The Joker whistled as he climbed over the wall of Arkham Asylum. "Better wave for the security cameras!" he chuckled to himself, raising his hand and smiling. "Hope they're getting my good side! Aw heck, they're all good, aren't they?" he laughed.
He landed on the ground and checked his watch. "In 3…2…1…showtime!" he laughed, spraying a cloud of Joker toxin from the flower in his buttonhole just as a group of security guards came rushing around the corner. "Aw, it's a real gasser, huh, boys?" he chuckled, as he strode past the guards laughing themselves to death. He whistled again as he went around the back of the building and wrenched a grate off the wall, then climbed inside the ventilation shaft.
"When you're smiling, when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you," he sang as he crawled along the tunnel. "When you're laughing, when you're laughing, the sun comes shining through. But when you're crying you bring on the rain, so stop your sighing, be happy again, keep on smiling 'cause when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with…"
He dropped down into what he had thought was Harley's cell. But he must have gotten lost in the labyrinth of vents, because he was surprised to see, not Harley, but Jonathan Crane, with his ankle chained to the wall of the cell and staring at him in astonishment.
"Ah…Johnny…you're not who I'm looking for," he said, about to climb back up into the vents. "See ya!"
Crane suddenly seized him in a suffocating embrace. "Oh, thank God!" he gasped. "Oh, I finally understand how Harley can be happy to see you! I could kiss you right now!"
"O…K…how about you don't do that, Johnny?" said Joker, slowly. "I'm flattered, really, but spoken for, and I don't want the Bat to get jealous if he finds out there's another guy…"
"Batman! Yes!" exclaimed Crane, his eyes suddenly shining in hope. "That's who you need to find! You need to find Batman! He's the only one who can stop this! He has to stop it! For our sakes as well as his!"
"Johnny, this may be a bit of a redundant question to ask a man locked up in the nuthouse, but are you insane?" demanded Joker. "Cause you're certainly babbling like a lunatic!"
Crane sat down, wiping his eyes. "Yes, of course, do forgive me," he murmured. "It's just been a torturous few days…I…I…think it's been days anyway. I lose track, my mind's under a lot of strain, and with no nourishment…"
Joker studied him. He certainly looked a lot thinner than usual, and that was saying something. "Don't take this the wrong way, Johnny, but you look terrible," he said. "Frankly, if you're gonna make a declaration of love to me, I'm offended you didn't take the time to comb your hair…"
"Will you please stop joking and listen to me!" snapped Crane.
"Hey! That ain't no way to talk to someone you said you wanted to kiss!" retorted Joker. He chuckled. "Although I do tend to snap at Harley a lot. Course she loves it, the little minx…"
Crane grabbed him by the collar. "Do you have any idea what's happened to Harley?" he hissed.
"No. What could have happened to her? She's safely locked up in here," retorted Joker.
"Nobody's safe in here anymore!" hissed Crane. "There's some kind of terrible experiment going on, and we're the test subjects!"
"Funny, you don't look like a guinea pig to me, Johnny!" chuckled Joker.
"They've found a cure, Joker," murmured Crane. "A cure for our madness."
"Ok, first of all, don't flatter yourself," retorted Joker. "Our degrees of madness are nowhere near the same. You're just slightly off the rails, and I've completely crashed the train into the neighboring town where there ain't even a railroad track. And anyway, there can't be one cure for all types of insanity…"
Crane reached into his pocket. "There is," he murmured, pulling out the test tube. "It's called Panacea. And that's what it does. It cures all madness."
He buried his face in his hands again. "It…it acts like a lobotamy, attacking the frontal cortex of the brain. It erases imperfections, making the brain of the lunatic exactly the same as the brain of an average human being. But that's the true horror of it. It erases all that makes the lunatic an individual. It forces the lunatic to conform by making them completely without personality, and without any desires except to stay in line and obey. It turns them into robots, docile, emotionless robots, who will happily continue on in life doing whatever the person who has injected them with the drug has told them to do. And…there is no cure. At least, none that I've been able to synthesize locked up in here. The effect is permanent."
Joker took the vial from him, studying it closely. "There was a story on the news about Harvey and Pammie being cured…" he murmured.
Crane nodded. "Yes, that's because of the Panacea. They were the first to be injected. It's a two-step process – they've placed a small amount of it in the food, and once you've eaten that, they give you a second injection with a needle that then begins working on your mind, causing great pain. And then they…suggest things to you. Tell you who you were, and what you will be forever in the future. You can't break out of the pattern after that second injection. I've been starving myself so as not to begin the process – once I've eaten the food, they'll find a way to forcibly inject me with it, and then I'll be lost. I can't let that happen. I can't let my identity be erased like everyone else's…"
"How do you know all this?" asked Joker.
Crane looked at him. "I…I saw it happen. To Harley."
Joker seized him by the collar. "You mean somebody's tried to undo all my hard work and cure the worthless broad?!" he hissed.
"Not tried, Joker," murmured Crane. "Succeeded."
"Where the hell is she?" he demanded.
Crane nodded at the chain on his ankle. "Get me out of this and I'll take you to her."
Joker glared at him and then said, "Just a second, gotta change the setting from gas to acid." He reached for his flower and twisted it 180 degrees, then squirted a jet of acid onto Crane's chain, which sizzled through the metal.
Crane stood up with great difficulty and then said, "Follow me."
They crawled through the vents, gently sloping downward, until they came to room where Crane and Harley had found the Panacea. Crane pushed open the door to reveal Harley chained where they had seen Ivy, with the same vacant, blank expression in her eyes.
Joker approached her slowly. "Harley?" he said.
She looked at him without recognition. "Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel," she murmured at him. "Promising young psychiatrist interning at Arkham Asylum…"
He slapped her hard across the face. "No, you ain't!" he snapped. "You're Harley Quinn! The Joker's Harley Quinn! My dumb blonde slave and annoying little thorn in my side! So just stop talking sense right now before I have to beat some crazy back into you!"
Harley just stared blankly back at him. "Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel," she repeated. "Promising young psychiatrist…"
He hit her again. "Shut up!" he cried. "Stop talking like that, would ya? Mr. J says stop this right now, so just do what Daddy tells you!"
"Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel," she whispered. "Promising…"
"Aw, hell!" snapped Joker. "All my hard work, wasted! Guess I'm just gonna have to break your useless mind again, you stupid woman!" He slapped her again for good measure and then squirted acid onto her chains.
"Right, we need to get outta here and find a cure, Johnny," he said, seizing Harley around the waist. She made no resistance or acknowledgement, just looked around the room with vacant eyes.
Joker dragged her back into the other room when suddenly a voice said, "Hold it right there!"
He looked up to see a group of men standing in the doorway. One of them held up a radio. "Sir, we have Crane and the Joker. Repeat, we have the Joker."
"Ah, excellent. It will be a pleasure to cure the Joker," said a strange voice on the other end of the radio. "Neutralize them."
"Yes, sir," replied the man, holding up a dart gun.
"I wouldn't, buddy," snapped Joker. "Nobody tries to cure me, you got that?"
In response, the man shot the dart. Joker pulled Harley in front of him, using her as a shield. The dart hit her in the neck and she fell unconscious into his arms.
"Mistake, buddy," growled Joker. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a match, which he suddenly lit and tossed at the gas cannisters. They exploded instantly, filling the room with choking smoke. Crane was blinded, but he suddenly heard another explosion and then felt Joker's hand on his arm.
"C'mon!" he shouted, pulling him toward the gap which Joker had blown in the wall with one of his playing cards. Joker had tossed Harley over his shoulder and now ran away from the building into the parking lot, with Crane on his heels. They both jumped into Joker's car, he threw Harley casually into the backseat, and then drove off into the streets of Gotham.
Joker kicked open the door to his hideout carrying Harley in his arms. He was immediately rushed by Bud and Lou, who leapt up on him and began licking Harley enthusiastically. "All right, all right, calm down!" he snapped, carrying her over to the sofa. "Give her some room to breathe!"
The hyenas began sniffing her, and a look of confusion came into their eyes. They started whimpering, looking at Joker in puzzlement. "What?" he demanded. "It's Mommy!"
Harley's eyes fluttered open at that moment and she saw the hyenas. She shrieked in terror, backing away from them and they followed her, whining. "Wild…wild animals…indoors," stammered Harley. "That's…not right! That's crazy! Get them away! No, stay away from me!" she cried, as Bud tried to jump up on her.
The hyenas looked from Joker to Harley, whining in confusion. "Yeah, yeah, I know she ain't quite herself," muttered Joker. Harley noticed him and the terror in her eyes grew.
"Why…why are you dressed as a clown?" she stammered. "That's…not normal."
"Ain't what you would call a normal guy, toots," he chuckled.
"Who are you? What am I doing here?" she asked, terrified. "I haven't done anything wrong – I'm Harleen Frances Quinzel, a promising young psychiatrist interning at Arkham Asylum. Why aren't I there now?"
"Because we busted you outta the nuthouse, toots," retorted Joker. "It ain't where you belong, not being crazy at the moment and all. I'll fix that soon though, baby," he murmured, grinning. "I'll drive you completely bonkers, my sexy little shrink. And trust Daddy, you'll love it."
"You're…you're not my father," she replied, backing away from him in terror. "I…I don't understand what I'm doing here. Who are you people? Why is there food all over the floor? What are these hyenas doing inside?"
Bud and Lou now turned to face Crane, and suddenly began growling. They rushed toward him, but Joker grabbed their collars. "No, he ain't responsible!" he snapped. "We're gonna need him alive if we're gonna find a cure, so just cool it!"
The hyenas obeyed, but still eyed Crane suspiciously. "Bud, Lou, Johnny Crane. Johnny, the babies," said Joker, gesturing at them.
"How…how do you do?" stammered Crane.
They snorted and then went to go lie down in their basket, gazing at Harley sadly. "Ok, Johnny, you stay here with Harley," said Joker, heading for the door. "I'm gonna go somewhere and commit a crime."
"What? What crime? Where?" asked Crane, puzzled.
Joker shrugged. "I dunno. I'll just drive along until something takes my fancy. I just need it to be big enough to attract the attention of a certain flying rodent. I think we're gonna need Bats's Bat-lab to synthesize a cure for this thing. You get on the computer and do some research into this Panacea crap. I wanna know where it comes from and who makes it, and anything else that can help the World's Greatest Detective do his job for him. I'll be back soon, ta ta! Oh, and if you can cook up something for the boys to eat, Johnny, I'd be grateful. They start eating people if they get hungry enough, and I don't really think they like you. See ya!"
Crane managed to make a fairly edible pasta dish with the ingredients in the kitchen, and fed both the hyenas, himself, and Harley, who seemed unable to comprehend her situation and just sat staring blankly at the TV. He had just finished doing some research on the computer when the front door was kicked open and Batman stormed in, dragging Joker behind him in handcuffs.
Harley started up in terror. "Who are you?" she demanded, panicked. "Why is that clown back? He's not normal, and I…I'm not comfortable with things that aren't normal! Why are you dressed as a bat? Are you insane? I…I don't like people who are…insane!"
"I told you, it's no joke, Batsy!" snapped Joker. "She don't know who we are, and it's all because of this drug thing!"
Batman looked at her carefully and then said, "Where is the drug?"
Crane reached into his pocket for the vial and handed it to him. "I trust Joker has explained how it works, and its effect?"
Batman nodded. "What other information do you have for me?" he asked.
"Well, there's very little about it on the internet – I understand it's meant to be a top secret project," said Crane, turning back to the screen. "The only other helpful piece of information I've come across is who's in charge of manufacturing it."
"And who is it?" asked Batman, leaning forward.
Crane turned and showed him the screen. "Bruce Wayne."