Chapter 8 – Decisions. Decisions.
Rodney rubbed his hand after the overly firm handshake.
"It is good to see you again, Dr McKay." Halling inclined his head and looked at them all. "You will be staying for the evening meal?"
"Yes. I have brought some supplies from Atlantis and it would be good to catch up on the events that have occurred over the past few days." Teyla smiled warmly at the tall man.
"Then, come." Halling turned and walked from the clearing towards the camp. Teyla followed with Sheppard, Rodney and Ronon close behind. Each of them carried a bag from Atlantis while Teyla chatted with Halling asking about the latest harvest.
Rodney just took in the surroundings. So far every planet he'd been to was the same. Tall trees offering shelter from the wraith if they scouted about. But unlike every other planet, there was no Stargate here. It was in Atlantis. Rodney wondered about the trust Teyla's people had with the Atlanteans; in relinquishing their opportunity for a quick escape.
He was still pondering this, and a few other things, later as they sat around the fire and he watched the flames dance about the wood. Ronon dumped another load of logs next to the fire and walked over to sit next to him. He pulled out a knife, from where Rodney didn't know, and began to sharpen it.
Shick.
Rodney's eyes narrowed, "How many of those things do you have?"
Shick.
"Never enough when it counts."
"Oh."
Ash spiralled up with the smoke, delicately floating until it was broken apart by the wind. A woman approached and handed them each a mug. Rodney sniffed his before drinking. He coughed as it burned a trail down his throat. Definitely alcohol. Sheppard and Teyla looked at him from across the fire. He waved a hand to signal he was okay as he finished coughing.
Ronon chugged back the contents of his mug. "What do you want McKay?"
"Pardon?" What was the man doing? He'd said barely two words to him since he'd arrived on Atlantis.
"What do you want?"
Rodney looked at the man as he continued to move the stone up and down the blade. What did he want? No one had asked him that. What do you remember? What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Are you in pain?
"Do you know what it's like to have nothing to gauge your life against?" Ronon didn't answer and Rodney continued, "If you are the sum of your experiences what am I? Before last year I remembered nothing. I was nothing." Rodney took another mouthful of the drink. It didn't burn this time.
Shick.
"You don't look like nothing to me."
Rodney didn't know what Ronon wanted him to say. The man was infuriating.
Shick.
Rodney drained the contents of his mug and raised it into the air shaking it with his hand expecting a refill. "The Kano gave me something. A family and a purpose."
The same woman walked over to them and refilled his mug. Rodney hadn't drunk alcohol for almost a year now and he felt a little buzzed. "And you want me to give that up?" Rodney's voice rose at the end and he gulped down the entire contents of his mug. He stood a little shakily and sought the jug.
Shick.
Sheppard called from the other side of the fire. "Hey McKay, if you keep chugging back those drinks you'll end up with one hell of a hangover tomorrow."
What did they want from him? Life with the Kano was uncomplicated. Ever since he'd been here he'd been expected to remember who he was. He'd read between the lines of the mission reports they'd given him. You're supposed to be the Doctor Rodney McKay, the super genius that fixes everything. But this time, the thing that needed fixing was himself. He wasn't ready to take on that mantle and he clung ferociously to what he did know. The familiar. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to live up to their expectations. Merge the memories with reality.
He knew he was being a coward. "My name is Spock!" he yelled.
Everyone turned around and stared at him. He snorted. And this was why he shouldn't drink. He rubbed his hands over his face. He and alcohol weren't a good mix. It went to his head too quickly. Why did he let Ronon get to him? When he'd first started getting nightmares he'd tried to chase them away with alcohol. Pathee had set him straight.
"Alcohol only dulls the memories, but they never disappear," he murmured as he stared at the ground.
"What's that?" Rodney looked up and blinked at Sheppard's concerned face. When did he get over here?
"Ronon, you should have stopped him after that first drink. He's still on medication from Carson," a woman's voice admonished.
"Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick." He turned from the warmth of the fire and stumbled toward the trees. He heaved the entire contents of his stomach onto the earth. An acrid smell rose up to meet him and he started gagging.
"McKay, what are we going to do with you?"
He was handed a canteen of water and he rinsed out his mouth. He was guided away from the mess on the ground and braced against a tree.
"Kill me now," he moaned. His head throbbed with an intensity he remembered all too well and his stomach rolled.
Rough hands gripped him. "Don't you ever say that!"
He stared into Sheppard eyes again and for a moment the man's pain overwhelmed his. "Why?"
"Because I lost you once and I don't think I could handle it another time." He sagged, "I've lost too many people in my life already."
"Sheppard," Teyla's soft voice interrupted the confession and both men turned to her. "Let's move Rodney inside."
Sheppard nodded and realised this conversation was better dealt with away from prying eyes. "Up and at 'em, McKay."
Sheppard grabbed his left side and Ronon his right. They staggered towards the tent their burden uncoordinated and unhelpful.
"McKay, what are we going to do with you?" Sheppard asked quietly.
Rodney didn't reply. Sheppard's words had momentarily stunned him.
OoOoOoOo
Rodney groaned. Definitely no alcohol. Never, ever again. He turned on his side and began to raise his hand to his head only for his arm to be stopped. He tugged his arm against the resistance and a soft voice to spoke to him.
"Don't, you'll pull the IV."
The voice was to his left and Rodney twisted in the bed until he lay on his back. His eyes remained closed as he groaned.
"Carson?"
"Aye lad."
"What'ya doing?"
"Getting some fluids into you."
"Oh."
"The alcohol and the medication you're taking don't exactly mix."
"Sorry."
"Aye you should be."
"No. I'm sorry for..." Rodney sentence trailed off as he swallowed down a sob.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Carson patted him on the hand.
Rodney opened his eyes and found he was back on Atlantis. He looked at the Doctor with bloodshot eyes. "Do you know what it's like to lose your memories?"
"No."
"It's like swimming against the current." He moved his untethered hand about. "At first you try to make some headway, but eventually you get tired and go with the flow."
Carson didn't say anything and Rodney sighed, rubbing his head. "I gave up."
"No Rodney, you did the best with what you could."
Rodney ignored his comment and continued talking, before he lost his resolve. "The great Rodney McKay gave up."
Sheppard shifted from a chair, on the other side of the room, and stood behind Carson. "The Rodney McKay I know is just as human as the rest of us."
Carson gave the man laying in the bed an expectant look. "Rodney?"
"How about almost-Rodney." He chuckled then groaned, "I don't remember everything."
"You remember enough for me." Sheppard replied.
Rodney sobered and stared at the ceiling with 13,054 tiles, "I don't know how to save the galaxy Colonel, but I do remember how to destroy it."
"Rodney -" Sheppard started.
Rodney held his hand up and looked at them as if he carried all the trouble of the world. "Do you know what I have remembered over the past year?" He clenched his fists which were resting on the blanket.
Sheppard stopped and sat down in the chair next to Carson and listening to the man who was about to spill his secret.
"Destruction and death."
"That happens everywhere, lad," Carson confessed.
Rodney shook his head and closed his eyes tightly before opening them. Tears threatened to spill and Rodney breathed through his nose loudly. "But by my hands?"
Carson knew where this was going. He'd listened to Teyla talk about Pathee's concerns. About Rodney's depression and the nightmares he'd endured.
"Rodney, I won't lie to you, there are some thing's that no one should ever have to see. But you're not the only one that has had to wrestle with it. With what we've done while we have been here," Carson admitted with a hint of regret.
"With great power comes great responsibility," Sheppard blurted.
"Quoting Spiderman now, Colonel?" Carson asked, turning to the man.
"It seemed appropriate." Sheppard's nonchalant reply belied the disarray he felt. He'd done a lot of things in his life that he hadn't shared with anyone, and never would. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and spoke to the broken man. "We do what we have to Rodney. To survive."
No one challenged the response. They just sat there in silence for a few moments until a nurse walked into the room, interrupting the solemn mood. "Teyla and Ronon are waiting outside, Dr Beckett. They have come to see Dr McKay." She looked at the grim faces.
"Show them in," Carson replied. The nurse nodded and left.
"So what now?" Rodney sniffed, attempting to recompose himself.
"We try to fill in the gaps," Sheppard answered.
TBC