Something Happened.
It was in the way that Kate moved – hasty and timid and so very attentive to what she was doing when Betty was around. Betty just felt that something was off, just knew it in the way that Kate's body screamed at her, something's going on and I don't know how to handle it!
Betty knew it. In the secret looks, the shy smiles, the exhilaration that seemed to run through Kate's body when he passed - she had seen it, but still didn't want to see it. She just could not. It did not work, did not fit in her image of them. She could try to squeeze it in, but she knew it wouldn't be right. Still she could not face it.
So she waited, waited for the moment that Kate came over, sat on her bed, took out the nail-polish as an excuse and touched her hand and her heart, because feeling this hurt was better than feeling nothing.
„Something happened," Kate finally admitted after a long pause, paying the closest attention to not smudge the polish over the rims of Betty's perfectly short cut nails – the best worker that she was. "Something I did not mean to happen."
„Uh-huh," Betty just made disconnected, causing Kate to cautiously look up and recognize that Betty already knew – how could she not? A breeze of fear and emptiness crept across Kate's alert skin. „I don't know what to do. What do I do?"
„You're really asking me?" Betty wanted to pull her hand back and lash out, but she just could not – the touch too precious and herself being just too stunned in that moment that Kate actually had the nerve to ask her about relationship advice.
Kate looked completely lost at Betty, though. Who else was she going to ask? No one else could give her the answer that she was going to need. She needed Betty. She needed her permission, her blessing. She needed her.
Kate did not know what to say and her mouth just stood open in helplessness - she just felt drawn to him. What was she supposed to do? She never was able to explore those feelings before.
The riddled look on Kate's face gave Betty enough, though. Kate simply was not that stupid. She had to know. A fury of passion and rage soared up Betty's chest and she leaned forward, explaining, „Kate, I love you," with a hurtful mass of earnestness in her voice, her eyes glazing. „How long does it take?"
Kate shrank back by Betty's outburst and looked down, not being able to handle the amount of love being thrown at her.
„I know," she admitted shyly and wanted to strangle herself, because she definitely did not deserve that love from Betty now.
Betty looked confused. She had not exactly expected that answer. Hadn't that been the problem? That Kate did not fully realize?
„Then what?" Betty asked perplexed and then more uncontrolled when Kate avoided her eyes, "For gods sake - then what!?" Betty hit the mattress between them and at this point she felt like she could tear a 1000 pages big phone book apart with her bare hands - that much impatience, feeling like strength, was coursing and tumbling through her veins right now.
For the tiniest moment Kate was scared – the mattress shaking beneath them by the impact of Betty's fist, but that feeling was quickly replaced by the deepest sadness, when Kate realized how profound this actually was for Betty. Betty loved her. Really. And she was just a breath away from owning that.
"I want to love you," Kate explained and it brought tears to her eyes. She reached her hand out to grasp Betty's wrist - she could not allow Betty to pull back. Betty had to know that she meant it. "Even though it's wrong."
Raw and torn open, Betty's gaze shifted between Kate's. Kate's grey-blue pools of disarming candor were shimmering with tears, but they were not exactly desperate. They had regret in them, yes, a lot of love and a bit of sadness, but mostly it was a plea speaking out of them – a plea to be understood.
Betty slowly leaned back, a coldness rushing through her body by the message being absorbed in her system bit by bit. She understood. But it still felt like losing a complete world.
Trying to deal and accept, Betty let herself fall back on her bed, the air heavily leaving her lungs. She closed her eyes and slowly extracted her arm from Kate's fingers, not being able to handle the contact at this moment, though she should actually be used to being rejected by now.
"I think you need to go now," Betty said detached and felt like she was falling into that lonely, grey world again where it was just her. How should she ever manage to get out there?
"No, Betty," Kate said alarmed, feeling Betty pull back already. "I love you."
"Yeah, you think that," Betty said and turned to the side – away from Kate, brushing her anew reached out hand away once more.
"I..." Kate did not know what to say. She could just stare at Betty's back, her blonde locks falling over her shoulders – their friendship lying beaten in front of her feet. The truth. "I don't want to lose you."
"Yes, and that's the worst!" Betty croaked, her heart crumbling to the ground – whatever she thought they had, they definitely did not have, if Kate thought that and played her because of it.
Kate just waited, not knowing if repeating what Betty meant to her would help it or only do it worse. So she said nothing. She only waited, because she said it all, and now she had to know what Betty made of it.
Silence permeated the room and Betty took some deep breaths to calm herself down and swallow everything that stood in between them right now, trying to get a clear head, feeling and knowing that Kate sat behind her, confused and helpless about what to do – her little lamb, expecting something, while she herself just could not break.
"You won't. Promise," Betty finally brought herself to say and explained, "You only think you will." She took a deep breath and secretly brushed some leaking tears away. "Love can't be forced. I know. I don't force you."
Kate could still only stare at Betty's back, feeling a kind of relief, though she still did not know where they were. "But..."
"Please be honest with yourself," Betty cut her off, feeling a certain emptiness build a hollow in her soul by every passing second and she just could not manage to lose more. "Go now."
Kate pressed her lips together, not pleased with leaving Betty like this, but she knew that eventually she had to. Betty would never want her there if she wanted to cry or lose it and she could understand. She did not like that either. So she stood up and slowly walked to the door, turning back when she touched the cold doorknob. "Are we...?"
Betty breathed in, getting in touch with all that she felt. But realizing that she actually definitely did not want to lose Kate either and that it felt like Kate would be a person that would always be there with all that they already had experienced together, she said with all the truth in her heart, "I'm not mad."
Kate nodded, opened the door and leaned herself against its side a moment longer, while she watched her best friend lying in bed in pain. She meant to brand the picture into her head to never forget how much Betty had done for her and how much she cared. "I love you."
A certain clearness washed over Betty then by hearing those words spoken again - soft-spoken and true, but missing that certain touch of deep- and rawness.
"Ya can't give me what I want, golden throat," Betty said, bitter but open eyed.
The words brought a smile to Kate's lips and she turned to go. Betty had her snark in her voice, but not in a dark way, and Kate knew, eventually it would be okay.