The Chief looked up from his desk as Max staggered into the room, winded, covered in black and blue marks.
But it wasn't the physical wear that he'd obviously taken that concerned him most. It was the presence of tears in the secret agent's eyes.
"86, what happened?" he demanded, trying not to sound sharp in his urgency.
Max sniffed loudly, fighting the tears with everything he had. "Chief, I… I'd like to resign. What happened… it's... it's all my fault!" he choked out, leaving the Chief confused.
"Max, what happened? What's all your fault? And what's this nonsense about resigning?"
Another sniff. "Would you believe she…" He seemed unable to complete his sentence.
"She? 99?" the agent nodded miserably.
"What did 99 do?"
"She… saved my life. And lost her own in the process." He thrust himself against the wall, hiding his face.
The Chief's eyebrows rose.
"What?!"
He could only catch snippets of what Max mumbled into the wall. "99… contact… KAOS agents… concession… malfunctioned… gave me hers… fell unconscious… didn't even try… chickened out…"
The Chief put a hand on Max's shoulder. "86, let's start from the beginning. And would you mind, uh, speaking up?"
The other man lifted his head, reluctantly took a breath and restarted a tad shakily. "99 and I met the contact at the movie theater, two o'clock sharp, gave him the message and the money. It went off without a hitch. We ducked behind an abandoned concession stand. I was going to call you on my shoe phone… but the KAOS agents must have been there first. The popcorn machine started gassing us. Kind of this frothy yellow stuff; sorta reminded me of Aunt Martha's lemon pie… no, on second thought, it was more like Aunt Janice's… wait it might have been Uncle…"
"Smart." The Chief's voice held a heavy warning note.
"Sorry Chief. So we were kind of trapped in this fog of gas and a guy—a KAOS agent, I guess—said, 'This gas will kill thirty seconds after the third inhalation'. So, we got our gas masks; 99's veil and my beige fedora. But… my fedora wasn't working… so 99 gave me her veil. She gave me her gas mask, Chief. Hers! I tried to refuse, but she put it on me herself. I… I couldn't stop her!" His voice had been fairly firm up until this point, but now it became tremulous. His eyes began glistening. "I guess the gas knocked her out; I heard her hit the floor, but the area was pretty full of the gas. It was like smoke. Thick smoke. I couldn't see a thing. I… I… lost her, Chief. I went pawing around, trying to find her, telling her the entire time not to breathe, just in case she was conscious, but I couldn't locate her. That was where I got all thse bruises; I couldn't seem to avoid the counter. And when I brushed against the KAOS agent… I bolted. I just ran; chickened out. Left her to die, alone and afraid." He buried his face in his hands.
"Are you sure it was a KAOS agent you brushed against? Could it have been 99?"
Max looked a bit annoyed. "Chief, does 99 have arms like a gorilla?"
The older man nodded and folded his arms. "It was the KAOS agent."
"But Chief, about my resignation…"
"Max, are you really going to resign from CONTROL just because of one mistake?"
"Chief, this wasn't just one mistake. I mean, it was, but it was worth a million. A million and one, even." His hands muffled his voice.
"Max, look me in the eye and tell me that resigning is what you really want."
The agent lifted his head and looked at his authority figure. "Okay. What I really want to do is… uh, Chief?
"Yes?"
"Is it okay if I look you in both eyes?"
"Go ahead, 86."
"Thank you. Now, resigning is really what I want to do."
The other man sighed. "Well Max, if that's what you really want to do, I suppose I must…"
"Hi Chief, 86." A familiar voice chirped. The two men spun around.
"99!" the Chief exclaimed, hardly believing his eyes.
She smiled. "Why the long face, Max? Aren't you glad to see me?"
The realization hit him all at once.
Is that really her or just some kooky doppelganger?
"99, how did you ever get out of the gas? I thought for sure you were a goner…" he questioned rapidly.
She laughed a little. "CONTROL is getting quite liberal about who it hires, isn't it Chief?"
"What do you mean 99?" he asked.
"Well, a certain Agent G-1 was the one who got me out of the gas before I could inhale three times."
"So?" Max asked, confused.
"He was a gorilla."
The Chief looked at Max.
"Are you sure he wasn't a KAOS gorilla, 99?"
"Of course I'm sure, Chief. Like I told you, he removed me from the gas. And besides, he was eventually able to show me his I.D. It was G-1 alright."
"Thanks 99. Go over to Communications and tell Jeanette to put in a reservation for the next gorillas born at the Cleveland Zoo. If these fellows are so good, we need to start training them as soon as possible."
"Yes sir. You coming, Max?"
"Oh, no, he isn't 99. We have a little something to discuss." the Chief replied quickly.
99 shrugged. "Okay." She was out the door in a flash.
"Now Smart, about that KAOS agent you brushed against…"
"Look, Chief, nobody's perfect."
"I know. Oh boy do I know…" he said in an undertone.
The agent cleared his throat. "I feel like that was directed at someone in this room."
"Affirmative, Smart. Affirmative."
"Now just a minute buster. No one talks to Maxwell Smart that way. No one, you hear?"
"I hear you Max. I hear you."
"Yeah, well, you better."
"Now, Max, about your resignation…" the older man began a little bit too loudly for the agent's comfort.
"Chief, quiet down. We don't want anyone getting too emotional." He heard someone gasp behind him.
He turned around casually. "Now, look… 99, how did you get back here so fast?"
"The Communications Department is only down the hall. And they're all out to lunch. Max, you weren't really thinking of resigning from CONTROL, were you? Who would I work with? Why, I might be stuck with that slimy Agent 78. Or 68, the infamous Caldwell Sharp! Horrors of horrors!" 99 looked at him desperately.
He cleared his throat. "Well of course I wasn't thinking of resigning, 99. The Chief here is just making up stories. Why, I'm one of the most successful people in CONTROL. What kind of nut would give up something like that? C'mon 99. Let's go get some coffee. Leave our Chief to make up stories on his own. Cheaper than taking him to a psychiatrist to discuss his problem." The agent took the brunette's arm and together they left the room.
The Chief leaned against the wall.
"Well, you've got to hand it to him. For a guy who can mistake a gorilla for a man, he sure knows how to cast a bad light on an actual man."
He shook his head and sat down at his desk and rubbed his temples. Yet another headache coming on.
The he smiled. Inspiration had struck.
Yanking his to-do list out of the top drawer, he went to the bottom and under Get Some Sleep he wrote:
Look Up Caldwell Sharp and See If On Mission; If Not, Assign Him and 86 to Project Powder Puff.