Summary: In a prank to insult his friends, Socrates creates a fake personality test and sells it to Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman.
and now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by Garfieldodie and Swing123
Personality Test
It was mid-November in the unnamed town.
Calvin was just returning from school. The bus pulled up to his house and let him off.
Calvin walked up the walk towards his door.
That was when the usual routine happened. He opened the door.
"I'M HOME!!" he shouted.
KA-POW!!
Calvin and Hobbes went sailing across the yard and landed in a tree.
"Oof!" Calvin moaned. "What's the deal today?"
"Simple jungle cat instincts cannot be hindered by domesticated living," Hobbes responded simply.
"Jungle cat, my foot. You're the weirdest tiger ever. You eat tuna straight from the can!"
"Well, the last time we practiced chasing tuna, you complained."
"Only because Mom complained," Calvin said, climbing down.
Calvin got his stuff out of the tree as Hobbes landed on all fours gently.
"Come on," said Hobbes. "They're running a documentary on octopuses today."
Calvin followed Hobbes to the house.
But the minute Calvin was walking in the door, Dad jumped in front of him.
"Calvin, I have some chores for you," he said.
Calvin stared at him.
"What did you do, set up sensors in the doorway?"
"Calvin, you haven't really been building character lately," Dad said.
"Of course I have! I got involved in a love affair, made a movie, got stuck in a hurricane, and had my superpowers erased through a time distortion vortex," Calvin said indignantly.
"Sure you did," said Dad, patting his head condescendingly. "But I have some real chores for you to do."
"Like what?" Calvin asked.
"Well, I need you to clear the yard of sticks so I can mow the yard, then I need you to take the garbage to the curb, then I need you to deliver some mail, and then I need you to clean up the attic," he said.
Calvin glared hard at him.
"Yeah, nice list, Dad," he said. "How about making me find the Holy Grail while you're at it?"
"Just get started," said Dad, handing Calvin a bag of garbage.
And with that, he left.
Calvin glared even harder.
But no matter how hard he glared, Dad was unaffected.
So Calvin did the chores.
First, he tossed the trash into the trashcan.
Second, he took a bunch of mail that piled higher than he was to the post office.
Third, he went up into the attic, wearing a gas mask, and was soon sweeping throughout the entire room.
Finally, Calvin went outside to pick up sticks and pine cones.
This was a mistake.
By now, Calvin was incredibly fed up, and now he was out in the open to whine about it.
"HEY, EVERYBODY!" he shouted. "LOOK AT ME! MY NAME IS CALVIN, AND I LIVE WITH A TERRIBLE EVIL THIN MAN WITH BIG GLASSES AND LITTLE HAIR! HE'S RUNNING ME RAGGED! I'VE BEEN WORKING FOR ALL OF THREE HOURS, AND I'M ONLY SIX! I'M NOT GETTING PAID FOR THIS! THERE ARE CHILD LABOR LAWS! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! ALL CHILD KIDNAPPERS IN THE GENERAL AREA PLEASE KIDNAP ME NOW!!"
Andy and Sherman walked past.
"RUN, YOU TWO! RUN! LEST YOU BE SUCKED INTO THE CHORE VORTEX!"
Andy and Sherman rolled their eyes and walked away.
Next, Susie walked by.
"YOU! I'LL PAY YOU TWENTY BUCKS IF YOU'LL SAY YOU'RE ME!"
"Get lost, you little freak!" Susie retorted, and she continued walking.
Now Socrates walked by.
"CRATESO! KILL ME! KILL ME! NOW! I'M RIGHT HERE! WE ALL KNOW YOU WANNA!"
Socrates stopped and turned towards Calvin, but then he held it back and started away again.
Soon, Calvin had completed the chores.
Dad was standing there watching him.
"Ah, I see you've built your character allotment for the day. We'll do this again tomorrow," he said.
"WHAT'S THIS WE STUFF? I JUST DID STUFF YOU COULD'VE JUST AS EASILY DONE YOURSELF, MR LAZY!" Calvin hollered, and he walked into the house.
Calvin sat down in the kitchen for some dinner.
Mom gave it to him. It was a green glop.
"OH LOOK!" Calvin snorted. "AN ACTUAL PILE OF SLIME! I'M SO HAPPY! I'M SHOCKED YOU DIDN'T HAVE ME COOK IT! AFTER ALL, MANUAL LABOR IS ALL I'M GOOD FOR ANYMORE!"
Mom sighed and tried to ignore him as she ate.
Next, Calvin went upstairs for his bath. He sat in the bubbly water.
"NOBODY APPRECIATES ME! I HAVE MORE CHARACTER THAN ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE COMBINED! YOU'RE THE ONES WHO NEED THE CHARACTER! ALL OF YOU!!!"
Then Calvin got into bed with Hobbes.
"OH, SO I GET TO SLEEP NOW, DO I?! HOW CONSIDERATE OF YOU, MY MASTERS!! I'M SO GRATEFUL! TOO BAD YOU'RE NOT GRATEFUL! HOBBES, PUT ME DOWN! STOP IT! DON'T PUT ME OUTSIDE! I CAN'T SLEEP ON THE ROOF!! STOP IT! I'M ORDERING YOU! OPEN THIS WINDOW! LET ME BACK IN THERE! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!"
Calvin climbed up on the roof and started screaming to the neighborhood.
"DOES ANYONE WANT TO RENT A TIGER?! HE'S ONLY WORTH THIRTY CENTS!"
Calvin finally stopped yelling long enough to sleep, and then he woke up again, climbed back into his room, and got under the sheets just in time for Mom to say:
"Wake up, Calvin."
"OH, I'LL WAKE UP, MOTHER, BUT YOU CAN BET THAT I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE TYRANNY BEING UNLEASHED UPON MY BEING!"
"Get dressed."
"I'LL GET MY CLOTHES ON, ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE SOMEBODY SUFFERS!"
"A bit late for that," Hobbes muttered from under the sheets.
Calvin got dressed, ate breakfast and stood at the bus stop with Susie.
"AND THERE'S ANOTHER THING!" Calvin shouted. "NOBODY EVER TELLS ME THEY'RE GRATEFUL! NOBODY APPRECIATES MY EXISTANCE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY TIMES DAD HAS SAID HE'D WANTED A DOG?! I'M INSULTED!"
"I'm going deaf," Susie muttered, covering her ears.
The bus finally arrived and they got on.
Calvin yelled at the bus driver.
"DRIVE TO THE SCHOOL, AND DON'T TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE!" he shouted.
"Whatever," the driver muttered.
The bus set off.
When they got to school, Calvin was the first off.
"DON'T PUSH! I'M WALKING! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I'M ANGRY! I WANT TO BREAK SOMETHING! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A MAGAZINE! I WANT TO RIP IT TO PIECES!"
He burst into the classroom.
"MISS WORMWOOD, I'M SAYING RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW THAT I HAVE NO HOMEWORK COMPLETED! DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?! BECAUSE MY DAD IS A SLAVEDRIVER! I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO GET STARTED!"
Miss Wormwood sighed and pointed out the door.
"YES, I KNOW! DETENTION! I AM AWARE THAT YOU THINK I'M A MISCHEVIOUS DEVIANT, AND YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT! I'M GOING! I DON'T NEED DIRECTION!"
Calvin started walking down the hallway and to the principal's office.
Mr Spittle stared down at him.
"HELLO, SPITTLE! I'M BEING SENT HERE UNFAIRLY! YES, I KNOW WHERE THE DETENTION ROOM IS! DON'T GET UP! I'LL GO MYSELF! IT'S MY JOB TO NEVER GET A BREAK! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M BITTER!"
Mr Spittle watched Calvin enter the back room, and he rolled his eyes.
"I hate Mondays," he said to his assistant.
"Today's Thursday, Mr Spittle," she said.
"Everyday is Monday to me."
Calvin spent the entire day in detention, and he was sent home with extra homework.
"THIS IS ALL MY DAD'S FAULT!" he shouted as he walked down the sidewalk. "THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! ALL THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF NOT FOR MY OVERBEARING FATHER! EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD IS HIS FAULT!"
Dad rolled his eyes as Calvin yelled this at him.
"Calvin, go to your room. You're grounded."
"OH SURE! GROUND ME! GUESS WHAT, BUSTER! NOW YOU HAVE TO DO THOSE CHORES! BURN!"
Calvin stomped upstairs, leaving Dad shaking his head.
Calvin entered the bedroom.
"HOBBES! WHERE ARE YOU?! I NEED TO COMPLAIN!"
Calvin found a piece of paper on the bed.
"Dear Calvin. Got sick of you and your rambling. Went to Socrates' house. See you after you've gone to sleep. Hobbes."
"OH SURE, YOU CHEATER! ESCAPE MY WRATH! WISE MOVE! I'LL COMPLAIN TO SOMEONE ELSE!!"
Calvin pulled out the MTM and typed in a bunch of numbers. Then he waited patiently for someone to answer.
In Yellowstone National Park, Jack was reading a magazine by the springs. He was on break.
People stared at him as they passed.
Jack took no notice.
The phone rang.
Jack picked it up and answered.
"Sha-lome," he said.
"JACK, I WANT TO COMPLAIN!" Calvin shouted.
"About what?"
"ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL!!"
"Ah, how nice," said Jack. "I'm afraid I'm off-duty right now and in a no-nonsense mood, but I'm sure Frank is open for a bit of a shout. I'll patch you through."
"THANK YOU!"
Jack pressed a few buttons and opened another line.
"Hello, Frank?" he said.
"DR BRAINSTORM!" a reply shouted.
"Calvin's calling. He needs to complain."
"Wait, no, Jack! Don't! That kid can really yell!"
Jack ignored him and pressed another button, and then hung up.
In his lab, Dr Brainstorm groaned as Calvin's voice came through.
"…Yes…?" he asked wearily.
"SO MY DAD GAVE ME A BUNCH OF WORK TO DO YESTERDAY, AND I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD HIM ELIMINATED! I WORKED SO HARD I STARTED TO SMELL! I GOT A PAPERCUT FROM AN ENVELOPE YESTERDAY! I GOT A SPLINTER THE SIZE OF NEW JERSEY! THE THING COULD MAKE ME BLEED TO DEATH! I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS HOLY THAT I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE! I WILL! I'M THE GOD! I'M THE GOD! AAAAAAHHH—"
Brainstorm finally had the sense to turn the phone off.
Calvin was surprised when the MTM suddenly clicked.
There was a pause as he stared intently at it.
Finally, the MTM sighed electronically.
A holographic message shot out.
GO AHEAD.
"Thanks. I'M GONNA BREAK FREE FROM THIS PLACE! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL! THEY CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN!" Calvin shouted.
The ranting and the yelling went on for a few days, and Calvin yelled at everyone.
Calvin's parents soon got tired of grounding him and just let him yell.
Miss Wormwood got tired of giving him detention, so she just let him yell in class.
Everyone got tired of trying to calm him, and they all gave up.
Socrates, however, got sick of the yelling.
"ONE OF THESE DAYS! POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER! I'M GONNA—"
A furry paw suddenly placed itself upon his mouth, silencing it.
"SHUT UP!!!" Socrates hollered.
Calvin stared at him.
"Why are you yelling anyway?" Socrates sighed.
"Because Dad doesn't believe I have enough character! It's so untrue! I've got character as far as the eye can see!" Calvin snapped.
"Do you?" asked Socrates.
A plan was forming in his mind.
"Well, do you have any concrete proof?"
There was a bit of a pause.
"Well…I don't think so. Where would I get some?"
"From me!" Socrates replied. "I have just thing back home. I'll be right back."
Socrates spun on his heel and ran home.
Calvin waited patiently.
In his giant mansion, Socrates jetted back to his room, typed a few things on the computer, and printed it out.
"I have 1200 Words per Minute (WPM)," he said to the audience.
He grabbed the piece of paper and ran back.
Socrates shot back up to Calvin.
SHOOM!
"Here!" he said.
Calvin stared at the piece of paper and looked at it.
"What is it?" he asked.
He read the title.
"Personality Test?" he asked.
"Yep. I get them from a website," Socrates lied. "It's supposed to help determine what kind of person you are."
Calvin nodded and looked the questions over.
"Socrates, these are the most ridiculous questions I've ever seen!" he complained.
"How so?"
"Well, the third question is: 'Which do you prefer: stuffing or potatoes?'"
"An obvious question, I thought."
"Question six is: What would you do if a rhino attacked?"
"Point being?"
"Question twelve is: How many seasons did Red Dwarf run for?"
"A series that was ended cruelly."
Calvin sighed.
"You're sure about this?" he asked.
Socrates nodded.
"Just give it a shot and get back to me," he said slyly.
Calvin went home.
Socrates grinned evilly.
Calvin walked over to his desk, and slammed the piece of paper onto it.
He sharpened his pencil, and sat down.
He stared at question one.
"If the world's supply of hot dogs ran low, what would you do?" He read.
He stared at it for a second, then began writing.
Break into all the grocery stores at midnight, and steal all their hot dogs before the rush.
He then moved on to question two.
"If giant mutant canaries were emerging from the sewers, how many would have three eyes?" He read.
He paused.
Four.
He then moved on to number three.
"Stuffing or potatoes... This just goes on...?" He asked, scanning the future questions.
Finally, after a long time of writing, Calvin had finished the test.
He picked the piece of paper off the desk, went over it, shrugged, and took his MTM.
He started hitting buttons, and waited.
Socrates was sitting in his room in the mansion, reading a comic book, and chuckling to himself about his genius mind.
Uh huh.
Suddenly, the phone burst out in a shrill ring.
Socrates' head came up.
He picked the received up, and held it to his ear.
"Socrates' Shop of Mystical Wonders, Socrates speaking. Ah, hello, Calvin. Completed the test have you? Very well, I'll run over, and calculate your results."
Socrates paused.
"What do you mean you couldn't answer question seventeen? That was the simplest one of them all! Yes, I happen to remember that question seventeen was..."
He paused, again.
"One sec,"
Socrates put the phone down, and checked out his computer.
17. What is the meaning of the universe and life on Earth?
Socrates stared at it, then picked the phone back up.
"Calvin, just put write "3" on that one, I'll be right over."
And with that, Socrates hung up, and flew downstairs to the bottom floor.
Calvin paused, and hung the phone up.
He walked over to the door and walked outside.
He stared off to the south, and waited.
Sure enough, he saw a orange and black blur flying down the street, towards him.
Calvin sat down on his sidewalk, and waited.
Suddenly, and in a cloud of dust, Socrates just appeared in front of Calvin, grinning.
Calvin glared at him. He wasn't even out of breath.
"I'm not even going to bother to ask you how you managed to get here so quickly." He said.
"Good, because I won't give you an answer." Socrates said.
"Here." Calvin said, handing the paper to the tiger. "I expect a top notch score."
"I'll bet you do." Socrates said, taking the paper. "I can say only that I will be completely... uhhh... fair."
There was a pause.
"OK, then, I'm off." Socrates said. "I'll see you in whatever amount in time it takes me to scan this thing!!"
And with that, Socrates vanished into a cloud of dust, and rocketed off back to his mansion.
Calvin rolled his eyes.
Socrates slapped the paper onto his desk, and began reading over it.
After each question, his grin grew wider.
He took his sweet time in making a conclusion.
He spent a lot of time balancing his pencil on his nose.
Finally, though, Socrates began writing out his decision.
Calvin,
First off I'd like you for taking time out of your BUSY schedule to take my personality test! I'd also like to thank you for the dinosaurs in rocket ships you drew all over the paper. I will cut them out in paste them in my official Journal of Pranks.
Now on to your results. Your 100 percent insane. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Socrates, Prank Master
Socrates read over his letter, and grinned.
"I think I'll just fax this over to Calvin through his MTM." He said, turning to a fax machine on his desk.
Socrates inserted the paper, and pushed the button.
"Your fax has been sent." An electronic voice said.
"Very nice." Socrates said.
He opened a drawer, took out some cotton balls, and put them in his ears.
And, then, he waited.
There was a moment of silence.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHH!!!!!!"
Socrates nodded his head along with the scream that echoed throughout the whole town.
"Yep, two minutes of pure scream. He's insane, alright. Security, please lock all the doors and windows."
"Affirmative." Said another electronic voice.
Outside the mansion, a thick steel plate dropped down from above the front and back doors, crashing to the ground, and blocking them. Around the house, stiff steel bars curled out from the wall, and blocked the windows. Then another steel plate flew across the top of the chimney. Finally, the back of the house opened up, and large chains flew out, and wrapped the mansion up, completely.
A sign popped up out of the dirt, next to the walkway to the front door.
GO AWAY.
Socrates remained locked up in his house, until Elliot came back from wherever it was he went, and saw the house.
He sighed, and took a remote control out of his pocket.
He pushed a button.
Beep, beep
Suddenly, all the chains retracted back into the house, and the steel plates lifted.
Elliot walked into the house, and was greeted by Socrates, yelling at him to hurry up, and lock it back up.
Socrates spent a lot of his locked up time in his room, laughing about being a mad genius, and such.
"Ho, ho!" He yelled. "I'm the best pranker in the world! NOBODY has ever thought of that! Ha, if only I had charged Calvin a buck or two for the test to make some cash off it!"
Socrates paused.
"Hmmm, Maybe I still can."
Socrates reached over, picked his phone up, and started dialing Calvin's number.
BRIIIING!!! BRIIING!!! BRIIING!!!
"Coming." Hobbes sighed, getting up from the couch, and picking the telephone up. "Hello? Hi, Socrates. What is Calvin doing? He is in the process of aiming one of his inventions at your house. What was that? No, I will not ask him to give you a dollar for you. No, I will not tell him your charging interest."
At that very moment, a low humming began emitting from Calvin's bedroom, upstairs.
"Oh, and, uh, Socrates? Calvin's switched his invention on. You're house is going to be shambles in a few minutes. Mmmm hmmm, your welcome. Yes I'm sure I'm not going to ask him! What? No, he's about to vaporize house, are you going to do anything about it? Yeah... NO, I'M NOT ASKING HIM! Huh? Goodbye, Socrates!"
Hobbes hung up.
"Darn." Socrates said. "Oh well, I guess I could always just sell the test to other people."
Socrates picked a mirror up from his desk, and walked over to his bedroom window.
He examined the outside, then held the mirror out directly in front of him.
ZZZZZAPPP!!!!
Suddenly, a bolt of electricity ripped across the sky towards Socrates' house.
The bolt hit the mirror, head on, ricocheted off, and created a giant crater in his neighbor's back yard, instead.
Socrates held the mirror up, and blew some smoke off.
He then threw it aside.
"Well, I'd better get to work." He said.
Soon afterwards, Socrates was outside, his arms loaded up with tools.
He walked out to the front of his house, took a couple planks of wood, and began nailing them together.
He stood up, and stared at his work so far.
"Well, this is going to take some time." He sighed.
Andy walked out of his house, and looked around.
"Huh, I haven't seen Calvin or Socrates for a few hours." He said to himself, looking off in the direction of Socrates' mansion. "That usually means Calvin is trying to get back at him for something."
Andy took a glance at his watch, then starting walking off down the sidewalk.
Socrates' mansion was on the other side of the neighborhood. So Andy never really went there that often. Especially since he wasn't a very large fan of the tiger, either.
But this time, he had to check to make sure Calvin hadn't caused some physical health problems to him.
Andy rounded a corner, and it was then that the mansion came in sight.
At this point, Andy paused.
Socrates never pranked him that much, but the area around the house was usually rigged with booby traps.
You never know what's going to happen to you when you come within two hundred feet of Socrates' house.
Andy looked around, and picked a rock off the ground.
He tossed it on the sidewalk square next to him.
Nothing happened, so he stepped onto it.
Then he picked the rock back up, and tested the next square.
Nothing.
Andy then picked the rock up, again, and tossed it onto the third square.
TWANG!!!!!
Suddenly, the sidewalk square sprang up, and sent the rock flying straight upward.
Andy sighed.
He walked around the block, and continued.
By the time he reached the gate, Andy stopped completely.
"SOCRATES!" He called.
There was a moment of silence.
"SOCRATES!!!" He yelled, again.
There was another moment of silence.
"I'm coming to make sure Calvin hasn't killed you after that scream I heard! Hello?"
"Greetings, customer!"
Andy blinked.
He looked around.
Then, he spotted Socrates.
He was standing behind a giant crate, with a sign hung above him.
Socrates' Personality Tests
Test your personality!
Andy stared at him.
"Socrates, what are you doing?" He asked.
"I'm running a business, what does it look like I'm doing?" Socrates replied. "Feel free to enter, I've disabled all the prank traps."
Andy hesitated, then slowly started walking through the gate, and into the yard.
"So, sir, What can I get you?"
Andy walked up to the crate, and crossed his arms.
"Socrates, I only came here to make sure you're still alive after that scream I heard from Calvin." He paused. "You don't seem to worried about it."
"Of course not. I've been pranking Calvin since I met him. What has happened to me, yet?"
Andy rolled his eyes.
"Well, let's see. You're voice has been switched into that of a duck's, you've been electrocuted by the MTM, You've been trapped in the hypercube, a transmitter has been inserted into you, You've been ejected into the clou..."
"Wait a minute," Socrates interrupted. "What was that last one?"
Andy's eyes blanked out.
"Uhhh... electrocuted by the MTM?" He guessed.
Socrates blinked.
"Oh, well, anyway, I mean besides all that! I'm in perfect physical health, and I worry not about Calvin or his inventions. Now then, are you interested in buying?"
"Buying what?" Andy inquired, his brow lowering.
"I'm glad you asked!"
Socrates reached under the crate, and pulled out a piece of paper.
"Enter the magical world of Socrates' Personalized Personality Tests! Are you tired of browsing the internet for the right kind of personality test that doesn't ask for your personal information, such as your email address, blood type, or credit card number?"
"No actually, I've never looked for one in my life." Andy replied.
Socrates paused.
"Huh. Well, anyway, this test asks for none of that information! It has very unique way of testing your character! Here's a sample!"
Socrates handed Andy a piece of paper.
Andy took it, and stared at it.
"Question one," He read. "When will the Trix Rabbit finally triumph over those bratty kids, and get that stupid cereal? Question two, Have you ever seen Batman Forever? Question three, How many fingers am I holding up as I write this?"
"Yep, There's no other test like it."
"I can see that." Andy replied.
"Each test is only a dollar a piece! And I gather the results up for free!"
"Uh huh."
Andy handed the test back to Socrates.
"Uh, Socrates, I'm not really that..."
"Plus, if you purchase now, shipping is free!!!"
Andy stared at him.
"You mean you're going to mail it to me?" He asked.
"Uh... no."
Andy rolled his eyes.
"OK, fine, I have some loose change in my pocket."
Andy reached into his pocket, and pulled out some quarters.
Socrates happily collected them, and handed Andy a test.
"Pleasure doing business with you sir! When you're done with it, just bring it on back to me, and I'll calculate your results."
"Uh huh." Andy said. "Thanks, Socrates."
And with that, Andy turned around, and began walking back out of the yard, reading the questions as he went.
Socrates grinned.
He pulled out a piece of paper, and read through it.
It was list of all the people he knew.
He crossed Andy's name out, and put the paper back.
"This is going to be easier than I thought." He chuckled to himself.
A little bit later, Hobbes was walking down the sidewalk, whistling to himself, and playing with a paddle ball.
He was heading down to Brown's General Store for a comic book.
On the way, he walked by Socrates' mansion.
At first nothing happened.
Hobbes paid no notice to the house, as he continued on his way.
Then, he heard a voice coming from the gate.
Well, it was more of a scream.
"STEP RIGHT UP FOLKS!!! PERSONALITY TESTS!! ONLY ONE MEASLY DOLLAR!! YOU'LL THANK ME IN THE NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE!!! COME AND GET 'EM! PERSONALITY TESTS!!"
Hobbes sighed, and stopped.
He turned around, and began walking back to the mansion.
He entered the gate, and walked up to Socrates, who was grinning at him from behind his crate.
"Yes, Socrates?" He asked.
"Greetings, citizen!" Socrates declared. "Can I interest you in a personality test that will perhaps test your very personality?"
"No."
"GRRRR-ATE!!!" Socrates yelled. "Tests are only a buck a piece, and I gather up your results for free!!!"
"What are you going to do when Calvin comes over here?"
"I'm glad you asked, here's a sample of my award winning test!"
"Are you even listening to me?" Hobbes demanded.
"Yes, it is a nice day, isn't it? Here ya go!"
Socrates shoved a piece of paper into Hobbes' face.
Hobbes took it, and stared at it for a long time.
"Question seven, have you ever met Lyle?" He read. "Who the heck is he?"
"I dunno, some guy I saw in the grocery store yesterday." Socrates replied.
"Socrates, I'm not interested in buying a paper with lunatic questions on it. Besides I only have seventy five cents with me." Hobbes said, handing the paper back to Socrates.
"No problem! I accept cash, check or major credit card!" He said, grinning.
"NO!" Hobbes yelled. "I'm going down to the store to get a comic book, and I'm not paying you any money."
"OK, Hobbes, for you, a good buddy, I'll give you a discount, and only charge ya fifty cents."
"Forget it, Socrates." Hobbes said.
"Forty cents! Thirty! TWENY!!"
"I'm leaving now."
"Ten cents! How about for just ten cents?! Five! ONLY FIVE CENTS!!"
"Goodbye, Socrates." Hobbes said, walking towards the gate.
"A penny!! JUST A PENNY!!!! OK!!! YOU WIN!!! I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE!!! IN FACT I'LL PAY YOU FOR IT!! HERE!!"
Hobbes paused at the gate.
He stared at Socrates suspiciously.
"OK, fine, I'll take a test. Are you happy now?"
At this, Socrates immediately calmed down.
"Quite. Here you are my good man." He said, handing Hobbes one of the tests.
Hobbes took it, and stared at him.
"What about the money you said you were going to pay me for it?" He asked.
"What money?" Socrates asked, innocently. "Now if you wouldn't mind as to leaving, your blocking the line."
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Whatever." He said, turning around, and leaving.
It wasn't long before Sherman had to leave the house.
He had run out of... something, and he needed it to continue his experiment.
Sherman took his goggles off, and jumped down from his chair.
He walked over to the lab door, and opened it up.
He walked through the livingroom, where he found Andy.
He was sitting on the couch, tapping his chin with a pencil, and staring down at a piece of paper.
"Andy, I'm going out to get some hydrochloric acid. What are you doing?"
"Nothing, just something I got down the block." Andy replied. "Sherman, what would you do if a sweaty sumo wrestler got stuck in your bathtub?"
Sherman ignored him, and walked to the door.
"That's nice, Andy. I'm going down to the University in town."
And with that, Sherman walked out the door, which was conveniently left open.
The University was, of course, down the street from Socrates' mansion, so Sherman had to pass his house to get there.
Sherman, however, wanted no part in Socrates or his weird businesses, so he when he passed the front gate leading to Socrates' yard, he totally ignored the tiger screaming, "WELCOME CUSTOMER!"
Socrates stood behind his crate, grinning, and holding his arms out.
When Sherman ignored him, his grin began to wilt.
"I said, WELCOME CUSTOMER!!!" He yelled, again.
Sherman kept walking.
"May I remind you I have the rest of the sidewalk rigged for the next five hundred feet?" Socrates said.
Sherman stopped walking.
He sighed, heavily, and turned back around.
"What do you want, cat?" He demanded. "This had better be good. I'm very busy today!"
"Well, soon you'll be even busier, with Socrates' Personalized Personality Tests!" Socrates yelled. "Are you ready for the personality test of the FUTURE?!"
"Why did Andy have to become friends with you morons?" Sherman sighed. "Why couldn't he had befriended someone at the University?"
Socrates ignored Sherman, and continued talking.
"Yes, with my unique character measurers, you can discover what is really going on in that little noggin of yours!"
"Don't you have anything better to do?" Sherman growled.
"And I only charge one MEASY little dollar! That's right! One buck for a test that will be worth MILLIONS one day!"
"Have you suffered any major head injuries, recently?" Sherman asked.
"All you have to do is answer my one-of-a-kind questions, hand it over to me, and I shall reveal your true characteristics!"
"If you think I'm going to pay money for something you whipped up on a computer in thirty seconds, then your crazy." Sherman said. "I'm leaving."
Socrates' brow furrowed.
"Hum, gee. I guess I'm just going to have to rocket you into the stratosphere." He said, shaking his head.
He reached under his crate and pulled out a remote control.
He pulled the antenna out, and prepared to push the button.
"ALRIGHT, I'LL BUY YOUR STUPID TEST!!!" Sherman screeched.
Socrates' finger halted, inches away from the button.
"Ah very nice, would you prefer two tests so you can sell it in the future and become a multibillionaire?"
"No, just give me the paper so I get out of here!" Sherman hissed.
"OK, it's your life. That will be one dollar!"
Sherman grumbled, and pulled a small hypercube out of the pocket in his lab coat.
He pulled out a dollar bill, and handed it to Socrates.
Socrates gleefully gathered it up, and handed Sherman the test.
"Just use one of your invention things to shrink it, and you'll be on your way! Or you could pay Calvin another dollar to have him shrink it. Have yourself a good day!"
"I'll get you for this..." Sherman growled, before adding the paper to his hypercube, and walking off.
Socrates watched him go.
"Hot dog!" He yelled, once Sherman was out of earshot. "This is my best prank yet! Not only am I tricking the heck out of them, they're paying me to do it! Now let's see..."
Socrates looked down at his crate, where he had placed the money.
"I've made two bucks on this deal. Gave one to Hobbes for free... huh..."
Socrates paused for a moment.
"Well, I might as well start waiting for them to finish the tests."
And with that, Socrates took his two dollars into the house.
Socrates, however, did not have to wait long for Hobbes, Andy and Sherman to finish the tests.
Hobbes was the first to finish his test, and deliver it back to Socrates, followed by Sherman and Andy.
I have no interest in going into detail about Hobbes, Andy and Sherman coming back with the tests, so use your imagination.
"WHOO HOO!" Socrates yelled, leaping into his room, and slapping the tests onto his desk. "And now, to make their dollar worth it!"
Socrates quickly whipped up some letters.
Hobbes,
First off, I'd like to thank you for purchasing my test! I know it really put a dent in your budget!
Now, on to your results: Your brain's a wadded up piece of paper. Thank you for taking Socrates' Personality Test.
Sincerely,
Prank Master, Socrates
He went over it, grinned with approval, and set it aside.
He then went on to write Sherman's letter. In which he called him a greasy hairball. Then Andy, who Socrates labeled as a "video game weirdo".
Socrates, of course, did not hand these "results" over to Andy, Sherman and Hobbes personally. He faxed Andy and Sherman's over through Sherman's lab, and left Hobbes' on his doorstep, and knocked the door.
"AAAAAAUGH!!!!!!" Came a scream from Sherman's lab.
Andy looked up from his video game, and stared at the lab door.
There was a moment of silence.
"Shermie?" he asked, uncertainly.
Sherman burst out of his lab, anger plastered all over his face.
"Andy!" He yelled. "You and I have been HAD!!"
"What are you talking about?" Andy asked.
"Why don't you ask Mr Personality Test?" Sherman growled. "Here!"
Sherman took his hypercube out, and pulled out Andy's letter.
Andy took it, and read through it.
"Dear Andy, thank you for purchasing my test, blah blah blah..."
Andy looked up at Sherman.
"That's what it says." He said. "Thank you for purchasing my test, blah, blah, blah."
"Keep reading." Sherman said.
Andy went back to the letter, and continued reading.
As he reached the last sentence, his eyes burst open.
"What?!" He demanded. "Video Game Weirdo? What the heck is that supposed to mean?"
"He called me a greasy hairball!" Sherman said, angrily. "He tricked us into paying him money so he could insult us!"
Suddenly, Andy and Sherman's attention were drawn away from Socrates' latest hoax, and to a pounding that came from the door.
"It's open!" Andy called.
The door opened up, and Hobbes walked into the house.
He seemed very ticked off.
"Hello, Andy. Vermin. I believe you've already heard about Socrates' Personality Tests?"
Andy and Sherman nodded.
"I suspected as much. By any chance did he sell one to you?"
"Yes." Andy said. "We completed the test, and he sent back a bunch of insults."
There was a moment of silence.
"Well, let's go kill him then." Sherman said.
He began walking towards the door.
"Hold it, rat!" Hobbes said. "He's probably ready for any of us to come by. Chances are everything is rigged around his house."
"I'm going to ignore you called me rat." Sherman said, through gritted teeth.
"What do you think we should do, then?" Andy asked.
At that very moment, a sound reached Hobbes, Andy and Sherman's ears.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH
They looked up.
There was Calvin.
He was dragging a bucket down the sidewalk. Whatever was in it was pretty heavy, considering his constant grunts and growls.
Hobbes, Andy and Sherman stared at Calvin for a moment.
"Hello, Calvin." Hobbes said. "Do I dare ask what you're doing?"
Calvin looked up.
"I'm going to go pelt buckeyes at Socrates' house. Care to join me?" He said, through gritted teeth.
"Personality test?" Andy asked.
"Personality test." Calvin replied.
And with that, Calvin continued heaving the bucket along.
"Calvin, wait a minute!" Sherman called.
Calvin stopped.
"What now?!" He demanded. "I have a very busy hour ahead of me!"
"Everyone, come here!" Sherman said. "I know how we can really get back at Socrates!"
"Really?" Hobbes asked. "How?"
"Come here."
Calvin, reluctantly, left his bucket of buckeyes on the sidewalk, and walked over to Sherman.
The four huddled together, and began discussing their plan.
Socrates peeked out of his window.
"That's weird." He said to himself. "I was at least expecting them to stand in front of the mansion, and glare."
Socrates walked away from his window.
He sat back down on his bed, and began reading his comic book.
But something kept him from reading.
Socrates got back up, and began pacing, glancing out his window every few seconds.
"Where the heck are they?!" He demanded. "This is taking forever. Here I am all ready for whatever revenge they have to throw at me, and they're not doing anything! The nerve!"
Socrates took another glance at their windows.
"Dynamite should be exploding outside right now! There should lions pawing at my door! Calvin should be standing in the yard gate with a cannon!! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!"
Socrates continued pacing.
"If they don't get back at me, soon, I'll surely go mad!! What will be the point of living anymore? How can you possibly live in a world where you don't get your pranks returned to you?! IT'S A MADHOUSE!! A MADHOUSE!!!!"
Suddenly, and just in time, the doorbell rang.
Socrates stopped pacing.
"Ah! There we go! I'm going to answer the door, and there's gonna be some mutant, killer Trix Rabbits behind it or something!"
Socrates rushed downstairs, and paused at the door.
He cleared his throat.
"Who is it?" He called, sweetly.
There was a moment of silence.
Socrates blinked.
Very slowly, he opened the door, and looked around.
Nobody was there.
Socrates looked all around, then looked down.
There was an envelope on the ground.
Socrates grinned.
"Hellllllo, what's this? A fan letter, perhaps?"
He picked the envelope up, and walked into the house with it.
"Hmm, the return address is Andy's address. Very well, let's see what ol' Sherman has in store for me."
Socrates took one claw, and began running it along the top of the envelope.
Socrates opened it up, and took out a piece of paper.
He unfolded it, and looked it up and down.
Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman's Personality Test
Discover your true character!
Socrates stared at it for a long time.
Then a grin spread across his face.
He began chuckling. Which soon turned to roaring laughter.
"HA, HA, HA, HA!!" He screamed, slapping his knee. "OK, guys, I've seen you reaching before, but this is just pathetic! You're sending me a prank personality test? HA!"
He went over the paper, again.
"Well, I'd hate to disappoint them." He said, finally. "I'll take a crack at it, and see what kind of insults they can come up with."
Socrates walked up to his room with the paper.
He set it down at his desk, took a pencil, and sat down.
"Lets see, here. Question one: What time is it?"
Socrates looked at the clock.
He went back down to the paper.
"Seven thrity-six." He said. "Question two: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
He thought for a moment.
"9.7" He wrote. "Question three: How many stripes do you have?"
Socrates paused, then slowly started counting his stripes.
This went on for several minutes.
Finally, though, Socrates finished the test, and he was ready to send it off to Calvin and the gang.
"Oo-kay!" He chuckled, setting the test in an envelope. "I wonder what they'll call me? A red striped furball? A brainless babbling freak? A booger brained moron? The list is endless!"
Socrates walked outside, put his envelope in the mailbox, put the flag up, and went skipping back into the house.
Socrates spent the rest of the day guessing what Calvin and gang were going to call him. Elliot had to tell him to shut up fifty or sixty times before he finally got the message.
The next day, Socrates woke up at seven in the morning, anticipating his results.
When the mail finally came, Socrates was out there in flash.
He reached in sorted through a bunch of bills that Elliots parents had to pay, a catalog, and some guy promising that Socrates had just won ten billion dollars.
Finally he came to it.
The envelope was addressed to Socrates, and instead of a return address had the words, "PERSONALITY TEST" written across it.
Socrates happily took the envelope into the house.
"Well, the mystery is to be solved in a few seconds!" He said, ripping it open, and taking the paper out. "infuriated explosion, angry insults, personal cracks about my appearance, I'm ready for it all!"
Socrates unfolded the paper, and stared at it.
It only had two words on it.
Go outside.
Socrates stared at it for a long moment.
He turned his head and looked out the window.
Everything was normal. He saw nothing outside.
He turned back, and stared at the paper.
"Go outside, huh?" He said, rubbing his chin. "Quite mysterious, but not that convincing. Chances are they're gonna lead me to a group of people, and insult me using some neon lights or something."
Socrates folded the paper up, and set it down.
"Very well, I shall humor Calvin, and step outside. It is a lovely day." He said.
Socrates walked out to his door, and stepped out onto the porch.
He looked around for a long moment.
He saw nothing out of the ordinary. No signs of Calvin, Hobbes, Andy or Sherman.
Slowly, he took a step off his porch.
Nothing happened so he continued walking until he reached the yard gate.
"YO, CALVIN! HOBBES! ANDY! SHER-MAN! I HAVE EXITED THE FOUNDATION! PLEASE PROCEED TO INSULT ME!" He called out.
He looked around.
There was no answer.
"OK, you can knock off the creepiness now!" Socrates said, walking across the street to the other side of the road. "I know you're out there! Hiding behind a bush, waiting to jump out and insult me terribly! Just do it now, so I can get back to reading my comic books!"
No answer.
Socrates put his hands on his hips, and looked around.
"Alright, this is starting to get annoying now! If you're not going to do anything, then I'm just going back into the house!"
No answer.
"Fine! Have it your way! You had you chance for revenge, and you blew it! BLEW IT!"
He turned around, and began walking back towards the mansion.
"I'm sure you'll get over the crushing humility one of these days, until then, I remain Socrates, prank mast–AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUGH!!!!"
Suddenly, a net sprang up from the road, flinging Socrates through the air.
CRASH!!!
Slowly, Socrates' opened his eyes.
He was laying upside down in a cardboard box.
He muttered to himself for a moment, then got up.
"OK, good one, guys, throw me through the air with a net! Ha ha!"
Socrates looked around.
Nobody replied.
By this time, Socrates was getting annoyed.
"OK, you can come out now! Jokes over! Time to be friends again! HEY! GET OUT HERE!!!"
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Socrates looked down.
There were buttons and lights drawn all over the box.
Socrates blinked.
"OK, so the joke's not over, yet. Sue me." He said, to himself.
ZOOOM!!
"AAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
The box shot forward, flying in a straight line for a while, then rocketed off towards the north.
Still holding Socrates.
Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman were watching from a nearby tree.
"Heh, heh, heh." Calvin chuckled. "Kitty Kitty never saw that coming! Good job Vermin."
"Don't push it." Sherman growled.
"Whatever."
"So, Andy, how long is Socrates going to be up there?" Hobbes asked.
"Oh, I dunno." Andy said. "four, five hours? Enough to make him reconsider his business."
"Very nice." Calvin said. "Well, I'm off to go raid Socrates' candy vault in the mansion. Who's with me?"
"Sure, why not?" Hobbes said. "Andy? Sherman?"
"Yeah!" Andy exclaimed
"Whatever." Sherman said, his attention wandering.
Meanwhile, the box had just made it to its destination: The north pole!
Socrates stood in the box for a moment, looking around.
"Well, this stinks." He said, finally.
After several hours, the box finally made a turnaround, and headed back to the mansion.
By this time Socrates was just about half frozen. He was shivering, clattering his teeth, and his fur had turned completely blue.
By the time the box returned to the mansion, Calvin, Hobbes and Andy had just about finished Socrates' candy supply.
The whole gang came out to greet the box, once it arrived.
"Why, hello, Socrates!" Calvin grinned, holding a milk chocolate bar. "Enjoyed your all expense paid trip to Polar Bear land?"
"Y-y-y-y-yeah, su-su-su-sure, wha-wha-whatever." He shivered stepping out of the box. "I need to go in and chip off the frozen fur."
"Be my guest."
Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman stepped aside, and let Socrates shiver his way into the house.
Before he entered, he pushed a button on the side of his door.
SHIIIICK!
Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman turned around, and looked at Socrates' crate, where he had been selling the tests.
A sign was now up.
"Out of business." Hobbes read.
Calvin grinned, widely.
"Looks like Socrates has been building some character." He said.
The End
Voice Work
Pamela Segell Aldon Calvin
Tom Hanks Hobbes
Ryan Stiles Socrates
Andrew Lawrence Andy
Colin Mochrie Sherman
Ben Stine The bus driver
Bill Murray Dad / Mr Spittle
Jennifier Love Hewitt Mom / Mr Spittle's assistant
Neil Corne Dr Brainstorm
Micheal Brandon Jack
Daktota Fanning Susie
Coming up Next: CALVIN FOR PRESIDENT! (Rewritten version)