Summary: Calvin causes chaos at a court room when Dad tries to do a defense.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by Swing123 and garfieldodie
A Day at the Office
Dad came home a little happier than usual that day in September.
He came into the house, wearing a big grin.
"Dear, guess what?" He asked his wife.
"I don't think I want to." Mom sighed.
"Some person called Jack Freewater is being sued."
Mom stared at him.
"So?" she asked, in amusement.
"I've been hired as his defense lawyer!" Dad said, happily.
Calvin, who was watching TV, nearby, burst out in lunatic laughter.
"You! do a defense!"
Calvin fell out of his chair, and held his stomach in laughter.
"What are you going to do? Tell the judge it will build character to rule not guilty? AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Dad scowled at Calvin.
Calvin was still screaming with laughter, at the thought of the Dad in a court room.
"When's the trial?" Mom asked.
"Sunday, 4:00." Dad replied.
Mom's eyes went blank.
"Uh-oh." She said.
"What?" Dad asked.
"I go to the barber's at four o'clock on Sunday. I'm not taking Calvin."
"Why not?" Asked Dad.
"Remember what happened last time we took him there?" Mom asked.
"I wasn't there." Dad said. "All I heard was the explosion and the sirens."
Mom and Dad looked at Calvin.
He was now banging his fists into the floor, and holding onto the coffee table leg, for support, still laughing.
"Rosalyn made a pledge not to babysit Calvin again, until she forgot what happened to her the last time. And the Dirkins certainly won't take him in." Mom said.
"So what are you saying?" Dad asked.
"He's gonna have to come with you." Mom said.
Hobbes was reading out of his Superman comic book, when he heard a thud.
He looked up, and saw Calvin laying face down on the carpet.
Hobbes hid the comic under his pillow, as Calvin got up.
"Well, Hobbes, guess what?" Calvin asked.
"Ummm..."
"Dad has to go to court! What a scream, huh?"
"He's being sued?" Hobbes asked.
"No." Calvin said. "He's going to do a defense for someone who's being sued!"
Hobbes chuckled.
"That'll be interesting. What is he going to do? Tell the judge it will build character to rule not guilty?"
Calvin and Hobbes laughed.
Just then Dad came into the room.
"Listen bucko!" He snarled. "Due to circumstances, beyond my control, I'm gonna have to bring you to the court room."
Dad leveled down to Calvin.
"And if anything goes wrong..."
He ran his finger across his throat and hissed, "zzzzziipppp!"
Calvin grinned and nodded.
"Sure thing, Dad, you don't have to worry about a thing! Me and Hobbes will be angels!"
Dad studied Calvin, and closed the door.
Calvin turned to Hobbes.
"Lets get ready! The hearing's in two days!"
Calvin grabbed his backpack, and started shoving things in, including his Stupendous Man cape and cowl, his Transmogrifier Gun, his MTM, his Time Pauser, and his other inventions.
"You promised your dad you'd be good. Why are you packing all the stuff?" Asked Hobbes.
"I need to help Dad with the trial, right?"
"Uuuhhhh..." Hobbes rolled his eyes around.
"You can give me an answer any day now." Calvin said.
Hobbes stared at Calvin.
There was a long moment of silence.
"I really don't think bringing you inventions are gonna help, Calvin." Hobbes said.
"You just wait!" Calvin grinned.
"Oh no." Hobbes said.
Sunday came quick.
Dad put Calvin in the car, and started off.
"OK, Calvin, look," Dad said. "Just sit quietly in the chairs, and let me do my defense. I have a lot of work to do. The prosecution is probably going to have a lot of evidence against him."
"Whoop dee doo." Calvin scoffed. "Don't mind us, Dad. You just go and defend What's-his-name."
"Jack Freewater!" Dad spat.
"Whatever. Don't you worry about a thing!"
Calvin winked at Hobbes.
Hobbes sighed.
At that very moment, a skunk ran out into the middle of the road.
Calvin, Hobbes, and Dad all screamed, and Dad jerked the wheel to the left, and then the right.
The skunk rushed out of the road as Dad zoomed past.
Dad sighed.
"Oh, thank goodness! What would I have done if I had run over that thing?"
"The only decent thing." Calvin said. "Stop the car, and bury it in the ditch. You might just bury the skunk along with it."
Dad rolled his eyes.
"So, when are we going to get to this court room?" Calvin asked.
"Soon." Dad said. "Just be patient."
Another hour went by.
Calvin and Hobbes were still in the car.
"Thank goodness for patience." Calvin said, sarcastically.
Dad rolled his eyes.
"Look, we're here." He said.
Dad pulled into the parking lot, next to a huge brick building with that old fashioned scale on the top.
Dad turned to Calvin.
"Come to think of it, Calvin, it shouldn't take me that long to do this, why don't you stay in the car?"
Calvin's eyes popped open.
"What!" He screamed. "No way! I wouldn't miss the world for this! Dad doing a defense!"
Dad, taking this message the wrong way, agreed, and let Calvin out of the car.
It was then that Calvin gave Hobbes a signal to grab the evidence out of Dad's suitcase.
Hobbes saw his hand signal and... Oh brother. He waved back, and yelled, "OH! HI THERE!"
Sometimes, Calvin thinks that... Never mind.
Calvin cast a glance at Dad.
He was shifting through his papers, and trying to get prepared.
Calvin innocently stepped up to Dad's suitcase, which was tucked in his arms, and quickly scanned everything inside it with the MTM.
Then, he stepped away, and printed the information out.
He took hold of Hobbes' shoulder, and took out his Time Pauser.
BOOM!
A white shockwave exploded from Calvin and Hobbes, and traveled outward.
Hobbes looked up.
He saw a bird stuck in midflap above him.
"Ah, Time Pausing." He said.
He turned to Calvin.
Calvin took out the papers, and handed them to Hobbes.
Hobbes studied them.
"Well, what do you make of them?" He asked.
"Well, this paper just looks like a bunch of contacts."
"Well, go through them, until you find the one named Jake Freewilly."
"Jack Freewater, Calvin." Hobbes corrected.
"Whatever."
Hobbes shifted through the papers.
Calvin did too.
"Here it is." Hobbes said. "Jack Freewater. He's being sued for five thousand dollars for not paying for some house painting service or something."
Calvin took the paper, and studied it.
"Hmm, interesting."
Hobbes peeked over Calvin's shoulder.
"He says that they did a horrible job, painting his house." Calvin said. "And they said he destroyed the paint on purpose."
"Does that sound like something someone would do, just to get out of paintng it?"
"We're dealing with humans, here, Hobbes."
"Ah yes."
Calvin held up some pictures of the house.
The pink paint was missing in some places.
"Oh my gosh, that's horrible!" Hobbes gasped.
"I'll say!" Calvin yelled. "What kind of sicko would paint their house pink?"
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Well, we can look at the rest of the evidence in the court room. Let's go." He said.
"Agreed."
Calvin took the Time Pauser, and hit the button.
BOOM!
Time started back up, again.
Dad finished filing through his papers, and told Calvin to follow him.
Which he did.
And they entered the court house.
And if Dad would've known what Calvin had planned... Well, he probably would have left him in the car.
But just then, the skunk from earlier came meandering up.
It was apparently mad at Dad for nearly killing it.
Dad was just about to open the door when suddenly it stood in front of him.
Dad stared at the angry skunk.
"Oh…hi?" he tried.
The skunk raised it's tail.
"HIT THE DIRT!" screamed Calvin.
He and Hobbes dove into the potted plant outside the building.
PSSSSSST!
Calvin and Hobbes emerged wearing gas masks.
"That was close!" said Calvin. "Dad? You okay?"
Dad was standing there, dizzy and about ready to barf.
The skunk had a self-satisfied smirk and was walking away.
Calvin and Hobbes stared.
Then suddenly, Dad passed out on the ground.
THUD!
Calvin and Hobbes stared at Dad.
"Dad, you okay?" Calvin asked again.
No answer.
Hobbes put his head to Dad's chest.
"He's still breathing, but I think that skunk's stench temporarily fried his brain."
"Uh-oh," said Calvin. "What do we do now? He's got a trial to do, and here he is, passed out from skunk stench."
"Well, first, let's keep him far away from fire. Second, I guess we'll have to tell them what happened and have them rescheduled."
"I THINK NOT!" Calvin shouted. "I refuse to let poor Waterlilly fall victim to the court! His house was painted pink! That just proves that he's too sissy to pull a stunt like that."
"Jack Freewater."
"Yeah, whatever. Look, I have an idea, but we're going to need to look professional."
Calvin pulled out the Time Pauser.
"This could take a while," he said.
BOOM!
When time started up again a little while later, Calvin was standing there, wearing one of his sport jackets, a white shirt and a blue tie. His hair was moussed down to combed style. He had on a fake mustache. Plus, he had a little device attached to the tie.
Before we go onto that, I must bring up that Calvin was way taller now.
That's because he had pulled a pair of stilts out of the hypercube, and put on an extra-long pair of pants, and on the bottom were Dad's shoes.
"What's that thing on your tie?" asked Hobbes.
"It's a voice box," said Calvin. "It'll make me sound older."
Calvin turned on the voice box.
"Testing. Testing. 1, 2, 3…"
Calvin's voice sounded slightly nasal, but it did sound more adult-like.
Hobbes was trying hard to hold in his laughter.
"Okay, now I need a fancy lawyer name."
Calvin thought for a moment.
"I've got it! Ryan Segall Hanks!"
Hobbes stared.
"Where'd that come from?"
"Eh, it just came to me," Calvin said, shrugging.
Hobbes looked at his watch.
"Okay, get in there."
Calvin nodded, and then walked in.
Hobbes watched him leave.
"I feel sorry for Mr Freewater," he sighed.
Inside, the trial was just starting.
"The court will come to order. Judge Klein residing," said the bailiff.
A judge, wearing the usual garb, stood at the podium.
"Mr Freewater, where is your attorney?" asked Judge Klein.
Freewater shrugged.
"I'm not sure."
WHAM!
The door swung open.
Everyone looked back.
"Here I am!" said Cal…er…Ryan.
He made his way for the table where Freewater was sitting.
"Thank you for joining us, Mr…?"
"Hanks. Ryan Segall Hanks, your honor," said Calvin.
Calvin sat down.
"Where were you?" hissed Freewater.
"Car trouble," replied Calvin.
Hobbes was watching from nearby.
"This should be good," he muttered.
"Does the defense of an opening statement?" asked Klein.
"Yes, your honor," said Calvin, standing up.
He turned to the jury.
Calvin stared at them.
"Poor slobs," he muttered.
Then out loud.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the court, this is a court about facts. No doubt you're going to hear exaggerations and such from both sides, but hey, that's America for ya. Just a tip: listen to nothing but the facts. Got that? Nothing but facts. Facts like, for example, we're indoors. I'm devilishly handsome. My client has eyes. All are facts. Yes, eyes. The innocent eyes of a puppy."
"That's enough facts, Mr Hanks," said Judge Klein.
"A puppy, your honor!" said Calvin, turning back to his chair. "An innocent, cute puppy."
Freewater put his head in his hands.
"I'm doomed."
Later on, Calvin was standing at the evidence table.
"Okay, this is Exhibit A: the paint can. A can which held pink paint. This brings me to another point: what kind of self-respecting guy paints his house pink!"
Freewater glared at him.
"Anywho, this paint was used to paint my client's house, and it is reported that the house's fresh paint job was a mess. So I guess calling it 'fresh' would be somewhat pointless."
Calvin put the paint can down and approached the bench.
"And due to this bad paint job, Freewetwilly here didn't pay the two hundred dollar paint job. This leads to another point: you're suing him five thousand dollars for a two hundred dollar paint job? That's asking a bit much, isn't it?"
The opposing force glared at Calvin.
"Okay then, I'm no expert on paint, but I'd say that we're looking at an easy problem: the paint was probably just bad to begin with. Color aside."
Freewater sighed.
Hobbes was enjoying this. He was at the window eating a bag of chips.
Judge Klein stared at Calvin.
"Um, okay?" he said. "Is that it?"
"Yes, your honor."
Calvin sat down next to Freewater.
"So, how're we doing?" he asked.
Freewater stared at him.
"Don't you know?"
"Not a clue."
Freewater smacked his forehead.
"Defense calls the leader of the painters company, Tom Adlon Stiles to the stand," said Calvin, reading off a piece of paper.
Tom stood up before the court and got into that little box thingy next to Judge Klein.
"Mr Tom, my client has been accused of purposely ruining your paint job. Now what exactly was the end result after painting the house?"
"Right after we finished? It looked pretty good. The paint was even, no bubbles, high-gloss, like he asked…"
"So it didn't look like this?"
Calvin held up a picture of a pink house with red and orange splotches all over it.
"Nope," said Tom.
"I see. Do you have any proof?"
Tom held up a picture of the same house, only with a fresh coat of pink pain.
Calvin stared at it.
"Hmmm," he said.
Then he figured there was no point in digging himself deeper.
"No further questions, your honor. And if it pleases the court, the defense requests a fifteen minute recess."
"Fine, whatever," said Judge Klein.
And he smacked his gavel.
Calvin walked back to Freewater.
He sat down next to him and glared at him.
Freewater looked at him.
"What?" he asked.
"You screwed up your house on purpose, didn't you?" Calvin sighed.
"What? NO! Heck no! I didn't!"
"But they have evidence, Mr FreedH2O!"
Freewater groaned.
"Look, I left them to their own devices by leaving for a few of days on vacation. When I came back, the house was a mess!"
Calvin thought for a moment.
"How long were you gone?"
"About five days."
"I'll be right back."
Calvin approached the opposing force.
"Excuse me, but I have to ask another question," he said to Tom. "How long did the paint job take?"
"About four days," replied Tom.
Calvin thought.
Then he checked his watch.
He still had eleven minutes left.
He looked up towards the window and saw Hobbes.
He motioned for him to go the front door.
Hobbes disappeared.
Calvin requested permission to go outside for a moment.
Once outside, Calvin grabbed Hobbes and pulled out the Time Pauser.
BOOM!
"Okay," said Calvin, taking the voice box off. "Did you hear any of the trial?"
"I heard parts," Hobbes said. "It got boring, so I took a few naps here and there."
"Well, we have eleven minutes left in the trial, so we have to act fast. I have Mr Gratisirrigate's address, and we're going to go there now."
"Why?"
"I have a theory to test."
Calvin yanked the stilts off and jammed them into the hypercube, and then put his regular pants and shoes on.
Then he and Hobbes raced down the streets.
Sometime later (they were still in time stop), they ran up to Freewater's house.
It looked like it did in the after picture.
"Okay, I'm going to unpause time for a minute," said Calvin.
BOOM!
Calvin and Hobbes felt time start up again.
Calvin then pulled out the MTM and looked at the little screen.
Then he hit REWIND and pointed it at the house.
"Okay, the way I figure it, Mr So-and-So couldn't have ruined the paint himself because he was out of town at the time. And it couldn't have been the paint company because they finished the day before he came home, and the picture shows that everything was on the up-and-up when they were done."
"So what does it mean?" asked Hobbes.
"It means that something unexpected must have happened between the time the photo was taken and Mr Whatever came home."
Calvin and Hobbes watched the little screen for a minute.
Then, they saw something amazing.
They saw Moe and his gang, and they were throwing things at the house!
Mainly tomatoes and the like.
"Whoa!" said Hobbes. "Betchya no one saw that coming!"
Calvin froze the image and then printed out a copy. He folded it and stuck it in the hypercube.
Then he checked his watch.
Eight minutes left.
He and Hobbes held on to the Time Pauser.
BOOM!
Next, Calvin and Hobbes went back to their own neighborhood.
They found Moe holding a kid named Alex by the collar and in mid-punch.
They grabbed onto Moe, released Alex, and dragged him away.
To Alex, he was about to be pummeled when Moe evaporated and he fell to the ground.
Calvin and Hobbes took the frozen Moe to the courthouse.
Once there, Calvin slipped back into his disguise, along with the voice box.
Calvin and Hobbes exited time stop.
BOOM!
Moe looked around at where he was.
"What th—?"
"Moe?" said Calvin in his fake voice.
Moe looked up.
"Get in there. You're in big trouble."
Moe stared.
"What'd I do?"
Calvin shoved Moe inside.
Then he removed his fake mustache for a minute to wink at Hobbes.
Hobbes winked back.
Calvin entered.
He found Moe stared at the judge and jury nervously.
Moe is very scared of authority.
He was sweating.
"Not in public, kid. People are watching," Calvin whispered.
Judge Klein stood up.
"Okay, recess over," he said. "Everyone sit the heck down and let's just get this over with."
Calvin stared.
"I'm starting to like this guy," he muttered.
Calvin sat down next to Freewater.
"Where were you?" Freewater demanded.
"Relax, Mister," Calvin replied. "Everything's under control."
Judge Klein smacked the gavel.
"Okay, do you have anything up that sleeve of yours, Mr Hanks?" demanded Klein.
"Yes, your honor, one more thing," said Calvin.
He stood up and pointed at Moe.
"Defense calls Moe to the stand!"
Moe jumped in surprise.
"What?" he shouted.
"Are you sure?" asked Judge Klein.
"Do I look unsure to you?" Calvin said, making the most disgusting face ever.
"Uh…?"
"Good. Moe, take the stand."
Moe got into the box.
"Mr., er, Moe, is it?"
Moe nodded nervously.
"Moe, where were you on March 27th between the hours of twelve noon and seven thirty pm?"
"Uh, I was hanging out with my friends."
"Friends?…or gang?"
Everyone stared.
"Either way."
"Mmm-hmmm," said Calvin. "Were you hanging out around at the home of Mr Freewater?"
There was a pause.
"Hey, I finally got his name right!" Calvin exclaimed.
Moe sat for a minute.
"I guess so."
"Well, I know so!" Calvin said. "From an anonymous source, I give to you photographic evidence that it was this young man and his gang of hooligan accomplices that ruined the paint job of Mr Freewater's house just a mere three hours after it was finished being painted, and then another day before Freewater returned home from his trip."
And Calvin handed Judge Klein the photo.
Klein stared at it.
"Huh," he said. "Would ya look at that. Young man, what have you to say for yourself?"
Moe was sweating now.
"I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I WAS FORCED! TEMPORARY INSANITY! I'M SORRY! DON'T SEND ME AWAY! WHAAAAAAAA!"
Calvin stared.
Was Moe…crying?
"Cool," he whispered.
"All right, all right, shut up, shut up!" Judge Klein shouted, whamming his gavel. "I sentence you to five hours in a jail cell and a phone call to your parents, young man! Has the jury reached a verdict?"
"NOT GUILTY!" they shouted.
Freewater looked so relieved.
"Case dismissed," said Klein. "Now get the heck out of my courtroom!"
Everyone started to leave.
"Thanks for everything, Mr Hanks," said Freewater. "Especially for getting my right at last."
"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure," said Calvin.
Suddenly, Calvin's fake mustache came loose, and it tumbled to the floor.
Everyone stopped and stared at him.
Just then, two of Calvin's spikes broke through the mouse.
POING! POING!
Everyone was gaping at him now.
Calvin gulped.
"Um…OH LOOK! A WALL!" he shouted, pointing.
Everyone looked.
ZOOM!
Calvin ran out of there like all get out.
Calvin dove into the hypercube that was waiting outside with Hobbes.
Everyone ran past, not suspecting a thing.
Calvin peeked outside, and then climbed out in his normal attire.
"How'd it go?" asked Hobbes.
"Not bad," said Calvin.
Just then, Dad stirred and began to get up.
"Ooooh," he said. "What happened?"
"You got sprayed by a skunk and passed out," said Calvin. "Don't worry. They decided to settle out of court anyway."
"What? Aw man!" Dad whined. "I was looking forward to this."
"Well, I'm looking forward to you getting rid of that stench. Let's go home," said Calvin.
"Okay."
Dad got in the car.
Calvin sniffed him.
"Phew! On second thought, I have a better idea."
Dad drove on home, still feeling disappointed.
And on the roof was Calvin, who was sitting lying down strapped to the roof with Hobbes right next to him.
"Look on the bright side!" Calvin shouted. "It's more fun this way anyway! WOO!"
Hobbes rolled his eyes and groaned.
It would be a long ride home.
The End
Voice Work
Pamela Segall Adlon: Calvin
Tom Hanks: Hobbes / Freewater
Bill Murray: Dad / Tom Adlon Stiles
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Mom
EG Daily: Moe
French Stewart: Ryan Segall Hanks
Robert Klein: Judge Klein
Coming up next: Camp Blues