Hi!! Fastest update in the history of JadeBeam only because I'm scared of fans (they like to throw things and own way too many sharp, pointy objects) and I actually had the foresight to write the first three chapters before I posted the first. Don't count on this being regularly fast! Ha...regularly...funny word...Regu LAAAAR lee...heheh...

Anyway, let me tell you how this one came about. My Muses pushed me off the bed again so I'm going to have head trauma. These gatherings seem to now temporarily consist entirely of the Akatsuki, minus Sasori, who felt like staying dead for once, and Konan, who was on a shopping spree in Rain. How anyone can be up and shopping, that most unholy of activities, at such an unholy time as six in the morning, I'll never know. Even Hidan was cursing about the "F-ing jashin-forsaken middle of the night" visit. Hidan is not allowed to actively curse in this ..umm...collection...unless he's in the actual chapter. Damn is allowed for everybody. And now..

Disclaimer: -runs from cursing Hidan-

Hidan: Get back here and capitalize Jashin-sama's name, you-..! -stares- Oh damn it! Can't actively curse here. In that case...Get back here, teme!

-calls over shoulder- Jade doesn't own anyone! They own her, as you can very well see. If you can't, get some glasses 'cause you definitely need them!

"ARGH!"

"..."

"Grrrrrrr..." Crumple.

"Konan, it's getting on one AM. Can't you just give it a rest?"

"No!" Crumple.

"Hey, stop tossing those at me."

"I don't actively toss them at you, I'm just tossing them over my shoulder."

"What are you doing that's getting you so annoyed anyway?"

"I'm trying to make pants."

"Out of paper."

"Yes."

"You don't have enough paper to make wearable pants."

"Yes I do."

"What's the point of making paper pants?"

"They're to match the paper shirt, the paper cloak, and the paper boxers."

"But boxers are for guys..."

"Duh, Pein."

"You're not a guy."

"Brilliant deduction. I can see why you're head of Akatsuki quite clearly now." Crumple.

"Not funny."

"Oh, I thought it was hilarious."

Konan, really. Why are you making all these clothes? They're not practical."

"They're not for me."

"Paper clothes aren't good for me either."

"Good, because they're not for you."

"...."

"........"

"...You aren't seeing another guy are you?"

"Pein!"

"Ow. No need to come over here and elbow me in the stomach."

"You deserved it. Of course I'm not. I'm making these for Deidara as a favor."

"...That doesn't make me feel any better."

"It's for Tobi's doll."

"When did Tobi get into this?"

"That's who the clothes are for. Tobi's doll. You know, for his birthday."

"..?"

"Ah, forget it. You're clueless."

"I am not clueless."

"Yes you are. Don't you know Tobi's birthday is tomorrow?"

"No. I'm clueless."

"See. Told you."

"How do you know Tobi's birthday?"

"He went around screaming it and parading around the base a week ago."

"How do you know he's not lying?"

"We don't, but since he won't tell us how old he is, we're assuming and celebrating it."

"Who 'we'?"

"Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu and I."

"What about Kakazu and Hidan?"

"They're refusing to celebrate. Hidan cursed at the thought and what can I say? Kakuzu's a cheap bastard."

"Of course he is. That's why he's the treasurer. What about Sakura?"

"She got her present ages ago and has been hiding it in case we ever found out Tobi's birthday."

"What's the present?"

"Candy that's everlasting and never goes bad."

"That fits."

"Yeah."

"So...the point of the pants?"

"They're origami pants to go with the other paper clothes I already made, but the pants are difficult because of the bad quality of the paper." Rip.

"A financial hazard from having a cheapskate for a treasurer."

"More than a financial hazard if Deidara finds out I had no pants to go with the rest of the clothes. This is a joint present. He's making the doll a paintbrush and an easel."

"Will it explode?"

"No, so don't look at me like that. He's just putting a half finished painting of an explosion on the easel."

"Oh. Good."

"Augh I can't get this one fold..."

"Maybe you should work on it in the morning? Come get the ultimate relaxation with me."

"As enticing as a boxer-clad Pein is, I would rather get this done so I don't have to face the wrath of Deidara and Tobi."

"Why Tobi?"

"Because that voice is just too creepy to deal with sometimes."

"True. Even I leave the room when Tobi acts serious."

"..."

"....."

"ARRGHH!!!"

"Konan..I just thought of a great idea."

"I'm not leaving this to go have sex with you."

"Well, that would have been nice, but that wasn't what I was going to say."

"I'm not sleeping on it."

"But Konan.."

"And I am not taking help."

"Konan, please just hear me out."

"Fine. I'm listening." Crumple.

"You're a shinobi."

"And...?"

"So be a shinobi!"

"...?"

"Chakra."

"...Good idea!"

"You don't have to tell me."

"........" Crumple.

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"Okay, I don't. But I hate that you suggested that because I was actually doing well on this one."

"Sorry."

"....."

"......"

"Nice puppy eyes. But Rinnegan doesn't mix with them."

"...."

"Stop sighing at me, Pein. I feel your pain, but I have my own."

"That sounded like Itachi's little brother, what's-his-face that's always trying to avenge his family and whatnot."

"The emo one?"

"Konan you may not have realized this but he only has one brother."

"I know, but one Uchiha is emo and one's bi. So the younger one is dubbed 'The Emo One' and the older becomes 'The Kisame-Lover'."

"Ha. He does love Kisame. They think I don't know what they do, but I'm not as stupid as I look."

"Which is saying a lot..."

"Watch it."

"And if I don't?"

"....."

"Yeah I thought so."

"Hn."

"Now that is an Uchiha trait."

"Huh?"

"Both of them go 'hn' and stare at each other. You should see when they're together. All they say is 'hn', 'tch' and 'Foolish'. It feels like an unholy monastery."

"Is there such a thing?"

"I don't know, that was a quote from Hidan."

"I figured."

"Damn it!"

"Why is it so hot in here?"

"Stupid piece of... Hidan's room is next door."

"So...?"

"You really are clueless about the members. Hidan will spout to anyone at the breakfast table how he likes it blistering hot when he does his ritual."

"I can't think of anyone who would listen to that while they're eating."

"Usually we're all forced because he rambles without caring who's listening and who's not."

"Why don't I know this?"

"Because you're too busy stuffing your face. But someone did listen, actually."

"Who?"

"Surprisingly, Sakura listened very intently first time around."

"Sakura?!"

"Yes. Remember? She's our medic-nin."

"Okay, I'm not completely clueless over here. I was the one who picked her out to be our medic. Kakuzu can only do so much. He can't heal someone. He can only stitch someone together."

"I know that... besides, he can't even do that right. Deidara had to have his arm redone by Sakura from when Kakuzu stitched it. Those threads diseased his entire arm and it turned black. It took that girl a month to find a cure."

"Why-?"

"-didn't you know? Because Sakura didn't feel the need to tell you. You knowing would mean more pressure on her."

"Okay, that's enough. Back to Hidan and Sakura-"

"Sakura has a bad sense of morbid curiosity when it comes to all things immortal, and especially Hidan. He can function as a head. That's incredible to her because she's a medic."

"Hey, you got it!"

"Got what?"

"Pants."

"Oh yeah! Cool, I guess talking randomly actually helped! Now I won't have to feel Tobi's and Deidara-kun's wrath!"

"......Deidara-kun?"

"Oops. Pein, come here."

"...."

"Okay fine, I'll come over to you instead."

"......."

"What was that for?"

"I don't like anyone but you, Pein. I promise."

"......."

"Ah, see? You can smile...Damn, it's gone. I guess I'll just have to fix that then."

I'm sorry, I hate writing Pein and Konan because they have no speech personality except that Pein is kind of formal and very jealous. Kisame has that fun-loving attitude, Zetsu is split, Itachi's stoic, Tobi speaks in 3rd person, and my favorite, Deidara, has that awesome un or yeah.

Konan and Pein are boring to me.

Pein: Just because we're not as freakish...

Konan: Speak for anyone but yourself, swirly.

Pein: Stop calling me that!

See you, un!

Jade