Hari Rabbit: A Potter's Tail.
Disclaimer: If you can recognise it as part of Harry Potter or any Looney Tunes or Disney movie, cartoon or comic, I don't own it. If you don't recognise it, but it bears a lot of similarities to some mix of the above, I don't own that either. The only things I could claim are the plot and two characters from the Toon-town side of things (Rocket & Roxy: Flying Foxes!) and I'm not getting anything for them (except the enjoyment of telling a story). Now that that's out of the way, please enjoy.
I also do not lay claim to the 'Laws of Toon Physics' herein. They are not comprehensive, but they do fit those 'Laws' that the toons of my story are likely to let the rest of the world know about...
Some speech conventions:
"Normal speech".
"SHOUTING!"
"Thinking..."
«French»
§Parseltongue§
Chapter 3: The Laws of Physics, and Other Breakable Objects...
Hermione Granger sat on the bench in her compartment on the Hogwarts Express, Looking down at the sheet of paper in her hand. Hari had given it to her once they'd finished their wand shopping, as they were parting ways outside the Leaky Cauldron. "If you're going to be my friend," she'd told the wild-haired witch, you're going to need to know these."
Arriving at King's Cross over an hour early meant that Hermione would have longer to wait, but it also meant she was able to choose a compartment from which to watch for her toon friend's own arrival. It was only five minutes after she'd taken her seat on the train that Hari reached her compartment. She promptly received a Hermi-hug (bone-crushing to most people) that quite squeezed the rabbit-toon out of shape.
"Oh, no," the little witch said, nervous at the crushed-in torso she'd left her friend with.
"No, no, no harm done." Hari's voice was oddly distorted, an almost mechanical squawk that came from trying to speak with the use of her lungs. Sure, toons didn't need them to breathe with, but they certainly came in handy for speaking. The toon-girl flamboyantly stuck her thumb in her mouth, then blew hard, puffing out her cheeks to a ridiculous degree, and the caved-in section of torso gradually popped outwards, rib by rib. Hermione's eyes widened, almost bulging out toon-style themselves.
"See, all better," said Hari. There was a little last-minute commotion as an entire family of red-heads barrelled onto the platform with barely enough time for the boys in it to board the train.
Hari's appearance attracted several curious Muggle-raised children, and by the time the Express left King's Cross, the compartment she and Hermione shared was filled with other first-year students. There was Hannah Abbott, her best friend Susan Bones, Terry Boot and Dean Thomas, and of them all, only Susan was unfamiliar with cartoons. As the train rattled Northwards, Hermione raised the sheet of paper. The words on it clearly spelled out what passed for physics around toons.
"Hari, could you explain some of these 'laws' to me?" she asked. "Some of them just don't make sense." The toon girl took the paper, and read off the contents.
CARTOON PHYSICS: The basic 11 Laws.
Cartoon Law I
-Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
-A toon steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Hermione interrupred her to comment. "That's the one from the Leaky Cauldron, isn't it?" Hari nodded before continuing.
Cartoon Law II
-Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
-Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
-Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
-Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
"I saw that at the Cauldron, too," the bushy-haired witch mused, "in the front of the bus that hit you." The others in the compartment stared at Hari, who sheepishly nodded. She didn't look like she'd been hit by a bus.
Cartoon Law IV
-The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
-Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
-All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
-Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
"It took you ten minutes to stop laughing over that one in Ollivander's," Hari broke off to mention. "Then it took another hour to get our wands."
Cartoon Law VI
-As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
-This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
-A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
-Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
-This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
-The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
-Corollary: Portable holes work.
Cartoon Law VIII
-Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
-Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
-Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container, provided said container is of a strange shape, or equal or smaller in size than the cat. This law also applies to coyotes.
Cartoon Law IX
-Everything falls faster than an anvil. (A falling anvil will always land directly upon the character's head, regardless of the time gap between the body's and the anvil's respective drops.)
Cartoon Law X
-For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
-This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law XI
-Any vehicle on a path of travel is at a state of indeterminacy until an object enters a location in the path of travel. (A toon walks into road and gets run over by a bus.)
Cartoon Law Amendment A
-A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
-When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
-The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
-Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
-Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
-They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
-Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
-Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
"I don't see how I could make these clearer," Hari said. "Not without a good demonstration, and I don't have a toon cat or coyote to show off some of these. Hmm..."It was at this point that one of the red-heads who'd almost missed the train opened the door. Poking his head into the compartment and quickly glancing around, it was obvious when he noticed Hari's scar... and ears. Staring oddly at them, he spoke up.
"Is there any room in here," he asked, not really paying attention, as Hari moved her ears around, and his gaze followed them. "Everywhere else is full..."
The toon rabbit laid her ears straight back in anger, her eyes sparkling like emeralds filled with lightning, and the stranger found himself staring straight into a bright green thunderstorm. "In case you hadn't noticed," she said, "so is this compartment. You may as well keep looking, there's no room here."
The redhead was suddenly pushed aside to reveal the blond boy from Madam Malkin's, along with two large-for-eleven-years-old boys that put her in mind of Uncle Taz. Savage, strong and stupid. They obviously deferred to the brat in front of them.
The boy glared around. " I heard that Harry Potter's going to be at Hogwarts this year," he sneered. "I don't suppose any of you have seen him?"This was too good on opportunity. "You're standing on him," she said with a huge grin. As the blond looked down, as did his 'bodyguards', she declared "I love Amendment 'B'!", as she pulled an oversized mallet from her sleeve, where it had shown no indication of being before she removed drove the mallet in an underhand swing, not unlike a golf club, making three complete swings, yelling out "Fore! Five! Six!" as she literally hammered Draco and his friends out of the compartment, before putting away the mallet (which vanished back up her sleeve as easily and tracelessly as it had appeared), turning and taking a bow, to the applause of everyone there. It was Susan Bones who raised a caution.
"That was Draco Malfoy, you know," she said. "His dad swings some political power in the Wizengamot, so he could cause you some trouble, if you're not careful." Hari looked sideways at the redheaded girl. "My auntie is the head of the DMLE, that's the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and she says the name Malfoy is synonymous with criminal."