a/n-- thanks mediate for beefing up the story so much and betaing it so well for me. Thanks everyone who continues to review each chapter.

Chapter 19

I watched Sarah as she slept; she was white as a sheet and had circles under her eyes. She hadn't done as well as I thought she would have with the home birth. I'd felt like shit when I had to threaten her with leaving to get her to push. God, it had pained me to hear her scream and cry giving birth to my baby. But it was all worth it, I decided as I looked down at the tiny baby I was holding. She was beautiful. I was surprised at how much I already loved her. Despite being wet and wrinkly, my heart had swollen inside of my chest the moment I'd seen her in Mrs. Wahall's hands. I smiled at the memory and the shock I'd felt when Mrs. Wahall had announced that I had a daughter. It only took a few seconds for me to realize that it didn't matter whether the baby was a boy or a girl or a squid. It was my baby and I was going to love it no matter what.

I rubbed Bridget's tiny back and got up slowly from the bed so I could walk into the living room where the parents were waiting. Ellie was staying with Sam and Emily tonight until we could get everything calmed down and cleaned up here. They looked up when they heard me coming in. I made my way over to the couch and sat down on the as carefully as I could. "Is Sarah okay?" Mrs. Carter asked worriedly. I nodded, not wanting to say much about Sarah right now. She was probably just tired and weak but I felt like something wasn't right with her. I kissed the baby's little forehead knowing the others were dying to hold her again.

"Here," I said passing her to Sarah's dad. "I'm going to get Sarah some stuff ready to get a shower when she wakes up. I'll need someone to help me." Her mom nodded at me, showing me that she would and I left back to the bedroom. I shut the door behind me and sat on the bed with my head in my hands for a few minutes, desperately hoping that Sarah was better when she woke up. Bridget had to have her. Hell, I had to have her right now. I didn't know what to do with a baby. I'd only practiced on Claire and Quil was hovering the entire time.

Sarah stirred in her sleep and got up to get her things around. I grabbed a new shirt, some shorts and a couple of towels and laid them on the counter in the guest bathroom. When I got back to the bedroom Sarah was still sleeping soundly so I shut the door softly behind me and went to the living room where my mom was cradling Bridget. She glanced at the clock. "Paul, we're going to have to wake Sarah up soon. I know she barely fell asleep but this little one is going to eat every couple of hours." I nodded at her but I didn't want to wake Sarah up. She deserved to sleep for a while. She'd had a bad delivery and I'd made it worse by disappearing for six hours of it.

"Could... I mean… can't we bottle feed her?" I asked slowly, knowing already what the mothers would say but at the rate Sarah was going, I'd have to remind her to feed her own baby. As expected, Mrs. Carter shook her head.

"No. Breastfeeding is better. Sarah's just going to have to get up every few hours. It won't hurt her."

"Paul, Where were you?" My dad asked suddenly. I glanced at him as I grabbed a diaper.

"I was doing some stuff. I lost my phone."

He eyed me warily "What type of stuff? You were gone an awfully long time on a day you said you didn't have anything planned.

I glared at him. "I told you Sam called me away on a work emergency. It's really none of your business, anyway." I shuffled over to my mom and held out my arms for the baby. "Here, give her to me. I'm taking her to Sarah." The warm body was handed to me gently and I shifted her around so I could kiss her again.

"I'll go with you. I'm going to see if she wants something to eat herself." Her mom said, getting up from her chair to follow me. I couldn't think of a nice way to tell her to back off or I would have. I went to the guest room and lowered myself down beside Sarah on the bed. I nudged her lightly.

"Sarah? Honey?" I leaned back against the headboard, feeling a little tired myself. "It's time to get up and feed Bridget. She's hungry." Sarah stirred a little bit and groaned as she woke up.

"No, I'm tired." She made no move to sit up and I sighed, wishing that her mom wasn't in the room with us.

"Honey, you have to get up," I said softly.

Her mom cleared her throat. "Sarah, after you feed her I'll help you get a shower and fix you something to eat, okay?" She leaned down and kissed Sarah's forehead. "I'm going to go get you something to drink." Sarah nodded without opening her eyes and I waited until her mom shut the door to say what I wanted.

"Sarah, I know you feel like shit right now but you have to sit up long enough to feed the baby. I'll take her right back when she's done, I swear." I knew I shouldn't have to beg her to do this. Sarah sat up slowly, wincing as she did.

"Paul… I'm sore, I'm tired and I don't feel like messing with it." My eyes widened. I'd never heard her refer to the baby as an "it", not even while she was pregnant. I didn't know what to say so I passed her Bridget before she could refuse, watching her carefully to make sure she didn't drop her. Sarah sniffled and I saw a tear slide down her face. She was deliberately looking away from the baby as I helped her get adjusted. "It still hurts," Sarah whined when the baby started to nurse. After a few quiet minutes she started to sob. "Paul, I don't want her."

"You don't mean that."

"I'm not ready."

I reached up and brushed the hair away from her face. "You're just tired. You need to rest," I assured her, hoping that was the only problem. Sarah's mother came back just then with a glass of Sprite in her hand. If she'd heard what we'd been saying, she didn't let us know it.

I walked down the hall feeling agitated with Sarah. She didn't want to do anything. When I got back to the living room I looked to my mom and passed her the baby. "What's wrong?" She whispered. She'd obviously heard me slam the door. I shook my head.

"Nothing. Just take Bri and I'm going to help Sarah get up. She can't just lay there." I went back to the room and looked down at Sarah. Her mother was helping her sit up and I brushed her aside. "I've got her. I'll just need you to help her actually shower." As close as we were right now in our relationship, I didn't think Sarah wanted me to give her a bath.

I stood back, watching as she started to shakily get up before reaching for my hand. "Help me walk." I gripped her and we went slowly to the bathroom, her wincing with every step before we made it. I helped her step into the bathtub before leaving.

"You can put her in her bassinet," I told my mom as I walked into the kitchen. "I'm fixing Sarah something, and then sleeping while Bridget does." She nodded. I knew it sounded strange to them that I was the one getting up and down. I watched as Bri was laid in her bassinet and made sure that she was tucked in carefully.

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It had been two days since Sarah'd had Bridget and she still didn't want anything to do with her. I was trying not to let anyone but me see how she was with the baby. I didn't want them to know Sarah didn't like her. I loved her to pieces; it was hard for me to understand why Sarah didn't. My aunts and grandma were pressing to come over, along with the pack. Sarah didn't want visitors but I knew it was rude not to let them come so I told them to come after lunch.

I looked across the living room at my mom; she was holding Bridget and smiling at her. I'd kill for Sarah to even look at her. I was tired from doing everything. My mom had shown me the basics-- bathing, diapering, wrapping her up and burping her all the while Sarah laid in a little ball. Sarah didn't want to do anything. I had to force her to eat and then force her to feed the baby. I didn't want my mom and Sarah's always taking care of her, she wasn't theirs. She was mine and Sarah's. I didn't know what I was going to do when I had to work this weekend. My mom and hers had to work too. No one would be here to help Sarah and I couldn't help but worry if Bridget would get taken care of properly. Sarah hadn't changed her diaper once. I did a good job of hiding that fact from everyone else, though. I changed her in the room with us and no one ever knew the difference.

I yawned and rested my head in my hand, propped up with my elbow. "What time are friends coming?" My mom asked as she pushed Bridget's tiny arms through a little pink dress. I shrugged.

"Noon, I think. Don't worry, they already know to wash their hands and don't drop her." I'd threatened them with the consequences if anything happened to my baby. They were all getting a kick out of the whole situation. Me taking care of the baby. The only thing that really worried me about letting the pack in was the members that hadn't imprinted. The last thing I wanted was one of my brothers to imprint on my newborn daughter. I'd have to kill him whoever he was. Sam had told me not to worry about it, after all, the ones left to imprint were kids too. Except Embry. I sighed out loud; Sam wasn't as worried about it as he should have been. Bridget was his and Emily's god daughter. We'd decided months before the baby was born that they were our obvious choice. "I guess I should go warn Sarah." I got up and stretched out.

"Sarah?" I asked as I opened up the door to my room. She'd moved from the guest room back into my room. She still had a few days because Mrs. Wahall said it was okay for her to try and move around and go back home. The blood loss had been worse than I'd realized.

"What?" She asked sleepily. I sat down beside her and rubbed her back softly. "The pack's coming over in a bit to see the baby. I thought you might want to get dressed or something. Leah and Kim are coming too."

She nodded and sat up slowly. "Okay. I'll get up in a bit. I'm still tired." She rubbed her eyes. Her color was coming back little by little in her cheeks but she was still pale. I leaned over and gave her a quick peck.

"I've gotta get a shower and go get a few things." I reached down and grabbed some clothes out of a basket. "I'll be back." Sarah laid back down and snuggled into the blankets, not even asking about Bridget. I shook my head and went into the living room.

"Let me have her," I told my mom, getting the baby from her. I carried her back into my room and put her in her bassinet in the corner, near the bed. Sarah stirred, frowning at me as she saw the baby.

"Don't leave her with me," she said in the dead tone she used when she talked about Bridget. I ignored her as I tucked the baby in and left again. This was going to be hard. I left the door open halfway and I went and sat down on the couch to wait it out. My mom looked at me curiously

"Where did you put her?" I shrugged and stared at the TV. "With her mother." My mom frowned and looked down the hall. She wasn't going to like this anymore than I was. When I heard Bridget starting to fuss I kept my mouth in a clench and balled up my fists. She always started out whimpering and the sound was pitiful. My mom started to get up but I shook my head at her.

"No. Leave her in there," I snapped at her. I heard the baby let out a cry. My mom's face crumpled up.

"Paul, this isn't right." I stayed where I was sitting. "Sarah hasn't been right either." Bridget was crying now and I felt the anguish start to pound in my temples as I listened.

"Paul?" I heard Sarah called out timidly. I held a finger to my lips for my mom to see. She bit her bottom lip as she paced. "Paul, come get her."

The baby cried and whimpered some more. I was starting to reach my breaking point now. I heard the crying start to quiet and I looked at my mom, wondering if it was possible Sarah had finally gotten up. The crying was gone now completely and I got up from the couch, trying to keep my calm mask as I went down the hall. My mom was shaking her head at me, looking worried. I peeked inside the room, keeping back so Sarah wouldn't see me. She was holding Bridget, looking like she was crying silently to herself.

I watched her for a few seconds as she touched the baby's face, looking at her for the first time since she'd had her. She touched her tiny feet next and then moved to her hands. I pushed the door open and slid into the room, shutting it behind me. Sarah looked up at me when I sat down on the edge of the bed. Tears were running down her cheeks as she held the baby to her chest. "I don't know what to do with her," she whimpered. "She started crying and I had to get her and I didn't even know how to pick her up. I don't know what she wants. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to take care of her." She paused to wipe her eyes. "It hurt so bad having her and I hated it for it and now she hates me."

I touched Bridget's tiny hand with my index finger. "It doesn't matter anymore if you're ready. She's here, Sarah. I wasn't ready either and I've been taking care of her. She doesn't hate you either. She can tell when you're upset and it upsets her."

Bridget's little fists flailed into the air and she started crying again. Sarah started to push her toward me but I shook my head and crossed my arms. "No. You hold her. She's your baby, Sarah. Just hold her and talk to her and she'll calm down." I got up. "I'll go get you some wipes and a diaper and you can change her too." Sarah's eyes glistened again.

"No! Don't leave me with her."

I rolled my eyes. "Nothings going to happen." I went back into the living room where I'd been camping out with the baby. My mom jumped up when she saw me.

"Is she okay? Is Bridget okay?" I nodded and waved her off as I grabbed the pack of diapers and wipes. I never would have thought I'd be a pro at diapers.

"They're fine. They're bonding right now," I told her with a smug look. I went back into my room. Relief flooded Sarah's eyes when she saw me. I tossed a tiny diaper on the bed. Poor Bri had to wear the smallest size they sold. Her tiny clothes were even too big for her, but we couldn't find any smaller. "Here." Sarah frowned as she laid the baby down in front of her. "Take that one off, wipe her and put this one on." She slowly started to unsnap the pink onesie my mom had insisted on putting on under the dress and changed the diaper. "See? You can take care of her." I told Sarah with a smile. She nodded slowly, still not looking sure of it herself.

Sarah looked... not like Sarah right now. She still was obviously tired. The circles were getting better, but she had her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail and her face looked sallow. Sarah usually fretted over appearances. "Will you at least put her in her bassinet for me?" Sarah asked meekly. I nodded and took Bridget, kissing her face as she slept. She'd fallen asleep after Sarah had put a fresh diaper on her. I laid her down, making sure her blankets were just right in case she moved her face.

"Will you help me up?" Sarah reached out for me. She could walk a lot better now but she said her pelvic bone hurt if she stood for too long. "I want to take a shower and try to look human before everyone gets here." I nodded and helped her up, really looking at her for the first time. I didn't know if she was still swollen or if she would stay like this but Sarah's body was still kind of puffier than it used to be.

I followed her into the bathroom and sat down as she started the water. "I could stand outside..." I suggested. She shook her head and she grabbed a towel and a washcloth.

"What if I get weak and fall down?" That was true. I'd seen every inch of her a million times before, but somehow this seemed more personal. She let her hair down; it was at the top of her shoulders now. I looked away as she got undressed and lowered herself into the tub of water. "Gee, you're not even sneaking a peek," she teased.

I shrugged and looked at the door, not letting my eyes drift over. I was half scared to look. I didn't want to see the after effects of the pregnancy. I wanted to have Sarah's body in my mind the way it'd been before she'd had a baby, when it was smooth and perfect. "Paul?" She said softly.

"Yeah?" She didn't say anything. I could hear her splash the water. "You need something?" I asked her, still looking at the white door. She didn't say anything again. I finally averted my gaze to the bathtub.

"You won't look at me," she said tearfully. "You haven't looked since I had her." That was true; the last glimpse I'd got of her body was when I helped slide her limp body into a new shirt. "Do I look that bad?" She whispered.

I sighed and finally looked down at her. Sarah was…. chubby. She had a few purplish red lines on her abdomen. Her breasts were… wow…. I looked again, amazed. She didn't look awful to me. She'd needed the extra weight honestly. She'd always been on the skinny side. I looked down at her thighs; they were a little bit chubbier than I remembered too. I hadn't paid any attention after a while. "No. You look fine." It wasn't a lie either. She looked fine to me. I would still do her… when I could.

Sarah frowned at me, her eyes tearing up. "Just 'fine'?" She made a move to get out of the tub and I reached down to help her up. "I must be hideous."

I rolled my eyes at her. "You look like you always do. Only now you're not carrying another person with you. It's not like I can touch you anywhere really. So why would I stare and get myself worked up for nothing?" That was true too. I couldn't get anything right now out of staring at her. I had a long wait ahead of myself.

Sarah wrapped another towel around her hair, moving very slowly. "Are you still like... attracted to me?" She wondered, her cheeks flushing.

I gave her a look as I reached over and grabbed her brush off the counter. "Yes," I answered shortly. I did not want to start this conversation. "Come on, Bri might be waking up soon to eat." She nodded and I herded her out of the bathroom, holding her towel up. I fell back onto my bed, crossing my arms behind my head. "I'm tired," I announced. Sarah rolled her eyes; she was becoming more and more herself by the minute. I watched her as she moved slowly around the room, looking for something to put on. She must have felt my eyes on her because she turned around.

"What?" I shook my head, watching again as she let the towel drop and got dressed. Hmm. No, she didn't look so bad. Just chubby. I still wanted her, I knew that. The connection I felt to her seemed stronger now that we shared a child.

We had just settled into the living room when the pack knocked on the door. I got up and opened it, grinning at them as they came in. Good thing my house wasn't that small. I didn't realize there were ten of us now. Sarah sat up a bit on the couch holding Bridget asleep in her arms. "Okay, no one looks at her in the eyes unless they're imprinted, got it?" I ordered them. Sam rolled his eyes at me.

"Get out of my way, Kimkirk. These guys aren't going to hurt her anymore than you are." I bristled as they went past, peeking at Bridget. Sarah sat her up, pulling the blankets back. Sam elbowed me. "Things going good?" He asked, I nodded, talking to him about Bridget's sleeping, eating, and crying.

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I smiled at the pack as they talked in whispers over Bridget. They were heading back out, happy they'd got to see the new generation of the blood line. Sam and Paul were standing in the kitchen talking animatedly. I looked up as Embry neared me, wanting his turn no doubt. "Hey, honey." He winked and sat down on the couch beside me. He cradled his arms, showing me he wanted to hold the baby. I reluctantly passed Bridget to him.

"Hey yourself," I told him with a smile.

He looked down at Bridget, studying her. "She's almost as beautiful as you are," he noted quietly. I bit my bottom lip, looking back into his eyes as they met mine. Just as quick, he broke the stare. "Let's hope she has your intelligence and personality too." I laughed at him. Paul looked at me for a moment. His eyes pierced me when he saw me and Embry sitting side by side.

"She's got Paul's hair though. And his eyes and skin."

Embry rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure. Let Paul take all the credit for this adorable little creature." He grinned at me again. Embry had always been very friendly with me, but something was different with this. It was like he flirting with me right here under Paul's eyes or something. I shook my head, moving the thoughts away. Embry was his brother for crying out loud. He wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

Embry passed Bridget back to me when Sam started to leave. "I'll see you two later." He flashed me another smile before he left. I looked after him, feeling uneasy. Paul swooped down beside me.

"He was kind of close," he commented. I nodded, not saying anything as he took Bridget. "You know, you can go out on a patrol if you need to. I should get used to watching her alone." Paul shook his head.

"No, I don't have any patrols to do right now. Sam told me to stay home for a couple of weeks until you get adjusted with this. Then I'll do extra patrols to fill in for him when Emily has her baby." He looked at me, then away and cleared his throat. "I, uh... I want to talk to you about something," he began. "I know we said I'd stay with you until the baby was born but um… I don't think it's going to be as easy to leave as I thought it would be." I nodded, listening. "I thought that maybe... if you still wanted me, we could try it out together officially. I don't want to leave you." I looked up at him and smiled. A new hope was blooming inside of me.

"I don't want you to leave me. I don't want to be without you." I grabbed his hand underneath Bridget's sleeping body. "I was hoping you wouldn't leave me. This is all too much for me right now. And I want Bridget to know that we were together, and we tried to make things work."

Paul nodded and rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand. "I think... I think if I imprint I'm going to try and resist it." I frowned at the idea of him imprinting.

"What if you can't, though?"

He sighed. "Hold on, I'm going to put her in her bassinet." He got up with Bridget and went to his room. He came back a few minutes later and sat back down beside me. I leaned into him and he folded his arms around me. "If I can't fight it I don't know what I'll do. I can't be with both of you. I won't be able to. I don't want to lose you to someone else either, though. I can't imagine you with another guy. It pisses me off just thinking about it right now."

I knew already Paul was jealous of anyone else. I wasn't sure how it was going to work if he found someone else. It was difficult. I didn't want Paul with anyone else. I didn't want someone else touching him, or holding my baby with him, but if he left me I couldn't very well stay alone for the rest of my life. "I won't leave you. I won't leave you until you leave me completely," I promised him. "It's always been you, you know that." He kissed the side of my face; his lips were hot against my skin

"I know. I just hope you always feel that way."

I took a deep breath. This was the first time we'd really touched each other in three days. Bridget was almost a week old now. She was so tiny still. I was starting to love her now. She wasn't the thing I'd been disliking the past three days. She was my daughter now.

"I've been horrible, Paul. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't made me take care of Bridget. I honestly didn't want her anymore. I wanted to ask you to give her up. I just... couldn't handle her." It sounded even worse to say my thoughts aloud now. I was ashamed for ever having those thoughts to begin with.

Paul shifted beside me, careful not to put much pressure on me as he did. "It's okay now. I knew you'd come around. You can't resist that adorable face." He chuckled and then turned serious. "She's the single most precious thing to me in this world. I wouldn't give her up for anything. I can't believe I didn't want her when you told me you were pregnant. I was such an ass." I noticed that his hands were resting my hips now instead of my stomach. "I wasn't really going to leave you either, when you were in labor. I knew you'd do what I said if you thought I was going to."

I smiled. "It worked."

He reached up to brush a strand of hair behind my ear. "Are you tired still?"

I nodded. "I'm better, though. Not as weak now. I'm starting not to be so sore either. I guess I just needed to get up and move around."

"You'd been in bed for three days. It was time you got up." It was silent for a moment. "Your mom wants you to move back home with the baby when you can. I guess because I have to go back to school, and no one will be here with you." His hot breath was tickling me. I wiggled around and rolled over, frowning at the discomfort until I faced him.

"I guess we will. She has her nursery there. It's too crowded for us in your room." I started to bury my face in his shirt when he raised my chin back up and kissed me.

"We still have a while before we need to be alone anyway," he said with a smirk. "I love you," he whispered before he pressed his mouth onto mine again. We pulled apart every few seconds only to catch a breath before clinging to each other again.

"You two really ought to look into birth some control soon." We jerked our heads toward the sound and saw Mr. Kimkirk shaking his head at us as from the doorway. We rolled our eyes and waited for him to leave to continue. I couldn't help but agree with him, though. I didn't want anymore kids ever. Kids weren't for us.

Bridget was different.