rolled my eyes at Jonty knowing there is no way he can handle this.
"Dez, hey! Did you come to meet me?" I asked at my red head best friend outside the store.
"No came to see that" Dez pointed at a man carving a sculpture out of butter outside Izzie's Ice and Dairy
"Oh I see" I replied confused as to why anyone would carve a sculpture of butter but it's somewhat awesome.
"Wanna go get a some cheese from Cheese Outta My League? Then go see Trish at the second hand book store?"Dez asked in his stripy purple pants, yellow tiger t-shirt and his signature backpack and suspenders hanging from his pants.
"Wish I could but I've picked up a shift at Sonic Boom" I told him as we walked towards the store.
"That's cool I miss hanging out there, when do you think Ally will go back to work?" Dez asked walking along side me doing some kind of string cat's cradle thing in his fingers.
"I dunno, she might never go back to Sonic Boom she has patched things up with her dad but she still has issues, there are some haunting feelings she has about it." I explained.
"That sucks, but it's good to see her looking happy again" Dez said speaking surprisingly deep for him "See yah later man I'm off to get some cheese" Dez grinned walking off to the food court.
I step into Sonic Boom and smell inhale the familiar scent of new instruments a mixture of metal and polishers and a hint of salt from the beach overpowers my senses giving me a feeling of home. There's something different about Sonic Boom today it feels more familiar than usual more comfortable.
"Hey Austin I'm about to take off, Judy the temp is here just sign in and get to work I'll come visit you and Ally later" Lester smiled a big friendly grin and rushed out of the store I wave good bye and head upstairs to sign in.
I'm stopped dead in my tracks at the top of the stairs music is coming from the practice room. Nobody has used the practice room since Ally, its Ally's space. Has Lester rented it out? Is it Ally?
I lean on the cold wooden door peering into the practice room and the most beautiful voice fills my ears. I slowly quietly open the door shock shot through me to see Ally sitting at the piano seat singing a slowed down changed slightly version of Without You. I'm quiet not wanting her to know I'm here to take in as much of the music as possible, she will stop when she realises I'm here.
Melody is sitting in the corner listening to her Mom sing and playing with her little stuffed animals. "Dabishablebababa!" She screeched excitedly when she noticed me in her own baby babble clapping her chubby hands together. Causing Ally to jump in shock and look at me her mouth forming an o as big as her eyes.
"Austin" Ally blushed twirling of the piano seat her blue floral dress flowing behind her moving close to me.
"You're singing again" I curved a smile on my face snatching a glance into her big brown eyes.
"Yeah" She nervously looked at the floor shuffling her feet in her cowboy boots. "I felt like singing for the first time today so I... just did" she shrugged looking up to me.
"It was more beautiful than ever before. You were singing I Without You" I smiled hugging her tightly kissing her lips I glanced at Melody smiling up at her loving parents.
"Yeah it means so much more to me now, I've changed it a bit" Ally looked into me my arms still wrapped around her waist.
"How so?" I asked
"Because there is no way in hell I could do this parenting thing without you" Ally laughed her eyes showed how serious she is.
"There's no way I could do this without either" I smiled planting a kiss on her lips. She kissed me back passionately. Ally suddenly jumped back out of my arms breaking out kiss glancing at Melody my cheeks grew red as we both burst into laughter.
"Shall we sing together? For old times' sake?" I asked hoping she would agree.
Ally swept Melody into her arms bouncing her gently and nodded to me. I kissed Melody's temple taking her from Ally's arms and placing her back into her corner of cushions and soft toys.
I plant myself next to Ally on the piano seat. Ally's fingers glide across the piano keys instinctively hoping from one key to the next her hands were made for the piano. Ally and I sing Without You she's right. When I sang this song I always thought of my career, now I think of Melody. Sixteen months ago before Melody existed nothing was ever more important than my career it was everything, now it's nothing. Melody and Ally are my everything there is nothing I wouldn't give for my girls but I wouldn't be able to do anything without Ally and our friends and family.
We sang together. Ally's hands occasionally rubbed against mine on accident sending a familiar rush though my body making my heart skip a beat turning my face red. Ally smiled as she sang turning the pages of her song book periodically, her voice mesmerising me making me forget the world around me. I sang along, I haven't sang in such a long time but voice knew what to do. Everything feels exactly the same but completely different.
"Melody!" Ally exclaimed excitedly abruptly bringing our song to a stop. I spin in my seat my eyes widen in delight to see Melody in her little green dress with green leggings and matching head band on her blonde head crawling to us for the first time.
"Oh my god!" Ally exclaimed "Come on Melody! Come on Butterfly! Nearly here! Nearly here!" Ally grinned at the baby stumbling her way to us.
I grinned at Melody her little face was determined her eyebrows crooked blue eyes scrunched pushing her little chubby knees and hands forward.
"Come on Melody, come on, come on" Ally and I chanted encouraging her.
She made it. Melody grabbed the end of my skinny jeans tugging it looking up at us with pleading eyes. I pulled her from the floor and bounced her on my lap giggling with each bounce.
"You're crawling Butterfly, crawling" Ally smiled wrapping one arm around my and patting Melody's back gently a tear rolled down Ally's cheek.
"You ok Al's?" I asked my hand still gripped around Melody.
"Yeah. They just grow up so fast"
A/N; We call trolleys trolleys in New Zealand Austin and Ally are American so I have been trying hard to use American terminologies but I couldn't think of what Americans call trolleys, shopping carts? Doesn't sound as good as trolley haha.
So what do you think let me know. Its not my best work I admit but I'm just getting back into the swing of things, please feel free to review
Much love xo