Chapter 3
THE PAIN OF REALITY
Kara expected to wake up with Leoben patiently waiting to start the torture again but this was not her usual cage. There was no Leoben and there were people everywhere. It took Kara a few moments to realise she was in the Galactica's Life Station. Spying the remote on a tray next to the cot she quickly hid it back under the standard issue grey blanket.
"She's awake Doctor," Anders said, getting up from his chair and signalling Doc Cottle over. Anders reached for her hand but Kara pulled it away.
"How is she doctor?" Admiral Adama asked coming up behind Anders.
"She has a drug in her system. It's some sort of narcotic, we think. Never seen anything like it before. To be honest we're just guessing here. I've asked Lieutenant Valerii to come down to tell me about this disc," Doc said, pointing to the metal imbedded in Kara's temple.
"I don't want to remove it till I have more information." He drawled lighting a cigarette.
"Captain, can you tell me anything about this disk?" Doctor Cottle addressed his patient for the first time.
"You know what it's for. I don't feel like playing today. Now frak off and leave me the hell alone," Kara said, pulling the blanket up. She refused to answer any further questions and didn't react when Sharon entered the Life Station and poked around the edges of the disc.
Kara assumed the sight of the former Cylon prisoner wondering around in Colonial Fleet uniform was supposed to be disconcerting. But it was more disconcerting that a direct attack from any of the players hadn't come yet. It was hard to plan a counter move when the rules had changed. Sharon led the assembled group into the Doctor's office out of Kara's earshot.
"The disc is a Cylon simulator implant. It was used before the war to train models in different human scenarios so they could infiltrate effectively. It must have been adapted to use on humans. The drug you found is used to increase susceptibility to the simulation." Sharon informed them.
"What like a hallucination or something?" Anders asked scrapping a hand across his face.
"A hallucination that's so powerful it's impossible to tell the difference from the real world," Sharon added, trying not to show her admiration for the adaptation of the implant.
"How do we get it out?" The Admiral asked.
"We need the controller component to deactivate the disc otherwise any attempt to remove it will release a charge into Starbuck's body that will kill her ... Instantly."
"Frak it! The controller would be back on New Caprica. Gods I didn't know, I just wanted to get her out of there. What have I done?" Anders said.
The Admiral placed a consoling hand on Sam's shoulder. "We have her back thanks to you. That's what matters. There has to be another way. Lieutenant I want you to work with the doctor. Build a controller or find a way to disable the disc, do whatever you have to. Just get it done," Adama ordered.
"Yes Sir," Sharon responded. "But I also think given how unresponsive Starbuck was just now we have to consider that she doesn't realise she's actually back on the Galactica. She may think this is just another simulation."
"I'll convince her," Anders said.
"She's stubborn, we will all take it in turns to convince her," Adama said, secretly wondering how you convinced someone of reality, especially someone like Starbuck who was prone to arguing black was white just for the hell of it.
Anders stayed by Kara's bedside for hours trying in vain to tell her she had been rescued and that they weren't playing a game with her. When she finally drifted off to sleep, Sam was relieved. Arguing with Kara was not how he envisaged their reunion.
Lee had been fully briefed by his father about Starbuck's situation. He wanted to be by her side from the moment he heard but with all the civilians to relocate and the reintegration of the Pegasus crew after the ships destruction Lee had been flat out. It was four days after her return before he could get down to Life Station. Anders was asleep in a next-door bed. Kara turned away from him as he neared.
"Not you again. Please," Kara whispered.
"Kara it's me. Gods Kara it's good to have you back," Lee said, fighting the urge to pull her into a hug, he knew it would not be welcome. Lee didn't think he could hate the Cylons any more until that moment. That they would try to break Kara, that it seemed as if they had succeeded, horrified Lee to the core.
Lee was so lost in his own confusing feelings he didn't notice Dee enter the room and stand behind him. She'd come down to offer Lee her support, or at least that's what she told herself. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt compelled to see Starbuck, to see for herself if it was really true. If it could possibly be real that the Cylons had broken the all mighty Starbuck. Dee like everyone else needed to believe in heroes wining against the odds. Saving the fleet countless times had earned Kara the hero title even if they didn't see eye to eye on a personal level.
"Gods Starbuck...Kara... Please you have to believe this is real. It's me. You are on the Galactica." Lee put his hand on her arm to get her to face him but she roughly pulled out of his grip.
"Go away," Kara quietly said.
Dee pushed Lee out of the way and slapped Kara across the face hard enough to leave a read mark. She grabbed Kara's shoulders and pulled her up to a sitting position.
"Starbuck! This is real. You have to snap out of this or the Cylons win."
Kara locked eyes with Dee. She placed her hand on top of Dee's arm to confirm she was solid. But she still said nothing. Dee looked at Lee hoping to transfer Lee's hand to Kara now that they at least had her attention. But Kara squeezed tighter. Anders got up from the bed and stood beside Lee, nobody knew what to do next.
"You called me Starbuck." Kara finally said. Dee didn't know what to say. She looked to Lee and Anders for help but received nothing.
"Oh Gods help me," Kara said, pulling Dee closer so her head rested on Dee's chest.
Dee was shocked to hear those words coming from Starbuck. She didn't think the woman before her was capable of asking for help. But she couldn't ignore the pain in the request or the terror in Starbuck's eyes. It was something she had never seen in Kara Thrace but she knew she wanted to make it better.
Dee no longer looked to Lee and Anders, she wanted to do this herself, she wanted to put the fiery determination back into Kara's eyes. Dee couldn't fathom why it felt so good to be needed by Starbuck. Nor did it make any sense that it felt so warm and safe to be so close to her, like being bathed in sunlight after a long winter.
Doc Cottle and Sharon had to concede they had exhausted all the options. There was no way to get the simulator implant out without risking Starbuck's life. The only good thing was that the implant had stopped producing the drug. The down side was Starbuck was experiencing withdrawal symptoms, which made her an even more frustrating patient than normal. Starbuck had become so objectionable the Doctor decided she needed to be rehabilitated somewhere other than the Life Station.
With Starbuck refusing to be around anyone but Dee the only option was for Lee to temporarily move out of the quarters they shared so that Starbuck could be cared for in privacy.
Anders voiced his objections to the plan, he wanted to be the one to take care of his wife. Lee remained obstinately hopeful that Starbuck could fight it, if he had to give up some comforts for her to get better than that was the least he could do.
Kara heard Sharon or Athena as the crew were calling her, telling the doctor they needed the controller otherwise it would be fatal to remove the disc. But she still guarded the small devise just like she had the knife she plunged into Leoben. There was no way she was giving it up. It was all she had to hang onto. She had to be sure this was the Galactica.
"Time for your meds Starbuck," Dee said, bringing water over to the bed and dutifully dolling out two yellow tablets. Dee noticed Starbuck's hand was shaking even more this morning and the sweating had returned. Automatically dousing the cloth beside the bed in cold water she began to pat her patient's forehead. Kara stared at the tablets.
"Starbuck the doctor said every four hours. Do I have to get him down here?"
"They don't work anymore," Kara said.
"If it's getting worse Starbuck then I need to get the doctor," Dee said, getting up to leave.
Kara grabbed her hand, "Call me Kara." Dee tilted her head like she had been given an instruction she didn't quite understand. "Please." There it was again the look in her eye that Dee couldn't deny.
"Star…Kara…" It sounded so intimate, so unlike the way their relationship had been to date. "I can only do what the Doc told me, if it's not working we have to tell him."
"I can't give in. Leoben wins if I give in."
"Kara we've had this conversation," Dee said, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice. "Leoben is not here. You're on the Galactica. You're safe now. You have to start seeing it the other way around. If you don't start trusting you are home then... Yes Leoben does win." Kara reached up to touch the disc. "We will find a way to get that out Kara I promise."
Kara closed her eyes wanting to believe. She could feel the remote tucked up under her sleeve. It was all she had...That and the look in Dee's eyes. The intensity and fire behind those eyes, it seemed real. Kara popped the tablets in her mouth and swallowed, that would be her concession for now.
"It will take the edge off Dee, no doctors," Kara ordered.
Kara fell back into a restless sleep. Dee was starting to understand why Anders and her own husband put up with Kara's behaviour. When she focused on you and gave you her undivided attention, it was like getting a hit from a drug. Like you were special. Anders and Lee had of course tried to visit but Kara had sent them away immediately. Dee tried to suppress the part of her that felt satisfaction at the expense of their rejection.
It had been three days since Kara moved into Dee quarters, the room had seemed small before but now with a single bed tucked into the corner for Dee you could barely take two steps without bumping into something. The two women had developed a routine. The pain had subsided somewhat and Kara was even eating a little. Sharon and Doc Cottle stopped by several times to do more tests, Sharon even bought in a makeshift controller but there was no effect.
Kara was still barely sleeping and when she did, she usually seemed in distress. Dee had heard her name and Leoben's called out a couple of times. But mostly Kara just mumbled something about not belonging. They didn't talk much. Kara was mostly unresponsive to anything Dee did or said but at least she was compliant with her medication and hadn't objected to Dee reading to her to pass the time.
Dee worried that Kara had shown very little emotion. Kara's lack of control over her emotions were practically Galactica folk lore, her highs, her lows, her temper and her inability to stay still were legendary. Yet she had lain in the bed for days, blank faced and apart from the spasms, mostly rigid. That was until Sharon entered the cramped quarters for one more unsuccessful trail. When the hatch door closed Kara couldn't help the small tear that fell down her cheek. It was a heartbreaking sight to see the defeat in Kara's eyes.
"Would it be so bad to just decide to believe us Kara? You don't need the simulator out to get on with your life. Nothing is stopping you... But you."
"I can't risk losing everything again if I'm wrong. I won't survive it. I know I won't." Kara replied picking up her mug and bringing it to her lips not noticing there was no water left.
"You're losing everything by staying cooped up in here. Can't you see that?"
"Frak it! You just don't get it!" Kara yelled throwing her mug against the wall. A small piece ricocheted off the wall and slashed Dee across the cheek, narrowly missing her left eye.
"Oh Gods! Dee I'm sorry." Kara quickly grabbed a cloth to wipe away the blood. "I'm sorry your life is on hold. I'm sorry I'm such a frak up. I just don't know who I am. What this is... Gods ... I..." Kara didn't' know how to continue. The scratch was superficial and didn't need any more tending but Kara didn't want the contact between them to end and began gently stroking Dee's cheek.
"You are not a frak up Kara. You are the only one with enough courage to keep us all alive. The only one with enough passion to keep us all fighting. You're Starbuck. I know who you are even if you don't. You belong here."
Kara hadn't heard anything accept 'you belong here.' All she could do was focus on Dee's lips, they looked so inviting. Kara couldn't fight the desire to devour. She hungrily enveloped Dee in a lingering kiss. Kara finally felt the fog start to clear, she almost felt alive.
Realising Dee was matching her fervour she felt the electricity building between them. Kara took that as encouragement to immediately begin tugging at Dee's clothes. Dee breathlessly broke off the kiss to take hold of Kara's hands.
"There is something I want to do first, something you need more." Dee stood and led Kara over to the bed and slowly took off both their tanks.
Kara was confused, wasn't this exactly what they had been doing over there only with a lot more haste. Dee pulled Kara onto the bed and curled up behind her with her hand draped over her abdomen. "You need sleep Kara." Dee whispered in her ear. "I'm here. You're safe."
Kara felt anything but tired with Dee's silken skin so tantalisingly close. All she wanted to do was kiss every inch of Dee's body and so much more. She could feel Dee's slow calming breath on the back of her neck. There was such purity to the moment that Kara almost wanted to cry again. It was like all her frustration and all her pain was being dissolved. Despite herself, she closed her eyes, gave in, and was asleep within minutes.
"Gods help me. You belong with me Kara Thrace." Dee whispered before she too fell into her first restful sleep since Kara's return. Waking up to see Dee back in the tiny bed in the corner Kara assumed she knew why Dee had left the comfort of the bed.
She regretted last night. Of course she did. Kara reasoned. Everyone always regrets getting close to Captain Thrace.
As quietly as she could Kara put on some sweats and left. She had nowhere to go but she needed out of the room. Even though everything that had happened was nothing like any of the other simulations, Kara couldn't shake the feeling that Leoben was going to appear around every corner. It had been difficult to keep the remote hidden in such tight quarters. She fingered it in her pocket as she tried to ignore the concerned looks from the passing crewmembers.
Every cell in her body longed to just give in and believe she was really back on the Galactica. She missed being whole, she missed flying, she missed Lee and Anders. As if her feeling towards those men hadn't been confused enough before Leoben's games now it was an impossible situation. She had nothing to give either of them. She was just a shell, completely hollow on the inside and slowly crumbling on the outside.
Dee woke up and felt a sense of dread when she saw the empty bed. Waking up a few hours ago she had gone to her own bed to quietly read for awhile so Kara could sleep peacefully. She must have fallen back asleep. Lee was the first person Dee thought to call. He had enough experience with Kara's rotating moods and chaotic behaviour to know where she might go. Lee directed her down to the hangar deck.
Dee spotted Kara stroking her hand along the frame of her Viper. The deck crew and pilots were wisely giving her a wide birth. Dee kicked herself for not realising sooner, for Kara to feel real and whole again, she needed to be flying.
"We're going to get you back out there Kara."
"I think I have to," Kara replied.
"Good, let's get you cleared by the Doc and see what we can do." Kara couldn't look at Dee, she was afraid to see the regret in her eyes. Dee turned Kara away from her Viper and gently raised her chin so Kara had to look at her.
"Hey, I thought we were getting somewhere. I thought you were starting to trust me." Kara desperately wanted to tell Dee how close she was to letting her in but she couldn't afford to show any weakness. So she expertly dodged the question.
"Life Station it is, then back here, right?"
"If that's what you want," Dee said.
Kara's medical check up went better then she expected. The Doc saw no reason to keep her from going out. His only condition was that she fly a Raptor, her body wouldn't hold up to the G forces of the Viper. For once Kara wasn't going to fight it. Dee hurriedly consulted with the Admiral to find a suitable objective for Kara, it wasn't enough to just be flying, she needed purpose.
The Admiral was only too happy to help and informed Lee of the change of plans for the next mission. Dee returned to the Life Station with Kara's flight suit in hand. Kara could normally change into the suit in less than thirty seconds but today she wanted to savour the smell, the feel, what it represented. She kept telling herself Leoben could not create all this. It had to be real. But her fears won out and she placed the remote safely in her pocket and followed Dee back to the hangar bay.
Lee and Helo were waiting at the bottom of the ramp to a Raptor. Lee gave Dee an enthusiastic hug. It didn't go unnoticed by Kara or Lee that Dee quickly pulled away from the embrace.
"Hey stranger," Helo said, resisting the urge to hug his old friend.
"Hey," Starbuck replied without meeting his eyes.
"It's good to see you," Lee said. Seeing Kara's agitation Lee launched straight into the mission parameters. It was just a standard recon mission to a planet to check for water. Lee wanted desperately to be the one to go with Starbuck to make sure she was okay but Doc had made it clear it had to be just Dee.
"Sorry your first time out isn't a Viper but I...We need you out there so this is where we start." Lee said as he reached out to Starbuck and for the first time since her rescue, she didn't pull back. "It's really good to have you back. We're going to beat this thing Starbuck," Lee said earnestly.
Kara nodded. She had too many swirling emotions to do more than that. She followed Dee into the cockpit and hoped nobody noticed how much her hands were shaking. Game or not she was getting to fly.
Dee remained quiet for the thirty minute journey to the planet, she wanted to give Kara a chance to take it all in and hopefully not deny the evidence in front of her. Kara was glad for the silence she wanted to be free of all the voices in her head just for now. To let go of everything else but the stars and the control over her destination.
Unfortunately, the control didn't last and Kara found herself fighting to gain altitude after the Raptor was sucked into a strange but powerful eddy. The funnel had appeared out of nowhere and tossed the Raptor around like it was a toy. Kara managed to gain enough control to stop them from being pulverised into a mountain range but it was going to be close.
"Hold On!" Kara yelled without a trace of fear. This was what she was born to do, nothing else existed. With every ounce of strength she guided the Raptor to a clearing and hoped for the best.
Kara knew she was going to be covered in new bruises from the restraints but she was alive. Kara turned to see Dee slumped in her seat, her head resting on the control panel. She was unconscious.
"Hey, I can't have my nurse maid quitting on me. Come on Dee show me those beautiful eyes of yours," Kara said, taking off Dee's helmet and softly patting her cheek. "Come on don't quit on me now." Dee slowly started to open her eyes. "How do you feel any pain, dizziness?"
"Um...no...I think I'm okay just a little dazed." The cut on Dee's cheek had reopened and was starting to bleed. Kara retrieved the med kit and tended to the wound. "Starbuck saves the day again," Dee said, trying to erase the worried look on Starbuck's face.
"You mean Starbuck nearly gets everyone killed again."
"Oh please." Dee wasn't buying into the pity party. "You know dam well if anyone else was flying we would have smashed into the mountain. You can't have it both ways, you can't claim to be better than everyone else and then act like you're not worth anything."
Kara raked her fingers through her hair and took a deep breath. "Why did you leave the bed this morning?"
"Didn't pick you for the let's talk about it type," Dee teased. That was not the kind of question you were usually asked after a near miss crash on an unknown planet. But maybe it was normal for Kara, Dee mused.
"Normally, no. Talking is not my strength. I would much rather hit or frak just ask Lee." At the mention of Lee the atmosphere changed, the silence seemed far more acute. "Do you love him?" Kara asked.
"Do you?" Dee responded. Normally this was where Kara would end a conversation or make a flippant remark. But this seemed too important to go unanswered.
"I love him in a way I will never love anyone else. He's a part of me, sometimes the good part, sometimes he brings out the worst in me but I am not in love with him."
"And Anders?" Dee whispered.
"Anders is my fallback position. I needed someone who doesn't judge and doesn't challenge. He deserves better I know." The admission felt better than she imagined, it made things clearer. Lee was her family, Anders was her shield against having to expose herself to something real. "You haven't answered either of my questions."
"I didn't leave you this morning Kara. I just didn't want to wake you. I moved back to the other bed so I could read."
"Next time I would rather you wake me up, otherwise I tend to jump to stupid conclusions," Kara said, relieved she had been wrong. "And Lee?"
Dee took a deep breath, "I guess Lee is my fall back. I love the idea of Lee. He is everything I should want and everything that should make me happy. He deserves the truth too."
"And that is?" Kara promoted unconsciously digging her fingernails into her palms.
"He deserves to be set free because I have never felt more alive than I have in the last few days. I can't go back to anything less."
Kara slumped at little trying to fight the dizziness. "It's real, it's all real," Kara mumbled. The realisation hit like a wave. She was free.
"Kara are you okay? Hey, stay with me."
"It's real." Kara repeated pulling Dee into a kiss. As soon as their lips met Kara wanted every sensation to occur a FTL speed. Dee had a different idea, she took Kara's face in her hands and tenderly dictated the rhythm. Kara didn't know a kiss could be so passionate yet so gentle. Dee's soft caress was so entrancing Kara wasn't even aware she had relinquished control. Dee trailed her fingertips down Kara's arm and was about to use her other hand to unzip Kara's flight suit when the object of her desire pulled away.
"This time there is something I want to do first," Kara said, reaching into the secure pocket in her flight suit. She held out the remote to Dee.
"Kara?" Dee questioned.
"It's the controller Dee. I need you to take it. I trust you with it more than me," Kara said, trying to steady the trembling in her hands as she placed the remote in Dee's palm. Dee didn't know what to say, she couldn't believe Kara had it the whole time, the one thing that could have healed her. "I had to be sure Dee. It was the only thing I had to hold onto. I know it doesn't make sense but I thought as long as I had that then Leoben couldn't hurt me anymore."
It did make sense to Dee in a twisted sort of way. It was also clear that Kara had just entrusted her with the most precious thing she had to give. Dee wanted to crush the tiny controller, pulverise it into dust. She felt contaminated by the Cylons just holding their abhorrent invention. But she showed none of that to Kara, she closed her fist and put her other hand on Kara's cheek.
"I won't betray your trust Kara...Ever. I'll make sure he never hurts you again." Kara wasn't sure she could believe that Dee could hold all the malevolence in the universe at bay, but it felt good to hear the conviction in her voice anyway. "But first we have to fix the Raptor and get this to the Doc."
"Yes Sir," Kara said, giving Dee a mock salute.
Luckily there was minimal damage to the Raptor, the undercarriage and landing struts had taken most of the impact so landing back on the Galactica was going to be a little tricky. There were a few cracks on the outside hull that Kara prayed to the Gods would hold. She had done the best patch up job she could do for now. The sky seemed clear but the last eddy had appeared out of nowhere so there were no guarantees. Both women thought leaving was preferable to waiting to be rescued and risking another Raptor crashing.
Kara was just about to leave the planet's atmosphere when she heard someone whisper her name. "Was that you Dee?" Kara asked fearing she already knew the answer.
"I didn't say anything," Dee replied.
Kara...Come back to me Kara...I'm here waiting for you. You're so close. Just turn the Raptor around...You know you can't fight it anymore.
"Frak! No... No... No... Leoben no!" Kara screamed clutching her helmet.