Chapter 7 - Operation Total Recall.
Spock sat on the hard stool and swivelled a little to the left to look around the room.
Sheppard had given him a little tour before coming to this room. They'd been to the east balcony to gaze at the water, to the jumper bay to inspect the ships, and to the mess hall to grab some food - all on their way to the lab. Spock was sure Sheppard was trying to jog his memory. Now that his head didn't feel like it was splitting apart, Spock had time to appreciate his surroundings in more detail. He felt a little freer to take that second chance Pathee had mentioned.
The view from the balcony had been exquisite. The water was a crystal blue and each breath he'd taken refreshing and calming. He'd always found large bodies of water soothing to look at, but not to be in. He'd never been able to rationalise the difference. The temperature in Atlantis was controlled, but out in the open the rays from the sun were like a warm embrace. With all his time spent inside Atlantis' infirmary, he hadn't realised how he had missed their tanning rays. A lot of his time with the Kano had been spent wandering the woods and surroundings trying to rationalise his memories and ride out the headaches. He didn't want anyone to hear him vocalise the visions that came with each throb…he wanted to think of them as nightmares, not actual memories. Because if they were true… He could usually remember the essence of them after the bad spells, the sense of wrong on his part, the feelings of loss and betrayal. But now it was slipping away. He had tried to hold onto them, the one thing that had focussed him. Now he felt off-centre. Something was different.
He was glad to be out of the infirmary. He hadn't spent any time with healers while with the Kano because he couldn't deal with the possibility that there was something wrong with him. He'd thought they would confirm his suspicion, that he wasn't right in the head, then lock him up and throw away the key. Leave him to the horrors of his mind, the endless replay. But in the confines of the infirmary he had felt alright. It was hard to justify the impression that he would be safe in their care. Since when had he trusted his feelings? They had only ever gotten him a world of hurt. But his curiosity was piqued at the realisation that he trusted his feelings. He felt safe with them, but he had no logical reason to.
The light from the windows in the hallways cast strange patterns on the floors as Sheppard and Spock walked. No one appreciated it. They just moved about this place as if it wasn't a marvel. He'd love to see what it looked like from afar. The technological marvel of organic and inorganic. He understood they were floating on the water and his mind whirled with calculations. The power requirements must be immense. He was amazed by the whole experience - he had nothing to compare to it. He'd never been anywhere like this before and, despite himself, he was excited to see the labs. He tried to be professional and distant but from Sheppard's sparse details from the tour this place held everything he'd dreamed of, if you excluded the blood and the Wraith. Technology with the ability to change people's lives. As much as he'd like to dive in and look at the big stuff, he wasn't stupid, their Rodney had been missing for a year, and he imagined he would only be able to look from afar. Well, from his stool but that was enough for him. Wasn't it?
Spock swivelled the stool to the right, in the direction where Sheppard and two other men talked. Every once in a while they would glance in his direction. When he'd first arrived on Atlantis, he hadn't appreciated the stares from the personnel as they'd walked past, but he'd remained quiet. Now he'd like to think he was used to it after three days, but it was starting to piss him off. Just like the equation on the whiteboard on the far side of the room. He only had so much patience.
When they'd first entered the lab, Spock had appraised all the devices and equipment from the doorway. It was amazing. Sheppard hadn't looked at the room in awe, like he had; he'd just walked in and navigated a path towards another man.
Spock had really tried to listen to Sheppard's introduction to the shorter man but the room was inspiring. He'd just automatically nodded. He was glad Pathee had made him stay. He was unlikely to never see this amount of technology ever again. He smiled wistfully and held his hand out in greeting to the other man's. Zenka, Zulka. Zelenka.
"Good to see you." Zelenka smiled back and started talking to him about the room and the equipment within. Spock had been interested, very interested, until another person arrived searching for the wispy-haired man. Zelenka had given his apologises and showed him to a bench with a promise of return. Sheppard had followed him and the three men had begun a discussion out of his ear shot.
He felt a little out of sort at being abandoned but that had been several minutes ago and now Spock was annoyed. He fingered a small device on the table and shifted on the stool in an effort to stave off boredom. The object was smooth, seamless and cold. He put it back amongst the collection on the table and looked around the room, avoiding the large whiteboard. He spied displays with flashing light, papers with scribbles and felt the gentle vibrations from the working equipment. The only thing missing was more people. He wondered if everyone was at lunch. Spock had no way to gauge the time and the room had no windows. Light came from the artificial fixtures in the ceiling. It did seem a while ago since he'd eaten. He also needed to take those pills the Doctor had forced upon him.
After a short while he became impatient and focussed on the whiteboard covered with a hurried scrawl of numbers and letters in the far corner. The writing was atrocious but its familiarity sent shivers up his spine. Spock wasn't sure why he understood this but he did and he knew there was something wrong with it. To start off, the second line had the decimal place in the wrong place and the logic of the fifth line was completely illogical. Whoever had written this had had his mind checked out for the day. It was stupid. Plain and simple. How did they expect to run this place if they couldn't even get the math right? Spock huffed and glanced at the men deep in conversation. It was as if they were ignoring him. Fine. He'd take a little stroll around the room and if he happened to end up at the whiteboard with the equations of death he might just find a way to fix it. After all he couldn't just let them wallow in stupidity.
He rose from his seat and flashed a grin at Sheppard who noticed his movement. Make nice with the natives, Spock. They might surprise you. Pathee was always trying to centre him with sentimental reason and her words echoed in his mind. Well, these people weren't natives and he felt he owed them for the help they'd given him. They might appreciate it. Normally he would shy away from people, fearing the voices from his past would rear their ugly head. The one time he'd ever expressed any true emotions was on a planet with the traders and he'd become very angry until Pathee had shooed him away. He'd been worried at his outburst, but Pathee hadn't batted an eye. She'd decided that he'd shown a passion for something that was then nurtured.
He walked past the men talking and stood in front of the scribbles. He began thinking about his current predicament. He was a realist. Long ago he'd thought that either all the people he'd known had died or they simply hadn't wanted him. He'd preferred the latter explanation, because if it were the former he had suspected he'd probably had a hand in it.
He worried constantly that someone would recognise him at the markets. It was an irrational fear. Why worry about something he couldn't control? And that was when he realised he wanted to be in control. When he wasn't, his dark outlook on life became known. No one survived alone in this galaxy. The more he'd thought about it the more he'd spiralled into visions of him being abandoned. The snippets of memories he'd had gave credence to that thought. Being yelled at, the unrealistic demands that were laid at his feet and the resulting blame. At first he'd been angry, resigned, and then depressed. He'd often stared at his hands expecting to see blood. So red, tacky and…he shook his head and stifled a sob before collecting himself.
He'd spent enough time reminiscing over those thoughts and they'd only given him pain. He wanted that pain to end. He wanted those memories erased and wanted to start afresh. He also wanted a purpose to his life. Apparently, the only thing holding him back was himself. Or so Pathee had often told him. He had to overcome those memories and he needed help with that. Pathee seemed to think the Atlanteans could help him. The Kano and the people here had only shown him kindness. But with the Atlanteans he knew he had the potential to make a difference. The equation was right in front of him and begged to be righted.
A quiet cough roused him from his musings. He hadn't noticed Sheppard standing beside him. Spock's thoughts of them wallowing in stupidity were now long gone.
"Something wrong?"
"I'm fine." He pointed to the scribbles and stated quietly. "This is not."
"Zelenka," Sheppard called over his shoulder.
"Yes, Colonel."
"McKay's had a brainwave."
Spock started to correct the colonel, about his name. He'd thought about it often enough. That it might not be his name and these people insisted that he was Rodney but still, he was reluctant to part with it. He had taken the name and it seemed real to him and he'd grown used to it. McKay didn't hold any significance for him. Spock pointed out the errors. "Here, here and here."
"Looks like the knock on your head gave you a little clarity." Zelenka chuckled.
Spock looked at him a little confused. Zelenka stood to his left and put his hand on Spock's shoulder. "This was what you were working on when you disappeared."
"Oh." If that were true no wonder it looked familiar - it was his stupid equation.
OoOoOoOo
His stomach was no longer grumbling, having finished eating at the commissary, but his mind was in turmoil. Rodney felt so confused. Sheppard shot him a concerned look and he gave him a lopsided grin in return. He tried to project calm but it was as if the carefully built walls he'd put up were slowly crumbling. He didn't know what was up and what was down. He was having an epiphany and he didn't know how to deal with it. He was Rodney. Deep down in his very soul he knew it to be true, but he was clinging to the familiar. He didn't remember being Rodney.
A vast expanse of water lay under the jumper as it flew past. The water reflected the sun's rays and made it shimmer.
He'd wanted to get away from the lure of Atlantis and when Teyla had asked if he would like to join her on a trip to the mainland and meet her people he'd jumped at the chance to be out in the open. Sheppard, of course, was the pilot in this little escape and Ronon had decided he would tag along. The four of them were sitting in the jumper; Rodney up front next to Sheppard, looking out the window, Teyla and Ronon at the back chatting with each other. It felt – he didn't know how he felt – comfortable, natural to be with these people.
"McKay, you wanna have a go?"
"What?"
Sheppard grinned at him. "At flying."
Rodney looked at him with an astonished expression. Did this man know what he was doing? Honestly, he was the military leader of Atlantis and he was asking him to pilot the thing that was keeping them airborne. Even if he'd done this before, how did Sheppard know he wouldn't ditch them into the ocean?
"It's easy, just put your hands on those and tell the jumper what you want to do." The window merged into a map and Sheppard pointed to a spot on the land mass. "Go here."
Rodney supposed they were the blue dot. He'd been watching the colonel fly and he wondered if Sheppard was testing him. He reached out tentatively to grip the controls.
"Make sure you keep us out of the water," Ronon quipped.
"Oh that's very encouraging." Rodney muttered under his breath as he returned his hands to his chair.
"Come on. You can't tell me you don't want to have a go." Sheppard smirked at him. "If something happens I'll take over."
"You have done this before," Teyla chimed in from the back.
Rodney was amazed at their faith in him and he again reached out to grip the controls. The map disappeared and he thought of his destination. The jumper dipped a little before he compensated for it with a thought.
"Wow." He was connected to the jumper and it felt amazing. His eyes sparkled as he concentrated on his task. A few minutes later, Sheppard laughed.
"After all this time you still can't fly in a straight line."
The map reappeared and it showed a wavy red line as their path to the mainland.
"Oh come on." He turned to Sheppard. "You've been doing this a lot longer than I have." The jumper dipped again.
"Keep your hands on the controls," Sheppard warned.
"Uh, sorry." He turned back and corrected the jumper again.
They flew for a little while longer before Sheppard started talking to him. "So, have you decided what you're going to do?"
"With the jumper?" Rodney made an are-you-an-idiot face while focussing on his task. "Fly it to where you told me."
"No. I mean whether you're going to stay."
Rodney froze. "Um, trying to concentrate here."
"Okay." Rodney sneaked a look at Sheppard's sombre face as Sheppard continued talking. "You know you can talk to us."
Pathee's words came to him. "Do not judge them too hastily. They lost something, too." He looked at Sheppard. Really looked at him and saw the lines of worry. He then realised he wasn't the only one who was hurting.
"You can take over now." Rodney nodded to the controls.
"Why? You're doing okay."
"Of course I am, but if you want this jumper in one piece when it lands, I think you should be the one to do it."
"Landings a piece of cake."
"Colonel, I don't remember flying. I've watched you take off and fly. Not land."
"Oh, okay." Sheppard's shoulders deflated a little before taking over. "Alright people. Please make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your luggage is stored in the overhead compartments. We will be landing momentarily. Thanks for flying Pegasus airways."
Rodney raised an eyebrow at the strange phrases and turned around to look at the back. Ronon shrugged, used to the oddities, and Teyla just smiled. Rodney turned back and prepared himself for the next time Sheppard was going to ask him that question.
What was he going to say?
TBC
A/N - Delays, delays, delays. Apologises work has been extremely demanding. At this point, I think I've thanked everyone for their reviews except lauren hedgehog. Cheers..