Hari Rabbit: A Potter's Tail.
Disclaimer: If you can recognise it as part of Harry Potter or any Looney Tunes or Disney movie, cartoon or comic, I don't own it. If you don't recognise it, but it bears a lot of similarities to some mix of the above, I don't own that either. The only things I could claim are the plot and two characters from the Toon-town side of things (Rocket & Roxy: Flying Foxes!) and I'm not getting anything for them (except the enjoyment of telling a story). Now that that's out of the way, please enjoy.
I also do not lay claim to the 'Laws of Toon Physics' herein. They are not comprehensive, but they do fit those 'Laws' that the toons of my story are likely to let the rest of the world know about...
Some speech conventions:
"Normal speech".
"SHOUTING!"
"Thinking..."
«French»
§Parseltongue§
Chapter 4: Hare-Raising Situations.
The rest of the train ride was fairly peaceful, and the girls found themselves sharing a boat as they drifted across the lake. It was relatively enjoyable, and as they rounded the point of the lake, all four drew breath in awe. "It's a magnificent sight, isn't it?" Hermione asked. Hari just nodded, brushing at her shoulder where someone had tapped on it. Looking at the others who were staring past her with dropped jaws, Hari realised that she was at the edge of the last boat, and none of them could have reached that shoulder, as they were all on the wrong side of her. Gulping, she turned to follow their gaze.
It was the giant squid. To be exact, it was one of the squid's spade-tipped tentacles, and the spade was roughly the same size as the boat they were in. Hari's toon nature sprang into action.
Screaming loudly as the spade folded to wave at them, Hari leaped into the air without disturbing the boat at all, stiff as a board and ramrod straight, ears extended to their full length above her head, her eyes bugged out before her and her jaw somewhere around her waist. Their was a snapping sound like a released rubber band, and the girls in the boat turned from the Hari-shaped cloud of dust the rabbit-girl had left behind as she bolted, running across the surface of the water in shock.
Hermione, having had a little more experience at this sort of occurrence, was the first to recover, looking down at the paper she took from her pocket. "I think that was a Five," she said, and the others agreed.
Hari was 'breathing' hard, panting and gasping theatrically, as the boats drifted in to the concealed dock at the base of Hogwarts. As her new friends from the train gathered around her, some giggling over her panicked dash, she straightened with a final deep breath. The first years proceeded up the stairs until they reached the antechamber to the Great Hall, where Professor McGonagall was waiting for them. Under the charge of the formidable witch, they were led into the Great Hall. There, a stool waited in a cleared space at the head of the massive room, with a tattered hat sitting on it. As they waited, it burst into song enumerating the Houses and their virtues. Finally, McGonagall began calling them forth to be sorted. Hannah and Susan, first to be called, found themselves in Hufflepuff, and Hari whispered to Hermione.
"Hard work and loyalty, I can think of worse things. You've got to admit, all that learning is going to be very hard work indeed, and so is putting it all to proper use."
Hermione nodded thoughtfully, and by the time the hat descended on her head, although it took a few minutes, Hari wasn't surprised when the bushy-haired witch went to the House of Badgers. Then there were several others and... the Potter name wasn't called. Everyone was puzzled by that, particularly Professor Dumbledore. This was the year Hari Potter was supposed to be here, yes?
It was shortly after that that the mystery was resolved, as McGonagall called out "Rabbit-Potter, Angharad", and Hari stepped forward. The hat came down on her head, and once more the unexpected occurred, as the hat kept descending, until Hhari had disappeared inside the relic of magical millinery.
"I SAY," shouted the Hat, "HUFFLEPUFF!" Continuing in less strident tones the hat went on. "Now get out, I can't sort anyone else while you're in there."
A muffled voice echoed from the depths of the hat. "can't. I'm lost."
At the Hufflepuff Table, Hermione gave an exasperated sigh, and stood, walking over to the startled Professor and the hat. "Honestly, don't any of you know what magicals have to do to get a rabbit out of a hat?" She reached into the depths of the hat, whose only response was an ongoing set of instructions.
"Up a bit, now left a smidgen, just a bit further, THERE!"
"Have I got Hari?" the witchling asked.
"No," the hat replied, "but I've had an itch there ever since I sorted Godric."
Again the voice echoed out of the hat. "sleeves."
Remembering the incident with the bus, Hermione muttered as she dumped her robe on the floor and looked at the sleeve of her shirt. Now, how did that moose pull his squirrel friend out?
"Nothing up my sleeve," she declared, tearing the sleeve from her shirt and throwing it aside. She then reached into the hat once more, rummaging through its depths. As she pulled things from the hat and discarded them, she was the centre of attention from the entire, silent hall. "Sword, nope. Swordfish, nope. Grenade, nope." The explosive went off by the Slytherin table, and laughter began to slowly fill the Hall as the soot-covered snakes blinked twice. "Five galleons, finder's fee. Axe, that's not it. Dragon, uhh, no." She hastily pushed the dragon's head back into the hat after it gave a gout of fire that brightened the Hall considerably. Unfortunately, the grease in Professor Snape's hair ignited, and the man fled the Hall screaming for water, pursued by a Slytherin prefect yelling "Aguamenti", which only made it worse. Finally, Hermione dragged Hari from the hat, by her ears, naturally, with a loud "TAH-DAH!" and a bow, which of course attracted vast applause and laughter, even from Professor Quirrel, who laughed so hard he had some kind of seizure, that required Madam Pomfrey to remove him to the Hospital Wing.
Luckily, the rest of the sorting was nowhere as eventful.
After Hari's hat-related incident, even the headmaster's 'few words' didn't rate a mention, especially at the Hufflepuff table. When Madam Pomfrey returned to the Great Hall, and whispered something to Dumbledore, the old wizard spat his pumpkin juice half way down the hall. Luckily, that space was empty. Rising to his feet, he spoke.
"If I could have your attention, please," Dumbledore announced, with true and sincere regret. "It seems that Professor Quirrel's seizure was far more dangerous than realised, and as a result, DADA classes will be covered by other teachers until we can arrange a new professor for that post. If we could have a moment of silence for his passing, please... thank you. While I have your attention, the Forbidden Forest is, as its name implies Forbidden, and that is so for a reason. First-year students are advised to stay away from it due to the many hazardous creatures that dwell there. Older students have already received this warning a number of times. Mr Filch has the full and annotated list of contraband on the wall outside his office, as well as several yards down the hall. That is all." He seemed a bit grumpy, as if several of his plans had gone awry, and didn't even bother with the school song. As the prefects led the various students back to their dorms, he sat and contemplated the problems of Hari Rabbit-Potter and her friends.
That night, in the Hufflepuff dormitories, which were comfortably warm from their proximity to the kitchens, Hari, Hermione, Hannah and Susan spoke quietly, discussing what had happened. "If that's what happens," Hari said firmly, "then I am never going near any form of magical headgear again!"
The laughter of the other Hufflepuff girls was music to her oversized ears.
The next morning saw the new class schedules handed out, and all the girls were busy preparing for the day by packing their bookbags with everything they needed. "We really need a purse that's bigger on the inside than the outside," Hermione complained. "One we can just grab what we need from at a moment's notice."
"So design one," Hari replied, as they walked into their first class room of the day, Potions with the Ravenclaws, and were greeted by a very bald Professor Snape. The shiny, unnaturally smooth skin of the man's scalp was obviously scarring from the burns he'd suffered, and some of the students were having trouble hiding their laughter. After putting down their bags by the table they'd be using, the toon-girl and her bushy-haired friend quietly made their way to the front of the class. The formerly greasy-haired professor eyed them with a vicious sneer.
"What do you want, Potter?" he growled. He'd obviously made up his mind about her, and didn't look like the kind who'd forgive easily. He was somewhat surprised, although he concealed it well, when the two girls bowed their heads as Hari spoke.
"Sir, I'm sorry you got caught in the incident with the Sorting Hat last night. I wanted you to understand that, as a toon, I don't always have full control over what happens near me. I really doubt anyone could have expected so many things to have been inside the hat, let alone that dragon. I wish that it hadn't happened, and I'd like to offer you this as an apology." She placed a jar on the table. The label announced it to be ACME brand Hair-gro tonic. "You've really got to be careful using it, as it's in a concentrated form. Uncle Elmer tried some once and we needed a fleet of ride-on mowers to keep his hair under control until it stopped growing. The instructions are on the jar." The two witches then returned to their table, leaving behind a Snape so bemused as to forget to be mean to anyone for the entire day.
The next class was Transfiguration, which they shared with the Gryffindors, and the well-prepared 'puffs were in place early. On the desk was a tabby cat, sitting with dignity. Although Hermione wanted to go over and pet it, having something of a soft spot for cats, her rabbit-girl friend managed to convince her otherwise. "Look, Professor McGonagall's not here yet," called the redhead boy from the train, Ron Weasley, Hari thought. With him were two other Gryffindor boys, a little after the class bell had rung. "I told you Seamus, Dean, she's a real pussycat about being late..."
Everyone in the class was startled when the 'real pussycat' turned out to have been the tabby on the desk, as she sprang from her seat, and transformed in midair. As she was berating the lack of punctuality from the boys, Hermione turned to her friend. "That was wicked, I wonder if she'll teach us how to do... Hari?" the young witch waved her hand through the Hari-shaped dust cloud, then looked up. Hari didn't respond well to surprises, it seemed, as she was clinging to the ceiling with her fingers and toes. "Hari, class is in session, stop showing off Law five and get down here."