It wasn't that long ago that I was happy. Sometimes, though, it feels as though I was never happy. My world has been crumbling for quite some time now and frankly, it wasn't going to get better. The whole world was pressing on my chest and eventually, I fell under the pressure.
The funny thing about all of this is you all thought I was okay. Not once did any of you second guess my emotions. Don't worry, though, I don't blame you. Everyone has problems that cause them to not think about other people they are close to.
IF you are reading this, know that I love you. I love you all so much and that's part of why I couldn't stay. I couldn't let myself hurt you any longer. I was just a time bomb. It would have been a matter of time before you were all hurt in the process. I wanted, no, I needed you all to be okay.
I couldn't be saved. I was too far gone too fast to be saved. You all did everything you could. I just couldn't handle the weight of the world anymore. Depression is like a pool of tar. It's like one night, you are walking through the world, enjoying everything you see, the life, the sound, and the colors, before you step a single foot into the tar. At first you try to fight. You struggle so much before you realize how deep you are. By that point, you try to scream, but your lungs can't expand in the tar. That's where it leaves you, forced to watch the world continue to grow and change and be happy around you. That's what depression does. It traps you and teases you with the life that you used to have.
Depression makes you see how naïve you actually are. Depression makes you see the bad in the world. It forces you to only see the bad in yourself. I bet you didn't realize how much I hated myself. I loathed every single part of myself. It's ironic how much you have to hate yourself before you finally do something to release the pain. Did you ever wonder why I was always tugging at the bottom of my shorts? Did you ever wonder why I refused to swim? I bet you didn't even realize that I never ate with you. I was so ashamed of myself, but I just couldn't take it anymore.
A part of me wishes that it didn't have to end this way. I wasn't afraid to die, but I didn't want to. I wanted it all to stop. I hated disappointing everyone. I hated the little voice encouraging me, killing me every day. I couldn't escape the demons in my mind. Every corner I turned, they were there.
I guess I'm done rambling about me. I wanted to tell each and everyone what they meant to me.
Aria- I remember everything you did for me. When I found out Toby was A and fell into the mood I did, I remember what you said for me. I remember you reminded me that I was treating you guys like crap. You brought me back to reality. I was trying to figure out why Toby would do that to me that I just did it to you all instead. You told me that you guys were my friends and not my punching bags. You tried your best to get me out of that funk. That's why I don't blame you when you didn't realize that I was just faking my getting better. I didn't want you to hate me or yourself. I didn't want you to end up like me. I couldn't let you; after all, we were Sparia. I want you to know that I love you. Please don't dwell on what happened to me. But please don't forget about me.
Hanna- I remember every time you made me laugh. Sometimes, you didn't even know what you said; you just knew that it was funny to me. You would always come up with a response to everything with your wit. I knew to never be afraid when we were together. You were always the one to give the pep talk. You are a lot stronger than me in more ways than one. When you had to break up with Caleb, you actually stuck to your word. You fought so hard to keep him from knowing about all of this. I couldn't do that. I broke way before you did. You went through so much with A. I love you, Han. Please don't go back to the Hanna you were before. You blossomed since then. Be the Hanna I know you are. Please don't forget about me but don't cry for me.
Emily - I remember that you taught me to go for what I want. You didn't know that, though. You were so brave to not let other people's opinions sway you in what you wanted. I admired you for that. I was constantly being the image my parents wanted me to be. I didn't have the courage to make them change their minds about me. I wanted to tell them; I wanted to show them who I really was. I wanted to tell you, Em. I really did, you were the strongest one of us. You always were. I love you. Please don't let me slip from your mind, but do not think about me every day.
Toby- Don't you dare think I have forgotten about you. I loved you. I still do. I always will, even though I am not there physically. You were my rock. I hated how much I needed you, but I couldn't help it. Every time we were together, my heart fluttered a few times until it was in perfect sync with your heart. When you were near me, I felt safe. Toby, you were my safety net. I held on so long for you. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want you to find out this way, I didn't want anyone to find out how weak I was. I couldn't handle lying to you every day. I hated to see you sad, that's why I couldn't tell you. You had so much going on, I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want you to stop me. The voices telling me how worthless I was wouldn't stop. The demons inside me already killed me way before this. I love you, Toby. If there is a heaven, then I hope I make it to heaven because I already know you will be there. If I'm able, I'll wait for you. I need you to move on. I don't want you to forget about me, but I don't want you to be sad. You, more than anyone else, deserve to be happy. You don't deserve to be brought down by a person like me. Promise me that you will be okay.
They always said that when you die, you will re-live your life. In a way, I hope I do. Then at least I will be able to see the last time I was happy. I'm sorry for ruining your lives. I guess this is a goodbye. I love you so much. I hope you can move past this, if you haven't already.
"Spencer, why did you do this? Why didn't you talk to me? Why couldn't I see? Why didn't I notice?" The same questions have come out of my mouth rapidly every time I stare at her seemingly lifeless body. I didn't bother to wipe the tears from my eyes, what was the point anymore? She didn't have a very good chance of making it.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't see how you felt. I'm sorry I didn't do anything, but you need to do something for me, dammit. You need to make it, do you hear me?" I told her this every day since she overdosed on those pills. That was five days ago and every day I can feel her slipping away more. The doctors shake their heads sympathetically at me when they pass the room, but I couldn't be bothered by the statistics they tried to drill into my head. I didn't want to hear that every day she is in this vegetative state lowers the chances of her surviving. I didn't want to know a world without her.
"Visiting hours are over," The petite nurse popped her head into the room. I nodded before I squeezed her hand slightly and I kissed her gently on her forehead.
Every day that passes gets hard to accept that one day she won't be here at all. It's sad that only in times like these we actually stop in the middle of the day to smell the flowers in the community garden. When we take in all the vibrant colors that paint the world around us. What Spencer did, doesn't make life easier, but it makes life more appreciated. It makes us realize how much we mean to each other. It makes us wish that time had a rewind button.
I wanted to leave the ending kind of open. You never really know what happens to her. A part of you probably wants her to survive but the rational part knows that the chances are slim. That's a world we live in. We are brought up on hard facts and statistics and when a miracle happens we try to find reason. We can't accept not knowing, when in the end, do we ever really know? I did write the ending to this, the way I wanted it. Let me know if you want it privately messaged to you. Let me know what you think happened. And if you are struggling with this, I just want you to know that people care about you. People are there for you, and if you don't believe me, talk to me. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this shot one shot. Thank you for reading (:
Kelsey!