Chapter IV: For You
Calling this silence 'awkward' would be one of the biggest understatements of the year. Mind you, he knew the very definition of awkward; he had lived through the meaning of awkward. When Darren just started hanging out with Chris, they had experienced tons of uncomfortable moments (he normally would just laugh them off, really. It was understandable though, he did get it).
One scene that beat all of them though, was when they were having coffee and Chris was angry at him, demanding him what were his real intentions. "C'mon," had spat Chris that time with a hurt expression in his face, "why are you hanging out with me, the loser of the school?"
Darren remembered that conversation vividly while gazing at his boyfriend sitting across of him.
1.
"Well, hello there, Colfer!" Darren called, appearing in their usual spot, holding his coffee with his left hand and taking one chair with the other (they started hanging out a few days ago; Darren didn't feel so bold as to call Chris by his name, or at least, not that much). He turned his vision at Chris, who had concentrated look, frowning, and looking down at his coffee. He looked… angry? "What's wrong?" Darren asked loudly, wanting Chris' attention, and Chris flinched slightly (Darren mentally face-palmed). He continuously forgot to be careful by approaching Chris; Darren liked Chris a lot, and he liked to think that the thought was reciprocated. But he knew that Chris would not be at ease, not when Darren knew, he could sense that Chris didn't trust him at all.
And fuck, that hurt.
"Nothing," Chris responded with uncertainty in his voice. Chris seemed conflicted; that expression on your face when you ache to confess something, but at the same time, you just don't want to or can't say it.
Darren blinked and took a sip of his coffee, he decided on not pushing it further, for all he knows, Chris could get angry and walk out. Darren did not want that, Oh, God. No. "Oh… okay," Darren smiled, "Chris, oh oh. I was in Calc this morning—you'll love this!" He gestured excitedly, waving his hands, "—and Ms. Norris asked this guy—…"
2.
Snap.
"Uh…?" The sound of Darren's fingers brought him to reality, "… what?"
"You're not smiling."
"I don't always have to be smiling," Chris remarked.
"… uh. I — it was funny though, I mean, the story I was telling you."
Chris hummed in response, not actually paying attention again.
Darren thought Chris needed a moment, so he let it.
3.
Almost by his fourth cup of coffee in two hours can't be healthy, Darren thinks. They were sitting in silence for most of that time, and Darren was aching to ask Chris what was going on.
Darren looked around, some people were leaving, and some others were coming in. "Aren't you tired yet?"
"W-what?"
"I'm ignoring you, and yet, you're still here. Why?"
Darren hope that was a process, close to know what was on Chris' mind. So far, Darren gathered that Chris doesn't want him around.
"I asked why you're still here."
"I like you," the reply came instantly. Darren sighed when Chris gave him a look, he couldn't pin-point what kind of look that was, but he was sure it meant something in the line of I-don't-fucking-believe-you.
"I'm being serious, Criss." He said, "C'mon, why are you hanging out with me, the loser of the school?" Chris asked with a bitter sound in his voice.
"… the loser of the school," Darren repeated in low voice. Darren learned that Chris was very very sarcastic, and he hoped Chris didn't actually mean it. They were in silence until Darren's breathing accelerated a little, "You actually fucking mean that."
"Of course I fucking mean that! What makes you think I'm freaking joking?"
Darren let a laugh (a quite loud laugh, actually) and Chris' expression turned from hurt and offended to disdain in an instant. When Chris was about to (Darren was sure of) explode, Darren shook his face, still with a smile, "You're fucking amazing and you don't even know it… or you actually know it b-but you want me to keep telling you that you are…?" Darren had a mug smile and continued when he realized that Chris was in shock, "Ooh, well, I could, you know? I didn't peg you by the kind of guy who likes or enjoy getting flattery, Colfer?" Darren winked playfully.
Chris didn't give an answer, though he kept blinking and then with a confused look he exclaimed, "Are you fucking insane?" Darren frowned… okay, he was so fucking lost. "Do you even have an idea of what I was talking about?"
"No, not at all… not like you're helping with that," Darren defended himself. He breathed deeply and stood up, and sat next to Chris. Not across of him and Darren hope to anything that Chris wouldn't punch him, or tell him to fuck off and walk out. "Hey, hey," Darren positioned his left hand over Chris' shoulder, soothing. "Can you tell me what's wrong? I think I have the right to know — I mean, 'cause you know? It's about me, isn't it?"
Chris closed his eyes, "I… you… just why?"
"Soooo," Darren started, looking straight at his boyfriend, "Ready to talk to me now?" He got close to Chris after finishing his sentence.
"I don't…"
"—Don't tell me you don't know, I know damn well there's something going on."
"Why don't you start then?"
Darren gulped, "What?"
"Why don't you just tell me that the bullying is getting to you, huh?" Chris asked.
Darren just stared at Chris for a few moments but then looked down, what could actually confess?
Hey, Chris, the jocks beat me up once a week? Oh, oh, that now I get pushed against the lockers? Also, let's not forget I've got some jokes and name-calling!
Darren never complained because he knew that if he got beat up once a week, Chris probably got it every day; that if Darren got pushed against the lockers now and then, Chris got it between periods. If Darren got some name-calling, jocks would yell and scream at Chris just insults, jocks would pass Chris notes with more insults.
And nobody cared. Nobody would.
Even if Darren knew that some slurs weren't as bad as the beginning since he started hanging out with Chris, he realized that it got worse when he basically outed himself. Therefore the bullying with Chris got even worse.
Was it his fault?
Chris scoffed, "Have you… you… you wanna break up with me, don't you?"
Darren looked up with wide eyes and Chris looked down, not wanting to meet his eyes. "Why… do you? Wait… what? Chris what?"
"Dare… I told you. I'm used to it, you're not. It's getting to you, and I have the feeling you're blaming this on yourself." Chris bit his lips, daring to look up at Darren. He blinked when he saw his boyfriend. "No… no, honey, don't cry… Dare… I'm so sorry."
Darren frowned, blinking away his tears and trying to even his breathing. In regular circumstances, he'd be glad that Chris called him honey, because damn, Colfer isn't used to at all to the pet names. Now, though, wasn't the ideal moment, "Why are you—?"
Chris cut him off quickly, sniffing loudly, "—because it's actually my fault… I—I… it's my fault. That it's happening to you." Chris gets closer to Darren, looking unsure, he hugs Darren tightly. "I'm so sorry."
Darren pulls away, still with tears on his face, but smiling. "Baby, it's not your fault… and you know? You're right.
Chris' eyes widened, shocked and hurt, "You want… to break up wit—"
"Oh, my God! No! Oh God, no, no. Baby, I mean about the bullying getting to me…" Darren laughed out of nervousness, "Colfer, I'd be damned if I ever break up with you." He cupped Chris' cheeks and kissed him, "… I love you so damn much, angel." He breathed in the kiss, not minding the people around them in the coffee shop.
4.
"Me? Why—what? You aren't being" Darren started, stuttering, "I don't know what you… mean…?" He finished his sentence lamely, not sure of how to formulate his words.
"What I meant is… uh…" Chris' words died down, finishing in whispers that Darren could make out.
"Come again?"
"Fuck, this is embarrassing," Chris muttered with his cheek tainted in soft pink.
Darren found that endearing and took it that maybe there was a chance that they weren't going to end up yelling at each other. "Chris, Chris, hey," Chris looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. "You have nothing to be embarrassed about… I, uh, I told you I wanted to be your friend —I still want to. This doesn't have to be embarrassing; I won't think any less of you. Promise." Darren showed a welcoming smile.
Chris had an apprehensive look, as if to believe any words that came out of Darren's mouth, "Why you," he pointed at Darren, "having the opportunity of being popular in school, you choose to hang out with me?" Chris breathed, now completely blushing. He always felt more superior to the people in that place (especially at his school), but it didn't mean that he couldn't have his insecurities. "Nobody wanted me… nobody wants to be around me… why you, why you aren't—I… I thought this was some sort of joke," Chris confessed. "This," he gestured between Darren and him, "friendship was some joke or bet that you lost or… or something... and now…" by that moment, there were tears running down his cheeks, his eyes were glassy, but he didn't care. He wanted to let it out, he felt as if he could trust someone, "it doesn't seem—I don't think, I'm actually thinking that you want to be my friend."
Darren blinked, lost in thoughts but not saying any of them out-loud. Chris was feeling judged and about to regret his decision of pouring out his feelings, he was going to excuse himself and leave when he felt that someone pulled his hand. "C'mere," was the soft voice of Darren; when Chris turned to see his face, Darren didn't wait for Chris to respond and pulled him in a hug. Darren hugged him tightly and felt Chris' head turning around, checking if someone was giving disapproving looks. Darren sighed and pulled away from the hug, standing up and indicating Chris to leave the place.
Darren didn't let go of Chris' hand though.
"You know?" Darren commenced when they arrived to Chris' house. Chris hummed in response, now calmed, and turned to see Darren. "I'll be the best fucking friend!" Darren stated with a joking tone, but that didn't make it sound any less serious.
"You don't—I…"
"No. I'll be the best for you," Darren hugged Chris tightly again, "the bestest," he smiled. That moment, Chris smiled with him.
Woah, well. It's been a while AND shorter than I thought. Sorry. :(
The numbered parts are flashbacks. :) I'll be the editing the past chapters, I almost cried when I saw all the mistakes a day after,
therefore, sorry for any mistake or misspelling. I'll correct them soon.
Thanks for reading! :D