Santana is running; something or someone is chasing her. She can't make out who or what it is but she knows that if it catches her, something very bad is going to happen.
"Santana!" A voice screams out behind her. When she turns, she sees the face of her Abuela looking at her, terrified.
It's too late though. The ground beneath her feet has disappeared. She tries to scream but nothing comes out. She just falls, falls, falls…
Into silence.
[\\]
Santana wakes up in a cold sweat. She looks around still recovering from her nightmare. As she takes in her surroundings, she calms down and falls back into her bed, which causes her to pause.
I don't remember getting into bed.
She looks around for signs of the blonde girl from last night but as far as she can tell, she's gone. She breathes a little sigh of relief, thankful to have some alone time right now. As she glances at the alarm clock to check the time, she notices a piece of paper sitting on her nightstand. Cautiously she picks it up, not sure whether or not she wants to know what the note contains. She gives it a once over, noting the neat, cursive penmanship.
Quinn would be the only early twenty something alive to still use cursive.
After hesitantly toying with it a bit, she allows herself to read it.
Santana,
Don't be mad.
She sighs. Well this sounds promising.
I called Brittany because I was worried about you. Don't worry; I didn't go through your texts or any creepy shit like that. Anyway, she told me you have Sundays off so we're both going to check up on you throughout the day to make sure you're okay. Brittany is going to come in the morning/afternoon and I'll be back in the evening. I know this is the part where you would usually shut me out for a week and tell me to mind my own business but we don't really have time for that (which I'll explain later) so I was hoping we could skip to the part where you decide that I'm an okay person that's worth letting in your life. Even though we've only known each other a short while, I do care about you. -Q
As if on cue, she hears a knock on the front door of her apartment. She lets out a loud groan. The knocking becomes more persistent so she finally drags herself out bed and stomps unhappily to the front door.
"Brittany, why?" She whines.
"Just open the door, you big baby." Santana opens the door to find her best friend standing there, carrying two bags of groceries.
"What's all that?"
"I'm going to make you breakfast… And I also brought lots of chocolate." She waves her best friend inside.
"I'm okay, you, guys. Seriously. I can't believe Quinn called you."
Brittany shrugs. "I thought it was sweet."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. But I seriously overreacted last night. I feel much better now, really. We weren't even that close."
"San, you and I both know that it isn't about whether or not you two were close."
"Are you really going all Dr. Phil on me right now?"
"Look, if you would stop being such a stubborn buttface all the time, it would make things so much easier. I know your Abuela disowned you after you came out and I know how much that hurt you. Even though you might have accepted it, a part of you always wished there would be a way for you to reconcile. I get that. And now it's kind of final, things never got fixed. It's ok to admit that it sucks."
"Yeah, well. She didn't really love me."
"She did, San."
The brunette sighs ruefully. "Maybe she did… Just not enough… Besides, it might be better this way… It's easier to let go of what you never had, right?"
Brittany shakes her head. "You worry me so much sometimes. I know you might be upset or whatever with Quinn but please give her a chance. You're not the easiest person to be friends with."
Santana scowls.
"See."
"Anyway, I'm not mad or upset with her. But I don't know if I want to face her again after last night. It's kind of humiliating. We were about to, you know, and then I go and have a mental breakdown on her. Least. Sexy. Thing. Ever."
Brittany's eyes widen. "Ohmygod, you like her."
"No."
"Yes. You care what she thinks about you and you never care what people think about you."
"That doesn't mean I like her. And she's leaving soon so I can't. Pretty sure that's what she wanted to talk to me about tonight anyway. She came to NY looking for a good lay and then I go and fuck it up... Damn. I've probably ruined New York for her."
"Aaaand she's back."
Santana grins. "So what's for breakfast?"
[\\]
It isn't until 6:00 that Quinn arrives at Santana's apartment. When the girl opens the door, Quinn notices the dark circles still evident under her eyes.
"I'm guessing you didn't get much sleep?"
Santana shakes her head. She shifts herself every so often, still feeling a bit unnerved. "I don't remember how I got into my bed?"
"Well, we fell asleep in the bathroom but then you had a nightmare and I made you get into your bed before you fell asleep again… Then I left since I figured you'd probably want to be alone for a little while."
"I appreciate it actually… And sorry about last night… I'm kind of embarrassed…"
"You definitely shouldn't apologize. Shit happens. If anything, I should apologize to you for practically throwing myself at you… Just, I decided that I wanted to kiss you before I left New York and then hearing you sing was a major turn on for me—"
"You don't have to apologize for that. I was enjoying it."
Quinn smiles. "Me too. You're a good kisser… Uh, you're going to invite me in, right?"
Santana smiles back, beginning to feel more comfortable. "Sure, come in."
The green-eyed girl walks into the apartment, setting the Chinese food on the kitchen counter.
"Where are the plates?"
"Farthest cabinet on the left."
The darker girl watches her as she makes her away around the kitchen.
"So I hope you don't mind but I brought over some Meg Ryan rom coms, you can choose which one we watch… I totally love them, is that lame?" She turns around to face the brunette.
Santana is about to burst out laughing but something about the girl's sincere expression makes her hold back, almost choking on it as she responds, "Nooo," in a voice that gives her away.
Quinn glares slightly. "They're not as bad as you think. They're romantic and funny, you might even enjoy them."
"Don't count on it," she mutters to herself. "I thought we were supposed to be making me feel better."
"Me being here doesn't make you feel better?" The blonde girl watches as Santana blushes a little before smiling at her and responding, "That's what I thought. So which one will it be?"
"Uhhh… That one." She picks one up and sticks in the DVD player in the living room. Quinn follows behind her with the Chinese food as they make their way to the sofa. They fill the next few minutes concentrating on the food and the movie before the blonde girl shifts in her seat and faces Santana.
"Look, I'm sorry for kind of brushing you off earlier last night when you asked me about why I was here in New York."
When she senses she has the darker girl's attention, she continues. "The truth is, I'll be leaving on Tuesday morning. I was only spending time in New York to get away from my mother and since I'm going abroad, I would've had to catch a flight to NY anyway. I'll be going to Thailand for a couple months to help teach English to children in Amphawa."
A billion questions flood Santana's head. The thought of Quinn leaving upsets her more than she wants to let on though, so she decides to ask the least painful one that comes to mind, "Why did you want to get away from your mom?"
The blonde girl sighs sadly. "Ever since my parents got divorced, she's been going crazy trying to control every aspect of my life and I just couldn't do it anymore. Besides, after I told her I liked girls, she could never look at me the same way... It's like even though I know she loves me, I can't be around someone who always makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know in her mindset, I'm going to hell for being the way I am but I don't see it like that. All love is good. Even hers. I just resent her for not being okay with who I am... It's not something I can change."
Santana is somewhat shocked by her confession, "Gee, you sound healthy… I kind of know what you mean though…"
"Well, I've had a lot of time to think about it. If someone can't be okay with who you are, they don't deserve to be in your life."
The brunette nods sadly. "That's how it was with my Abuela…"
Quinn reaches out and gives her arm a gentle squeeze. "Will you go back for the funeral?"
"Q, Brittany found out about it before I did. That's how not okay I am with my family. I don't think she'd want me there anyway."
"Still, it'd be nice to say goodbye."
"I think that's what I did last night."
The green-eyed girl pauses the movie before getting up and grabbing Santana by the hand. "Come with me." She drags her down the stairs to the bottom floor of the apartment complex. The darker girl looks outside and flinches noticeably.
"It's raining!" Santana screams at her. "Are you crazy?"
Quinn shrugs and runs outside into the pouring rain, waving for the other girl to follow.
"Well, fuck," she mutters to herself before she walks out to join the blonde girl on the sidewalk. "Now what?"
"Listen, San, you're never going to be okay if you keep things bottled up inside of you. What happened to you last night will keep happening unless you let some of it out."
"What am I supposed to do?"
"Just say how you feel."
"I'll look like a crazy person."
"Fine, then say it to me. Pretend I'm your Abuela."
Santana shakes her head and sighs. "It's not that easy, Q."
"Just try it."
After letting out another sigh, she finally speaks, "I'm sorry… For disappointing you… But I'm not sorry for who I am…" Her voice starts to break as she feels tears forming in her eyes. "I don't want to hate myself anymore, Abuela… I didn't do anything wrong… I did, I do love you… And I'm sorry… But…" The tears fall from her cheeks and now she's grateful for the rain as it helps her hide her sorrow. "But…"
Quinn takes the girl in her arms and holds her again, both of them getting soaked from the rain. As Santana continues her thought, her voice is small and tiny, "Why couldn't you love me enough... to be okay with who I am?" The words disappear in the cold air as she says them. She chokes back her sobs and tries to regain her composure. She pulls away from Quinn so the girl doesn't feel her body trembling, wrought with emotion.
"Do you feel better?"
The darker girl nods and they stand like this for a few moments more before she's okay to speak again. "I'm sorry. For not texting you before. I feel like we've lost time because of me. I just get scared—"
"It's okay, San. I'm sorry too. I thought I would be sadder that the carefree, easy part of our relationship was over but maybe it's better this way... And anyway, I think it was a bit naïve of me to think we could have sex without it meaning anything."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, we get each other, San. I wouldn't want to throw that away for one night of incredible sex." The way she says it makes Santana smile. "We can be friends... Friends last longer, you know?"
Santana nods, not knowing why the thought both hurts and calms her. "I think I'd like that… I don't really have anyone I can talk to other than Brittany."
The girls head back up the stairs to Santana's apartment. They dry themselves off and finish watching When Harry Met Sally. Santana tries not to be too turned on when Quinn reenacts the fake orgasm scene, which isn't as hard as she thought since she nearly pees herself with laughter. They go on like this until they both fall asleep on the couch.
[\\]
The day Quinn leaves New York; the weather is bright and sunny. Santana and Jeremy walk her as far as they can go before they have to part ways. They all take a moment before beginning their goodbyes.
"Have fun, cuz," Jeremy says as he picks the blonde girl up in his arms.
"I will, Jer. I'll see you soon," she says as she holds onto him. "Behave yourself while I'm gone, alright."
He grins as he sets her down. "I make no promises."
She laughs and turns toward Santana. Jeremy pretends to be interested in the gift shop off to the side as the blonde approaches the brown-eyed girl.
"So… Thailand." Santana says, not really knowing what people say in these circumstances.
Quinn nods, "Yeah, I think it'll be good for me to get away for a little bit. Sides, it's the last requirement for me to graduate. Then I'll have to be a part of the real world, like you," she teases.
"It's not all it's cracked up to be, but I'm glad you know what you want to do with your life."
She smiles, "I like helping people. And don't worry; I won't forget about you. We'll still talk all the time. We can be pen pals… I've always wanted a pen pal. And there's always Skype."
Santana nods. "You're right. It won't be so bad."
"And then I'll be back in NY after the two months are up until I get things figured out."
"Q, we went over all of this yesterday, you don't have to do it again just for my sake."
The blonde frowns a little bit. "Sooo, you definitely weren't exaggerating when you said you suck at this part."
"I'm sorry! I don't take girls to airports."
"What about friends?"
"Brittany doesn't…"
Leave me.
"…Travel." She quietly chastises herself because she knows she's being selfish.
Dammit, Santana. You're totally blowing this.
Quinn nods. "Ok, well thanks for coming out at least... It was nice of you to say goodbye… I'll see you soon." She gently squeezes the other girl's arm as she gives a final wave to Jeremy and heads toward the security lines.
Watching Quinn leave sends a slight sense of panic through Santana as feels like she's fucked up her goodbye. She watches as the line gets shorter and shorter, the blonde girl getting closer and closer to leaving her. The panic building. "Quinn!" She shouts. The blonde girl turns to her with a confused expression. One of the security guards is ushering her along but she holds up her palm giving Santana a chance to finish. "The day we met on the subway!" Everyone has turned to look at her now. "I thought it was just going to be like any other day!" A slight hint of color reaches her cheeks. Quinn stands out of line straining to hear her words as the flurry of anxious people behind her urge her to keep moving. "But it wasn't! It was special… Cause I met you!" As she finishes her thought, the guard stands in front of Quinn, having a chat with her. Santana feels the panic rising once again, not able to gauge the girl's expression. When he finally removes himself, Quinn is back in line. A huge smile plastered on her lips. Santana smiles knowingly to herself. That smile, it's...
Because of me.