CHAPTER 5 Halo's POV

"My hands are searching for you. My arms are outstretched towards you, I feel you on my fingertips, my tongue dances behind my lips for you. This fire rising through my being, burning I'm not used to seeing you. I'm alive, I'm alive. I can feel you all around me, thickening the air I'm breathing. Holding on to what I'm feeling savoring this heart that's healing." Flyleaf: 'All Around Me.'

"Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid!" I pulled the sheet tighter around my shoulders, cringing every time my feet struck the cold wooden floor. It was the middle of January and it felt like Pend rarely ever turned on the heat. I sat on the top stair, leaning heavily against the banister. I was so fucking stupid. I knew Pend would see through my Sidhe glamour eventually but I had used the magic anyway. Fucking hell, I was so fucking stupid!

It would be a miracle if he ever spoke to me again after this. I was only half Sidhe but I knew I had enough glamour to make Pend see his wife instead of me; it was just my luck that it had worn off before I'd gotten what I wanted. Sex with Pend; a moment of pleasure to even out the pain of Ryan's murder. A seven percent solution as Sherlock Holmes had called it, I wasn't sure what percentage I would have gotten had my plan worked. Seven seemed, to me, too grand a number.

I let my full weight fall against the banister, running my fingers through my hair repeatedly. "Damn it Ryan," I could only whisper it, sliding my arms around my knees protectively.

"Wake up lover," Someone was shaking my shoulder. "You're squishing me." More shaking but this time it was more urgent. "Come on, I'm loosing circulation! Halo get up!"

I rolled to the left, pulling the thick blanket with me and over my head, hiding from the light of the room.

"Goddamn it Halo." Frantic pushing on my lower back. "Don't just go back to sleep! Get up you minx!"

I kicked my foot backwards, felt it connect with the hard muscle of his shin.

"Son of a bitch! Alright, you're so gonna get it now!" The blankets were completely stripped away, leaving me curled on my side in only a large T-shirt and my boxers. I tried to bury my face into the pillow but it was take away too and then I felt two large hands grab onto my ankles and pull sharply. My own hands shot out and latched onto the headboard; the hands on my ankles moved to my calves and tightened painfully.

"Let me go!" I gnashed my teeth, looking back without opening my eyes. "I wanna sleep!"

"I don't care. It's after noon, you've slept long enough. Now, come on!" More tugging and the hands let go; I relaxed. Then, suddenly, the hands grabbed me around the middle and lifted me bodily from the bed, tossing me over a wide shoulder.

"Hey! Put me down!" I yelled, squirming wildly.

One hand slapped my ass playfully. "Oh, I will...Eventually."

"Damn it Ryan!"

He just laughed. "You should have gotten up when I asked."

I wiped at my eyes, I didn't want the tears visible even though there was no one there to see them. I hated to cry and my Grandmother had told me that I'd rarely cried when I was a child, not even when I was hurt. She and Grandpa had worried that I kept everything bottled inside so for my tenth birthday the bought me a trumpet and I had put every emotion into the songs I learned and the ones I made up. I would have to get it from my house before I left for the West Coast.

"Mister Spencer, are you alright?"

I turned slightly and saw Pend's ward, Constance, in a long robe and holding a candle a few feet away from where I sat. She looked at me sheepishly.

"I thought I heard someone crying..." Her voice trailed off.

I tried not to wipe my eyes again but it's an automatic response when someone says they've heard you. Constance handed me a tissue from the robe's pocket.

"Thank you," I murmured without looking at her, something about her, something I couldn't really put my finger on made me feel weird around her.

"Are you hurt in some way Mister Spence?" She asked and sat beside me, folding the length of her robe beneath her daintily.

"Not physically,"

"But you hurt emotionally?"

I nodded. "Yeah,"

"I'm sorry for your pain." She laid her hand on my shoulder and I deftly shrugged it off as that odd feeling started to get more powerful.

"Never apologize for something you have no control over, especially when you don't know how someone will react to your pitying them." I said acidly.

She was silent, which was the normal response, and it was why I had said it. Constance sat quietly for several minutes until she turned to me, blatant curiosity spread across her features. "Why did Aloysius bring you here yesterday?" She asked as politely as she could but it still lacked tact.

I wet my lips, knowing the truth was the best way to go. I could tell she was the type of person that valued the truth no matter how hurtful it could be; she was the type of person that wouldn't think any differently of me just because I was gay. I liked people like that; they were worldly souls like my Grandmother.

"My lover was murdered. Pend and I are certain that a serial killer was responsible for his death." I said.

"Your lover was a man?" She asked and she only sounded surprised and it made me happy to have judged her character correctly.

"His name was Ryan Elmasy." I told her. "We were in love."

"I'm sorry for you loss Mister Spencer, I do know quite how you feel."

Nobody knew how I felt. No-one but me knew what it was like to love Ryan and be loved by him, no-one knew what my heaven had been like and I would never know what it was like ever again. Those pearly gates were closed to me forever. I looked up at Constance to tell her just that, it was actually the first time I had really looked at her since Pend had introduced us. The candle she held illuminated her face, and the light reflected off eyes that were purple. Not dark blue or that black-ish green color but purple and they had a... a weight to them I couldn't find a name for. Old, somehow ancient; somehow they seemed to look into my soul.

I suddenly forgot what I wanted to say and when I found my voice again, I knew it was different. "Thank you for the kind words," I said softly, tearing my gaze from hers before I got lost in it; I stood. "I'm going back to bed now..."

"Goodnight Mister Spencer, sleep well." She smiled at me but I had already turned around, heading to Pend's room. I wondered how she felt about that, wondered if Pend even knew she worshipped the ground he walked on. Probably not, he really could be oblivious sometimes.

Pend sat on the edge of his bed, his hair mussed from where I'd run my fingers through it. His expression was meant to appear open and honest but he only looked tired to me.

"Halo," He began softly.

I held up my hand to stop him. "I didn't mean to hurt you or to make you angry with me Pend. I just... I just wanted to feel loved and needed. I know I shouldn't have used magic and I shouldn't have cast glamour on you. I'm so sorry Pend but you don't have to forgive me if you don't think I'm worthy of it."

I tensed, waiting for the outburst of righteous anger or even Pend voicing his disappointment. I didn't deserve his forgiveness. If I had been in his shoes at that moment, I knew I wouldn't forgive my actions.

He sighed, stood before me with his hands on my shoulders. "I forgive you Halo and I understand why, however-"

I clutched at his wrists. "I won't ever do that to you or to anyone else ever again. I swear it."