They tramped along in morbid silence, somehow the three of them fit, healthy and deadly marines made afraid of the dark and the invisible eyes watching.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep," Ash burst out loudly, breaking the silence. "But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep."
Shepard let go of a breath she hadn't known she was holding, and some of the fear lessened. "The woods are kinda ugly right now, dark and deep. And no one uses miles as a unit of measurement anymore because this isn't the twentieth century, Chief."
Ash frowned. "You're too literal. You know that?"
"I'm too not literal."
"Are too."
"Am not."
Shepard laughed and it was like the sun bursting through a raincloud. Kaidan sighed and shook his shoulders, the past hour of tense walking finally broken. He wandered ahead, picking his pace up and using his Ka-Bar to cut an easy path as Shepard guarded their rear and Ash held the centre.
Shepard elbowed Ash in the side, grinning. "All I'm saying is why bother with poetry and romance, when a quick 'we'll bang, ok?' gets them where you want them ninety-nine-per-cent of the time? No fuss, no muss. On you hop, soldier, and ride that stallion."
Ash burst out laughing and shoved her playfully back, clear water sloshing around their ankles. They were on a path past the mud they had found, some kind of stream or worn animal path. Inexplicably, Shepard seemed to remember the water further into the swamp being black, but the further they moved away, the clearer it became.
The strangeness of that fact was lost on her, her brain heavy and fuzzy.
"Who the hell have you been dating, woman?"
Shepard winked. "Who said I date?"
"Well, whatever. If there's no muss, you're not doing it right, Shepard."
She smiled at Shepard with a twinkle in her eye and raised her voice to turn and call ahead, "What's your opinion on muss, Kaidan? Yay or nay?"
He slowed to let them catch up with him and bit his lip, smiling. Shepard was a little stunned at the transformation. Only minutes ago she could have said he looked forty-five. She thought worriedly that there may have been some truth to what the asari said about the swamp life. It seemed to be draining them, pulling them down into bad feelings. Now with the atmosphere broken, Kaidan looked his age, young and happy. She could barely even notice the tiny fleck of grey in his hair by his temples, when it was all she could notice ten minutes ago.
"Uh, what?" he blurted, smiling at her uncertainly. "Why do I feel like I just walked into a trap?"
"Walk on, marine," Shepard barked, laughing and shooed him ahead by shoving him in the back. "It's big girl talk."
"Aye, aye, ma'am." He threw her a fake salute and took point again, sending her a suspicion-filled glance.
"I'll have you know, I have had plenty of muss in my time," Shepard whispered to keep her voice from straining ears belonging to one curious Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. "I do things fine."
"Uh huh," Ash hummed, smile in her voice. Shepard could tell she highly doubted she did any kind of mussing fine, and secretly Shepard agreed. It was nothing to write home about. Drunk and disorderly wasn't as fun as it sounded. So many wasted nights.
Her thoughts turned bitter, thinking of her last shore leave and how she spent it alone, drunk in bars, a nameless man and margaritas her only refuge from bad memories.
She knew they only added to the bad, but couldn't bring herself to be alone with her thoughts. The memories had a way of creeping up, and it had been worse that shore leave before the Normandy. Her last medical had indicated early onset arthritis in her bad arm. It needed surgery or would potentially put her career in jeopardy. She would have to face the prospect of surgery and recovery time after the Saren business was over and she couldn't quite deal with her old life intruding into the one she had clawed for herself in the Alliance. Even perhaps the one she had tentatively made with Kaidan and the Normandy crew.
It not for the Reds, if not for her mother, if not for her early bouts with malnutrition and harsh winters, her arm would be fine, and she wouldn't wake up in cold weather with an ache and have to gulp down meds that the Alliance doctor prescribed.
Most of the time it was fine, the lightened gravity in space putting less pressure on it.
Sometimes though… she considered getting major surgery to fix it once and for all. Even then the docs said with a full reconstruction there were no guarantees, and she wasn't sure she could afford it anyway. Anderson had offered to help on the sly, but she had refused. He wasn't her father. She had to make her own way in life, and basic Alliance healthcare didn't fund that kind of surgery.
"So, you're gonna try your pick up line on shore leave?" Ash asked, sending Shepard a conspiratorial wink and motioning to Kaidan walking ahead. Shepard was pulled from her morbid thoughts, where the shadows crept up on her and the trees pressed in. She blinked and Ash's happy face intruded, the shadows retreating to the edges, and the whispers quieting. That was right. She had a shore leave to look forward to. One she hopefully wouldn't be spending alone.
"'Cause I gotta say, I don't think he'll care if you use poetry, or 'get on the floor and give me twenty'. You've got him good."
Shepard sniffed and looked away from her teasing, laughing eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about. But yes. I think I'll go with the banging line. Simple, sweet. Gets my point across. None of this wishy washy woods stuff."
Ash frowned. "It's not about the woods, Shepard. It's about having things to do, promises to keep, and until they're done, there's no rest and no death. I wanted to say something else."
"What?"
"I know I tease, but I've asked him and he avoids it…"
"What?" Shepard asked again, impatient.
"Just make sure this," Ash's eyes darted to Kaidan, "is a shore leave only thing, OK? Things have a way of getting complicated when you mix business and relationships."
Shepard ignored the pounding of her heart and managed to say evenly, "Of course. The team is important to me."
Eager to move off that topic she said, "So tell me about the woods?"
"Not if you're gonna mock the poem."
"I don't mock. I gently criticize. So what?" Shepard asked, drawn into the argument despite her lack of interest in poetry. "It's saying you're not even allowed to die in peace? That seems pretty shitty. Dignity in death is the one thing a person should be afforded, no matter who they are in life."
"No." Ash shook her head. "Not when there are things to do. The poem can be interpreted as a metaphor for death, for struggling through life."
"Well. That's cheerful," Shepard scoffed. "Can we go back to talking about sex now? I've had enough of people dying to last me for a while. This place is depressing enough."
Ash's eyes drifted to the canopy, weak sunlight dappling green onto her face. She took a deep breath and Shepard was struck by how very beautiful she was and how much Shepard had begun to count on her steady presence.
"The woods are a seduction, a way to lie down and forget everything," Ash explained, plucking a red flower from a stem and paused to gently thread it into Shepard's hair.
Shepard could smell its heady perfume. It was like a poison, almost a tangible thing that crept up her nose, and into her lungs, her bloodstream, and her heart. Shepard sighed. It was beautiful, the realness of this place, especially the further they moved away from its rotten heart. Beautiful and terrible. The brutality, the rot, the brief life that burnt hard and fast like a candle, and was ended, only to renew from the death of something greater than itself. She had never felt more human, more primitive, or more natural.
"They're oblivion, they're a way to let go. They're rest."
"I can't rest, and I can't let go," Shepard muttered.
"It's a poem about life, and what it's about. How we struggle through even when it would be so much easier to lie down and give up. It's about not even stopping for death when you have promises to keep and things to do. When you have things to live for." Ash smiled, and then they picked up their pace to catch up with Kaidan who was standing further along the path, waiting with his knife gripped ready. He was frowning again, so Shepard smiled at him. His eyes brightened.
"I really like it. I like to think it's about not giving up. Williams' have never been quitters," Ash said, in the voice of a woman who was a clear poetry snob. Shepard almost laughed at her. "I mean, Frost is no Tennyson who is my clear favorite. But he's alright."
"I'm just not a huge fan of death. Or metaphors. Or dying. Or words, really. Gimme something to shoot and something to drink, and I'm good to go. Maybe throw in a Blasto movie and some chocolate and I'm really happy."
"Like I said before, you're too literal. I like those things too, but you've got to have other things in life. You have family? How do you spend your leave?"
"I have no family. I just sorta get by doing my thing. It's fun," Shepard said, and even to her own ears it rang hollow.
"Oh. Do you spend Christmas with friends or-?"
"Nope."
Shepard shook her head. "Don't really celebrate and um, all my friends are on the Normandy. Spent it once with a boyfriend when I was twenty-two. Had been with him for about a year but I barely saw him, he was an engineer with the Alliance but stationed on a colony. I was very focused on my career and progressing through the Ns. It was pretty much just sex for me, but I guess he felt something more. He was sweet, but saw me for something other than what I was, I think. Little wife material, maybe. I sorta saw the signs too late that he had fallen in love."
Shepard sighed. "Men aren't my forte. Anyway, he tried to propose to me in front of a Christmas tree for some insane reason, so I dumped him. I think his name might have been Mark or Mack or something like that."
She hummed in thought.
"Maybe Tristan… ah well, result was the same. I think he told me my heart was made of stone or some other dramatic bullshit and ran off. Pity, I counted him as a good friend for a while there."
Shepard shrugged. It was less than five years ago, but already his memory had faded. She supposed that said enough to know he was a mistake from the beginning.
"You dumped him?" Ash asked, her eyebrows skyrocketing again and her voice rising a little in incredulity. Kaidan glanced back, his frown firmly fixed on his face. "For proposing?"
"Yeah. I told him I didn't wanna get married so many times. That I didn't wanna do the whole family thing. Not my idea of a good time. He wanted things from me I could never give. Shame, he was a bit of a tiger in the sack. And I guess he was a good, kind man. I dunno."
"Wow. OK." Ash made an effort to wipe the expression off her face, but Shepard saw it.
There Shepard went, seeming like a bitch again. She felt like slapping her hands over her mouth and calling her honest words back.
"I mean, that's normal, right?" she asked Ash. "You wouldn't break up with a guy for proposing?"
"Uh no, actually. I think I'd just say thanks but no thanks, and um, if I liked him keep the relationship going. But I'm thinking you didn't like him very much."
"No. He was fine. I dunno. I just couldn't be bothered to deal with his feelings." She winced. "Yeah, OK, that sounds bad, doesn't it?"
Ash said nothing so Shepard forged ahead, fumbling awkwardly. "Um, so yeah, cross poetry and the inner workings of men's heart off my speciality list. Stick to pistols, biotics and I dunno, the complete listing of the species of deer in particular the United North American States ones and to a lesser extent around the world. If there's any deer off Earth, don't ask me though."
"You know them?" Ash asked, and Shepard laughed, feeling supremely stupid for bringing it up. Shepard's days stuck in medical and shore leave induced boredom were dark and dangerous days indeed. She spent it watching TV and flicking cards into an old hat while sitting in her underwear and letting her hair go greasy.
"All sixty-three. Good memory sometimes. I was bored on shore leave for about five weeks probably about a year or two ago now. Spent it in a motel with the wide range of galactic channels and nothing but nature programs on TV."
"Skipper, you are the weirdest CO I have ever had, and I say that with all affection."
"Thanks, Ash. That warms my heart."
"You can't read, can you, ma'am?" Ash said and then blushed, mortified to realize her faux pas in just blurting it right out to her CO's face.
Shepard coughed, feeling stupid and exposed. "Um, no. Not really. I mean, enough to get by. I'm not completely mentally deficient. Alliance sent me into all sorts of remedial classes to make up for my lack of school attendance. But I've just uh, never been terribly good at it. I get bored. I prefer the 'See Spot Run' books. Hand me a kid's book and I'm good. Once we get into the multiple syllable thing, well, crimes against nature are committed."
Ash slanted her a shy, furtive look. The gloom was encroaching again and despite her armor Shepard shivered with cold. "We could read some poetry together when we get back to the Normandy, if you like? You could tell me some deer facts."
"No, thanks," Shepard said flatly. She didn't need pity or fixing. She was fine with being how she was. "I think I'm beyond hope. Besides it's not very appropriate."
"Of course," Ash said, remembering she wasn't just speaking to a friend but a CO. "You're right, ma'am. My apologies."
Shepard softened, feeling bad for going all hardass just because her mouth ran away from her and told Ash far more than she ever wanted her to know.
"Thanks, Ash. That's very kind of you, though."
Shepard jogged a bit further ahead, making excuses she wanted to scout with Kaidan.
Deep down she just knew it was because she wanted to walk beside him and forget about the past and the future for a little while.
Shepard knew by the time on her omni-tool that the sun had long since sunk past the horizon, but they had lost all light before then. They practically stumbled in the dark, and Shepard was starting to regret not settling down in the last clearing for the night. They were in no real danger of getting lost. Normandy sent them continuous pings from their Lagrangian point that made their omni-tool's directions accurate down to the millimetre.
They could be exhausted, uncomfortable, and water-logged, though. And they could still be injured by a nasty fall, or fall into hidden, deep puddles to drown by the weight of their armor. It took two minutes at bare minimum to shed armor, and that was in a well lit room, not panicked. Flailing around in the water would be more than enough to be pulled to the bottom, and have all breath stolen. They'd passed a dead monkey in a pool a klick back. He'd obviously fallen in and not had the strength or grip to claw out of the sides of the muddy pool again. His claw marks had been drying on the sides of the deep puddle, his bright red hair fanning in the dirty water.
"Hold," Shepard called. "We need to rest until morning. I know it's not ideal but we're not risking our lives. We'll sleep in shifts. The asari said the swamp was safe but I'm not inclined to believe them anymore. Ash, you take first watch, I'll take second, and Kaidan, you'll take last."
There was a chorus of 'Aye, aye, ma'am's and Shepard nodded, satisfied when Kaidan lay down on a strip of relatively dry moss and Ash took a perch on a high log for a good vantage point.
Shepard lay down, uncomfortable in her armor and cold. She'd taken second watch knowing it was the worst and she would have interrupted sleep, but she just hoped the other two would get some good rest. She also sincerely hoped mould wasn't growing on her already. She had a feeling she was out of luck on that count.
She shut her eyes and the next time she opened them it was to chaos.
"Get up, Shepard! Ash is gone. Something is here," Kaidan yelled, dragging her up.
Shepard stumbled to her feet, trying to shake off the strange sleep that had stolen over her.
"What?" she blurted, looking around for Ash. She could barely see in the gloom, but it felt empty, like if she just took one step she would fall into the abyss and never recover.
"Ash!" she called.
"Shh. Something's watching us," Kaidan murmured fiercely. "It's what woke me. I feel it. My teeth are tingling."
The air was heavy again, the water black around Shepard's ankles. She tried to manifest her omni-tool to look at the time, but the black seemed to swallow its light and no matter how hard she tried to read it, she couldn't see the time.
"I feel like I'm blinded, Kaidan. I think Ash should have woken me hours ago. What's going on?" she whispered back, groping in the dark for his shoulder to orient herself.
"I don't know. There are things moving out there."
Shepard's breath puffed out in white clouds, the temperature freezing against reason. She gripped her pistol so hard her knuckles popped.
There was a swish and then a thump and she realized Kaidan had been knocked to the ground by something. Seconds later, something flew at her face. She felt a sharp sting, a wound in her cheek opened deeply, and blood gushed into her mouth.
She stumbled away. "Lieutenant! With me. Get up."
She knew what had killed those animals now. Something had slit their throats. Flaps of skin from her cheek hung open.
"Shepard!" She felt, rather than saw him get up, and move towards her voice. His shoulder bumped into hers.
"What are they?" he whispered, his voice thick with fear. "Something tried to cut my throat open."
"I don't know. Birds maybe? We'll see how they like it when I stick them in a Singularity."
Shepard raised her arm, calling her tidal forces to bear their considerable power. She wasn't afraid of some alien birds, monsters, whatever the darkness was. She was strong with the power of gravity at her command. She'd make her own blue light, and send it out into the dark.
Nothing happened. She didn't even flare.
She thrust her hand out again, thinking she just made the incorrect mnemonic for Singularity for the first time in years.
Again, nothing happened. Panic bubbling was up her throat. She was half-blinded, and her best and strongest power failed her.
She tried to form a barrier. It was like trying to turn a TV on with no electricity.
Something in her brain wouldn't connect. Nothing fired, and she was left stubbornly in the darkness. She even tried just to form a useless biotic sphere in her palms, but they remained empty.
"Lieutenant!" she barked, voice weak and thready. She didn't know what was happening. Another creature rushed into her face, opening a deep cut right through her eyebrow. Blood streamed into her already vision-hampered eyes. She stumbled back, nearly falling over an unseen log and felt Kaidan almost knocked over again beside her. He grunted in pain.
"My biotics. They're not working! Oh god, why aren't they working?"
"Shepard?"
"Kaidan. I can't do anything."
Wham!
This time something hit her with terrible force in her stomach, and she was thrown across the clearing. She landed face first into muddy water and felt a force settle itself onto her back.
She couldn't breathe. She gulped down lungfuls of mud, bugs and who knew whatever else was in the water. She flailed, trying to free herself, but the force just pressed harder, bending her spine. She was going to die. She was going to be drowned in a puddle or her spine snapped. She was going to be left there to rot.
A hand was on her face. Someone was trying to turn her over, struggling with the force. She felt his arms wrap around her shoulders and turn her over, and suddenly the force lessened and retreated.
She gasped air as her face was freed from the puddle, Kaidan dragging her upright.
"Oh my god," he said, pulling her limp body through the mud and rolling her onto her side and into the recovery position. "Are you alright? Holy shit. What was that?"
Shepard didn't answer. She was too busy vomiting water, cereal, and all the coffee she had drank that day. Her stomach heaved, her lungs burned and her spine protested. Kaidan smoothed the hair off her forehead, holding her as she clawed at his arms, trying to gather herself.
She felt him flick his hand, his own mnemonic for her personal barrier, his speciality. She knew he was going to try and protect them from whatever stalked out there in the night, in the invisible darkness. With a barrier they could gather themselves, and make plans.
Nothing happened. His eyes didn't light up blue in the dark. Blue wisps didn't dance over his body.
They were two stars with their fire stolen.
So close up, by the weak light of his omni-tool she saw his mouth firm.
"My biotics aren't working either."