Summary: After Andy's crush falls for Calvin, Andy challenges Calvin to a contest to win her heart over.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by garfieldodie and Swing123
Insanity is in the Air
Yep, it was February. It was only a couple of days before Valentine's Day.
Calvin was preparing for it in the usual way. He planned to give Susie a black paper heart and dead flowers, either hoping to offend her or something else.
Hobbes had his own ideas on the subject.
Right now, Calvin and Hobbes were walking through the woods. Calvin was wearing his blue jacket right now.
"Well, Valentine's Day is coming up!" said Hobbes.
"So what? Who cares?! Not me!" Calvin said angrily.
Hobbes grinned at Calvin slyly.
"Do you have a Valentine this year?" he prodded, getting close to Calvin's face.
"NO!" Calvin shouted, shoving him away.
"Is it Susie?!" Hobbes grinned, winking at him.
"NO!!" Calvin hollered.
"Ooh, I bet it is! I'm sure that this is the year that you finally get up the guts to ask Susie on a date!" Hobbes said, holding his hands in a romantic way.
"WHAT?!?"
"Yep, and when she accepts, you'll go to a movie, and she'll fall asleep on your shoulder, and you'll casually wrap an arm around her and hold her close!"
Calvin snarled angrily.
"Then you'll drive her home and pull out a plastic ring you got her from a gumball machine outside the theater, and you'll get down on one knee…"
"SHUT UP!!"
"…and you'll hold her hand…"
"DON'T YOU DARE!"
"…and you'll ask her that very important question…"
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
"… 'Will you marry me?'"
"THAT DOES IT!"
Calvin jumped Hobbes square in the middle and knocked him to the ground. They began smacking, hitting and yelling at each other.
"TAKE IT BACK!" Calvin screamed.
"The honeymoon will be in Cancun!" said Hobbes.
"TAKE IT BACK!"
"You'll buy an expensive gift for her on all your anniversaries!"
"TAKE IT BACK!"
"You'll snuggle up in front of a fireplace reading romantic poetry to each other!"
"TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK!"
They rolled down Sneer Hill and finally collided with a fence.
They just lay there, panting and gasping for air until they finally got up.
"Truce?" gasped Calvin.
"Okay, truce," sighed Hobbes.
They both dusted themselves off.
"Just another Valentine's Day for us," said Calvin.
"And how. Let's find Andy and Socrates and get a game of Calvinball started," Hobbes suggested.
"Excellent idea. Let's go."
They ran down the sidewalk and crossed the street to the house with the fancy satellite.
Calvin knocked on the door.
Andy answered it.
"Oh, hey guys," he said. "Come on in."
"Hey, Andy," said Calvin. "We were just wondering if you were up for a quick game of Calvinball."
"Maybe a little later. I've got to do something real quick. Socrates and Sherman are in the living room," said Andy, heading for the stairs to his room.
"What's Socrates doing here?" asked Hobbes.
"Something about a chess game. I dunno. I don't really care about that right now."
And he disappeared up the stairs.
Calvin and Hobbes entered the living room.
Socrates and Sherman were sitting on either side of a table with a chess set in between them.
It was quite clear that Sherman was winning.
In fact, Sherman was reading his tiny novel of War and Peace as he waited for Socrates to make a move.
"Hey, guys," said Calvin.
"Hello," said Sherman.
"Can't talk. Must think," said Socrates, still glaring at chess pieces.
Hobbes stared at the board.
"Crateso, you've lost," he said. "You just sitting here is just delaying the inevitable."
"Nonsense! I can do this!"
Sherman sighed.
"Socrates, I'm up to chapter ten in this thing. Please just call it quits!"
"Hey, I never call it quits!" Socrates snarled. "I ain't going down without a fight!"
Everyone watched him.
Socrates picked up a Knight. He moved it down two squares and one to the left.
Sherman picked up a Bishop and knocked it out.
"Checkmate," he said dully.
Socrates was silent for a moment.
"Well…," he said at last. "At least I went down fighting."
Sherman rolled his eyes.
"Sherman, what is Andy doing up there?" Calvin asked.
"Oh, I don't know. He's been up there locked in his room for days now. I can't figure it out. He won't even let me in!"
"Maybe he's hiding something from us," suggested Hobbes.
"What would he hide from us?" asked Socrates. "He's not exactly known for having a personality around here."
Just then, they heard the sound of footsteps coming downstairs.
Everyone whipped around and saw Andy approaching them. He looked a little embarrassed.
"Um, can I ask you guys something?" he asked nervously.
"Sure, what is it?" asked Calvin.
"Well…let's say I had this friend…and he meets this very pretty girl…and let's say this friend wanted to talk to this girl, but he was too shy. What would you recommend to this friend?"
There was a long silence.
And not your standard pause. We're talking six ice ages later pause.
Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Sherman stared at Andy with wide eyes.
Finally, Socrates spoke.
"Am I this friend?" he asked curiously.
"HE'S TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF, MORON!" shouted Calvin.
Andy sighed and covered his face.
Calvin turned back to Andy.
"Andy, you're an intelligent boy. What the heck is with you, falling for a girl? That's almost illegal!"
"Oh come off it, Calvin! I'm eight! I think I'm old enough to have those feelings," Andy said defensively.
Hobbes grinned and slung an arm over Andy's shoulder.
"Why you little charmer you! Who's the lucky lady?"
"Well, her name is Maria. I met her at Best Buy a while ago, and I've been meaning to call her and talk to her, but I've been a bit nervous about it."
"Then I think it's time ol' Hobbes taught you the ways of love."
Calvin groaned.
"Oh boy. Andy, ignore every word of this. Trust me."
Hobbes opened a window.
"Lesson one: love is like a gentle songbird," he said.
As if on cue, a small bird came in and perched itself on Hobbes' finger.
"You must open your trusting heart to its song. You must accept love totally and completely."
He passed the bird on to Andy, who took it on his own finger.
For about three seconds, the bird stared at him.
Then…
CHOMP!
"Ow! Love just pecked at my nose!" Andy yelled.
"Which brings us, sadly, to rule number two…," said Hobbes, letting the bird fly away.
"Hobbes, please stop it!" said Calvin. "This isn't going to work! We need to find a way to explain it to Andy in a way he'll understand."
"Ooh, I know how," said Socrates, getting up.
He stood before Andy.
"Okay, uh, remember that one episode of the Twilight Zone where—"
"Not that way!" Calvin groaned.
Andy sighed.
Later that evening, Andy was sitting in his room, continuing to stare at his phone.
Sherman was preparing for bed in his cage.
"To be perfectly honest Andy, I think the phone can outstare anyone," he sighed.
Andy then pulled on a face of determination.
"I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna call the girl I've given my heart to!" he said, picking up the phone.
"Atta boy!" said Sherman proudly.
Andy slowly began dialing.
However, once he was right before the last number, he suddenly froze, and he slammed the phone down again.
Sherman rolled his eyes.
"I'm gonna turn in early. I'll check for more progress tomorrow," he said, pulling his curtain down around his cage.
Andy sat there, twitching.
"So…very…afraid…to dial," he moaned.
Early the next morning, Calvin and Hobbes entered Andy's house.
Sherman was sitting on the stair railing, waiting for them.
"Okay, Vermin, what's the meaning of you calling us up on Saturday morning?" Hobbes demanded.
"Did I wake you?" Sherman asked.
"No, you interrupted our cartoons. We were up hours ago," said Calvin. "You said something about Andy losing his mind?"
"He's upstairs in his room right now trying to call that girl. He's starting to resort to desperate measures."
"Such as?"
"Well, he's sitting at his computer right now typing up a list of conversation topics for when he actually decides to call her."
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.
They ran up the stairs and slowly entered Andy's room.
Andy was sitting in his chair, typing up an incredibly long list.
"Um, hey, Andy," Calvin said cautiously. "You okay?"
"Fineneverbeenbetterwhydoyouask?" said Andy.
"Well…Sherman says you're typing conversation topics for when you call that girl," said Hobbes.
"Yesthatiscorrect."
Calvin stared at the page count.
"You've got about thirty-six pages there," he said.
"Yepyepgottabepreparedgottabeprepared."
Calvin and Hobbes eyed the page he was on.
"You really think she'll want to talk about Indian Elephant Polo?" Calvin asked.
"Or ostrich meat farming?" asked Hobbes, grimacing.
"SHE MIGHT! SHE MIGHT!" Andy shrieked, frustrated.
"Whoa, calm down there, champ," said Hobbes, patting him on the back. "Of course, I've always thought of spontaneity to be the spice of life."
Andy scrolled up a few pages.
"Uh…uh…HERE! Yes, I agree. Spontaneity is wonderful," he said.
Hobbes groaned.
"Andy, what Hobbes means is that you really need to just go out there and talk to her! Get a conversation going on a topic you know about," said Calvin. "Look, just go find her and get her!"
Andy stared at Calvin for a long time.
Then he pulled on a face of determination.
"You're right, Calvin! I'm going for it! I'm gonna go down to the park and talk to her and win her heart!"
And he shot out of his room, down the stairs and out the door.
Calvin and Hobbes began to follow.
"Hey, take me too! I wanna watch!" shouted Sherman.
Calvin grabbed him and stuck him in his pocket.
They tore down the sidewalk after Andy.
Socrates was walking up the sidewalk playing with a paddleball.
SHOOM!
Andy shot past him like a silver bullet.
Socrates was spun around like a top, causing him to get tangled up in the paddle's string.
"SUNDAY DRIVER!" shouted Socrates.
As they ran past, Hobbes yanked the string and freed Socrates, and then dragged him along behind him.
Andy approached the park. He could see her standing there.
Maria was a seven year old girl who was wearing a pink sweater, long white pants, black hair and a pink hair band.
Andy tugged at his collar and slowly approached her.
Maria was reading a book at a park bench as he slowly approached.
Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates and Sherman all skidded to a halt at the jungle gym to watch.
"Well, here we go," said Calvin.
"Is that her?" asked Socrates.
"Wow! She ain't bad looking!" commented Hobbes.
"Let's just pray for the best," said Sherman.
They all watched young Andy approach the girl. He stood next to her now.
For weeks he'd been preparing for this moment. For weeks, he had planned out the first words he would say to her. And now he takes one last breath and dives into the words of romance.
"Uuuuuhhhh…," he said, drawing a blank.
"Pardon?" asked Maria, looking up.
Nearby, Susie was approaching Calvin.
"Calvin, you jerk!" she said angrily. "What's the meaning of you giving me a black heart for Valentine's Day?! I oughta—"
Calvin put up a hand to silence her.
"Susie, I'd love to argue with you. I really would. But right now, Andy is trying to ask a girl on a date, and I'm trying to listen."
Susie looked over at Andy and Maria.
Andy looked somewhat pale as Maria looked confused.
"Uh…hi! I'm Andy, and I really—COFF!—I—COFF! COFF! COFF!—I really—COFF! COFF! COFF!—like—COFF! COFF! COFF!—you!" he struggled.
Maria now looked somewhat creeped out.
"A regular ladies man at work," commented Socrates.
Maria finally spoke.
"Aren't you Andy?" she asked.
Andy stared.
"You…you know who I am?" he asked, perking up.
"Of course I do, silly!" she said. "I'd know you anywhere!"
Andy's heart soared and a giant grin plastered his face.
Romantic music played through the air.
Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates, Sherman and Susie watched from nearby.
So they all heard it when Maria uttered those fatal words.
"You're Calvin's friend!" she swooned.
The romantic music screeched.
Andy's heart shattered almost.
Everyone stared.
It was completely silent.
Everyone turned and stared at Calvin.
"Calvin's friend?" repeated Andy.
"Calvin's friend?!" gasped Sherman.
"Calvin's friend?!" asked Socrates.
"Calvin's friend?!?" yelled Hobbes.
"Calvin's friend?!?" demanded Susie.
CALVIN'S FRIEND?!?Calvin thought, completely freaked out.
Calvin then observed his surroundings.
He had shocked glances coming at him from every direction.
"Uh-oh…," he muttered.
Calvin's eyes drifted open.
He blinked several times, and looked around.
He was in his bedroom.
He looked around.
He saw Hobbes sitting in a chair eating a tuna sandwich and reading a comic book.
"Ugh... what happened?" Calvin asked, rubbing his head.
Hobbes looked up.
"What? Oh, you fainted after that girl that Andy has a crush on just revealed she liked you."
Calvin's eyes popped open.
"A GIRL!! LIKING MEEEE?!?!"
He sat straight up in bed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"
He crashed back into the pillow.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
Sat up, again.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
Back to the pillow.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
Hobbes watched Calvin for a long time.
Then, finally, a voice rang out from downstairs.
"CALVIN! SHUT UP!!"
Calvin immediately halted his siren at his mother's request.
But that doesn't mean he calmed down.
"A girl can't like ME! I'm head of G.R.O.S.S.! My reputation is ruined!!!"
Calvin curled up into a ball on the floor and began shivering.
Hobbes watched.
He was sorely tempted to begin in on his cupid and Dr I.M.N. Love jokes, but held back.
This was getting interesting.
"Hobbes," Calvin gasped. "That girl likes me!!"
"Yeah, she's nice." Hobbes replied.
"She's wrecked my theory on girls! I can't go on, Hobbes! I can't bear to live in a world where girls like boys and boys like girls! Goodbye old friend!!!"
And with that, Calvin's head fell to the ground, and his eyes slammed shut.
Hobbes stared at him.
"Wait a minute..." Calvin suddenly yelled, sitting up. "She did it on purpose, the little sneak!"
He turned to Hobbes.
"Don't you get it?! She knew it would turn my whole world upside down and cause me to doubt everything that was dear and precious!"
"Almost as if she had something against a boy she's never met." Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.
Calvin leaped to his feet.
"But it won't work, Hobbes!" He yelled. "We must be strong! Even as the rafters of life are crashing down upon our heads! Why are you staring me?!"
"Well, I'm kind of confused..." he began.
Calvin turned away, and gathered his thoughts.
Then he turned back to Hobbes.
"Hobbes, being a dunce has its advantages. You're spared some of life's darkest moments. I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. Andy's at your door."
"What?"
"Andy is at your bedroom door. Looks pretty angry, too."
Calvin blinked.
He stared at Hobbes.
"Oh right. Andy's crush. Life goes on, doesn't it?
Calvin turned around and faced Andy.
"Welcome to the household of Calvin. Please state your business, and get lost. I'm very busy man."
Andy marched over to Calvin and stuck his nose in his face.
"Why does Maria like you all of a sudden?!" He demanded.
"How am I supposed to know? She's a girl."
"You stole her from me!!"
Calvin's eyes popped open.
He stared at Andy for a long time.
"Andy, what kind of cereal do you eat?" He asked, finally.
"So you think you can steal her from me, huh?!" Andy yelled, frantically.
"Ya know, I could probably sum this situation up by discussing a few episodes from The Outer Limits." Calvin said.
"I won't let you steal her!" Andy yelled. "I challenge you to a contest of impressing her! Whoever wins gets her!"
Calvin patted Andy on the head.
"Very well, Andrew. I shall humor you in your trivial pursuits. I think I can work you in next Monday at four. Sound good?"
"Today." Andy growled.
"Well, I'll have to push some goofing off into bedtime, but sure. Why not?"
Before Calvin could do anything else, Andy grabbed his arm, and lead him out.
Hobbes watched them go.
He picked up a telephone, which was there just for the sake of the story, and began dialing.
"Hello? Socrates? Meet me down at the park. And bring popcorn."
And with that, he hung up, and rushed out of the room.
Maria was still in the park, sitting on the bench, reading a book.
Calvin and Andy were a few yards away, hiding behind a tree.
Well at least Andy was.
Calvin was leaning against a rock, examining his fingernails, and wondering what was on TV.
"Alright." Andy said. "Are you ready for the contest?"
Calvin looked up.
"Why yes, Andy, I would love a space jet. How kind of you to ask."
Andy's eyes narrowed.
"Will you listen to me! I'm talking about the contest!"
Calvin stared at him.
"What? Oh. OK. What's the contest?
Andy was tempted to strangle Calvin.
"THE CONTEST FOR MARIA! What do you think I've been talking about for the past few hours!!"
"Well, it had to do with Gamera vs. Zigra. I know that."
Andy's eyes slammed shut.
"Look Calvin. We're both trying to win Maria's heart."
"We are?" Calvin asked.
"Yes." Andy said, through gritted teeth.
"What are you going to do with it?"
Andy stared at him.
"Do with what?"
"Maria's heart. What are you going to do with it if you win?"
Andy gave Calvin a long stare.
He heaved a sigh.
Then, he finally said, "I'm going first.
"Uh huh." Calvin said. "And what are you going to use to impress her?"
Andy pulled out a bouquet of flowers.
Calvin stared at him.
"Huh." He said, finally.
Andy turned around, and started walking towards Maria.
Meanwhile, Hobbes and Socrates had taken up residence on the other side of the park.
They were both watching through binoculars, and listening in on one of those electrical things that allow you to eavesdrop on people. Socrates owned them.
They had just finished listening to Calvin and Andy's conversation, and were ready to burst with insane laughter.
Have we ever discussed Socrates' laughter? He starts out laughing at whatever it was that amused him. Then he keeps laughing. It goes on and on, until finally he's just laughing at the fact that he's still laughing. The laughter stops whenever he passes out, or finally decides to calm down and try to catch his breath.
Sherman in the meantime was reading some physics book on the bench, rolling his eyes at Socrates and Hobbes every time they laughed.
Andy walked up to Maria.
"Hello, Maria..." he began.
Maria looked up.
"Oh, hello, Andy." She said.
Andy cut right to the chase, and handed Maria the flowers.
This caused twisting in Calvin's stomach and laughter from Socrates.
Maria, a little shocked at the flowers, smiled, and took them.
"Thank you Andy, that was sweet of you." She said, beaming at Andy.
Andy grinned.
This is working! I'm impressing her!
Calvin, who at the moment had lost interest in the situation was currently going through files on the MTM, deleting all the empty folders that Socrates had put on it, and began installing a clock into it.
About fifteen minutes into installing the clock, Andy came running up to him.
"I did it, Calvin! I gave her the flowers, and we had a conversation."
"Uh huh, that's nice."
"What are you going to do to impress her?" Andy asked, crossing his arms.
"Elementary my dear Andrew."
Calvin pushed a button the MTM.
Printer activated.
ZZZT ZOOOT ZZZZT ZOOOT ZZZZT ZOOOOT
Calvin and Andy watched as a piece of paper slowly made it's way out of the tip of the MTM.
Calvin grabbed it out, and turned the MTM off.
"If this doesn't impress Maria, then I won't care." He said, showing the paper to Andy.
Andy stared at him.
Calvin turned around, and strode across the sidewalk towards the girl.
"Greetings, Maria, or whatever your name is."
Maria looked up.
She grinned at Calvin.
"Hello, Calvin. I'm happy to meet you."
"Uh huh. Anyway, against my better judgement, I have written a Valentine poem for you."
Maria smiled at Calvin.
"Really? Can I hear it?"
"Well, I'd suppose so, considering it's for you." Calvin said.
Calvin held up the paper and cleared his throat.
"Ahem. Roses are red, violets are violet. Just thought I'd mention that, because Spongebob isn't violent."
Silence filled the land.
Hobbes and Socrates stood motionless on the sidewalk, staring at Calvin.
Even Sherman looked up, to see.
Andy was... well, speechless.
Maria stared at Calvin.
"Well, that was a very... interesting poem..."
Calvin glared at her.
"Well, what do you want? It rhymed, didn't it?"
"Well, I guess..." Maria said, rubbing her chin.
"The twenty seconds I spent on it, sure did test patience." Calvin said, staring at the one line 'poem'. "Anyway, toodle-oo."
And with that, Calvin turned around, and walked back to the tree, leaving a confused Maria on the bench.
Andy stared at Calvin, mouth a gape.
"There." Calvin said, shoving the paper back into the MTM. "Are you happy now?"
"Calvin, that was the worst poem I've ever heard." He said.
"Well, what do I look like, A romance writer?" Calvin demanded. "I have better things to do than write mushy love notes."
Andy rolled his eyes.
"Well, I've written a poem, too. So don't get excited."
"I'm not." Calvin said. "How long is it?"
"Three paragraphs." Andy replied.
"Well, wake me when your done."
Calvin stretched out on the grass, and closed his eyes.
Andy glared at him, and walked towards Maria, again.
This went on for several minutes.
Through it all, Andy had read Maria long romantic poems, given her boxes of chocolate candy, shown her magic tricks, offered to buy her a puppy, and bought her gifts.
Calvin on the other hand, read the same poem to her five times, given her an empty box of chocolate which he had eaten on the way there, discussed the weather with her, offered her Captain Napalm trading cards he already had, and given her coupon for chicken feed at the feed store.
Guess who won?
After Calvin finished reading that so called poem to her for the fifth time, both Andy and Calvin agreed on who won.
And Andy didn't notice that Calvin couldn't have cared less.
"OK." Calvin said, putting everything back into his MTM. "Can I go home, now?"
Andy grinned at Calvin.
"Sure, I'm going to go talk with Maria."
Andy rushed off.
And at that same moment, Socrates, Hobbes, and Sherman came up to Calvin.
"Well, Calvin," Hobbes said. "I'd say congratulations, but you didn't win the contest."
Calvin looked up and stared at Hobbes.
"Oh, that was a contest?"
"What did you think you were doing?!" Sherman demanded.
"I thought it was a poem festival. Oh well."
Hobbes, Socrates, and Sherman moaned.
"Anyway, Valentine's Day in tomorrow, so I have to get cracking on my latest attack on Susie. Say, where is she, anyway?"
"Well, after you fainted, she asked what the heck Maria saw in you, and left." Socrates said.
"Good, my club is a success. Come on, Hobbes. We have plans to plot!"
And with that Calvin rushed off.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Well, that was fun." He said, turning to Socrates.
"Indeed." Socrates grinned. "Andy needs to fall in love with more girls. I've never laughed harder!"
"Yes you have." Hobbes and Sherman said in unison.
"Says you." Socrates said, matter-of-factly.
Meanwhile, Andy had walked up to Maria.
She was now getting ready to leave the park.
She turned to Andy.
"Hello, Andy." She said. "Did you need something?"
"Well, I just wanted to ask you how your day went..." Andy began, shyly.
"Oh it was wonderful." Maria replied.
Andy's heart leaped.
"Calvin sure is funny!"
There was a moment of silence.
"What?" Andy asked.
"The way he read that silly poem to me, and gave me all those gag gifts, he's such a comedian!"
Andy stared at Maria for a long time.
Then he found his voice.
"Well, me and Calvin did our best to make your day bright." He said, finally.
"You did a miraculous job. Thank you, Andy."
And with that, Andy and Maria said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.
Meanwhile, Calvin, Hobbes, Sherman and Socrates were at Calvin's house.
Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates were watching Jimmy Neutron, and Sherman was reading his science magazine.
Suddenly there came a knock at the door.
"Hobbes, would you say come in for me, please?" Calvin asked Hobbes, completely slumped over in the couch.
Hobbes glared at Calvin, but all the same yelled, "COME IN!"
Andy came into the house, looking a little depressed.
"Hey, Lover boy!" Socrates yelled. "Did you impress the woman of your dreams!"
"No." Andy said. "She says she enjoyed all of Calvin's acts better than mine. She enjoys comedians."
Calvin looked up.
"What?! You mean, you didn't win?! What was the point for doing anything?!?"
"I came to tell you that I've gotten over my crush." Andy said. "I don't think I'm ready to have girlfriends, yet."
"Neither am I." Calvin said. "Neither have I ever been. Neither will I ever be. Care to join us? We were just about to fight over what to watch next."
Andy grinned, and sat down on the couch.
Valentine's Day was here.
But Andy wasn't upset that he hadn't impressed Maria.
He and Calvin had had the fun that Valentine's Day had to offer.
Well, Andy did, anyway.
The End
Voice work
Pamela Aldon Segall:Calvin
Tom Hanks:Hobbes
Ryan Stiles: Socrates
Dakota Fanning: Susie
Jennifier Love Hewitt:Maria
Andrew Lawrence: Andy
Colin Mochrie: Sherman
Coming up next: Wid Movie