[AN: I got a brand-new laptop for Christmas and it's taken a while to set everything up, so I didn't really get to check my reviews on this site until today. I came back, saw the number 77 and made a little squeaky hiccough noise. To JayneParker in particular: don't worry about me not having 500 reviews yet. I'm still boggling at the amount I do get! To everyone else: thank you so much, you are all amazing, and I'm sorry I didn't get to reply to all of you individually like I usually do (it seems a bit late now for most of you).

Now on to the fic!]

Chapter 10

'Courage isn't just a matter of not being frightened, you know. It's being afraid and doing what you have to do anyway.'

'Planet, would you lighten up?'

Cloud looked up at Zack. The truck was swaying around them as it rumbled along the road to the small town of Nibelheim. The other MP volunteer was snoring next to Cloud. Zack had stopped doing squats in the middle of the truck to berate Cloud, and now stood with his hands on his hips. Sephiroth, seated at the back of the truck, sat up slightly.

'It's one thing to be nervous going home, but you've been miserable as sin for days,' he said. 'You're driving me crazy.'

'Sorry,' Cloud muttered.

'Zack is right,' Sephiroth said, a little more kindly. 'You've seemed… unsettled for several days now. Is there something concerning you?'

Cloud considered all the excuses he could give, and then decided he didn't particularly care for excuses anymore. If there was anything left that he could do to 'change one life', he couldn't see it. Nobody had been able to snap Sephiroth out of his lunacy last time; he didn't see how he could do it this time. Not without any evidence to back up his insistence that no, Jenova was not his mother; his mother was human and locked in a crystal and probably didn't want him to take over the world.

Despite this, he found himself speaking carefully.

Well, there might be another chance, after all.

'If something had gone wrong,' he said quietly, 'and you could go back and… and change it…'

'What have you broken?' Sephiroth said immediately.

'Nothing!' Cloud said, holding his hands up defensively. 'I haven't. It's just: what if you knew something bad happened and you could go back and stop it? How would you do it?'

Sephiroth still looked suspicious, so he turned imploringly to Zack.

'I dunno,' Zack said with a shrug. 'I think you've just got to get on with it. Everyone gets shit wrong; you can't change it. Actually, if nothing ever went wrong then everything would be kind of boring.'

'But—'

'I'd have to agree with Zack,' Sephiroth put in. 'I only appreciate your company all the more for having had a… well, a less than satisfactory life prior to meeting you.'

Cloud looked between the two of them. They didn't understand, and he didn't know how to explain his predicament to them without outright telling them what he was here to do.

'But,' he said, 'if someone died—'

'You've killed someone?' Sephiroth said. He didn't seem worried. Actually, he sounded rather proud.

'No!' Cloud said.

Yes, he thought.

'Who was it?' Sephiroth said, disregarding Cloud's objection.

'No one!'

You.

Zack chuckled.

'Yeah, as though Cloud could kill anyone. He can barely do a sit-up.'

'Yes I can!' Cloud cried, pride suddenly butting in where sense should have been. He added quickly: 'Do a sit-up. I can do a sit-up. I haven't killed anyone.'

Yet.

'Relax, we believe you.' Zack rubbed his knuckles against Cloud's temple. 'Now chill out, will you? We've got maybe an hour and a half before we get there and have to start working.'

'What, chill out like you?' Cloud said. 'Doing squats because you're so impatient to get to all those monsters?'

'He made a joke!' Zack cried, pressing a hand against his chest. 'It was a sarcastic one, but nonetheless, Planet be praised! He is cured!'

They arrived in Nibelheim some time later. Zack stretched and sprinted off to look around the town. Sephiroth followed after him with a grim expression, like a mother forced to hurry after her hyperactive toddler. Cloud and the other militia volunteer – he hadn't asked his name – stood guard at the village gates.

Nothing, for the entirety of Cloud's return to the past, had ever felt as painfully like déjà-vu as being back in Nibelheim did. Things had, for the most part, happened differently in Midgar this time around. Cloud had befriended Zack and Sephiroth, and had spent his time with them, or thinking about how to prevent them from getting to this place. Now he was standing exactly where he'd stood before, and for some reason the same thoughts suddenly crossed his mind as they had the last time.

I didn't make it into SOLDIER.

It was his second attempt, and he still hadn't managed to get into SOLDIER. It was rather selfish, but he couldn't help wondering if that was what he was meant to do: if the one life that he was meant to change was actually his own.

How different would the world be if Cloud Strife had made it into SOLDIER?

Zack came bouncing back from around the water silo in the middle of the town. He waved at the two of them in their uniforms. Sephiroth trailed after him.

'Hey guys, you can come off-duty,' Zack said.

'We have a guide to take us up to the reactor tomorrow,' Sephiroth explained. 'We won't need any assistance until then. Try to rest.'

He and Zack turned towards the hotel. The other militia boy pulled his helmet off and sighed. Cloud didn't recognise him; they had never been posted on duty together before.

'Oh,' Sephiroth added, hesitating at the hotel door, 'and you have permission to speak to speak to your families, if you want to.'

He gave Cloud a nod that might have also come with a smile, if they had not been in public. Cloud's stomach twisted.

His mother. He hadn't seen his mother in… well, since she had died. Now she was alive and he could actually see her. The front door wouldn't even be unlocked, and he made straight towards it.

'Hey! Hey, wait!'

A girl ran up and grabbed his arm. He started, but not because he didn't recognise her. Really, he'd expected her to look more different, and was just surprised that she was so easily identifiable.

Tifa Lockhart, at fifteen years old, already had the height and figure she'd have into her twenties. Her face was a little more rounded and her muscles a lot softer than they'd be when she grew up, but otherwise the girl peering up at Cloud from under her huge western hat was the same as the one who'd fight Sephiroth at his side.

'Do you know Cloud Strife?' she said. 'He's in SOLDIER, like Mister Sephiroth, but I don't know if he's First Class yet. I asked the other two but they just laughed and said I had to ask you.'

'Err,' Cloud hesitated, and then had an idea like lightening hitting him in the head. 'Yeah, I know Cloud. You're Tifa?'

She beamed.

'Yes!'

'Cloud says "hi". He would've come, but they only wanted two SOLDIERs on the mission.'

'Oh! When you go back, give him this from me!' Tifa leaned up and kissed the side of his mask. 'And tell him that I still remember his promise!'

'He remembers too, don't worry,' Cloud said, struggling to keep from laughing at her over-exuberance, or feeling guilty for lying to her. He wasn't really sure if he was right, but he thought that if he told Tifa who he was now, it would change too much. There would be no way he'd think, later on, that he'd really been in SOLDIER, and something might go wrong.

It wasn't worth taking the risk. It wasn't worth breaking the rules now; because he'd just thought of something and he needed this one to damn well work.

'Look, Tifa,' he said, 'this is going to sound really, really strange but I need you to do me a favour.'

He explained what he wanted her to do. She made a few protests, but he reassured her that everything would be fine and stopped her worrying without too much trouble. She left only after he'd gotten her to agree.

He was so distracted with his planning as he walked into his house that he forgot why he was going there in the first place.

'Hello?'

The blonde woman, from whom he had inherited his wild hair and small stature, peeked at the doorway from the kitchen where she was working.

'Who are…?'

Cloud pulled his helmet off and stared at his mother with his mouth hanging open. She squeaked with delight and rushed down the hallway to grab him in a hug.

In his mind, Cloud saw this house on fire: all the wood peeling and turning white under the force of the heat, the carpets blackening, the ceiling crumbling under its own weight and crashing down to the floor below… his mother's red body, blood and pus bursting up from under the swollen skin.

He hadn't stopped it. He hadn't tried hard enough.

She was going to die, and he hadn't even thought about her – hadn't even taken her life into account under the tangle of wrongs that he was struggling to straighten out.

When it happened, it would not be Sephiroth's fault, because who could really blame a man for breaking under the stresses that he was about to be put through? Cloud wasn't exactly model of mental health himself.

No: when Nibelheim burned to a few charred lumps of wood and a pile of bloody bodies, it would all be because of Cloud.

'Are you all right, sweetheart? You're shaking,' he heard his mother say. She loosened her hold on him so that she could lean back and see his face, but he gripped her tighter and cried like she was dying in his arms, because he knew that when she did die, he wouldn't get the privilege of holding her.

Cloud put his helmet on before he left the house the next morning, and hurried up to the old Shinra Mansion, even though he knew that there was no point. If he had convinced Tifa to do what he wanted – and he was fairly sure he had – there would be no trip to Nibelheim.

'She's late,' Sephiroth muttered of their guide when they'd been waiting for twenty minutes. Cloud smiled under his mask. When he got back into the future, he'd buy Tifa a new set of knuckle dusters.

'Relax, she's coming,' Zack said. He pointed into the village. 'Look.'

Cloud's smile ran away across the Planet as Tifa jogged up to meet them.

'Sorry I'm late!' she said brightly. 'Let's go!'

They were halted by one of the villagers, who asked for a photograph. It made Cloud a little dizzy to stand behind the cameraman and watch him take the photograph that was going to confuse him so much in the future.

When they set off, Cloud made a point of moving up to the front of the group, within Tifa's line of sight. She walked a little faster and he sped up to keep up with her.

'What are you doing?' he growled at her, quietly enough that the others behind them wouldn't be able to make it out. She gave him the tiniest shrug.

'If I'd said I was sick like you told me, they would have just found another guide. Don't worry, I have another plan.'

Cloud nodded, somewhat relieved at the knowledge that she hadn't outright decided to ignore his request, but equally anxious that he now didn't know what was going to happen. He sidled back towards Zack and Sephiroth.

'You two seem to be getting on well,' Zack said, giving Cloud a nudge with his elbow. 'Did she like you before or is it just the uniform?'

'She doesn't know it's me,' Cloud replied, using the same tone he had used on Tifa not a moment before.

'Why n—'

'I promised everyone I'd get into SOLDIER,' Cloud snapped, surprisingly irritated that he really hadn't achieved that goal. 'I just… don't want them to know. Okay?'

'Achieving the rank of SOLDIER within two years of joining the company is an extremely unrealistic goal,' Sephiroth said. 'Especially taking your age into equation; we don't accept recruits under the age of sixteen, so you could only have been admitted within the last month. That aside, it takes the average person at least four or five years of service to be considered for SOLDIER; possibly longer since the Wutai war ended and call for recruits has become less of a necessity.'

He flicked his eyes down to Cloud.

'You have nothing to be ashamed of.'

'Thanks,' Cloud said to the horizon, because it was difficult holding Sephiroth's gaze at the best of times. 'But don't tell anyone who I am, all the same.'

'As you wish.'

'Whatever you say, bud.'

They came to the rope bridge, and Cloud remembered with a shudder how this was going to go. He glanced at the other MP, who had been silent all the way up here. The poor guy didn't know any of them; he was probably just doing this job for the extra cash he was never going to receive.

'Shouldn't we go one at a time?' Cloud suggested, as everyone moved to cross at once.

'He's right,' Tifa said. 'The bridge isn't that stable. Mister Sephiroth, you first!'

Sephiroth started across the bridge. He didn't seem concerned; he'd always been light on his feet. He looked around at the mountains as he crossed, the bridge barely quivering under his footsteps. And yet, Cloud noticed, it was definitely wobbling slightly.

He looked across at Tifa, to see if she had noticed the same thing – and then he saw what her plan was.

The ropes on this side of the bridge had been loosened, and she was gently nudging the knots with her foot so that they came undone, and the bridge became more and more unstable, rocking and swaying with Sephiroth halfway across it.

He had stopped moving now, very aware of the bridge's alarming movements.

'No, wait!' Cloud cried, lunging at Tifa to make her stop.

That was when the first rope uncoiled from the post and the whole bridge heaved downwards. For a moment he thought that Sephiroth had fallen, but no: he was still there, holding on to the rope with both arms, one foot perched on a wooden plank to keep him upright.

Cloud pushed Tifa out of the way, snarling,

'That's your idea!?'

He called out across the chasm to Sephiroth,

'One of the ropes has come loose!'

'I would never have guessed!' he replied, voice only a little strained from the exertion holding on for dear life. 'Can you tie it back? The ground's a long way down. I expect I'd survive, but it would still hurt.'

Cloud tried, but in the end it had to be Zack, with his SOLDIER strength, who pulled the rope bridge back into place and tied it steady. Sephiroth got across and they followed him one at a time. Cloud and Tifa crossed last, and she said to him before he left her,

'I'm sorry. You made out like nothing mattered more than keeping Sephiroth away from the reactor; and like he said, he would have survived the fall. I thought it was a good idea.'

'He would have survived the fall,' Cloud sighed. 'And then he would have found his way to the reactor without us.'

'Sorry,' Tifa said again and, thinking of the way her father's body would look in a few days' time and who would be to blame for it, Cloud patted her shoulder in forgiveness and hurried on.

Because they had taken the correct path this time, the troupe made it to the Nibelheim Reactor much faster than they had in Cloud's memory, even with a couple of random monster attacks thrown in.

'We'll go in,' Zack said, climbing up the steps to the door with Sephiroth, 'you guys stay out here.'

'Why can't I come in?' Tifa pouted. Zack looked momentarily awkward, but Sephiroth said frankly,

'Shinra secrets. There are things inside this reactor that the company doesn't want civilians to see.'

'I'll come in,' Cloud said. He nodded to the other MP. 'You can take care of Tifa while we work.'

'Oh, no,' Zack said, putting his hand on Cloud's chest as he tried to join them. 'SOLDIERs only, trooper. You can keep the lady company.'

'But—'

'We'll only be a minute,' Zack promised, and gave Cloud a little push backwards. The reactor door closed firmly behind him and Sephiroth.

'Oh, no,' Cloud said. 'No you don't.'

He hit the button to open the door, but it made a low buzzing noise and the word LOCKED appeared on a little panel beside the open button. Cloud hit it again, harder, with the same result.

'No,' he said, and hit the button a third time, then a fourth.

'Chill out,' the other MP said, taking a seat at the foot of the steps. 'They won't be long.'

'No!' Cloud said, punching the button so hard his fist hurt, and then turning his attention to the door itself, hauling kicks at it with all of his strength. He hurled his whole body at the door, trying to slam it open with his shoulder like he'd seen Zack do when he was thrown out of bars under the Plate.

'NO!' BANG! 'FUCKING!' BANG! 'OPEN!' BANG! 'PIECE!' BANG! 'OF CRAP!' BANG! BANG! BANG!

Tifa was backing away, but he didn't care. Sephiroth was stuck in there with no one but Zack, who didn't have a clue what was going to happen; what the monsters in those tanks were going to do to him; what the name of his 'mother' was going to mean to him; what the voice of Jenova was going to start screaming in his head.

'ZACK!' he shrieked. 'ZACK YOU BASTARD, LET ME IN!'

He pounded on the door a few more times, but it was so solid he doubted that they could even hear him inside.

'SEPHIROTH! ZACK! FUCKING! LET! ME! IN!'

No one answered, no matter how long he screamed and did battle with the door, and by the time Zack and Sephiroth came back out of their own accord, Cloud had given in and sat, huddled, at the top of the stairs. He jumped up when the door opened.

'Sephiroth—' he said, but the First Class SOLDIER marched right past without giving him a look. Tifa and the MP volunteer scrambled to follow him as he stormed away with a face as immobile as the rock the reactor had been built into.

'It's not true,' Cloud said, and noticed absently that his voice was straining. Zack came up beside him and patted his shoulder. He looked up at the older man imploringly. 'Whatever he thinks – everything he thinks – it's not true.'

Zack squeezed his shoulder and didn't say anything.