The Misadventures of Mike and Mew
Chapter 2: A Likely Twisted Account of the Origin of the Pokémon Universe
Author's Note: This has been a very productive day for me storywise. Most all of the idea's I've been preparing for a while now are finally blossoming into beautiful (i.e. humorous; perhaps slightly perverted) works of Fan Fiction. This was originally intended to be a one-shot to provide a background story for this fic's world. However, once the Raticate King arc came to mind, the first part of this chapter was made from it.
Enjoy!
"Hey, Mike, what's up?"
Michael turned to his life-long companion from the laptop on his desk. "I'm writing a fanfic."
Michael was a relatively short, broad-shouldered teenager (5 ft, 2 in) with reasonably well-tanned skin. He had dark brown hair that was spiked up to the right at the bangs. His eyes were dark brown like his hair and always seemed serious. He wore a simple orange short-sleeved hoodie over a black shirt with the outline of a Charizard in a neon light blue, and a pair of blue pants (they aren't jeans, though). He also wore a pair of short fingerless black gloves with neon green lining and a pair of black and grey sneakers with lining of the same neon green.
Mew groaned, "Seriously? Why would you want to do that?"
Michael shrugged in a nonchalant manner, "Well, I figure the author is too lazy to do one himself since he has written anything since 2009 in Lemmy's Land, so I decided to take things into my own hands."
…Just because you two aren't the main stars in a fic doesn't mean I've been completely inactive. Assholes. That stuff isn't even canon anymore, so how do you know that?!
They ignored him and went on. Mew was floating over Mike's head, looking upon him in a condescending manner and chastised, "You really shouldn't. Fanfic writers are sad, pathetic, desperate men and women with no lives of their own… Y'know, like the author."
Okay SERIOUSLY! What the ####, Mew?! Now you're just mocking me!
"If you're that 'concerned' about this why don't you help? You're a Legendary; you're exactly what I need for this project." Michael countered, attempting to bait Mew in.
Mew brought a paw to his/her chin and considered this. "Well, the thing is that I wasn't actually there... y'know, since we were born at the exact same time and the exact same room." Mew noted with an irritated tone.
Mike waved it off, "Please, that's too logical to be a hindrance."
"…True, but it isn't by the "I don't give a crap rule", so goodbye!"
Mew tried floating away but Michael grabbed his/her tail and pulled him/her back, "Nice try, but you're not getting off easily."
Mew swatted away his hand and glared at the boy, "How many times have I told you not to grab my tail!" he/she cried.
"Are you going to help?" Mike asked impassively in response.
Mew kept glaring at him for awhile, but eventually sighed and answered, "Fine. I'll help. Just don't do that again."
The teen gave a thumbs up, "All right! Now let's do-"
"But first-!" Mew gave Michael a Mach Punch to the balls.
Mike clutched at his privates in pain, "Ohhh… alright, I probably deserved that."
"Yes you did. Now get up so we can start this thing!"
After Michael recovered, he got back on his laptop and started writing…
In the beginning of the Pokémon universe, there was only a vortex of chaos and darkness. Then from within this darkness, a voice said "Let there be light". Then, from that vortex came an egg. This egg soon hatched into Arceus, the Alpha Pokémon, and the first Pokémon to ever exist. Arceus technically doesn't HAVE a gender, so to speak, but it is known as either male or female depending on the person or Pokémon that encounters it.
Arceus then made three beings from itself as it began to shape the Pokémon world with its 100 (seemingly non-existent) arms. These beings became known as Dialga, "the Master of Time", Palkia, "the Ruler of Space", and Giratina, who originally had no power. Giratina was quite miffed by this development and decided to take it out on its siblings and Arceus; who responded by sealing the Renegade Pokémon away in the Distortion World.
Arceus referred to this as an "Eternal Time-out".
It was there Giratina was granted its own power as the "Lord of Antimatter". Together with its siblings, they would be responsible for maintaining the fabric of the universe. Giratina would eventually calm down and be granted its freedom when the time would come for it to intervene in the insane plot of a certain sociopath with blue hair.
Arceus next created an egg from itself. From this egg emerged three more entities: Azelf, "Being of Willpower", Uxie, "Being of Knowledge", and Mespirt, "Being of Emotion". Together they comprised what is referred to as "spirit".
To maintain the world's energy balance Arceus made a single draconic entity for this task. For the purposes of this tale it shall be referred to as "Origirum". This being had power that rivaled even Arceus, though the latter would still win were they to fight.
When came to creating the Earth, Arceus created yet another set of three beings: Groudon, who shaped the continents, Kyogre, spreader of the oceans, and Rayquaza, who made the atmosphere fit for living.
The Pokémon universe had been created, but all was not well. It was here that the ultimate nightmare was born. This entity was born from what remained of the vortex of chaos that the universe started out as and desired to reset it to that original state. It is no Pokémon, but a demonic presence of pure destruction-
This entity was Missingno.
Arceus called upon its children to help it combat this threat to all creation, and together they succeeded in sealing it away. However, shards of it would appear much later when unusual conditions were met, though these occurrences became less and less frequent as time went on until they stopped altogether.
Arceus then decided its new world required more than plant life and such in order to truly make use of the gift of spirit created when its smallest children were born (that, and things would get really boring, really fast without us). So, it created the first two humans and the first mortal species of Pokémon: Mew.
The Mews were known as the original pimps of the Pokémon universe-
"#### yeah we are!" do I even need to state who said this?
The Mew were known as the original pimps of the Pokémon universe, as they were created for sole purpose of having sex over and over in order to distribute all of the genes bequeathed to them in order to bring almost all other Pokémon species into existence. For that reason, they were given both male and female sex organs and an incredibly long life-span to do this task.
However, they and the humans began to enjoy this task far too much, so Arceus lifted the incest protection he had placed upon both species in-order to place controls on them.
Though humans didn't have to worry about this for a few several generations, the Mew continued and didn't learn until they produced an off-shoot species known as Ditto. Thankfully, by the time the Mews' jobs were completed, they had brought every non-manmade Pokémon into existence. Their first creations, now known as Fossil Pokémon, eventually died out due to being less able to continue surviving than those who came after them.
"…And that is why most Mew tend to have an innocence about them." Mew explained.
"And why you have perverted tendencies?"
"Shut up! If the Ditto can mate with anything, so can I! …Shut Up!"
After things were made, Palkia noticed that a new sub-realm had been created from the dreams of mortals. This world would become known as the "Dream World", or the "Realm of Sleep". Two Pokémon were created by Arceus to govern this realm: Cresselia, the embodiment of dreams, and Darkrai, the embodiment of nightmares. While Darkrai caused bad dreams (mostly on accident), Cresselia drove them away. As more people and Pokémon were born, more of these two appeared.
After all of this was done, the world was stable… for a while.
Soon enough, a catastrophe enveloped the world- Groudon and Kyogre were fighting to death, threatening to destroy the entire world in the process. The reason for their conflict was unknown, but clearly it must have been for reasons mere mortals can never hope to comprehend.
"Actually…" Mew but in, taking control of the laptop from Michael.
The two titans faced each other of; Groudon on a slab of land, and Kyogre on the waves.
"KYOOOOOOOOOOOOGRRRRRRRRREE!" The Land Titan bellowed.
"GROOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUDON!" The Sea Titan roared in kind.
"THIS WILL SETTLE THIS!"
"ONCE AND FOR ALL!" The Titans then roared at the same time-.
"WHO WILL GET THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA?!"
Michael rolled his eyes, "Really, Mew?"
Mew held his/her paws up defensively, "Hey, I'm just trying to make a joke here."
"I know that, but I want this to be treated like a serious work."
Mew raised an (non-existent) eyebrow, "Are you serious?"
The pink kitty/bunny/fetus thing looked the teen straight in the eye. After a while, though, Mike broke down and started laughing hysterically.
Mew couldn't help but giggle a bit too, "I knew you wouldn't take this seriously."
The orange-clad boy wiped the tears off his face, "You know me too well."
"Besides," Mew added, a tone of mischief in his/her telepathic voice, "Wouldn't you want to piss those two off if you could?"
"Why?"
"Remember what they did to your copy of "Capsule Monsters Emerald'?"
Michael's eyes glazed over as he remembered the event, "I do remember them burning and freezing it muttering about 'playing favorites'..."
"Exactly the point. So it stands?"
"It stands."
Their conflict lasted for years, wrecking havoc and misery for all other life-forms. Life on Earth seemed almost destined to end. Then, when all hope seemed lost, the third member of their trio emerged, seeking to end their conflict.
Rayquaza had, up until that point, been content with watching over the skies it created. It wasn't until it noticed its siblings fighting had been greatly disrupting the atmosphere that Rayquaza became aware something wasn't right.
The Titan of the Sky found Groudon and Kyogre and forcefully ended their dispute. Rayquaza gave the two a chance to stop their conflict peacefully, but neither of them was willing to give in to its demands. Rayquaza let out a mighty roar that caused the titans of land and sea to fall into slumber for what was thought to be for eternity.
It wasn't until millions of years later that the two would be reawakened and would finally reach a peace after Rayquaza intervened again…
Arceus, seeing the three of them as too incompetent to rule over their own domains (yes, even Rayquaza do to his lack of care for what had happened until his skies threatened), set about creating two final Titan-class legendaries (until Pokémon X and Pokémon Y, of course).
These Pokémon were Ho-oh, Guardian of the Skies, and Lugia, Guardian of the Seas. The two were tasked with protecting the territories the previous trio had created (the author personally thinks there might be a third member that made its nest in the now-destroyed old tower that was replaced by the Goldenrod Radio Tower, but that is for another time).
A new kind of Legendary Pokémon was created by the volcanoes Groudon created. These Pokémon were Heatran, the embodiments of the planet's core.
Rayquaza, seeing Arceus's newest creations, decided to give life to its own legends. These creatures were Tornadus, Thundurus, and Landorus. The trio was meant to symbolize the heavens and their nourishing effect on Earth. However, the fights between Tornadus and Thundurus also represented the damaging effect the heavens can bring. Landorus was given the duty of breaking up his brothers' conflicts by Rayquaza like the dragon broke up Groudon and Kyogre's.
"I'm not sure where to go from here. Got anything, Mew?" Michael said, turning to the Pink Legend in question.
"Nah, my inherited knowledge ended at Groudon and Kyogre."
"Really? Shit."
"Guys?" Mike and Mew turned around and a girl with shoulder-length platinum blonde hair with a light green stripe popped her head out of the door, "We need to go. Now."
This girl was named Sarah, and was a friend to Michael and Mew. She had teal eyes, a mildly tanned complexion, and light platinum-blonde hair with bangs shoved to the left. What was particularly interesting about the hair was the light-green streak with pastel-blue musical notes vaguely visible; and this was surprisingly a natural feature. Her figure was pretty nice; not amazing, but good. She had a really sweet voice that accentuated her good-hearted nature, but belied her fierce temper and wit.
She wore a bright-green sleeveless hoodie over a pastel-blue blouse, pair of tan shorts of medium length, knee-length white socks, a pair of normal length white fingerless gloves with pale blue lining, and a pair of simple white sneakers with black lining.
"What the matter?" the boy asked, noting the urgency in her tone.
Sarah opened her mouth to explain but shut it as if she didn't want to say it. She sighed, "It's…it's too weird- just come out!"
"Too weird? C'mon! How weird could it possibly be?!" Mew questioned, "I may not have been raised like one would, but I AM a legendary. In case you haven't noticed after a whole year after our big journey- and during it- weird things are always drawn to us. So what's going-"
Sarah pulled up the blinds in the room so that the two soul brothers could see the huge Rattata family army marching across the street. "Is that weird enough for you?"
Michael and Mew just stared.
"…Fine, that is pretty weird," Mew admitted reluctantly, holding a paw to his/her head.
"Looks like a checkmate, my pink bro." Michael commented before heading with Sarah out the door (after fetching his Pokéballs, of course). Mew stared at the scene a moment more before leaving through the window.
When the three reached the streets, they saw that many of their neighbors (mostly the adults since they wouldn't want their kids there if things got nasty) were already at the scene; some simply curious, others tensed up ready for a brawl.
At this point, the Rattata and Raticate had the perimeter surrounded, none of the humans gathered able to get past them (unless, of course, you stepped over them, but the rodents could attack…). Then, however, a wooden chariot came down the middle of the street pulled along what appeared to be heinously mutated versions of evolved form of Rattata.
But this seemed tame compared to the creature that emerged. It seemed to be a human/Rattata hybrid experiment gone horribly wrong. It was wearing a billowing red cape over a black dress suit.
"…And it just reached maximum weirdness- what the hell?"
"Isn't that the thought everyone's mind?" A dull voice responded.
"Hrm?" Mike turned around, the others following suit. "Hey, Ethan!"
Ethan was a tall, lanky young man with blue eyes, light skin, bushy, curly black hair and a hint of a mustache. The teen wore a light blue buttoned shirt under a dark blue and grey sleeveless jacket. He also had on a pair of cargo pants, a pair of short grey gloves with orange lining, and a pair of white and grey sneakers with black lining.
"Yo…" He walked over to them with his usual straight face, eyes still on the mutated Raticate, "I would assume you don't know what that is, either? Did Mew start messing with DNA?"
"Please, I wouldn't do that after those Team Rocket funded guys heinously mutated my mom's fetus to make big brother Mewtwo!" Mew interjected, offended by his claim… but admitted after questioning looks from the others, "… okay, it's probably one of the few things I wouldn't try since direct interference of that kind could kill someone.'
Ethan nodded, "I thought so."
"ATTENTION, WORTHLESS HUMANS!" the mutant roared in a voice oddly reminiscent of Vincent Price, drawing the quad's attention back to the Rattata evolutionary family army, "Consider your reign over the world over…"
Ethan turned back towards his and noticed two of them missing, "Where did Mike and Mew go?"
Sarah turned to Ethan and then back towards the center of the action and found the answer to that question… to which, she started had to stifle the laughter that came out, clutching at her sides.
The black-haired teen raised an eyebrow at this, "What's so funny?"
Sarah said nothing and pointed back towards Ratigan. When Ethan saw what she was referring to, he facepalmed, "Yeah- that's not stupid at all..."
As the mutant rambled on, the M duo was brushing and tending to his fur, and bows and glitter to it for effect; silently chanting, "We're going to make you pretty, pretty…" to themselves…
"…You will be bread as livestock, and forced to feed only on our dead, and furthermore- Wait" He suddenly stopped, noting that people were starting to laugh at him, "What? What's so funny? Is there something humorous about being raped in the eye sockets? ANSWER ME!"
Mike and Mew quickly exited before Ratilina could see them as she pointed out, "Brother…"
Ratigan looked down at his sister, "Yes, what is it? Is there something on my face? Do I have a zit? Skin cancer?"
The almost Super Raticate gave the self-proclaimed Raticate King a mirror. When he saw what the two had done to him, he let out a feral roar of rage, eyes bulging out from their sockets, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHO DID THIS TO ME…?" He took a closer look in the mirror, "I look gorgeous…"
While everyone sweatdropped at his erratic behavior, he went on another mood swing, "WHO DID THIS TO ME?! WHO! TELL ME SO I CAN RIP OUT THEIR HEARTS!"
Everyone went still at this, fearing to provoke his wrath…
…Except from the duo responsible, who were proudly raising their hands.
Ratigan's eye twitched, "YOU TWO!" He then broke down crying childishly, "How could you MOCK ME LIKE THIS! WWWWAAAHHAH!"
"How else do you want us to mock you?" Mike playfully asked with a smirk.
The Super Raticate's eyes started going bloodshot and bulging as his fur bristled, breathing heavily in an attempt to control his rage, "Don't. Start with me…"
Ethan decided to join in the fun, "Fine, we'll just start with Carl here."
He pointed to a Tentacool in a pool.
You could hear something snap, ""FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU-!"
Ratilina stabbed him with a tranquilizer dart, his anger levels soon calming down before he could lose his mind. Much more relaxed, he patted his sister on the head, "Thank, dear sibling…" He turned back towards Mike, Mew, Ethan, and Sarah, "As for you… you don't realize what you're DEALING WITH!"
With that, the Raticate King pulled something out of his coat…
…a stick.
"BEHOLD! GAZE UPON THE ULTIMATE WEAPON IN FEAR AND AWE!" He screamed as he dramatically pointed it at the cloudy skies, thunder clapping in the distance.
Everyone seemed confused by this statement, even some of the Rattata and Raticate under him.
"It's a stick." Mew deadpanned.
"THIS IS NOT JUST ANY STICK!" Ratigan roared, still in that pose as he explained as thunder clouds started appearing above the neighborhood, "This is the stick Roxas used in Kingdom Hearts 365/2 Days as a replacement for his Keyblade that had been loaned to Xion to get hers back at Beast's Castle sent over a year back in time and space- IT IS THE STICK OF THE GODS!"
Lightning illuminated the skies and struck the stick with incredible force, electrocuting Ratigan and leaving him inches away from death yet leaving the stick in place. A spray from several Full Restore potions later from his minions and he was still standing.
"A STICK." Sarah deadpanned harder than her pink friend.
The Raticate King just glared down at them, "Just a stick, then?" The mutant roared with laughter, "All right then…" He pointed the stick towards the crowd, malice in his eyes, "I'll show JUST WHAT THIS STICK CAN DO!"
"Really?"
"Really… and to start off with, I'll destroy the person who's pissed me off the most here…"
He began searching out the crowd for his target, aiming his stick around them. Finally, he stopped and the target became clear…
"…I'll start with THAT FITLHY SLUTTY ATTENTION-HOGGING WHORE, CARL!"
Said Tentacool gurgled confusedly in response.
Suddenly, lightning came down from the skies at the stick's command and blew the jellyfish Pokémon to crispy blue chunks… it was an incredibly morbid sight.
Everything was silent as the people realized this wasn't just a comical mutated psycho, but a dangerous sociopath…
However, three teens and a Legendary Pokemon were ready to fight, rushing up to him in challenge…
Mm... well, things have taken a bit of a dark twist again, haven't they? Pretty quickly, too... still funnier than last chapter, though. If you don't know what Ratigan was talking about regarding the origin's of his stick- don't worry about it. It's not that important... you're free to do your research, however.
As always, be sure to review! Criticism is appreciated so long as it is constructive.