I seriously hope your feels are braced, okay? I updated the description for this story, so you have been warned. If you have a suicide trigger, just go right to the end.
For Mems, who gripped me tight and raised me from Perdition.
Gabriel finished up the chapter he was working on, saved the document, and glanced at his watch. It was about ten-thirty, which left him just enough time to walk to the Tipsy Crow and make it by eleven. That was perfect because he didn't feel like wasting twenty bucks on a cab when it wasn't even that bad outside. He could hear a light drizzle of rain from outside, but his leather jacket was warm. Unlike a lot of people he knew, he liked the rain. Besides, he hated being in cars if he could avoid it.
He closed the screen of his laptop and stretched for a moment before grabbing his phone off the table and his jacket and umbrella from the front closet. Patting down his pockets to ensure he had his keys and his wallet, he headed out and to the elevator. When the doors slid open, only one other person was in there. "Morning, Mrs. Braeden," he said cheerfully.
Regina Braeden, with all the serenity of most eighty-four-year-old women, smiled at him. "Good morning, Gabriel. How are you this morning?"
"Pretty good, pretty good. What have you been up to lately?" He couldn't resist cracking a joke. "Entertaining lots of handsome twenty-somethings up in your apartment?"
"Oh, dozens of them," she joked back. "And then they got tired and started complaining, so I decided to pop out and get some cookies."
Gabriel cracked up. "That's a pretty good one. I'll have to remember that."
Her smiled slipped a bit. She seemed to be deciding whether or not to say something. After a few moments, she must have decided to go ahead. "Are… are you sure you're doing alright?"
"Yeah. I mean, I'm not great or anything, but all things considered…" He shrugged. Most of his neighbors were aware that Kali had moved out and why. "Could be worse."
She nodded, seeming to accept that, but Gabriel remained aware of her concerned gaze still on him. Fortunately, the elevator reached the lobby and the doors opened up. He stepped aside to let her off first before following her out.
In the lobby, about a half-dozen people were milling around, looking anxiously at the sky. No one seemed to be leaving and even Mrs. Braeden settled into an armchair, so Gabriel sailed past them. He found it terribly ironic that, in a building filled primarily with artists and other young, hip people, so few found a bit of rain refreshing. But that was fine—he would make it to the Tipsy Crow faster without so many people on the sidewalks. He flipped up the collar of his jacket and ventured outside.
He felt genuinely happy, which was a welcome relief from his past few weeks. For a brief, dizzying time, it felt like he was on the verge of shattering. He didn't know how many more pitying, sympathetic looks he could stand from his friends before he completely fell apart, but at least now, he didn't feel so sensitive to it. It seemed like the pieces were finally starting to come back together. It still hurt, of course, but it wasn't the sharp, jagged kind of pain he felt the night she left. It was a dull ache that could be ignored or forgotten for a few hours at a time. And then there was Sam. Gabriel wasn't sure yet what he felt for the six-foot-four moose-man, but he knew they made each other laugh and that, by itself, was more than enough reason for him to pursue something with the younger Winchester. It was nice to have him close by, comforting to talk to him. That he was great in bed was just an added bonus.
It was just before eleven when he finally ducked into the Tipsy Crow. His jeans were soaked and his hair was stuck to his forehead, but he was smiling. This was one of the best parts about the rain—coming into a warm place after he'd been out in the downpour. He looked around and determined that Sam hadn't arrived yet, which was a relief. He was usually late for things, so being early was nice.
He opted to wait to order anything until Sam arrived. He wasn't honestly all that hungry and if this was some sort of pseudo-date, he at least wanted the opportunity to offer to pay for whatever he got. He supposed that this was basically a date. After all, he'd invited Sam here, and less than seventy-two hours after they'd had sex. If this wasn't an awkward date, he didn't know what was.
Only a few minutes later, the moose-man in question walked in. He, apparently, hadn't walked the whole way because instead of being soaked through, he just looked a little damp. Rain was clinging to his hair and his plaid shirt actually had a few dry patches on it. Gabriel felt his smile break out again and he stood up and bounded over to him. "Hey, Sammy! What's up?"
"Not much." He took in Gabriel's drenched appearance and burst out laughing. "What, did you swim here or something?"
Gabriel cracked up. "Sure did. I think I broke a few Olympic records, too!" When Sam started laughing again, Gabriel threw his arm around his waist. "Hungry? I haven't ordered anything yet."
"Yeah, sure. Sounds good."
Sam ended up ordering a bottle of water and a turkey sandwich, which made Gabriel smile for no reason. He got an iced mocha blended something-or-other with an extra shot of espresso, whipped cream, and chocolate syrup drizzled on top with a chocolate-chip muffin. Sam laughed at him and Gabriel just gave him a mock-offended look. "Like you don't know about my weird eating habits," he joked.
"You are a strange little man," Sam said, still grinning. He affectionately ruffled Gabriel's still-soaked hair. "Hey, I'll be right back. Give me five minutes."
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Don't pretend you're not about to duck out the back," Gabriel joked as Sam headed to the bathrooms.
"Anything else?" the barista, an acquaintance of his named Ruby, asked.
"Nah, I'm all set."
She looked at him for a moment, her eyes narrowed. Then she glanced behind her and then reached underneath her register. "Here," she said in an undertone. "I take it you haven't seen page eight yet." In her normal voice, she said, "Ten sixty-one."
Gabriel raised his eyebrows for a moment and dug a ten and a five out of his back pocket. Ruby handed him his change, Sam's water and sandwich, and his muffin. "Your coffee will be ready in a minute."
He had just enough time to set the food down before his coffee was ready. As soon as Ruby called his name, he picked up his drink from the counter, gave her another puzzled look, and went back to the table he picked. It was near the window so he could still watch the rain coming down, although it looked like it was letting up. He sat down and flipped to page eight.
At first, he had no idea what he was looking for. It was the engagement announcement page. Huh. Maybe Dean popped the question to Cas. With that cheerful thought in mind, he started scanning. Suddenly, he froze. He was pretty sure his heart had just stopped.
Gupta-Baldur. Kali Gupta, 26, and Joseph Baldur, 29, are delighted to announce their engagement. The couple has been dating for two years and the wedding is scheduled for October 7, 2013.
Numbly, Gabriel shook his head. This can't be right. But right underneath the announcement was a picture of them, and that was definitely Kali. His Kali, up until a few weeks ago. "Two years?" It didn't make any sense!
Except it did. Kali had been cheating on him. And then she dumped him to get engaged to this Joseph Baldur guy. His head was spinning and everything seemed surreal and disjointed. Just like that, every piece of his life that he'd spent the last three weeks carefully reconstructing broke apart in his hands. His breathing was harsh and shallow to his own ears. The pulse in his body seemed heavy and unnatural. Nothing made sense anymore. "She…" He couldn't comprehend it.
Without thinking, he headed for the door.
Sam looked around the coffee shop in confusion. He'd been gone for five minutes, tops, and Gabriel had disappeared. What happened? He glanced toward a barista who seemed to be watching him. Gabriel had been talking to her, hadn't he? He approached the counter. "Ruby," he said, noting the nametag on her apron. "You know that guy I was talking to earlier? Gabriel?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I know him. Why?"
"Did you see where he went? I mean, I wasn't really expecting him to just vanish or anything."
"Yeah. He left."
"He left?"
"Mmhmm. Just a minute ago. Just took off. Didn't even take his coffee." She pointed to the table where he'd been sitting. Sure enough, the cup with Gabriel's coffee was still sitting there next to the newspaper, next to the muffin and his sandwich and water. What the hell?
"Well… did he say anything before he left?"
"Not to me. He looked upset, though."
Sam ran his fingers through his hair and groaned. "Alright. Thanks." He went back to their table and pulled out his phone. He called Gabriel's number and froze.
There was a buzzing coming from beneath the newspaper. He lifted it and saw Gabriel's phone. Damn it. He pocketed both phones and picked up his sandwich plate and Gabriel's coffee, tucking his water bottle into his jacket. "Can I get a box for this?" he asked, holding up the plate.
Ruby wrapped up the sandwich and put it in a box, and Sam threw the muffin in there. He wasn't sure where Gabriel could have gone, but he'd walked. He couldn't have gone far.
After Ruby had accidentally-on-purpose let it slip about Kali's engagement, Gabriel had wandered around in sort of a fog. He found himself incapable of paying attention to anything for longer than ten seconds at a time. Everyone who spoke to him had to repeat themselves at least once. Everything in his head had faded to background noise. Everything, save one thought.
She was cheating on me for two years. Two years. More than half of their relationship. It had all been a fucking lie, but he'd been so delightfully unaware. Yes, ignorance really was bliss. How could I be that stupid? Late nights, whole weekends at the studio—sure, she'd probably been painting some of the time, but that must have been when she'd been hooking up with her other man.
He wandered around for hours before his feet finally brought him back home. He hadn't eaten anything all day but he wasn't hungry. He felt sick and cold, a kind of bone-deep cold that didn't come from the temperature. What the Hell had happened? Four weeks ago, he'd been happy, in love, almost engaged. And now he was alone. His ex-girlfriend had been cheating on him for two fucking years and he never caught on. Had she been that good at hiding it, or had he just been completely blind to it? How big of an idiot could one person be?
He wasn't consciously aware of ever deciding on a course of action. His subconscious simply took over. He seemed to be watching himself through a screen, seeing himself go home, wander through that apartment where they'd created so many beautiful lies together. He suddenly felt as though he hadn't slept in years. His stunned mantra chased itself around in his head, crashing into the sides and itself. It was driving him crazy. All he wanted was that fucking voice in his head to shut up.
And then he knew, suddenly, exactly, what he was doing. Ignoring the annoying chant in his brain, he tore a sheet of paper out of one of Kali's old sketchbooks, one of the many that were half-filled and sitting in her old closet, haunting him. He dug a pen out of his desk, one of the few that hadn't exploded yet. He found the box of sleeping aids in the medicine cabinet. With more care than he'd demonstrated in his life, he emptied every single pill onto the glass coffee table next to a bottle of vodka he'd pulled out of his liquor cabinet. He picked up a fistful, knocked it back, chased it with a generous swig of vodka. For a moment, he paused, and the reality of what he was doing set in. He was going to kill himself. He passed his hand over his eyes and when his fingertips came away wet, he realized he was crying. Just let it stop. I can't take any more of this. Please… Let it stop. Tears flowing freely, he repeated the process—fistful of pills chased by a mouthful of vodka—until every single pill was gone and the bottle was half-empty.
He stared at the page in front of him, one or two tears landing on the sheet, languidly spinning his pen around and around. Now he'd done it. It was inevitable, he supposed. He was already decelerating, his brain tripping slower to a halt. He knew he had to send parting words to someone, but who? Kali? No, fuck her. Cas? Not him, either. Lu? He was a good guy, but not the person to whom you wrote one of these.
Sam? Gabriel buried his face in his hands. Oh, God, Sam. His stomach gave an unpleasant lurch as he scribbled Sam's name across the top of the sheet, trying to figure out what to say. Desperation slanted his words and he closed his eyes to try to concentrate. Finally, as the haze in his head began to set in, he managed to scratch out, I'll miss you.
"Sam," he practically whimpered. Somewhere in the distance, he imagined Sam calling his name. Jesus, why did this moment of clarity have to come now? Just when he'd accepted the end, his brain reminded him of something truly good in his life. Please don't let him blame himself. He pulled the paper closer and started to write I'm sorry but only got as far as the O. The pen seemed to slip from his fingers. He felt himself fall forward, sending the bottle of Stoli crashing to the floor. His vision faded to black, but he still heard that insistent call of his name from Sam. His heart ached. In his last moments, his head had created one final hallucination to ease him away.
He was wrong. He wouldn't miss Sam. He missed him already. He knew as everything slowed to nothing that he would have given anything just to be able to say goodbye to Sam, to see those hazel eyes one last time. He hadn't even given him an explanation—he'd just run out of the damn shop. Now, he was never going to see Sam again. Sammy, I'm so sorry.
And then, with the sound of something shattering, it was over.
I am so fucking sorry, you guys. I promise that you cannot hate me any more than I hate myself right now.
For those of you who couldn't read the chapter, Gabriel found out that Kali had been cheating on him for two years and that she's now engaged to that other man, so he swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills and vodka.