CHAPTER 18
"Lady Xiu Soi, we are almost there"
"Hmm?"
Soi yawned and rubbed her eyes as she was gently roused from sleep by the war god. Her cheeks felt numb by the chilling wind that blew all night. She then pulled the gray sheet of blanket that was wrapped around her shoulder. She was riding in front of the carriage along with Guan Yu, and they have been trading reigns the whole night.
Occasionally, his son Guan Ping would pop his head out the window to glimpse at Soi shyly. Soi's heart warmed at his innocence.
As Soi shook remnants of grogginess from her head, she saw a large stone castle in the distance as the dawn was approaching.
"Fan Castle..." Soi whispered as she gazed at the structure.
Before they even reached the grounds of the castle, the gates opened, and a group of people rushed towards them. One of them, Soi recognized, was none other than Shu's sovereign, Liu Bei. Soi couldn't help but feel a sense of familiarity for the kind hearted sovereign.
"Guan Yu, my brother! I am so glad you are alive!"
The two men then locked in a brotherly embrace. "I'm sorry brother...I was not able to find out where you were until now. If I knew, I would have come sooner"
"I knew those guys who took our base could never take you out, but couldn't you at least try to come back before Liu Bei worries himself sick over you? Where have you've been all this time--" his eyes suddenly fell on the girl that Guan Yu was helping down the front seat of the carriage beside him.
"Could it be?"
Liu Bei waited for Soi to reach the ground and bowed in greeting. "I am honored that you have graced us with your presence, Lady Xiu Soi. It's been awhile"
Soi looked at the ruler and couldn't help but smile. "Yes...I believe we haven't seen each other since...the trial..."
At that, Liu Bei's expression softened, which took Soi aback.
"I believe you would not do something so dishonorable, Falling Star."
Soi looked down sadly. "How can you be so sure?"
"You have the same eyes as Lord Liu Bei"
Xiu Soi looked at owner of the voice and felt her nerves tingle. It was none other than Zhuge Liang. Although the man has a powerful aura, she stood her ground and refused to be intimidated.
But he doesn't seem like a jerk like Sima Yi...
Liu Bei then went over to help Guan Yu's family dismount from the carriage. The gentle ruler then turned around and welcomed them all. "Now then, I know all of you are tired. I shall prepare the rooms so you can all retire and have the servants bring food to you...but give me a week and we will have a feast in honor of the safe return of Guan Yu and his family and to welcome the Falling Star"
Soi looked around. She saw Liu Bei's genuinely happy face, along with the serenity of Guan Yu's and Zhang Fei's cheerfulness. Although imposing a cool exterior, Soi knew that Zhuge Liang was happy for Liu Bei as well. She felt a painful ache in her chest as she remembered the bond that she used to share with Ce and Yu. She hated to admit it, but she missed the bastard Sun Ce.
She also noticed that as soon as they dismounted, Guan Ping rushed over to a girl, the same age as him. She also recalled that that girl went out with Liu Bei's party, by Zhang Fei's side.
That must be Xing Cai... she thought as she remembered her Chinese History.
Their closeness brought a new wave of pain; raw and deep. Her breath stopped for the nth time and she remembered Lu Xun yet again
As soon as she finished consuming her breakfast and catching up on sleep, Soi went around the castle and met a number of sweet faced and well mannered people.
Aside from Zhang Fei's jollly laughter, life filled the halls of Shu as the maid servants and guards greeted each other. They seemed content and at peace, truly at home. She also bumped into the quiet Yue Ying, awed at the latter's inventions. She also saw Xing Cai and Guan Ping under the trees, their weapons quietly placed on the side. She went to a quiet space just behind the castle, trees swaying, the long grass being blown by the crisp, cool wind.
She lied down the cool shade of a tree and watched the clouds move about the sky. She closed her eyes and dreamt for while, when she heard a gentle rustle in the grass. It seemed curious, and she felt something hover on her. She opened her eyes and was surprised to see that it was Zhao Yun.
Zhao Yun was about to cool down from his morning exercise by relaxing in his favorite spot by the trees. What surprised him was someone beat him to it. As he looked down the figure, his breath caught as he saw that it was none other than the Falling Star. She looked serene and beautiful, small strands of her hair being blown in the wind with her eyes closed. Her long lashes and hair glinting in the morning sun, Zhao Yun was rooted on the spot. Then her eyes suddenly opened, the general abruptly stepped back.
"You know, that's about the third time you startled me" the girl said, lips in a thin line.
"I am terribly sorry, Lady Xiu Soi" Zhao Yun began to bow in apology yet Soi cut him off. "Forget it, just don't make it a habit, alright?"
Sensing the hint of amusement in her voice, the general looked up and saw her looking at him, eyes full of mirth.
She chuckled as she saw the confusion on his face. She sat up and gazed at him sincerely. "I'm sorry"
This caught him off guard. "Pardon...My lady?"
"I know I haven't been exactly the most sociable person towards you...but thank you. For helping me out in Xia Pi...even if I dissed you"
"Not at all my lady! It is an honor to be of assistance!" Zhao Yun felt himself gently go red as the younger one intimidated yet at the same time captivated him.
"Why don't you seat down? I promise I won't be mean anymore" Soi chuckled as the general quietly took his place beside her.
Soi looked up and sighed at the clouds. She looked back at Zhao Yun. "You know...We really got off on the wrong side of the river...you want to start out over again?"
Zhao Yun felt speechless. He had never met a woman such as her. He was unsure as to how to act. "...Alright...if that is your wish"
"Great" she held out her hand. "Hello, I'm Xiu Soi...nice to meet you"
Zhao Yun looked at the hand inquisitively. "Oh! Yeah I forgot..."
Soi fisted one of her hands and clasped the other to it. She bowed.
Zhao Yun scrambled to his feet. "No! The pleasure's all mine!" Zhao Yun bowed as well.
"So Zhao Yun," Soi grinned at him as she took her weapon from her holster, "Feel like sparring with me?"
Zhao Yun returned her smile and held his spear. "It will be an honor, my lady."
"Haven't you guys heard about spring cleaning?" Soi sneezed as thousands of dusty wooden scrolls and parchments scattered about the place.
"I'm sorry for asking you this favor Falling Star" Liu Bei kindly told her. "If you want, you could go on ahead..."
"No it's okay. I was the one who volunteered anyway. I want to sweat a little" Soi smiled. "So tell me where and which of these wooden" –she lifted a heavy wooden 'scroll'—"thingies go. All of the writings are like gibberish to me"
"Thank you, Lady Xiu--"
"Drop the Xiu, Liu Bei"
"But of course" he laughed.
"What are you looking for within this mess of scrolls and papers anyway? And why are some of them made of wood?"
"Paper was just discovered during the Early Han period; writings and records were kept in the form of wood. Unfortunately, there are so many, our scribes haven't transferred them all to paper. And to answer your first question, I am looking for my family tree"
Soi regarded the mess of papers and smell of mossy wood around her. "I think enough trees were mangled in the name of your family..."
Liu Bei chuckled. "You see, even if am the uncle of the Emperor, I would still need proof to legitimize my claim to the throne."
Soi chuckled. "And you're asking me to help? Liu Bei, have you forgotten that my loyalty lies with Wu? I could back stab you, you know"
"Even if you say that Lady Soi," Liu Bei replied, leafing through the papers "fact remains that I would not believe that you would do something like that"
"Trusting too much could get you killed one day..."
"But would it be better if I ceased trusting people? The reason Shu stands today, is because I trust the people around me. My brothers, my officers, the people...I believe in everyone's strength"
Soi looked at the Shu ruler and smiled. "Liu Bei...sometimes you may find yourself thinking that killing someone for the sake of vengeance might be righteous...but remember that it never brought any good. Killing someone...will not make someone come back to life. It will just make you a murderer."
Liu Bei, unsure of what she said asked. "Are you...feeling alright my lady?"
Soi laughed. "Y-yeah. Sorry, it might seem I'm crazy but...Don't ever forget...Alright?"
Liu Bei, unsure of what to answer, smiled politely and nodded his head.
"You know," Soi playfully ran her fingers through the scrolls. "Speaking of Family trees, my mother used to tell me a certain story when she was drunk"
"And what story is that?" Liu Bei asked, flipping through the pages.
"She said her grandfather's grandfather used to tell it to her grandfather. That we were 'supposed' to be of royal blood or something like that"
"How is that so?" Liu Bei stopped and looked at Soi, interested.
"He used to say that it was never written in history books, but was passed down the family from word of mouth alone. There are documents, but most are written by relatives. Mom's grandfather was the first born of the first born, so is mother. So her great grandfather was often told that he was a direct descendant of Liu Ruyi. Unfortunately, all I got out of Ruyi when I searched the net was that he was the favored son of the first Emperor of Han, yet not the legitimate heir…"
"Ruyi...you mean...RUYI?"
Soi jumped at the tone of voice the usually calm sovereign used. "Liu Bei—"
"Where did your family originate?"
"Huh? What kind of a question is that?" Soi looked at him disbelievingly.
"I meant" Liu Bei took a deep breath as he tried to calm his raging emotions "which province did you originate from?"
"Well" she racked her brain for as second and snapped her fingers. "Ah! In Handan. Hebei" Soi supplied further as Liu Bei stared at her cluelessly.
Within moments, Liu Bei had spread a map of China and Soi dutifully pointed the province where her family originated. Dumbfounded, Liu Bei sat back and stared at her, his eyes shining.
"Uh…Are you alright, Liu Bei?"
Liu Bei continued to stare at her. "You are the descendant of the favored son of Emperor Gaozu, Liu Ruyi."
Soi tilted her head and gently prodded him. "Liu Bei? My mother was drunk…She might've made it all up. And my ancestors may have exaggerated a bit. We have no way of knowing for sure. I don't believe it myself"
The sovereign shook his head stubbornly. "Can't you see? This might change everything! We have to perform a regression."
"A regression? You mean retrieve the memory of my past life?"
"There are many forms of regression" Liu Bei stood up and strode out of the room hurriedly, leaving the mess of papers and wood with Soi right at his heels. "There's a lineage regression, where we can trace your family line. It's supposed to be very delicate and not many could perform it properly—"
"It's also impossible. Liu Bei, look at me" she cut him off and held his shoulders. "It's impossible to trace my lineage without proper documents and ample research and there's no way an old er—person could tell me who's who in my family tree by simply lighting candles! And—" My parent's aren't even born yet, she thought wryly.
"Lady Soi, you listen to me" Liu Bei ordered with such gravity that Soi couldn't help but keep her mouth closed. "If we are able to confirm that you're of Ruyi's lineage, this will change the battle for the throne. Lady Soi, you are from the heavens, and that's enough for you to hold a position in the people's eyes equal to the emperor's. However, if we do confirm your lineage, then there is no doubt that the heavens sent you for this purpose: you yourself could vie for the position of emperor."
Soi tossed and turned amidst the silken sheets in her room as her mp3 player hung on her chest and the earphones plugged in her ears. Emperor? She never even dared dream! Placing the hope of the people's future on her shoulders was burden enough, but to actually rule and take care of them…
She felt her stomach heave on the possibility. No way! I don't want to be emperor! I have no plans to be one!
"Why not?"
Soi sat up and felt a scream rip from her throat. Kayriel!
She felt her voice leave her as Kayriel sneered. "Shh…You'll wake the neighbors. I'm disappointed though…Normally, a year in this world would've made you stronger but as I can see, you still scream at the sight of a man in your room. When will you ever get over it?"
Soi felt him release his hold on her voice and as soon as she could, she dripped her comment with all the hate that she could muster. "Get out. I'm not interested in your little bargains or whatever deal you're planning. I already made my choice and I'm sticking to it." Her hand searched for her mp3 player to turn it off.
He merely snickered. "You got guts, I give you that. You do know that I can turn you to dust right here and there, right?"
"But you wouldn't" she pushed further as he raised an eyebrow, "The Blind One won't let you."
He gave a harsh laugh and stood up. "Very clever, pet. But don't get me wrong, his protection is not the only reason why I let you live."
"…Pardon?"
Kayriel stood beside the bowl of fruit and played with the knife. "Earlier today, you did a regression to find out if you really are the descendant of Ruyi. Did you know,' he took a peach and bit into it, "that Ruyi was supposed to be the rightful heir to the throne?"
Soi merely looked at him, wary. He continued "You recall that a mere concubine bore him, Qi was it? Lovely girl. From the start, I manipulated the meetings. I made sure that Liu Bang would marry Lu Zhi, the most likely candidate who would give him the weakest heir. I never did like Liu Ying…he was too good for me. And what a stroke of genius that was! Lu Zhi was a power hungry chick, and ruthless to boot. You do know that she poisoned your ancestor and tortured his mother to death yes?"
Her heart jumped to her throat at the mention of her ancestor. "You mean--"
"Yes my dear" his eyes glittered. "That weakling Liu Bei hit on the jackpot. You are the remaining direct descendant of Ruyi. You and your mother are the only ones alive."
"But…why did you—"
"Kill Ruyi? I wanted a weak emperor and a power hungry, ruthless, cunning mother to control him. It's a sure fire recipe for chaos. Unfortunately, that silver headed fool was able to neutralize my efforts. Curse that emotion you call 'love'. But no matter, I was able to alter Ruyi's destiny and deprive the land centuries of 'peace'."
"You monster!" she shot from her bed and flung her hand to slap him. He caught her and smiled. "Really now, is that any way to treat your father?"
Soi's eyes widened, he defenses crumbling. "W-What…?"
"Didn't you ever wonder why you're so damn beautiful? Why do men fall for you and destroy themselves? Why did your stepfather do that to you? Your beauty, it came from me."
"YOU'RE LYING!"
"Ever wonder why only after months of training, you were able to beat a general that had years? You're already good enough to be ranked as an officer and go in the front lines? Your strength came from me."
Soi felt her eyes blurred and her mind in turmoil. No…
"It's funny…that the strength you're using to defend and 'save' the people came from chaos? You even ruined your mother's second marriage. Pity"
"My father was a mortal man! He's not a depraved psychopath like you!"
"But he did had quarrels with you mother, had a number of illicit affairs behind her back and constantly blame that bitch for tying him to her with his baby."
His voice became one that Soi knew well and missed terribly.
"'If you were more careful, I wouldn't be so miserable!'"
"Dad..?" Soi's voice broke.
"Yes?"
She brought her hands to her head. "No…"
"I stayed with your mother and watched you grow. I made sure I made her miserable so when I disappear she'd take it out on you. And how right I was," he chuckled. "I infused you with my strength so you can easily slay mortals with your bare hands, I gave you beauty so people would fight over you and hate you...for example, that fag of a strategist plotted against you quite beautifully. He turned everything around wonderfully."
Soi froze at his words. "I knew it…I knew Sima was somehow behind it—"
"But it's too late to redeem yourself. It's all over and you know it. What you did…was break their hearts. You always hurt the ones who love you Soi….also the ones you love. Everything you touch would always be laced with pain. Take for example the 'girl guy' and the noisy woman…their marriage almost fell apart because of you. You're sworn brother now hates you and that pink kid can't even stand the mention of your name."
Soi grabbed at the dresser to keep from fainting. Her heart was slowly breaking with every word he spoke. Xunnie…
"I endowed you with some of my inner chaos to taint your supposedly 'pure' soul. And last but certainly not least, I made sure that your mother was miserable enough to find a miserable loser to make your life miserable enough to want to kill yourself." He nodded to the scars on her wrist. "I'm not heartless enough to kill my own daughter. But I was hoping that you would." He sneered. "Too bad some of Liu Bang's qualities surfaced in you. That will of yours is irritating as hell."
Soi slowly lifted her head to him and empathically said, "Get out."
"I was planning to. But let me remind you" he held her chin between his fingers as he leaned to whisper in her ear "One that is born out of chaos can never bring peace. Your hands are made to destroy, not to create. As my daughter, there will be nothing but chaos in every decision you make and every road you take and every family you try to immerse yourself in…And you can never be happy with that cotton candy kid. I made sure of that. Your mission is futile. You are better off alone and dead."
With that, he gave a mocking kiss on her forehead and vanished. After a moment, Soi raced out of the room and ran to the balconies, trying her best to swallow the tears that were threatening to spill.
Chaos…I'm the daughter of Chaos incarnate!
Her bare feet barely made a sound as her robes flew while she ran. That's why…That's why my life is nothing but hell!
She focused her head down as she ran blindly. I was never meant to be happy! Xunnie…
She suddenly collided into a hard body; before she hit the ground, a pair of strong hands gripped her by the shoulders.
"Lady Soi…?"
The sudden impact turned the mp3 player on, the song pouring in her ears:
Kanina pa kita pinagmamasdan
Mukha mo'y di maipinta
Malungkot ka na naman
(I've been looking at you for quite awhile
Your face just seems so blank again
You're sad yet again)
She looked up and saw Zhao Yun's face, full of concern. He saw pain in her eyes, the same pain he saw at the trial.
"Are you alright?"
Kanina pa kitang inaalok
Ng kwentuhang masaya
Para sayo'y bale wala
(I have been trying to offer you
A happy conversation
But it doesn't mean anything to you)
"I'm fine!" she cut him off and stepped away from his embrace. "Go to sleep Zhao Yun, I'm…fine…I want to be alone for awhile"
"Lady Soi…" his voice was laced with gentleness that made Soi want to break down. "If there's something troubling you, I'm willing to listen."
"There's nothing wrong."
Sandali nga
Teka lang
May nakalimutan ka
Di ba't pwede mo kong iyakan
(Just a second
Wait a moment
You forgot that
You can cry on me right?)
Zhao Yun summoned all the disciplinary training that he acquired for years to keep hi from pulling the distraught Soi in his arms. She wasn't fine…but if she'd rather be alone, he was willing to grant her that wish…even if it kills him.
"By your leave then, my lady." He turned and walked away, his hand clenched into a fist.
"…Zhao Yun?"
He stopped in mid stride and fell his heart break at her next words: "I lied. I'm not okay…I…don't want to be alone."
Sige lang
Sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin
(Go ahead
Lean on me
And don't hold anything back
Just cry out everything to heaven
Just cry out everything to me)
He turned and walked back to her, held her shoulders and gently pulled her to him. She clutched at him for support, closing her eyes and savoring the warmth.
"…I…can never be happy…It hurts to know…"
"…Is it a man?"
"…Kind of."
Andito lang ako naghihintay
Lagi mong tatandaan
Di ka naman nag iisa
(I'm just here waiting patiently
You should always remember
That you're not alone)
Zhao Yun held her tightly. "He's a fool for hurting you."
"But I hurt him first…Zhao Yun, he was always there for me. He never left my side and always tried so hard to look out for me. And when he slipped from my grasp, I realized I couldn't make it without him…I was the fool."
"Could it be" he carefully modulated his voice to mask the pain that he felt. "…that you love him?"
Andito lang ako
Makikinig sa'yo
Sa buong magdamag
Sa 'kin di ka bale wala
(I will just be here
Listening to you
All the while 'cause
For me, you're not nothing)
She looked at him, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Is this what that is…? Whenever I think about him, my heart breaks into tiny pieces and my mind refuses to think straight. Everyday, I pray that I can get back to him and make things right between the both of us. I see his smile when I dream, and I see the look he gave me the day of the trial when I sleep…Whenever I see two people who are close, I get robbed of my breath…it's as if I would die if at the thought of him being lost from me forever."
The song broke into the instrumental as Zhao Yun tried to desperately salvage his heart at her confession.
"Lady Soi…."
"Zhao Yun" he voice broke as her shoulders shook while the tears fell from her eyes in waves "…I love him."
Sige lang
Sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin
(Go ahead
Lean on me
And don't hold anything back
Just cry out everything to heaven
Just cry out everything to me)
Zhao Yun pulled her to him as she cried on his chest, as if trying to absorb all the pain she felt.
"I realize that now…Now that it's too late…I love him and and and I won't be able to tell Lu Xun…ever! Zhao Yun, I'm the absolute worse"
"Don't say that…"
Sige lang
Sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin
(Go ahead
Lean on me
And don't hold anything back
Just cry out everything to heaven
Just cry out everything to me)
"It's true!" she wailed helplessly. "I hurt the ones who love me…I always do. It's a curse…I'm cursed."
"No!" Zhao Yun made her look into his eyes. "If you are cursed to hurt the ones you love, then we're ready to get hurt by you…Because it's you. But you are definitely not the absolute worse. If you were, then why do we look up to you? Why do we believe in you? Even Lord Zhuge Liang respects you and he doesn't easily give his respect."
And I wouldn't have fallen for you…
Sige lang
(Go ahead)
He pulled her back in his arms. "I will always be here for you, Soi."
With that admission of loyalty, Soi broke into a new wave of sobs, unable to say anything.
Sige lang
Sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin
(Go ahead
Lean on me
And don't hold anything back
Just cry out everything to heaven
Just cry out everything to me)
"Zhao Yun…Thank you…." She cried, letting her heart open and spill all the hurt and pain that she tried to bury deep within her, letting him in past her defenses. Zhao Yun held her, a support for her and her aching heart.
He looked down at the fragile girl in his arms. Lady Soi…
Sige lang
Sandal ka na
At wag mong pipigilan
Iiyak mo na ang lahat sa langit
Iiyak mo lang ang lahat sa akin
(Go ahead
Lean on me
And don't hold anything back
Just cry out everything to heaven
Just cry out everything to me)
"I would do anything" she whispered brokenly, "anything for a chance to tell him that I love him…"
Zhao Yun said nothing as he held her tight.
If Shu had caught you instead of Wu, would you fall for me? Or would you still fall for Lu Xun? Would you give him a second glance or have eyes only for me? Would you still give me a glance?
Sige lang
Sige lang
(Go ahead
Go ahead)
Soi kept on crying, finding solace in Zhao Yun's arms.
Xiu Soi carefully applied rouge to her lips as she got ready for Guan Yu's homecoming feast. The day after her 'encounter' with Zhao Yun, the monk who oversaw the regression confirmed that Han blood was indeed dormant in Xiu Soi's veins. Also, the gods had a message for her:
"'Lady Xiu Soi'" the priest quoted, "'your father may be whom you least expected it, but that doesn't change anything. You are the Falling Star and you are more than capable to bring peace to this chaotic world. Though you are the fruit, that doesn't mean that you're the same as the tree. You are your own person; let your blossoms bloom brighter than your father.'"
Soi instinctively knew that the message was from the Blind One; though his words consoled her, she was mostly calm now thanks to his new found friend, Zhao Yun. He made sure that she was never alone and always reassured her that she was perfect. A new wave of pain hit her as she placed the rouge down the dresser. Lu Xun…
A knock from the door shook her out from her thoughts. She stood up and opened it, surprised to see Zhao Yun on the other side.
"Zhao—"
He grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hall, towards the balconies.
"What—"
He nodded down the balcony; Soi looked down and froze. Below, Wu's flag fluttered in the breeze, soldiers in red marched toward Fan Castle's gates.
She turned to Zhao Yun, speechless. He answered her unspoken question. "I convinced Lord Liu Bei to invite Wu. We are after all, holding a festival to honor the Guan family's safe return and to welcome you to Fan Castle…Shu and Wu's forces are friendly at the moment. We've specifically asked certain persons to attend including that 'man-child'.Refusing the invitation is an insult to the force and Wu's officers are smart enough not to risk our anger."
"But…Why?"
Zhao Yun turned to her. How could he tell her that seeing her in tears almost made him break his hold over himself countless of times? How could he make her understand that his heart breaks every time he sees her eyes in pain?
He held her shoulders, gently applying pressure on them and looked into her eyes. "You told me once that you would do anything for a chance to tell him what you feel. Now, you have your chance."
"Zhao Yun…I…I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything" he brushed a strand of hair from her face. "I'd give anything to see you happy. If you can't think of anything to say, just tell me that you aren't willing to let this opportunity slip."
Soi looked at him in gratitude and wordlessly embraced him. "Thank you…for everything Zhao Yun. You're the absolute best"
Zhao Yun returned her embraced and closed his eyes in defeat. "And so are you."
"Hey hey" Huang Gai whispered as Sun Ce downed his fifth glass. "You're not planning to get drunk before the feast starts, do you?"
"That's exactly what I'm planning" Sun Ce replied, pouring himself another drink.
"This isn't going to solve anything" Zhou Yu advised.
"Yes it is! It's going to make looking at her bearable. You need some too Yu" he sloshed all over Yu's cup, trying to pour the wine inside.
Lu Xun kept silent as he tried to harden himself from the inevitable encounter with Lady Xiu Soi. He knew without a doubt that she was the one responsible for sending him the invitation. Besides, he was just a strategist in training, not even an officer yet, so why would a sovereign send him a personal invitation?
Zhou Yu surveyed the place, valiantly trying to ignore the almost drunk Sun Ce. "The invitations that were sent were addressed to me, Xiao Qiao, Sun Ce, Da Qiao, Sun Quan and Lu Xun. We are given then a choice to pick four more officers to come with us. I did not permit Xiao to come; knowing her she might cause a scene. Da is still too distraught to attend so that leaves us with Sun Shang Xiang, Ling Tong, Huang Gai and Gan Ning."
"Why are you giving me a roll call?" Ce called out irritably.
"I'm just trying to remind you that we are sorely outnumbered. If you go on a drunken rampage, we are going to get slaughtered in this very hall so behave Ce."
Ling Tong kept his silence. Both sworn brothers were on edge tonight; Zhou Yu isn't normally very irritable but he could understand why. Even young Lu Xun was extra quiet tonight. Shang Xiang was strained and Sun Quan was queasy, yet Huang Gai was calm and Gan Ning was—well, Gan Ning.
The tension in the room abruptly thickened as Soi entered the hall, flanked by the Shu officers. Soi was still composed, yet she was unnaturally pale and her eyes looked nervous. Sun Ce's hand paused on the bottle of wine while Zhou Yu kept his eyes carefully on the sovereign. Lu Xun's gaze fell to the floor, still infuriated with himself for being unable to get over Soi…her very presence could still make his heart race.
She sat down between Guan Yu and Liu Bei. As the hall came to order, Shu's sovereign stood up and called everyone's attention. "We hold this banquet to honor the Guan family's safe return. As friends of Guan Yu and allies of Shu, we all know what a blessing this is. One of the best warriors of the land has finally come home."
Several generals and sovereigns nodded and murmured in assent. Liu Bei grinned as he continued, "And of course, we're gathered here today to welcome the Falling Star and thank her for gracing the humble halls of Fan Castle."
Soi's smile was frozen in place as she stood up, unsure of herself and feeling her stomach lurch. For a moment, she forgot her speech and searched her mind frantically for an ad lib:
"…The pleasure is all mine."
The visiting generals, representatives and sovereigns smiled at her and murmured in assent, some raised their cups in salute to her. She sneaked a glance at the Wu faction and felt her momentary bravery slowly crumble. Ce was staring at his bottle of wine, Zhou Yu was regarding her coolly like she was some stranger; the rest was watching her with detached interest while Lu Xun was looking at everywhere at her. She sat down, feeling her eyes blur when a strong hand placed itself comfortably on her shoulder. She looked up and saw Zhao Yun looking down at her, giving her an encouraging nod. She smiled as she remembered the sacrifices that Zhao Yun made on her behalf. His words gave her new strength:
I'd give anything to see you happy. If you can't think of anything to say, just tell me that you aren't willing to let this opportunity slip
He's right, Soi thought as she took a deep breath. I must grab this chance!
"But of course," Liu Bei continued, seemingly oblivious to the tension in the room. "A festival wouldn't be complete without the Falling Star to celebrate it with us." He turned to Soi with a smile in his face.
"Take it away!" Zhang Fei shouted as he waved his cup in the air while the rest of the Shu officers snickered at him. The rest of the guests joined in the jovial atmosphere, almost dispelling the tension in the hall. Soi took a cup and chugged it down, earning cheers and whistles from the guest. Zhang Fei cheered loudly as she put the cup down.
"That's the Falling Star for ya!"
She gave a grin and started for the raised platform. As she positioned herself in the center, her eyes scanned the crowd, her gaze turning tender as they fell on the Wu faction's table.
"As usual, this is a song from my world…All of us are fighting this war for various reasons. Some fight for glory…some for honor and for peace. Others for riches." She looked at Liu Bei and smiled at him. "Though the reasons may be different, all of us are fighting for one thing: our dreams. Those dreams are our promises to ourselves; our promise for a brighter tomorrow. Those promises are what keeps us strong and…and what pushes us to survive." She turned her eyes to the ground. "Some promises that are made may be painful to bear, but the rewards for self fulfillment are great. I hope" she turned her eyes to Liu Bei "that you may continue to hold on to your dreams, fighting for the people to have a better tomorrow…Fighting for their right to dream and hold promises in their hearts. For giving up on your dreams is the same as dying…There is no greater loss." She turned to her audience, her eyes painfully trained on Sun Ce "In the same respect, I hope that we all continue to fight for our dreams, and never lose sight of what's important. I myself… I will continue to fight for my own dreams, and for the sake of my promise to myself and my loved ones. I will continue to grasp them in my failing hands, no matter how painful"
After a considerable amount of silence, the musicians started playing the intro. Much to their surprise—and delight—the music started to take a delightful, fast beat.
"This song" Soi smiled as the intro played, "Is called promise"
She held placed her hand on her heart and began to sing.
Kagayaku kimi no hitomi ni chikatta
Chiisana mado kara aozora ga mieta gogo
Nigeru koto nante mou shitaku wa nai yo
Senaka ni atatakai te no hira wo kanjiteru
(One afternoon, as the blue sky was visible through the window
I made a promise, looking at your sparkling eyes
that I'll no longer run away from anything.
You put your hand on my back, and I feel the warmth)
Zhang Fei placed each of his arms around his sworn brothers and grinned. Guan Yu kept his eyes closed as he absorbed the song, yet his mouth quirked subtly while Liu Bei gave them an embarrassed smile. Sun Ce continued playing with his wine as he reluctantly remembered the night of their oath on their balconyHis words back then haunted him. I won't let you think that you're alone and all that crap, not as long as I'm alive, you got it?"
Kizutsuku yori mo tsurai no wa
Ashita wo akiramete
Jibun ni usotsuki tsudukeru koto
(Giving up on tomorrow
and continuing to lie to myself
is more painful that grief...)
Lu Xun lifted the cup to his lips and drank as Xing Cai and Guan Ping smiled at each other.
Daiji na yume wo hitotsu
Kokoro ni itsudemo
Shinjite mamotte norikoete yukou
(But there will always be one important
dream inside my heart, that I protect
and believe in, allowing me to surmount anything)
Zhou Yu kept watching, yet felt his façade slowly crumbling as he watched and hear her sing. Zhuge Liang nodded. "Nice choice of words"
Daiji na yume ga aru kara
Motto tsuyoku nareru
Omoi egaita mirai wo dakishimete
Korekara mo
(And because that important dream is there
I can keep becoming stronger
so from now on until forever, I will
embrace the future I imagined)
Zhao Yun smiled tenderly at her. Yes…go and grasp your dream with your hands. You will look wonderful doing so. He looked at Lu Xun who was still drinking. …And never let them go.
Sukoshi dake mae wo aruku kata goshi
Onnaji ho haba de shiroi kumo oikaketeta
Eran da michi ga tadashiika nante
Dare ni mo wakara nai mayou toki mo aru keredo
(Before we take a step, shoulder by shoulder
we chased the wild clouds
Whether or not the road we choose is the right one
nobody can tell us, but we'll know when we stray from it)
Shang Xiang exchanged looks with Gan Ning and Ling Tong. She turned to her brother and took the bottle away. That's enough, Ce…"
"NO!"
"Don't make a scene brother…" Quan pleaded.
Tsumaduku koto wo kowagatte
Matte iru dake ja
Kinou to nani mo kawara nai kara
(If you're afraid of stumbling
don't just sit and wait because then
nothing will be no different from yesterday)
Soi turned to Liu Bei and smiled, lifting her fist in the air.
Daiji na yume wo hitotsu
Futari de itsudemo
Shinjite mamotte aruki tsuduke you
(But there we will always be one important dream
that we can protect and believe in,
we can keep on walking)
She turned to the rest of the guests, who were swaying happily to the tune.
Daiji na yume ga aru kara
Mae dake wo mitsumete
Motto haruka na mirai wo mezashiteku
Korekara mo
(And because that important dream is there
we can look back and then start to aim
towards the far away future
so from now untill forever)
The song broke into an instrumental as she skipped around the tables, hands of different people reaching out to her, reaching out to the hope that she represented. She stopped in front of Lu Xun and held her hand to her heart. Xun gazed at her and felt his throat constrict; the look she gave him was one of longing.
Kizutsukete kizutsukerarete
Kuyashikute naita hi mo
Tsugi no DOA hiraku yuuki wo
Kimi ga kureta yo
(On the days when I'm hurt
and cry because of the pain
I can open up the door
to the future, because you gave me courage)
She gave a step back and gave Sun Ce a tentative smile.
Daiji na yume wo hitotsu
Kokoro ni itsudemo
Shinjite mamotte norikoete yukou
(But there will always be one important
dream inside my heart, that I protect
and believe in, allowing me to surmount anything)
She turned away as she tried to convey her message to the people present.
Daiji na yume ga aru kara
Motto tsuyoku nareru
Omoi egaita mirai wo dakishimete
Korekara mo
(And because that important dream is there
I can keep becoming stronger
so from now on untill forever, I will
embrace the future I imagined)
As the instrumentals steadily played, she ran back to the platform and turned to the Wu faction, her eyes full of pain. The music suddenly slowed, and without missing a beat, Soi sang with all the regret and pain in her heart:
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
Sun Ce looked at her, his eyes betraying the pain he felt inside, beneath his cool demeanor. Soi looked at him in the eyes, unflinching.
I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
She took a deep breath and felt her tears spilling.
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
She looked at them one by one, each gaze saying a silent apology. Shang Xiang bit her lip while Ling Tong rubbed his neck. Gan Ning looked at the side while Huang Gai shifted uneasily.
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
She looked at Zhou Yu, who's face was impassive as ever and then at Lu Xun, clutching the cup in his hand.
Each time I say something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you."
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
She gave a little smile at him; the one reserved just for him.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
As the tears spilled, she held her arms out in silent submission, offering surrender.
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
She took a deep breath as her tears choked her a little, but kept on singing.
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.
She held her hand out, a prayer for them to take it what she was offering.
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
Her voice died as she bit her lip to keep her shoulders from shaking. The hall's occupants gave an polite applause, some of them sniffling at the heartfelt song she gave them. The applause turned into a standing ovation, most of the guest's eyes shimmering. Yet Soi didn't hear them…she held her breath as she looked at the only family she had ever known…and the love of her life.
I gave it my all…she thought as she silently prayed that she was heard
Zhang Fei was choking. "It…It was enough to make a grown man cry."
Zhao Yun looked at her proudly, his own eyes blurred. "You were magnificent…Soi"
Author's notes" sniff…Oh my…what would Wu do next? For those who are interested, the song from the last chapter was Sekai ni Hitostsu Dake no Hana (The world's one and only flower) by SMAP and Sweet Sacrifice by Evanescence. This chapter's song is Sandalan (Pillar) by 6Cyclemind, a Filipino band, Promise by Tia from the anime Yakitate! Japan and Forgive me by Evanescence. Thanks for sticking out and waiting this long! I love you, my reviewers!