Hey everybody! I'm extremely sorry for the late update, I swear I was going to update yesterday but I simply forgot it… Seriously, I haven't got a better excuse! I hope you will forgive me though! :)
Thank you all for reading and I can't even tell you how happy I was to hear your opinions! I tried to answer every review and I would also like to thank those of you who left an anonymus review! Thank you all, you are my heroes! :)
Now, here is the new chapter, and RavenClaw01 here is what you asked for! ;) I really hope you all will like it even though it's kind of angsty!

Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine!

Chapter 5

Lisbon got home late that night. She was exhausted and needed nothing more than a hot bath. She was still quite angry about Jane sticking his nose into her private life. It wasn't his business anymore, so why did he care?

It bothered her that going out with Morrison felt like a wrong idea. And she knew it was because of Jane. Because a part of her heart still belonged to him. Maybe it always will...

While she prepared her bath in autopilot mode she shifted back to the months old memory she couldn't quite get out of her head 'til this day. The night he ended their relationship.

It was a beautiful day and Lisbon got home in a surprisingly cheerful mood. For the time of being she forgot all about the weird way Jane started to act those last days. He was a bit distant and fell into his old, melancholic self a lot. That day he seemed fine anyways. He even tried to have his wicked way with her in the office in the morning.
She checked her clock and saw that she still had a half an hour until he would arrive to her apartment. She stepped to the fridge and after a swift survey of the contents she decided to whomp some spaghetti up.
Lisbon worked quickly and as she mixed up all the ingredients she wondered if Jane would agree to spend Thanksgiving with her and her brothers. He probably would since she didn't know he would have anyone else to spend it with. She wasn't even sure he celebrated Thanksgiving. After all, however sad it was, he didn't have many things to give thanks for. She smiled at the thought of him with her brothers and their family. The four men would probably take turns to try and embarrass her with their stories. She was just draining pasta when she heard the three knocks on her door. They were really silent and almost shy. As much as she tried to dismiss it, the sound of them caused a sinister feeling rise in her.

"It's open!" she called and heard the opening of the front door. "Jane? I'm in the kitchen!" she said when after a moment she didn't hear any movement.

"Something smells delicious!" he said as he approached the kitchen counter. When he reached her he pressed a soft kiss to her temple, but by the time she turned to capture his lips with hers he passed by her and sat down at the table.

"Everything's fine?" she asked when she noticed his slightly troubled expression. He looked at her and Lisbon could see a mask cover his face as he smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, I was just taking a walk." He murmured and fidgeted with a napkin on the table.

"That's great! It was beautifully sunny today!" she smiled and turned off the stove. "All right, dinner is almost ready…" she told him and furrowed her eyebrows when he seemed too immersed in his thoughts to notice her. She regarded his face and a nervous knot started to form in the pit of her stomach. "Patrick? Is everything okay?" she questioned and she stepped closer to him. He turned his face towards her and she caught the look of utter inability and anguish in his eyes. "What's wrong? Tell me…" she prompted him as she squatted down beside him.

His lips curled into a gentle, but oh so blue smile. He reached out and caressed her cheek with his fingers. He was careful, his touch light as air. He cast down his eye and muttered something she couldn't understand. "What was that?" she asked and leaned closer.

"I'm so sorry…" he whispered and at last looked up at her again, straight into her eyes.

"For what Patrick?" she questioned, fearful of what was to come. His hands found hers and squeezed weakly before he dropped them and sighed.

"I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm really so sorry for not being able to be the man you deserve." he murmured and his tone was hoarse, his pained words cutting into her like knives. She didn't understand his meaning yet, but she knew it wouldn't end well.

"What do you mean? You are all I need!" she assured him and tried to ease it all with a smile. It didn't help much, only got a little sigh full of self-hatred.

"I can't go on like this anymore." he muttered and her heart sank. It couldn't be what it sounded like. It couldn't!, she tried to calm herself down. "I thought I could get over it. I thought I could start over. I thought I had the chance to do it with you. But I don't deserve it. And I certainly don't deserve you..." he turned his face away again and Lisbon fought hard to keep herself together in spite of feeling her whole world collapse around her.

He was breaking it off. Them.

"Patrick" she breathed, unable to keep her voice strong.

"I'm so sorry Lisbon. I just... It's like when he died." he said, carefully avoiding Red John's name. That wound was still too fresh. "I don't feel the change. Nothing has changed! I still feel empty and hollow..."

Lisbon shut her eyes closed as his words hit her like an iron fist. Her tears were stinging her eyes but she didn't want to cry in front of him. She pulled away from him but he reached after her and stopped her by the wrist.

"No, I don't mean it like that. Teresa..." he said her name so softly, so full of love that she wanted to cry. How could he say it like that when he didn't even feel that way? How could he lie to her when he knew her true feelings? Jane searched for her eyes and after a few moments she gave up and got lost in his crystal blue stare. "I believe you misunderstood my words. By saying nothing has changed I mean that my feelings for you haven't changed either. I still care for you. So much." he said and to punctuate his words he softly stroked her palm with his thumb. "But I can't get over them. They haunt my dreams, my thoughts. And so does he... When I'm with you, it's better. But I'm not there yet. I can not lead you on anymore. I can't expect you to wait until something happens. Because maybe nothing will happen, maybe I'm just simply too broken to be fixed."

"Jane please..." she begged him to stop. She wanted him to take it all back and just hold her tightly in his arms. Kiss her and make it go away.

"I'm so sorry Lisbon. I never meant to hurt you. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for it. For my weakness. I should have stayed away from you in the first place." he swayed his head and she felt like his last words were the final punch. She couldn't take anymore.

Lisbon, not caring that he was still there, sat down on the floor and slid back until her back hit the kitchen counter. She curled up, pulling her knees to her chest and she lowered her face into her arms. She let her tears run free and she shook with silent sobs.

"I'm so sorry..." she heard Jane's crushed whisper then felt his barely there kiss on the top of her head. The gesture made her cry even more violently but she held it back until she heard the closing of her front door.

Then all hell broke loose...

She didn't know how much time passed. She didn't know when her tears stopped flowing. She didn't know when her pain started to overtake her whole body and simply spread in her until she was one heap of ache.
She felt raw and sore.

She was alone. So completely alone.

When it got totally dark around her she collected enough willpower to get up from the ground. Her legs were feeble and trembling, her head dizzy and her face damp, her throat dry.
Lisbon wiped her icy fingers across her cheeks as she stumbled to the sink and bent down to splash some water on her face. She also gulped down a mouthful of water to moisten her mouth and throat. It didn't help much.

He was gone. He ended it all.
She didn't know what to do.
She grew to depend on him -on them- so much over the past six months that she didn't see anything but darkness without him.
Her eyes found the dish she had made for them before it all turned horribly wrong. With a kind of angry motion she grabbed the handle of the pot and shoved it into the fridge, swallowing her new tears.
She wouldn't cry one more tear because of him! She wouldn't…

Lisbon made her way slowly, cautiously to her couch and fell down into the pillows. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep in her bed that night. And for the following some… Her whole bed smelled like him.

She rolled onto her side, facing the back of the couch and she hugged herself. One more tear trickled down on the side of her face, disappearing between her hair and the cushions.

Before Lisbon slipped into troublous, restless dreams she begged for forgetting. She seriously didn't know how she would face the next day…

Of course she didn't forget. But she could face the next day. And the after that. She met Jane, she looked him in the eye and saw the endless misery and guilt in them. She did her best to avoid him, and he made it easy for her. He stayed silent, and acted normal for a few days.
That weekend Lisbon changed the sheets on her bed and by Sunday she managed to lay in it without crying. She went to church and prayed for Jane. She prayed so that he could find his peace. That he would be able to move on, to get by in his life.

She put on a mask every day, she acted tough and switched into cop-mode throughout the day. But at night, she often found herself crying at old memories or waking up from a nightmare drenched in sweat and calling for him. But he wasn't there...

There was no huge fight. No stupid, meaningless arguments. Somehow they always left their problems at work and they were totally in sync.

So when Lisbon got into her bathtub she felt like the hot water was burning her heart and soul. Even though it had been months ago, just thinking about that night still hurt her. They managed to work side by side, and they never mentioned it again. Never talked about 'them'.

Jane got back to his old self and Lisbon was constantly saving his ass again. Just like good ol' days.

And even though they didn't say a word neither of them could really get those months out of their heads.

After her bath Lisbon crawled into bed. She knew she had to wake up early tomorrow but she couldn't sleep.

Suddenly the screen of her cell lit up and she reached for it, wishing with her every thought that it wouldn't be Cho with a new lead that they had to pursue at night. Or Jane with his attempts to convince her not to go out with Morrison...

She sighed in half relief, half amusement when she saw that the incoming message came from said police detective. It didn't say much:

'Tomorrow afternoon, 5 o'clock? Morrison'

Lisbon allowed herself a little smile as she pushed the answer button and typed in her agreement.

When she put her phone back on her nightstand she sighed and rolled on her back. She stared up at the ceiling, not able to get rid of the lingering thought of Jane. Was he in bed already? Could he be thinking about her?
She fell asleep with her lazily twirling thoughts and ended up dreaming about Jane and Morrison.

Meanwhile at the CBI headquarters Jane was sitting on his makeshift bed in the attic, regarding the city from the window. He didn't bother to switch on the lights, so he was surrounded with darkness. He couldn't sleep and his mind kept taking him back to Lisbon. To the day he ended things because he was convinced it would be better for her that way. How he regretted that now… How he wished it could be easy.

That night he almost gave up. He almost did something horrible and probably hurt himself or others. Seeing her so broken, innocent like a little bird crushed him to pieces. He was the cause of that. And she didn't understand why he did it.
She couldn't see that he only did that because he would have eventually hurt her. He wanted to figure things out first.
He cared for her more than his own life. He wanted her to be happy. But he couldn't be with her, and raise false hopes in her while he still felt like he was theirs. Red John's. Angela and Charlotte's.
Jane was aware of the fact that his late wife and child will always be there in his heart, but until he felt like a stone he couldn't be with Lisbon. He couldn't risk losing her again.
He snorted at the irony of the situation. While Red John was alive he couldn't admit his feelings for Lisbon because he was too afraid of her physical well being. Now that his nemesis was dead, Jane had to worry about Lisbon's heart getting hurt.
He truly believed that when Red John would be out of the picture he would feel ecstatic, overjoyed, triumphant and most of all free from the chains of his past. But just like he told Lisbon the night Red John was killed, he felt nothing. No change.
He tried to repress it. Ignore it. He started a relationship with Lisbon, and he was happy as ever, but he still wasn't free. His ghosts started to come back more frequently, and recently he felt that the cold pang inside still hadn't changed.

He wandered around, walking the streets surrounding her apartment. He knew he couldn't go back, but he couldn't go away either. An invisible power pulled him back towards her, forcing him to stay close. Maybe to make sure that she would be all right...

Once he was too tired to walk he sat on the stairs leading to her door and bent his head into his hands.

No matter how it pained him to hurt her, deep down he felt that it was the right thing to do. They couldn't go on like that forever, and Lisbon deserved better.

He just hoped he could stay away from her. And he wished with all he had that one day she will be able to forgive him. That one day he will be able to move on, and maybe just maybe she would be there.

"Shit!" Jane hissed into the darkness. It was all so messed up and he was in the middle, not knowing what to do.

He was too selfish to let her go. But he wasn't ready yet, was he?

He didn't feel any better or worse. He was still a wreck. He didn't change any. And on top of it all, now he started acting jealous.

He stood up and began to pace. There wasn't really much room up there, but it was just enough to get the energy out of his system before he did something utterly stupid.

For a moment it crossed his mind that he could easily trick her into not going out with Morrison. He could make her change her mind. But he instantly chased the thoughts away, deciding that Lisbon would be rather angry. And he would never forgive himself for hurting her more.

No, he had to wait. He had to work things out, for once clear up the mess he made.

And anyway, this Morrison thing was probably just one date, it wouldn't last long!

And that was it! What do you think guys?
I would love to hear your thoughts, so please write a review! Even if it's short, even if it's just a few words… Every single one of your words make my day better! ;)
I truly hope you liked it!
Thank you all for reading, and I would love to read your words! :)
I will try to update as soon as possible!
Until then, xxx