Summary: Calvin and Hobbes are forced to stay at Susie's house when Roslayn can't babysit.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by garfieldodie and Swing123
A Club's Blow
It was that time again.
Mom and Dad hadn't gone on a date in months. They had had to make an agreement to only go on one every six months so as to avoid incredible deductions in their wallets.
The dates are never too much, but Rosalyn is always too expensive.
Mom and Dad don't necessarily like Rosalyn, but she's all they can ever get.
Dad was staring intently at the calendar as he tied his tie.
A day was circled that was marked DATE NIGHT.
"Are you ready yet, dear?" he called. "Rosalyn could be here at any minute."
"I'm just doing my hair!" she replied from the bathroom.
Calvin walked in carrying Hobbes.
"Hasn't she been doing her hair for the past two hours?" he asked.
"It's a complicated world, my son," Dad sighed, leaning against the counter.
Just then, the phone rang.
Dad answered.
"Hello? Hello, Rosalyn. When are going to…?"
He trailed off and looked a little depressed.
"The flu? But…but…but it's our date night! You promised you'd baby-sit Calvin!"
Calvin looked up excitedly.
"No! Rosalyn, no! You can't do this to us! NO!" Dad screamed into the phone desperately. "We'll pay you double! Triple! Quadruple! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!!"
By now, Dad was on his knees, cradling the phone.
Calvin put a jacket over his shoulders.
Mom came in.
"Dear, what's going on?" she asked.
"Rosalyn's sick," Dad said sadly.
"What?! NO!!" she cried.
She grabbed the phone.
"Rosalyn, you can't do this! You planned this out, didn't you?! You're just trying to torture us! I SWEAR, BEFORE I DIE, I SHALL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR SICKLING! I SWEAR IT!!!"
Dad grabbed her and tried to calm her down.
"DEAR! DEAR! She's got the flu! Relax!" he shouted.
Mom let go of the phone and caught her breath.
"I'm fine. I'm fine," she sighed.
Calvin and Hobbes had been watching this.
"They need to get out more," said Hobbes.
Calvin nodded.
Dad muttered an apology to Rosalyn and hung up.
"Well, that's it," said Calvin. "Guess date night's off. The four of us can enjoy a nice Paramount home video."
Mom and Dad stared at him.
"No," said Dad. "We can just…call another sitter."
Mom got up and pulled out the phone book.
"Let's get started," she said.
An hour later, Dad was asleep at the table while Mom held a phone up to her ear.
"…so it's agreed, Mrs. Derkins? You can watch Calvin? No, he won't be any trouble. I promise," she said, exhausted. "Thank you. We owe you very much."
Mom hung up.
Dad woke up.
"Huh? Wha…? What happened?"
"The Derkins agreed to watch Calvin."
"Huh boy. Trapping Calvin in a house with Susie? That's cruel, even for us," Dad commented.
"Well, its Date Night, darn it and we need to get out once in a while!" said Mom firmly.
"He'll never agree to it. We'll never even get him to the door."
"We just won't tell him," Mom said decidedly.
Dad sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"All right, we'll try."
Calvin was led outside with Hobbes slung over his shoulder.
"So…who is this babysitter?" he asked.
"Oh, just someone who lives nearby. We'll walk you there," said Dad.
"Okay, well, no complaints from this end. Anyone's better than Rosalyn," he said scornfully.
Hobbes nodded in agreement.
"Attila the Hun is better than Rosalyn," he went on. "Crazy Louie would be better than Rosalyn! Dr Clayton Forrester would be better than Rosalyn. Laurie Foreman would be better than Rosalyn! Let's face it. Hal Warren would be better than Rosalyn! That was the worst movie I ever saw!"
Calvin was so busy complaining that he didn't realize where he was following his parents.
Mom knocked on the door.
Susie answered.
Calvin stared at her.
"On second thought, Rosalyn's only appeared in one episode during this entire show. Let's bring her back!" he said.
Calvin attempted to turn and run, but Mom grabbed him.
"Calvin, no!" said Mom. "You're going to behave yourself!"
"Sez you!" Calvin retorted.
Susie rolled her eyes.
Mom and Dad ushered Calvin and Hobbes into the house.
"My parents are in the other room," said Susie to his parents.
Mom and Dad went to the living room.
Calvin and Susie glared at each other.
Hobbes sat behind Calvin, observing.
"You know, Calvin, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee," said Susie curtly.
Without batting an eyelash, Calvin replied.
"Susie, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Susie snorted and left them room.
Hobbes stared at him.
"Where the heck did that come from?!" he cried. "Did you actually just say that right off the cuff?!"
Calvin grinned and shrugged.
"Man, that was the best comeback ever!" Hobbes said, giving him a low-five.
Mom and Dad waved goodbye and left.
Calvin watched them leave.
"Hobbes, this is quite obviously the biggest GROSS breach in history!" he said.
"What would you suggest?" Hobbes asked.
"Emergency meeting in the upstairs bathroom! Move!"
Calvin and Hobbes started to run upstairs, but halfway up, they were stopped by Susie.
"All right, freak, let's get some rules straight! You are in my house, and therefore, you are under my rules! Got it?" she snarled.
"You know, Susie, you're never gonna be valedictorian with that attitude," Calvin said, smirking slightly.
Susie glared.
"Rule number one: no going in my room. Rule number two: don't eat the cookies on the counter. They're mine. Rule number three: don't bother me when I'm watching my movies. Rule number four: don't touch any of my stuff."
"You know, rule number four sounds like it belong a little higher up on the list," interrupted Calvin.
"Rule number five: do…not…bug me," she said forcefully, getting in Calvin's face.
And with that, she stomped away to her room.
Calvin watched her leave.
"Oo-kay, where were we?" he asked.
"Uh, we were running towards the bathroom," said Hobbes.
"Oh, right! Let's resume!"
They continued running into the bathroom.
Hobbes locked the door, and they dove into the shower. Calvin pulled the shower curtain around them.
"Man, there must be sixty different shampoos in here," said Hobbes, looking around.
Calvin pulled two paper hats out of his pocket and gave one to Hobbes.
They put them on.
"Oyez! Oyez! This emergency meeting of the GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS will now come to order, the honorable Dictator-for-Life Calvin presiding!" Calvin said boldly.
Hobbes saluted.
"Men, we are faced with a great opportunity. We have finally infiltrated the home of a slimy girl. The enemy, Susie Derkins, has taken us prisoner, and we are now to take advantage of this situation and unleash our annoyingness on her!" Calvin said grandly.
Hobbes stared.
"What, we're not going to kill her?" he asked.
Calvin stared at him.
"You…are sick!"
"Just checking," Hobbes sighed.
"Anyway, this is the proposed plan. Write this down, Secretary Hobbes."
Hobbes pulled out the notepad and pencil.
"Okay, today, the enemy has given us our prison rules. We aren't to enter her sleeping quarters, eat her rations, heckle the feature film, put our fingers on our things, and, of course, not to bug her. That last one seemed important to her, seeing as how she said that one through gritted teeth. I propose that we break each of these rules. The enemy shall be ticked off beyond belief. She has none of her friends here to help her."
"Actually, she has her parents," said Hobbes. "And then they'll get your parents."
Calvin thought.
"Hmmm, good point. We'll have to do this with complete secrecy," he said.
"How? Susie's pretty smart. She'll figure this out and know that it's you."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, I highly doubt she thinks her parents are secretly out to annoy her."
"Isn't that kind of a given with all parents?" Calvin asked.
Hobbes nodded thoughtfully.
"All right, we're going to need an alibi."
"Should we think of one now?"
"Nah. It'll come to me in the moment."
Hobbes rolled his eyes. He knew how this usually worked out.
"So, shall we begin the mission, President and First Tiger Hobbes?" asked Calvin.
"Indeed, sir," replied Hobbes, saluting again.
Calvin saluted as well.
"Very well then. Meeting adjourned men! Let's move out!"
Calvin and Hobbes poked their heads out of the bathroom.
Susie and her parents were nowhere in sight.
"Okay," Calvin said. "Phase one commencing."
They quietly snuck from the room.
It was not a very long way to Susie's room, but it felt like miles.
Calvin tiptoed towards the small table with a vase on it.
He checked beyond it, and then motioned for Hobbes to follow.
Using his slick tiger abilities, Hobbes slunk over towards him, his tail twitching.
Calvin checked a second time, and then rolled over towards the other wall towards another table, which he immediately crawled under.
There was a pause as he held up a hand to keep Hobbes from following.
Just then, Susie came out of her room.
Calvin quickly hid himself under the table cloth.
Hobbes looked away quickly.
Susie locked her door and walked past, not noticing either of them.
Calvin peeked.
Then he motioned for Hobbes to come out of hiding.
They both bolted for the door.
Calvin glanced at Hobbes and nodded slightly.
Hobbes held a finger out and let out one of his claws. Then he stuck it into the lock and turned it around. There was a click from inside the lock that made their hearts jump.
Calvin gently turned the knob, and with much stealth, they opened the door and entered.
They stared at it.
"Okay, there are seriously too many unicorns in one place," said Hobbes.
Calvin nodded.
"I didn't know a six-year-old could find Jesse McCartney that attractive," added Calvin.
"So what do we do while we're here?" asked Hobbes.
"We just stand here. Already, we're breaking the first rule. We just let nature take its course."
"How long will that take?"
"Oh, not long. I'm part of nature."
Calvin leaned out the door.
"OH, SUSIE! WE'RE IN YOUR ROOM!" he said in a singsong voice.
Susie immediately came storming up the stairs.
"CALVIN, GET YOUR STUPID TIGER OUT OF MY ROOM!" she hollered.
Calvin complied by tossing Hobbes out of the room.
But he remained where he was.
"There. Hobbes is out of sight, and out of mind," he said.
"I WANT YOU OUT OF SIGHT, TOO!" she hollered.
Calvin then covered Susie's eyes with his hand.
"There. Now you can't see me."
Susie growled.
"GET YOUR HAND OFF OF MY FACE!" she screamed.
Calvin did so.
"Man, this is my new favorite interactive game," Calvin said, chuckling slightly.
"GET OUT OF THIS ROOM!"
Calvin went into the closet.
"GET OUT OF MY CLOSET!"
Calvin exited the closet.
"I WANT YOU TO LEAVE!"
Seeing no way around that one, Calvin exited the bedroom completely.
Susie growled and slammed the door.
WHAM!
Calvin and Hobbes were knocked onto their rears.
They stared at the door for a while.
Then they grinned, and gave each other a high-five.
"Man," Calvin chuckled. "And I thought this was gonna be a bad day."
"You're keeping a cool head," Hobbes commented. "I like it when you're like this, rather than screaming your head off about everything."
"Well, I feel the situation calls for it. Now let's move on to the next part of the plan."
They ran downstairs.
When Calvin and Hobbes reached the stairs, they looked around to make sure Susie's parents hadn't heard the commotion.Heh, heh. They didn't.
Mr Derkins had one of those Bose earphone things on, while reading a book in the livingroom, and Mrs Derkins was outside in the garden.
Calvin cut his eyes from side to side.
He turned to Hobbes.
"Okay, Hobbes, Susie has locked himself in her bedroom, so the next task will be easy! All we have to do is eat the cookies off the counter and wait for Susie to come downstairs, and notice them gone!"
"Uh huh." Hobbes said. "And how are we going to do that? Mr Derkins has a very clear view of the cookie jar."
Calvin looked up.
Hmmm.
It was then that Calvin noticed the design of the kitchen.
The counter, which held the target, was up against the wall next the doorway leading to the living room. And Mr Derkins' chair was sitting in full view of the doorway.
In other words, if Calvin or Hobbes tried to walk up to take the jar, Mr Derkins would see them.
Calvin rubbed his chin in thought.
"Hmm, that could be a problem."
Calvin thought for a moment, then, suddenly, and much to Hobbes' terror, his eyes brightened.
He snapped his fingers.
"I got it!" He said.
He reached into his pocket, and pulled out...
Uh, a chrome CD player with a red stripe going around it.
Hobbes stared at the MTM for a long throbbing moment.
"I think my heart just stopped." He said.
Calvin rolled his eyes, and opened the Main Menu.
Greetings from the land of talking CD players. What do you want?
Calvin leaned in, and whispered, "I need to put your new manipulator hands into action."
For a while, the MTM didn't answer, and then,
And, uh, what exactly did you plan on picking up with them?
Calvin rolled his eyes.
"Just give me them." He growled.
Manipulators activated
At that very moment, the end of the MTM began glowing, indicating that the hypercube was kicking in.
Then, a pair of black gloves fell out.
Calvin set the MTM on the floor, and picked up the gloves.
Hobbes, meanwhile, was watching from a safe five feet away.
His thoughts on this were, if the gloves suddenly blew up for no apparent reason while Calvin was holding them, he would escape with minor injuries.
Uh huh.
Calvin put the gloves on, and pushed a button on them.
Immediately, a white glow surrounded the gloves, and the MTM's hypercube kicked in again.
Then, out of the tip of the CD player, came a pair of mechanical arms with two hands and grasping robot fingers.
Calvin's mouth curled up into a sinister grin.
Slowly, Calvin pushed his hands forward, the gloves held in front of him, and open.
The mechanical arms did the same, stretching out of the MTM, and towards the counter.
Carefully, Calvin lifted his hands over his head, and brought them down onto an invisible surface.
The mechanical arms reached around the counter, out of sight of Mr Derkins, and then came to rest on it.
Hands flat, Calvin began moving his arm forward, as far as they would go.
The mechanical arms slid across the counter, making not a noise, and finally made it to the cookie jar.
Calvin gave Hobbes a wink.
Hobbes stood next to Calvin, wondering why he couldn't just use CD players like every other six year old.
Calvin lifted his hands upward, and grasped a round invisible object.
The arms reached upward, and took hold of the cookie jar, carefully.
Then, Calvin began moving his arms back, still holding his hands out in the grasping position.
The cookie jar began sliding away from the door, and towards Calvin and the MTM.
Then the arms lifted the cookie jar off of the counter, and brought back around to where Calvin was.
Calvin grinned, and gently set the cookie jar in front of him and Hobbes.
Then, he pushed another button on the gloves.
The MTM's hypercube kicked in a third time, and suddenly inhaled the mechanical arms, as well as the gloves that controlled them.
Calvin wiped some sweat from his brow, and turned a grin onto Hobbes.
"Well, Hobbes, here it is, shall we dig in?"
Hobbes stared at the MTM.
"Well, actually I just lost my appetite, you go ahead."
Calvin stared at Hobbes.
He shrugged, and then sat down in front of the cookie jar.
A little later, Susie emerged from her bedroom.
She looked around several time for Calvin, locked her door, again, tested it to make sure it was locked, then moved downstairs.
She was shocked to find Calvin in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table with his stuffed tiger, discussing the purpose of the universe with him.
Susie glared at him, murderously, and moved forward to the cookie jar sitting on the counter in the exact same spot it was at fifteen minutes ago.
She picked the lid up, and reached inside.
Her eyes popped open.
Her hand felt the inside of the jar, several times.
It was empty.
There weren't even any crumbs in it.
Ho boy.
It was then that Susie heard Calvin's voice.
"Say, Susie, Hobbes thinks that we're here on planet Earth so the tigers will have something to eat. What do you think?"
Susie's head swung around.
"CALVIN!" She screamed. "You ate all our cookies!!"
"I did?" Calvin asked.
He thought for a moment.
"Oh, yes, I suppose I did. Those chocolate chip and caramel cookies of your Mom's was pretty good, I might add. Might I see the recipe?"
Susie jabbed her finger at the door towards the living room.
"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" She screamed
Calvin jumped off the chair with Hobbes, and entered the living room.
He turned around, and faced Susie.
"There. I have left the kitchen."
"GO AWAY!" She bellowed.
Calvin snapped his fingers, then walked away.
Calvin then looked around for Mr and Mrs. Derkins.
Mrs Derkins was now out talking to the neighbor, and Mr Derkins was reading the newspaper, still wearing those earphones.
How convenient.
Soon, three o'clock rolled around, and it was time for Susie's movie to start.
She walked into the living room, and turned the TV on to Starz.
ZOOM!
In an instant, Calvin and Hobbes were there, sitting on the floor in front of the TV.
"Oh joy!" Calvin said. "A feature length movie! What are we seeing today?"
"Get lost Calvin!" Susie growled. "I don't need you messing this up for me!"
"Oh don't mind me." Calvin said. "Ya won't even know I'm here."
Calvin winked at Hobbes.
Hobbes sighed.
At that very moment, the movie started.
Would you like to guess what movie it was?
Dreamer. Ya know, that horse movie.
When the title came up, Calvin said, "Ya know you're a dreamer when your horse ends up being Mr Ed"
Susie glared at Calvin.
"Shut up, Calvin." She spat.
Then, the names of several people rolled across the screen.
Calvin and Hobbes proceeded to make fun of these names, and when the movie started, began riffing it.
Sure.
Susie spent the whole time yelling at Calvin to shut up, and stop adding in his own dialogue, while trying to understand what was going on during the movie.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
Finally, half way through the movie, Susie finally stood up off the couch, and screamed, "GET... OUT... OF... THE... LIVING ROOM!!"
Calvin stood up, walked away, and then stood in the doorway in the kitchen.
He continued riffing it from the kitchen, while Hobbes cast worried looks back and forth between Calvin and Susie.
Suddenly, Susie spun around, and made a move for Calvin.
ZOOM!
Calvin and Hobbes vanished.
Susie glared, murderously at the doorway, then turned around in time to see the end credits of her movie roll up the screen.
Her eye twitched, involuntarily.
Meanwhile, Calvin and Hobbes were upstairs, again.
Hobbes had just finished bringing out all of Susie's toys, and he and Calvin were now lining them up in front of them, against the wall.
Calvin stood up.
"Okay, Hobbes, proceed to touch her stuff."
Hobbes rolled he eyes, and began patting each doll on the head.
Calvin looked over the railing to see what Susie was doing.
She was coming.
Calvin took hold of three or four of her dolls, stood at the top of the stairs, and began attempting to juggle them.
Notice I said, "attempted."
Susie's head came up, and she stared at Calvin.
Completely unable to juggle Calvin simply threw one doll into the air at a time, catching it, and then throwing another one into the air.
Susie's eyes narrowed. Her face began a deep shade of red, her fists clenched, she gritted her teeth, and began shaking.
Calvin watched this with a large grin on his face.
Then Susie began running up the stairs for Calvin.
Calvin's grin faded, slightly, when she saw the murder in Susie's eyes.
"RETREAT, HOBBES! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"
And with that, Calvin leaped right off of the railing, and began falling to the ground floor.
Screaming the whole way.
CRASH!!!
Hobbes was already there, the dummy.
Calvin stood up and glared at him.
Susie angrily gathered up all her toys, and stormed back up to her room with them.
Calvin and Hobbes watched.
"OK, Hobbes, we have successfully broken all of the rules but one."
"Which one was that?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin turned a grin onto Hobbes.
"Not to bug her." He chuckled.
Hobbes rubbed his chin.
"Sounds risky." He said.
"Indeed it does, but luckily we are shrill teekers!"
Hobbes stared at him for a moment.
"Don't you mean, thrill seekers?" He asked.
Calvin glared at him.
"That's what I said, you dunce! And stop correcting my spelling."
"Sure thing."
"Now, then, here's the plan..."
Many minutes went by.
Susie remained locked in her room.
Calvin and Hobbes climbed the stairs, and stopped at Susie's door.
Calvin cleared his throat.
He leaned over, and burst out singing.
"ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI!! ALL COVERED IN CHEESEEEE!!" He screamed. "I LOST MY POOR MEATBALL WHEN IT..."
Suddenly, Susie's door was flung open, and Calvin became aware of several stuffed animals being pelted at him.
All the same, he continued singing, shielding his face with his arms.
"TEN BILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! TEN BILLION BOTTLES OF BEER!"
ACK!
Suddenly, Susie ran out of stuffed animals, and began throwing plastic cooking utensils instead.
Calvin dodged three plastic forks, a cooking pan, the entire kitcken stand, and other stuff.
Boy those Bose earphone things really work don't they?
All the same Calvin kept singing.
"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA!!! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! THEY TRY TO SURVIVE THE WRATH OF PEARL! JUST AN EVIL GAL WHO WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD!! IT'S TIME TO PARTY FOR GARFIELD AND FRIENDS!!! HIY, HIY!"
At last Susie stopped throwing things at Calvin.
She decided to take a more subtle approach.
She stormed over to Calvin, pumping her arms as she went.
Calvin stopped singing.
He stared at her.
"Oo-kay, I'd say we're done here, Hobbes. Hobbes?"
Hobbes had vanished.
Huh.
Calvin looked around in all directions, looking for somewhere to go.
Nowhere.
He looked back at the lunatic girl approaching him.
"HELP!!!" He screamed.
A little later, Mr Derkins finally decided to take off those stupid earphones, and find out what the heck was going on.
Took him long enough.
He walked into the kitchen.
He took out a can of soup, and took the can opener.
He looked up.
Calvin was laying face down on the bottom of the stairs.
His hair was ruffled up, and there were bruises all over him.
Mr Derkins stared at him for a long time.
Then Susie came down the stairs, glaring out at the world.
Mr Derkins sighed.
"OK, what did he do now?" He asked.
Susie stormed past the grumbling Calvin, and told Dad her sad story.
Whoops.
Mom and Dad drove up into the Derkins' driveway.
They had had a very peaceful evening.
Which, apparently was about to come to a screeching halt.
"Well, the Derkins' house is still standing." Mom said. "That's a good sign."
Mom and Dad walked up to the door, and knocked.
Mr Derkins answered the door.
"Hello, Mr Derkins." Dad said, nervously. "And, uh, how was Calvin?"
Mr Derkins gave him a blank, unblinking stare.
"I see." Dad said, rolling his eyes around. "And, uh, what exactly do we owe you for all this trouble?"
Mr Derkins held out a hand.
"Uh huh." Dad said. "Alright."
Dad took out his wallet and gave Mr Derkins all he had.
Then they collected Calvin.
Calvin took Hobbes, and brushed himself off.
"Well, Hobbes, I'd say we've officially gotten rid of a slimy girl don't you!" He said, as he got his coat on.
"No." Hobbes said.
Calvin glared at him.
"What do you mean 'No'? We bugged her, touched her stuff, went in her room, riffed her movie..."
"Yeah, but you're the only one with bruises." Hobbes said.
"Correct, Hobbes, and I wear them proudly. Are you saying you don't want any metals of bravery for our successful mission?"
"Sure, I'll take some."
"Then shut up." Calvin said.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
And with that, Calvin and Hobbes exited the Derkins' house.
And got into the car.
Dad gave Calvin a menacing glare.
"Calvin, you will not see the light of day for months!" He growled.
Calvin sighed.
Another regular ending to a G.R.O.S.S. meeting.
The End
Voicework:
Pamela Segal Aldon: Calvin
Tom Hanks: Hobbes / Mr Derkins
Bill Murray: Dad
Jennifer Love Hewitt: Mom
Dakota Fanning: Susie
Coming up next: Super Calvin