Summary: Calvin and Hobbes take a trip to the Grand Canyon. Meanwhile, Andy, Sherman, and Socrates have their own troubles at home.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Part one written by garfieldodie
The Insane Road Trip
April…
Calvin and Hobbes were watching television with dull expressions on their faces.
Mom arrived with an excited look on her face.
"Calvin, we're going to drive our west this summer," she said. "We're thinking about the Grand Canyon."
"OK," said Calvin.
Mom left.
May…
Calvin and Hobbes were eating cookies and reading comic books.
Mom was doing the dishes.
"Just a couple more months until we drive our west," she said.
"Yup," said Calvin.
June…
Calvin and Hobbes were preparing for a game of Calvinball.
Right before they ran outside, Mom brought him a suitcase.
"I think you should use this suitcase for the trip," she said.
"Okay," said Calvin, barely looking at it.
Mom left, and Calvin and Hobbes ran outside.
Today…
Calvin and Hobbes were reading comic books on their bed.
Mom and Dad entered.
"All set to go?" Mom asked.
"Go where?" asked Calvin.
Mom and Dad stared.
"To the Grand Canyon," said Dad. "You know? The trip we've been planning for months now?"
"What trip?"
Mom and Dad groaned.
"Look, just pack some stuff, and we'll go in half an hour," said Dad.
And they left.
Calvin and Hobbes stared at each other.
"I hate it when they spring this stuff on us," muttered Hobbes.
"I know," said Calvin. "I'll load up the hypercube. You make a couple of phone calls."
"Okey-dokey," said Hobbes, picking up the MTM.
Calvin proceeded in piling all the inventions into the hypercube. I needn't go into detail, I assume.
Hobbes, meanwhile, was using the MTM to phone their friends.
A little while later, Socrates, Andy and Sherman arrived at the window and climbed in.
Hobbes was there to greet them.
"Hello, Hobbo!" said Socrates.
"Hey, Hobbes," said Andy.
"Hello, you flea-ridden mangy feline," said Sherman.
"Socrates. Andy. Vermin," said Hobbes.
"What's the deal?" asked Andy.
"Eh, Calvin and I are being dragged on a cross-country trip to the Grand Canyon with his parents. Your reason for being here shall be addressed in three…two…one."
Calvin entered the room.
"Hello, boys," he said. "I'm sure Hobbes has informed you of our predicament."
The others nodded.
"Good. Now then, we're gonna need you to do a few house chores while we're gone," Calvin said.
Socrates and Andy stared at him.
"What?" asked Socrates.
"That's all we do in this special?" demanded Andy.
"We do chores for you while you're on vacation?"
"Hey, you guys can't come with us everywhere!" said Calvin. "We need to have some adventures on our own too, ya know!"
Sherman nodded.
"He's right. We're better off here. Odds are that something big and dangerous is going to happen while they're on the trip, and we're safe here."
Socrates and Andy took it into consideration.
"Okay, we'll stay," said Socrates.
"What do you require from us, oh great and spiky master?" Andy asked sarcastically.
"Sorting mail, mowing lawn, taping our shows, water plants… The basics," said Calvin.
"And no playing with the water sprinklers," said Hobbes, eyeing Socrates.
"Oh, one time!" said Socrates defensively.
"Five times, actually," said Calvin.
"No, actually six," said Andy. "That last one knocked you unconscious."
"All the more reason to warn you now," said Hobbes.
Socrates rolled his eyes.
"So, you're all okay with it?" Calvin asked.
"No, but we'll do it anyway," said Andy.
"Yeah, when can we expect our first paycheck?" asked Socrates.
"YOU'RE DOING IT FOR FREE, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!" yelled Calvin.
"Yes, sir."
"CALVIN!" shouted Dad. "IT'S TIME TO GO!"
"See ya later, guys!" said Calvin, grabbing the hypercube.
"See ya in a week!" said Hobbes.
They ran out the door and downstairs.
They emerged into the daytime outside to see Mom and Dad were finishing with loading the car up.
"Explain to me why we're doing this," Calvin demanded.
"It's just a family vacation, Calvin," said Mom. "Sightseeing, conversation, and some plain, old-fashioned family togetherness."
"That sounds nice," said Calvin as he and Hobbes climbed into the backseat. He pulled a blanket out and lay down under it. "Be sure to tell me all about it." And he proceeded in falling asleep.
Mom sighed.
Hobbes thought napping would be a good idea, so he went to sleep right away on the floor.
Dad started up the car, and they pulled away.
Back in the bedroom, Socrates, Andy and Sherman watched as they drove away and disappeared.
"Sooooo…," said Socrates. "We are in a house with load of eggplant casserole, comic books, fishing rods, camping supplies, and a bunch of other stuff that is about as old as a Pong game."
"What's Pong?" asked Andy.
"I have no idea. It just sounded appropriate."
Sherman rolled his eyes.
"Well, I'm going to go take a nap somewhere," he said, and he scurried away. "Don't wait up."
"Won't bother," replied Socrates.
Suddenly, the house started to rumble.
"Tell that's your stomach," whispered Sherman, who had come to a halt.
"Maybe its thunder?" suggested Andy.
"From…under…ground?" asked Socrates.
BLAM!
Everyone was in the living room in nearly a second.
"WHAT THE HECK—?!" shouted Socrates.
"What kind of bird would leave a dropping that big?" demanded Andy.
In the middle of the room was a giant capsule.
Smoke was coming off of it as it had just come out of a hole in the floor.
A door suddenly swung open.
Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared at it, wide-eyed.
And out stepped…
…oh brother…
…Dr Brainstorm.
"Oh, it's only you," said Andy.
"Only me!" Dr Brainstorm snapped. "Come on! I'm more threatening than I look!"
"Pal, the hole you just came out of is deadlier than you," said Sherman.
"Ha! I'll have you know—!"
Brainstorm approached them, but he tripped over a broken piece of wood and fell down.
"The wood you tripped over is more threatening you," said Socrates.
"JACK! HELP ME UP!" Dr Brainstorm shouted.
Jack the robot emerged from the pod.
"Hey, guys. How's tricks?" he asked.
"Hey, Jack," said Andy. "We're good."
"JACK! GET YOUR ATTENTION AND POINT IT OVER HERE AT ME!" yelled the heap on the floor.
"Coming," Jack muttered.
He helped Brainstorm to his feet.
"He would've gotten more done from down there," said Socrates.
Jack nodded in agreement.
Brainstorm growled.
"That does it! Prepare to feel the wrath of my Zapper-Dapper-Mocha-Frapper!" he shouted.
And he pulled out a purple rectangular device that sparkled electricity.
Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared at him with dull expressions.
"Okay," said Andy, cracking his knuckles. "This should take us about a minute and a half."
"Make it two full minutes," said Socrates, who extended his claws. "I need the exercise."
"Doable."
Jack sat back in the pod with a bag of popcorn.
"Let the games begin," he said.
Back on the road, Calvin and Hobbes were awake again, and were now wishing they weren't.
It was a long way to the Grand Canyon, and they were bored to death.
Calvin let out a sigh.
"Come on, Calvin," said Mom. "It's a family vacation. Not a prison sentence."
Calvin looked around the car.
"Locked doors, restraint device, constant supervision by authority figures…," he said. "Whatever you say, warden."
Mom scowled.
"Okay, maybe it is a prison sentence, but doggone it! It's a family prison sentence!"
"That's the spirit," said Dad, who kept his eyes on the road.
Calvin turned to Hobbes, who had managed to find a CD player and was listening to music.
Calvin sighed and looked out the window.
Life's like a road that you travel on when there's one day here and the next day gone. Sometimes you bend and sometimes you stand. Sometimes you turn your head to the wind.
The car drove out over bridges and through tunnels.
Calvin moaned about his ever-growing boredom.
Mom yelled at Calvin to be quiet.
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door where blues won't haunt you anymore. Where brave are free and lovers soar. Come ride with me to the distant shore.
They stopped to take a picture in front of Mt Rushmore.
All four former-presidents carved into the rock stared ahead with their smug expressions.
Mom set up the camera and ran to join the others at the observatory mark.
Click!
Mom and Dad were smiling wide, Calvin was sticking his tongue out, and Hobbes was looking away.
We won't hesitate…break down the garden's gate. There's not much time left today.
Hobbes watched on as Calvin was berated by Mom and Dad, but it was blocked out by the music.
Life is a highway. I wanna ride it all night long. If you're going my way, I wanna drive it all night long.
Next stop was a museum.
Calvin simply glared as he walked because there were no dinosaurs.
Mom and Dad simply walked around, talking about the beauty of the disgusting paintings.
Hobbes simply walked around and stared into space.
Through all these cities and all these towns. It's in my blood and it's all around.
I love you now like I loved you then. This is the road and these are the hands.
Calvin then found an exhibit marked World's Oldest Tree.
It was a gigantic log on a platform. It had plaques on certain spots, marking various events.
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged disgusted glances.
"Anything for the museum," sighed Calvin.
Then Calvin got an idea. He began rooting through the Hypercube.
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights, the Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights.
When Mom and Dad arrived at the tree, they saw a piece of paper on it, pointed somewhere between "Fall of the Roman Empire" and "Magna Carta Signed".
It read "We leave for stupid vacation."
Knock me down get back up again. You're in my blood. I'm not a lonely man.
Dad glared at Calvin.
"Very funny," he muttered.
There's no load I can't hold. Road so rough; this I know. I'll be there when the light comes in. Just tell 'em we're survivors.
Another photo op was when they drove past Stonehenge.
Mom set up the camera and ran to join them.
Click!
Mom was smiling, Dad looked bleak, Calvin was sticking a finger up his nose, and Hobbes was looking away again.
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme yeah. If you're going my way, I wanna drive it all night long.
Dad soon checked them into a motel for a night.
Calvin and Hobbes were up all night reading comic books under their bed sheets with a flashlight.
There was a distance between you and I. A misunderstanding once, but now we look in the eye.
The next day, Calvin and Hobbes were asleep again in the car.
Dad looked in the rearview mirror at them, disgusted.
"Tuh! All that kid ever does is sleep," he muttered.
As they continued to drive, Calvin suddenly snapped awake. He noticed that there was a red lever under Dad's seat.
Suddenly, Dad's chair shot up into the air.
Dad whacked his head on the ceiling.
Then he suddenly started to sink lower and lower.
"Calvin, go back to sleep!" he ordered.
There ain't no load that I can't hold. Road so rough; this I know. I'll be there when the light comes in. Just tell 'em we're survivors.
As they drove some more, they drove through those trees that are so large that they had tunnels cut through them for cars to go through.
Mom and Dad oohed and ahhed.
Calvin just got whacked in the face by an acorn thrown by a squirrel.
Life is a highway. I wanna ride it all night long. If you're going my way, I wanna drive it all night long.
It wasn't long before they finally pulled up to a gate in front of the Grand Canyon.
A guy stood there at the entrance wearing a light brown uniform and a ranger's hat.
"Hello," he said. "Welcome to the Grand Canyon. It costs twenty bucks to get in."
Dad stared.
"Twenty bucks just to get into the Grand Canyon?" he demanded.
The man glared at him.
"Hey, don't patronize me," he said. "All day long, I have to stand here in ninety degree heat just to negotiate this price with whiny people like you…and I have to do it while wearing an outfit that disturbingly resembles that of a UPS delivery guy."
Dad looked at him uncomfortably.
"Um…here's thirty," he said, handing him some tens.
"Thank you. You may proceed."
He opened the gate, and Dad found a decent parking space.
A little later, Calvin, Hobbes, Mom and Dad were standing near a sign.
Dad was standing there, reading it, and he had a contemplative look on his face.
The sign read: "Can you walk a hundred miles in 24 hours? If not, don't try to hike the Grand Canyon all in one day!"
Hobbes was watching. "I love how he's still considering it," he whispered.
"You get winded walking to the garage!" Calvin shouted.
They walked away and sat at a picnic table.
The man from the booth was sitting there, eating his lunch.
"Hey, kid," he said. "Enjoying your stay?"
"Nope," said Calvin.
"Neither am I."
Hobbes stared at him.
"Boy, this guy looks familiar," he whispered.
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Calvin whispered back.
Then he turned to the man.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Eh, the guys around here call me Klein the Guide," he said.
"Huh," said Calvin. "Do you have relatives that are a judge and a music teacher?"
"Yeah. You know 'em?"
"Yep."
It turned out Klein was much like his relatives. He hated his job, but only kept it to keep his house.
"What brings you to this oversized pothole?" Klein asked.
"Family togetherness," Calvin replied.
"Oof. You're in a rough ride, kid. My advice? Keep all foods that give your parents gas away from them."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"Come on, kid. I'll show ya something."
Klein walked Calvin and Hobbes over to the ledge that overlooked the Grand Canyon.
"Wow…," said Hobbes, who took out a pair of binoculars.
"Now look down," said Klein, who pointed downwards.
Calvin and Hobbes stared into the gorge.
"Cool…," said Calvin.
"Yep. This is what the world looked like several million years ago."
He paused.
"Just try to erase the Happy Meal wrapper from the image," he said weakly.
"Yeah, I was gonna say…," Calvin said.
"So, ya wanna see what else there is?"
Calvin thought for a while.
"Gee, I could either stay here and get forced to go on a hike with Mom and Dad, or I could go with you… Gee, such a choice. Let's go," he said.
Klein, Calvin and Hobbes walked away.
Back at the house, Dr Brainstorm was climbing back into his pod.
He was beaten up and feeling very dizzy.
"Come, Jack! The force is too strong! We must return and reload!" he said.
"Okay," said Jack, who waved goodbye to Socrates, Andy and Sherman. "See you guys later."
"See ya," said Andy.
"Wouldn't wanna be ya," said Socrates.
Jack closed up the pod, and it dove back down the hole in the floor.
Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared at the hole.
"We, uh, should probably…fix this," said Andy at last.
"Yeah, we should," said Sherman.
They stared at it for a while.
"Of course, no right now," said Socrates.
"Oh, of course not," said Sherman.
"Right, I mean, I just ate," said Andy.
They all sat down on the chair and began to watch TV.
Or at least, they tried.
At that moment, a loud BLAM was heard from outside.
"What now?" Sherman moaned.
"I'll go look," said Socrates.
Socrates got up, peeked out the window, and then came back.
"What was it?" asked Andy.
"Eh, some spaceship. I'll deal with it."
Socrates came outside.
There were three aliens standing there. They had yellow compound eyes, sharp teeth, gelatinous bodies and uniforms that read ZOK on them.
Their names were Dave, Lenny, and Biff.
"Is this the Earth Potentate's house?" asked Lenny.
"You mean Calvin? Yeah, this is his house," said Socrates.
"Good. We're here to destroy him," said Biff.
"Why did Rupert and Earl send you three?"
"It's their day off," said Dave.
"Well, that's nice. Anyway, Calvin isn't here. He's off on vacation, so I'm in charge."
"Okay," said Biff. "Will you give us Earth?"
"No."
The three aliens stared.
"Boy, we didn't plan on that," whispered Lenny.
"I'll try," said Dave.
Dave scooted towards Socrates.
"Can we have Earth please?" he asked.
"No."
"Wow, his will is impenetrable," Dave whispered dramatically.
Socrates rolled his eyes.
"So…no Earth?" asked Biff.
"Nope. But I have an idea."
"We're listening," said Lenny.
Klein led Calvin and Hobbes to the office.
"So, what's all this?" asked Calvin.
"It's the security camera room," said Klein. "Here, we can see everything that happens in the park."
"Anything good here?"
"How does an endless supply of donuts grab ya?" asked Klein, handing him a box of Krispy Kreme donuts.
"HOT DOG!" cheered Calvin.
"We got those too."
Klein handed him a couple of hotdogs.
"I'm beginning to enjoy this place," said Hobbes, who took a hotdog.
"Are the sodas here any good?" asked Calvin.
"Sodas? They're more than sodas. More like icy nectar from the gods!" Klein said, tossing him a Dr Pepper.
Calvin opened it up and swigged it down in one gulp.
"BELCH!" he said.
Klein chuckled.
"Not bad," he said.
He took a swig from a Sprite.
"BRAP!"
Calvin and Klein then engaged in a belching contest.
Hobbes watched with great interest.
"It's not everyday we find a cool adult," he commented.
Meanwhile, Dad and Mom were hiking up along the Grand Canyon's ledge.
Mom was exhausted.
"How much further until we can go back?" she demanded.
"Go back?" Dad asked. "We're taking the challenge! We're going around the whole thing in one day!"
Mom stared.
"What? Are you insane?"
"Nope! Just itching for adventure!" Dad said excitedly.
"That's a pretty bad rash," Mom commented. "We're going back."
"Why should we go back?" Dad demanded. "I'm having a great time!"
"Have a great time by yourself. I'm going back to the car."
And Mom turned to leave. Dad stared for a while.
"Fine! Go ahead and leave! See if I care! I'll go and enjoy myself! I'll show ya! I'll show all of you!"
But while Dad was ranting and Mom was storming, there was a bit of a problem emerging.
Back at the ranger station, Calvin and Klein's burping contest was escalating.
"Okay," said Calvin, grabbing two bottles of Pepsi. "Get ready for the big one."
"Ooh, the tension is killing me," Klein replied sarcastically.
Hobbes put a clothespin on his nose, just to be safe.
"Fire in the hole!" he said, and he backed away into a corner.
Calvin drank both bottles down in less than fifteen seconds.
Then he started to jump up and down a little to get it going.
"Okay, give it a minute," he said.
There was a pause.
Hobbes had his ears plugged.
Klein had his arms crossed, and was waiting patiently.
Finally, Calvin felt something, and he quickly noticed a giant megaphone nearby.
He ran over and turned it on.
"Here we go," he said.
Then he leaned into the megaphone's speaker, and then…
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCCCCHH!!!!!"
Everything shook all over the Grand Canyon.
The vibrations caused Klein to slip and fall.
Hobbes held on to a table leg.
"Whoa Nelly!" he cried.
The noise was heard for miles around.
Down below, Dad stopped ranting and Mom stopped walking.
They'd obviously heard it.
"Calvin…," they muttered angrily.
But there was worse to follow.
The vibrations from the belch caused the ground to shake, and the ground crumbled away from beneath them.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" they screamed.
Mom and Dad found themselves tumbling down the side of the Grand Canyon towards the bottom.
But fortunately, they landed on a cliffside sticking out of the side.
Unfortunately, they were trapped fifty feet down, and they were unable to climb back up as there was nothing to grip.
"Uh-oh," said Dad. "We're in trouble."
"You really think so?" Mom asked sarcastically.
Back at the ranger station, Klein was on his feet again and clapping.
"Bravo," he said approvingly. "That was ten star material right there!"
"Thank you, thank you," said Calvin, taking a bow. "Now then, onto those donuts."
Calvin grabbed a chocolate sprinkled donut and bit into it.
"I think I've found my calling," said Calvin. "I'll be a park ranger when I grow up!"
"Hey, good food isn't the only reason I keep the job," said Klein.
"What else is there?"
"Well, there's always a good show in the movie room right about now. What say we go see?"
"Can we bring the food?"
"Sure."
"Let's go!"
Calvin and Hobbes grabbed as much of the food as they could, and Klein led them out of the building.
They failed to notice Mom and Dad were on one of the video cameras, trapped on their ledge.
Back at the house, Socrates was bringing some cups out to the aliens.
"Okay, boys. Here are your milkshakes. One's chocolate, one is strawberry, and one is peanut butter," he said, handing one to each of them.
"Thank you!" said Dave happily.
"Sure thing. We all good now?" he asked.
The three aliens nodded, slurping their shakes.
"Good. Now go home."
The three aliens nodded.
They quickly climbed into their ship and took for home.
Socrates sighed and went inside.
Andy and Sherman were still watching TV.
"Okay, whatever happens next, you two have to handle it," Socrates said, climbing back into the chair.
"Whatever," said Andy.
"Mmph," said Sherman.
And they resumed watching television.
To Be Continued…