Chapter 2

PAIN OF BELONGING

Kara finally had to admit that physical retaliation was not an option. Leoben effortlessly anticipated most attacks and the ones he didn't just led to another download. Other than buying Kara time it didn't stop the repetitive onslaught. Beating him to the remote was the key but she would have to wait until she was a little stronger and have a plan of action once she had the remote. Coming up with an effective strategy was only part of the problem, for her to succeed she would have to show more patience than her Cylon tormentor. He knew he was breaking down her reserves, he knew he was winning.

"I think you're really going to like this one. I worked on the program all night. Remember Kara this stops when you accept your destiny," Leoben said.

Kara's reality changed to the pre-flight briefing room on Galactica. She turned to find Lee Adama staring at her as if she was the prize Sharon had been talking about.

"We don't miss you. I don't even notice you're gone to be honest." Lee stepped down from the podium so they were nose to nose. "You thought we couldn't survive without the almighty Starbuck. Turns out you were mostly a liability, without you, things run to order. Maybe leaving you with the Cylons is the best revenge we can inflict on them. You think I should suggest that to the old man? Convince him to rid us of you, once and for all."

Kara couldn't help the small tear that ran silently down her face. She had held it together through all the other simulations but seeing Lee, her oldest and most trusted friend saying all the things she secretly feared the most was too much for Starbuck. Taking crazy risks to pull off the impossible was at some point going to be one risk to many for Lee. He would eventually get sick of picking up the pieces and Kara couldn't blame him for that.

His eyes were so cold and penetrating but Kara couldn't bring herself to look away until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Kara turned to see Dee and automatically took her outstretched hand. The room immediately went silent, Lee continued to rant but there was no sound to be heard.

"Those closest to us always have the power to hurt us the most." Dee quietly said leading Kara to the chairs. "Lee Adama gives you the respect you have craved your whole life. He is a consistency you didn't expect, he has stayed where others have run. Lee has challenged you in ways others have not dared and he deserves to have that returned. But this is not your Lee Adama." Kara looked again at his cold eyes and this time saw straight through them. Dee was right this was not her Lee.

Dee gently brushed away the final tear and took Kara's other hand. "Kara you need to know there is love on a different level, love that is all consuming, where there is no choice about running or avoiding. A love you won't want to destroy, you'll want to fight for it with every breath. It can be yours."

Kara wanted to believe that was possible, that she could stop sabotaging opportunities for happiness. But the peace was broken and now all she could hear was Lee.

"You can't even save yourself can you Starbuck?" Lee said, addressing her from the podium. "You must like making house with a toaster. Probably the only place you feel normal."

Kara could handle those words from anyone else. She could force the words into a box and close the lid on Sharon and Anders and even the old man but Lee's words would always leak out. He represented everything Leoben wanted her to disavow. If it would make Lee stop Kara wanted to give in but if she gave up the fight there would be nothing to believe in except Leoben's version of the truth.

Dee let go of Kara's hand and began shaking her shoulder. "Wake up and run Kara...Starbuck... Wake up!"

Kara struggled to open her eyes and found herself face down on the floor of the apartment. Leoben was looking around anxiously and the ground seemed to be shaking. There were loud blasts like bombs going off. Kara thought it had to be another simulation. Leoben never lost his repulsive Cylon composure.

Kara heard Dee's voice. "Now! Do it now! The knife." Kara felt the cold blade hidden up her sleeve and without a second thought jumped to her feet and plunged the knife into his stomach. With the other hand she swiftly grasped the remote from Leoben. Fighting her way out of the delusion took everything Kara had, she fell to the floor just out of Leoben's reach.

"Kara we have to go I need you to wake up." The voice sounded so urgent, so human. Kara opened her eyes to see Anders standing over her. Leoben still lay unmoving a few steps away. Anders roughly hauled her to her feet. "We have to get out of here. Now!" Anders said, dragging her up the stairs.

Kara didn't know what the purpose of this delusion was, but even the illusion of escaping was preferable torture to hearing more painful words from her closest friend. She held on tightly to the remote as she unsteadily followed Anders out of her cage and into the chaos of a human rebellion.