Summary: Calvin and Hobbes spend a fun filled night camping on Sneer Hill.
And now back to Calvin and Hobbes: The Series
Written by Garfieldodie and Swing123
Roughin' it
Hobbes was busily loading things into a duffel bag in the bedroom.
He quickly opened the closet and went inside.
Several items flew from it and started to land in the bottomless duffel bag.
Two fishing rods, a coloring book, a bottle of bubbles, a yo-yo, some tuna cans, a can opener, a flashlight, a lunchbox, a can of bug spray, two sets of sunglasses, two lawn chairs, a plastic flamingo, a thermos, a box of Hostess Twinkies, a box of Big Cheez-Its and a set of comic books went sailing into the bag.
Hobbes reemerged, dusting his paws off, and he began looking around for anything he'd forgotten.
He noticed one of Calvin's old picture books lying in the corner. He picked it up and looked it over.
"Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie," he read. "It's an undoubted classic."
Hobbes tossed the book in the bag.
Then he picked up an extra book and read the title.
"Monsters by the Moon," he read. "Eh, why not?"
He put it in with the rest.
With that, Hobbes picked the duffel bag and made his way out of the house. He found the wagon sitting by the door. He loaded up the bag and pulled the wagon up Sneer Hill.
Calvin was on one of Sneer Hill's cliffs. He had set up a tent and was now setting up the sleeping bags.
Calvin then got the urge to recite one of his award-winning poems.
"I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree," he said, observing his surroundings. "And under trees I take my rest…for camping seems to me the best! On pebbled ground and hardened earth…I lay my happy body's girth. I find, at morning, as I rise, my back don't work, to my surprise."
"And thus, we also discover the creation of the great Motel Six," a voice said.
Calvin whipped around.
Hobbes was approaching with the wagon.
"Hey, Hobbes. Did you get everything for our night out?"
"Yep. And odds are, we're only going to use three of these things," Hobbes said, opening the bag.
"Excellent," said Calvin, reaching in and pulling out a few things.
"Now then, may you remind me why we are camping?" Hobbes asked. "I do seem to recall that none of us like camping. In fact, I also believe that we hate it with every ounce of our beings that aren't taken up with slimy girls and the gymnasium membership spokesmen."
"Well, if you must know, Hobbes, we're only a quarter of a mile from the house, unlike when Dad takes us out on a rock in a lake," Calvin pointed out. "Plus, the wagon is here for a quick getaway, should it ever come to that."
"Ah," said Hobbes. "Oh, by the way. I brought some bug spray."
"Toss it over."
Hobbes handed Calvin the bug spray, and he promptly began spraying himself with it.
"That's the thing about bugs and camping," Calvin commented, giving himself a good going over. "Bugs can ruin a good night's sleep when you're camping. So you're very careful to close up the tent quickly when you get in, and before you lay down, you scan the tent thoroughly with a flashlight."
"And yet somehow, a big ol' honkin' mosquito always gets in," said Hobbes scornfully.
"Shall we enter?"
"Ready when you are."
Calvin and Hobbes crawled inside their tent with the duffel bag.
Calvin had already laid out two sleeping bags.
"Oh, big news today," said Calvin. "Dad's finally down to his last Y2k razor."
"Y2k razor?" asked Hobbes.
"Yeah. Remember how people got all crazy at Y2K and stockpiled water and canned food?"
Hobbes nodded.
"Well, Dad didn't do any of that. Then, of course, on New Year's Eve, 1999, Dad panicked and bought seventy-two packs of shaving razors," Calvin said.
Hobbes stared.
"In retrospect, not his finest moment as a consumer."
"But think about the close, clean, comfortable shave he would've had for the apocalypse," Hobbes joked. "Speaking of your dad, did he say when we could have our Lord of the Rings video back yet?"
"Nah. He's still ticked we dropped his college ring into the chili Mom was making for dinner while we were reenacting it a few days ago," said Calvin.
There was a pause.
"Oh! Fun fact!" said Hobbes. "Did you know that 'five' in German is 'foomf'?"
Calvin grinned.
"As in, I have foomf fingers on my hand?" he asked.
"Or the human body has foomf senses," said Hobbes.
"Or Bruce Willis starred in the Foomf Element?"
There was a pause as they both thought.
"…Michael Jackson and the Jackson Foomf!" said Hobbes at last.
"And we have a winner!" Calvin laughed. "And staying on the German topic, you know how Andy and Sherman have cable, and their cable company gets that German Channel?"
"Yeah."
"They were once playing a horribly translated version of Batman. The 'I'm Batman' line killed me! It sounded all weird like 'Ich bin der Fledermaus-Mann'!"
They both started laughing.
"Ahhh, we kid the Germans," Hobbes laughed.
There was a long pause.
"Well, I'm bored. Let's go outside," Calvin said at last.
"Okay."
Calvin and Hobbes walked outside and looked around.
It was very peaceful and serene.
They began walking around the woods.
"Say, if penguins only live in the South Pole, why haven't humans flown a few hundred to the North Pole? You know, start a new breeding colony?" Hobbes asked.
"Because we don't mess with nature like that," Calvin replied.
"Oh, you don't?" Hobbes said accusingly. "What about the introduction of the tomato, the potato and a hundred other American crops to Europe? What about introducing the 'Indian Mongoose' to Puerto Rico, directly causing the extinction of seven species of amphibians and reptiles? What about Monsanto's creation of a seed that can only be used once, so farmers have to keep paying for more? What about the Russian-Japanese consortium that's actively working on bringing back the woolly mammoth?"
There was an incredibly awkward silence.
"…I don't know why no one's moved penguins yet," Calvin finally said.
"Yeah. It just seems like something you'd have done by now," Hobbes commented.
They then spotted a tree just ahead.
They immediately started climbing it.
Hobbes leaned against the tree trunk while Calvin sat out on a branch.
"You ever do that thing where you hold your nose while pushing air into your sinuses and the air has nowhere to go, so it comes out of your eye sockets?" Calvin asked.
Hobbes stared at him.
"You and I lead very different lives," Hobbes commented.
Calvin sighed and looked at the setting sun.
"All life on Earth derives its energy from the sun, right?" he asked.
"I'm guessing so," said Hobbes.
"The sun feeds the photosynthetic plant, which is eaten by the herbivore, which is eaten by the carnivore, and so on and so forth."
"True."
"But deep in the Pacific, where sunlight can't reach, there are squat lobsters whose food chain is based on chemosynthesis. They get their energy from chemical plumes in heat vents."
"I see."
"Right, and so long after our sun goes kaput, and the rest of the living Earth dies out, those lobsters will still be kicking around, livin' la vida loca," Calvin said.
"Huh," said Hobbes. "So the bible had it wrong. It's no the meek that shall inherit the Earth, but instead its eyeless deep-sea squat lobsters."
Calvin sighed. "It's less poetic, granted."
"And speaking of the bible—"
"Be careful. We've got censors," Calvin warned, pointing at the camera.
"Relax. Anyway, David killed Goliath with a stone, right?"
"Right."
"Wrong," Hobbes said. "Goliath was a giant, which probably means he had acromegaly."
"What's that?" asked Calvin.
"The body produces too much growth hormone, creating a huge human being. But the heart can't keep up, and eventually just gives out."
"I see. So David killed Goliath…?"
"…by making him jog a little," said Hobbes.
Calvin stared.
"We probably ticked off so many people by saying that," he sighed.
Hobbes simply chuckled, and they climbed back down the tree.
They returned to the tent as the stars were coming out.
"Mosquito check?" Calvin asked.
Hobbes checked everywhere.
"We're in the clear," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "…Supposedly."
"Good boy, Shatner," Calvin muttered, who zipped up the tent.
Calvin pulled out a book from the duffel.
"Ooh, that old monster book. I haven't read this since I was three."
"Indeed, it was an interesting read," Hobbes said.
Calvin opened it as Hobbes got comfortable.
"Two little monsters danced by the moon. They danced as a comet whistled a tune. One jumped up and then jumped down. The other one ran around and around. One little monster jumps over big trees. The other little monster's on his hands and knees. One little monster jumps over a river. The other little monster feels a cold shiver. One little monster bumps his head. The other little monster says, 'It's time for bed'. The End."
Calvin closed the book.
"T'was a short tale," Hobbes sighed.
Calvin then opened a window flap on the tent.
"Hey. Whaddya know? We have a full moon tonight, Hobbes," he said.
"So?"
"A full moon is when the little monsters come out," Calvin said.
Hobbes grinned.
"Ah… And I take it we are those monsters?" he asked.
"Indeed, Hobbes," Calvin said in a gruff voice. "What say we bound around the forest and have some nighttime fun like the other little monsters of the world?"
"Wondrous idea, Calvin," said Hobbes in a gruff voice. "Let's go."
Calvin unzipped the tent.
They scurried outside quickly, and then Hobbes quickly zipped it up again.
"Do monsters hate mosquitoes?" asked Hobbes.
"Everyone hates mosquitoes," Calvin replied.
They then stalked off into the night.
Calvin and Hobbes crept around their campsite, pretending to be monsters.
Calvin had his arms outstretched, and was walking very slowly and Hobbes was walking on all fours, creeping through the grass.
They did this for a few minutes.
Finally, Calvin stopped, and stretched his arms.
"Well, Hobbes, we've been friendly monsters for about fifteen minutes, now." He said, looking around the forest. "What do you want to do, now?"
Hobbes stood up, and looked off towards the campsite.
"Well, the sun's starting to set. Shall we go watch it?" He suggested.
"Yes, let's." Calvin grinned.
Calvin and Hobbes ran through the trees, onto the small platform where their tents were set up.
"Wow!" Hobbes sighed, looking at the pink and blue sky before them. "The wonders of nature never cease to amaze me!"
"Ditto." Calvin nodded. "It's Mother Nature's own TV."
Calvin and Hobbes sat down at the edge of the cliff, and stared off at the sunset.
There was a moment of silence.
"So, Hobbes, do you ever think about the infiniteness of the universe?" Calvin asked, looking up.
Hobbes paused.
"Uh, no, not really." He replied. "Why do you ask?"
"Just wondering." Calvin said. "Ya know when you think about it, our planet is just a tiny dust speck in an ever expanding universe."
"True." Hobbes nodded. "Makes one wonder why this is the planet all the aliens are concentrating their attention on."
"Yep." Calvin agreed. "And another thing, I read that there's a giant black hole at the center of our galaxy. What's keeping it from pulling us into the great unknown?"
There was a moment of silence.
"Good question." Hobbes considered. "Well, I'm sure the Earth has avoided several horrific disasters on many occasions."
"Right." Calvin said.
By this time, the sun had completely set, and the only light was the few bits of pink still showing over the mountain.
Calvin and Hobbes sat on the hill watching as the stars began to become visible, and the full moon overhead became the best source of light.
Calvin and Hobbes remained silent for a while, listening to the sounds of forests, crickets chirping, squirrels jumping from the trees, and so on.
There was a long moment of silence.
"Well, it's time for the most fun part about camping!" Calvin said, suddenly, getting up.
"Really?" Hobbes said, looking up. "What's that?"
"Marshmallow roasting!" Calvin cheered.
Hobbes grinned.
"Ah yes, there's nothing that can top stuffing fiery s'mores into one's mouth." He said, getting up.
"You said it, I'll get the special oven I invented." Calvin said, walking towards the hypercube.
Hobbes blinked.
"Uhhh... maybe we should just eat them raw..." He started.
Calvin shrugged.
"Fine with me... Now let's see here..."
Calvin began rooting through the hypercube, and then pulled out a giant bag stuffed with marshmallows.
"Now, if Dad was here, this bag of marshmallows would instead be three hundred cans of pure spam." Calvin said, tugging at the top of the bag.
Hobbes nodded.
"Yep. heart burn galore. Now, then, do you need any help?"
"No, I got it, I just gotta..."
Calvin struggled with bag, tugging at it, and attempting to open it.
"RRRRGH!! I think I've almost... RRRRRGH!!!!!"
Hobbes watched, silently as Calvin held the bag to the ground with his feet, while yanking upward on it with his hands.
The bag refused to break.
"Wow, what do these factories use?" Calvin demanded. "Plastic cement?"
"Here, let me see it." Hobbes said, taking the bag from Calvin.
He extended a single claw, and ran it along the top of the bag.
RRIIIIIIP!!!
"There we go." He grinned, handing the bag back to Calvin.
Calvin stared at Hobbes for second.
He shrugged.
"Ah well, it's opened."
Calvin and Hobbes then began stuffing their faces with marshmallows.
This went on for a while, before the bag finally emptied, and they were left full and happy, and with sticky marshmallow all over their mouths.
"Aaaaah..." Calvin sighed, patting his stomach. "There's nothing better."
"Yep. Say what time is it?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin checked his watch.
"About nine thirty." He replied.
"Hmm, time flies when your eating dense sugar." Hobbes considered.
"Indeed." Calvin nodded. "Have you ever noticed that the more fun you have the faster time goes? And the more bored you are, the slower time goes, and when Christmas rolls around, time stands at a complete standstill?"
"Yes, that is something I've noticed." Hobbes nodded.
"It makes you wonder. Technically, it means your fun ends sooner, your misery lasts longer, and your anticipation drives you to the brink!"
"Yes, well if it was the other way around, what would be the point of life lessons?" Hobbes asked.
"How do you mean?"
"Well, if time slowed down while you were having fun, sped up when you were bored, and then just shot through December, how would be able to appreciate it?"
Calvin paused.
"I guess that's true." He considered. "Still, it would be nice to be able to control how fast time goes when your bored or having fun."
"You do. You have the Time Pauser." Hobbes replied.
"Right..."
There was a moment of silence, in which Calvin and Hobbes watched the stars.
"They sure do go on for a long time." Calvin commented.
"Yes," Hobbes nodded. "Kind of makes you feel small and insignificant."
"They do." Calvin agreed. "Hey look, there's Venus!"
Calvin pointed towards the sky.
"And there's Jupiter!" Hobbes said, pointing at another part of the sky.
"Looks like Mars isn't here, tonight." Calvin said. "But I can see the Big Dipper!"
Yes, and there's that hunter guy. What was his name, again?" Hobbes asked.
"Not a clue. I pay no attention to anything in astrology."
Hobbes looked down and stared at him.
"How did you know how to find the Big Dipper, then?" He asked.
There was a pause.
"Uuuh... I don't know..."
"Huh."
They both watched the sky a little longer.
"Well," Hobbes said, finally. "How about a small hike through the woods, before bed?"
"Agreed." Calvin nodded.
They both stood up, stretched, and started off into the woods.
"Nice night, tonight, huh?" Hobbes said, as they walked along the trail.
"Indeed." Calvin said. "I'm glad we live in a place where adventure and wonder is right in our backyard."
"Hmm, we get enough action and adventure as it is." Hobbes said.
Calvin looked around.
Fireflies flew all around them with each step they took. Crickets were chirping, and... there was a chipmunk chattering at them from a tree.
"It's a good life, Hobbes ol' buddy." Calvin sighed.
"A magical world." Hobbes nodded.
It wasn't long before they had made a large loop around the campsite, and were back, again.
"Yeah, there goes time again." Calvin sighed. "Seems like we just left."
"What time is it?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin checked his watch.
"It's eleven o'clock."
"Well, I'm pretty tired. What do you say we hit the hay?" Hobbes yawned.
"Agreed." Calvin said. "I'm on mosquito patrol."
Calvin and Hobbes both leaped through the air to the tent, unzipped it, dove inside, and zipped it back up.
Then, with the fury of two rhinos, they explored every inch of the tent with a flashlight and a flyswatter.
"OK, coast is clear." Calvin said, putting his flyswatter down.
"Yep." Hobbes said. "We better keep the swatters near though, just in case."
"Got that covered." Calvin nodded.
He placed the swatters on both sides of the tent, and then yawned.
"What a day, eh, Hobbes?"
"Very philosophical." Hobbes replied.
Still with the flashlights on, the duo unzipped the two sleeping bags laid out in the tent.
Calvin crawled inside first, and zipped it all the back up, so the only thing showing was half of his head.
Hobbes did a large stretch, circled his bag a couple of times, and then crawled inside, so only his tail stuck out at the top.
"Well, goodnight, Hobbes." Calvin said.
"Goodnight, Calvin." Hobbes replied from under the bag.
"Tomorrow let's play pirates over by lake, have another G.R.O.S.S. meeting in the tree house, and take some long hikes through the woods, after we're done with a nice game of Calvinball!"
Hobbes grinned.
"Nothing would please me more!" He chuckled.
And with that, Calvin turned the flashlight off, and they both fell asleep.
Calvin and Hobbes were inseparable companions.
Nothing and nobody could ever disrupt their friendship.
They were friends forever.
The End
Voice work:
Pamela Segall Adlon Calvin
Tom Hanks Hobbes
Coming up next: The Calvin and Hobbes: The Series Season two Finale, THE ALIEN HUNTRESS