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Chapter Fourteen.

Gibbs picked up a sander and threw it at the far wall of the basement. Damn it, he was frustrated as hell and didn't even know why. Or well, he did know why, but wasn't willing to acknowledge it just yet. It had been three months since they had painted Tony's apartment and if Gibbs had hoped that things would get easier after that, he saw himself proven wrong. If anything, the tension had only increased between Tony and himself and he didn't know what to do about it. Not only once had he been about to invite the younger man over for steaks, but he had always refrained, not knowing whether it was too soon or too much. He had no clue where they were standing and it frustrated him to no end. The fact that his mind would show him various scenes from ten years ago in bed with Tony every time he fell asleep didn't help either. Whenever he woke up from one of those, he was hard and leaking, but he refused to give into the pressure. He wouldn't jerk off to thoughts about his junior agent however tempting these thoughts were.

And that was maybe why he was so damned frustrated all the time. Ducky had pulled him aside today at work and bluntly asked what was up with him, but he had just waved it off and told him about their latest case, which had been awful to say the least. Ducky had eyed him suspiciously, but hadn't striven to continue their conversation about Gibbs' foul mood for which the younger man had been eternally grateful. He hadn't lied entirely, though. The case had been hideous and they had needed two weeks to finally catch the killer. Tony had never complained, but his mood, very alike Gibbs', had decreased noticeably over the last couple of days. Gone were the movie references, the silly jokes and, worst of all, his smile. Gibbs couldn't help but realize that he found himself missing the cheerful young man. By now, he was so used to his endless chatter that he couldn't remember a time without it. It wasn't for the first time that he realized that he had been falling even harder for Tony than he had before.

Gibbs let himself lean against the frame of his boat and took another sip from the jar of bourbon. He hated feeling like that when he knew there was nothing to be done about it. Also, he could still feel his heart stop when he thought about the short minute when their killer had pointed his gun at Tony's head in the last attempt to escape. It hadn't taken more than a second for Gibbs to fire at the guy, effectively ending his life without a second thought. He'd do it again if it meant to keep Tony safe. He'd never forget the look on Tony's face right after Gibbs had shot him, surprise, fear and thankfulness replacing his usual cockiness. He had given Gibbs a tentative smile before he became all business again, taking care of the crime scene like nothing had happened. Gibbs, however, had taken a bit longer to snap out of his headspace. He knew that Tony was just faking his casualness and he could see the stiffness of his shoulders but he didn't know what to say to him to make it better, so he had gone along with it. He had been glad that Abby had decided to drag Tony out for a couple of drinks that night, even asking if Gibbs wanted to come, too, but one look at the younger man who was staring at him with darker than usual eyes had made him shake his head. He would have to deal with the rejection and he'd maybe get over it somehow… in the end.

.

A couple of hours later Gibbs was just about to turn off his television when he heard stumbling footsteps outside his front door. He switched on the light again and reached for his gun as the door opened and Tony tripped inside, obviously drunk.

"Hi boss," he drawled, grinning like the Cheshire cat as he leaned against the doorframe.

Gibbs looked at him for a moment as he got up from the couch and approached him. He looked very drunk, his shirt was buttoned the wrong way and his hair was a mess. His eyes were red and he was swaying ever so slightly despite the fact that he was just leaning there. Gibbs took hold of his arm and then carefully guided him to his couch without a word.

"What are you doing here, DiNozzo?" he asked gruffly as he sat down next to him, managing to not sound too exasperated.

"Wanted to see you," Tony slurred, running a hand down his face. "You should have come with us. Abby and me, I mean. It was fun."

"Didn't think you wanted me to," Gibbs replied before he could think about it and Tony turned to look at him.

"I always want you there," he answered softly and barely above a whisper. "Wouldn't have gotten into all the trouble with you there, that's for sure."

"What kind of trouble?" Gibbs asked, suddenly feeling wide awake. "Is Abby okay?"

"Relax," Tony chuckled before he hiccupped. "Abby's fine. Only my trouble. I'm pretty sure Abby knows I'm bi now."

"How come?" Gibbs asked, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach at the prospect of another man with Tony.

"Don't know," Tony hiccupped again. "I think the fact that I went home with her friend Marcus might have tipped her off."

Gibbs remained silent, forcefully trying to relax his hands that had balled into fists. His glance landed on Tony's shirt again and he felt anger and jealousy build up inside of him. Why the hell was he telling him about this?

"Why are you here now, then?" he finally managed to press out, causing Tony's head to jerk up from where it had been resting on the backrest of the couch.

"Huh?"

"How drunk are you?" Gibbs asked rhetorically before he continued. "Why the hell are you here now if you went home with Marcus?"

"Oh!" Tony exclaimed and chuckled once again. "Yeah, couldn't go through with that," he replied calmly, obviously fighting sleep now. "I went as far as, you know, getting almost naked with him when I realized that it wasn't him I wanted."

Gibbs sucked in a breath as the hooded green eyes locked into his own. Tony might have been drunk, but Gibbs could still see that he was being honest at the moment. It didn't make it any easier, though. Gibbs didn't know what to do or what to say in answer to Tony's statement, but apparently, he didn't need to because Tony's head had rolled back again and the first snore escaped his mouth at the very moment.
Sighing softly, Gibbs stood up and fetched a bottle of water and two aspirins for Tony from his kitchen. He placed them on the coffee table in front of the couch and then carefully shook the younger man's shoulder to wake him up. Tony's eyes fluttered open and he smiled as his glance reached Gibbs' face.

"Hi," he said and reached up to put his hand behind Gibbs' head.

He pulled him closer and was just about to kiss him when Gibbs' mind finally kicked into thinking mode again and he pushed Tony back down onto the couch. As much as he wanted to kiss him senseless, he knew that remorse would made itself perceivable as soon as he'd do it because Tony was obviously too drunk to think straight and Gibbs would not take advantage of that.

"Go to sleep," he finally said as he threw a blanket over his junior agent's body. "We'll talk tomorrow."

"'kay," came back Tony's sleepy answer, his eyes already closing again.

With one last look at the man lying on his couch, Gibbs sighed and was just about to walk up the stairs to sleep in his guest room when Tony spoke up again, causing him to stop in his tracks for a second.

"Missed you, Ben."

Gibbs smiled even though he knew that Tony's eyes were still closed before he mumbled, "Missed you, too."

With that, he finally made his way upstairs, wondering if Tony would remember any of it by tomorrow morning.

.

Gibbs woke up with a start as he heard someone puttering around downstairs. He was about to reach for his gun as he realized that it was most likely Tony down there. He quickly dressed into an old pair of jeans and a white t-shirt and then went down the stairs, expecting Tony to be sitting on the couch. The living-room, however, was deserted and just as Gibbs felt his heart sink at the thought that Tony had already left, he heard a soft grunt coming from the kitchen. Trying to repress a smile at the thought of having Tony there in the mornings, he walked the couple of steps, but then stopped dead as he caught sight of the younger man. He was sitting on one of the chairs around his kitchen table, still looking as disheveled as the night before. His face was pale and he had his head propped up on one of his arms, quite obviously fighting a headache.

It wasn't his appearance though that made Gibbs' heart first miss a beat and then continue its rhythm erratically. No, it was more easily the photograph of himself and Tony that lay on the table in front of him - but that wasn't even the worst of it. Tony's hand was also holding the piece of paper that Gibbs had pinned to his fridge a couple of months ago. The young man stared at the drawing that Kelly had sent to her dad eleven years ago. How could Gibbs have forgotten about it being there last night?
Tony looked up from the piece of paper now and glanced at him, blanching, if possible, even more.

"'m sorry," he finally muttered. "Didn't mean to. Just wanted to get some more water."

Gibbs remained silent, still staring at the younger man, unable to do as much as blink at the moment. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind in an attempt to diffuse the situation, but he couldn't settle on anything but the truth. He couldn't tell that it was the drawing of a niece or any other kid. He had sometimes denied Shannon's existence whenever someone had asked him how many times he had been married, but he couldn't do that with his own daughter. So, he finally took a deep breath and then sat down opposite from Tony who was still looking at him intently. They stayed quiet for a moment or two before the younger man cleared his throat rather noisily, effectively breaking their eye contact as he redirected the glance to the drawing in his hand. Gibbs followed it and could just make out the scrawled handwriting at the bottom of the paper which read 'Miss you.'

"Who's this from?" Tony asked quietly, apparently having picked up on Gibbs' almost panicky mood because he spoke rather soothingly now.

Gibbs didn't answer immediately, only reached out and took the paper from Tony's slightly shaking hand to look at it for a moment. He could still lie about it, but he knew if he did so, he'd destroy everything he had worked for in the last couple of months and he certainly wouldn't be one jot better than back then when he had hit Tony in the face at the mention of his daughter's name. So, he let out a sigh and without looking up from the drawing finally answered barely above a whisper.

"Kelly."

He could hear Tony take in a sharp breath and looked at him again. The kid had turned even paler now and the hangover had most certainly nothing to do with it.

"Kelly?" he checked back just as quietly. "Is she…" he hesitated for a moment as he searched for Gibbs' eyes, "your daughter?"

Like in trance, Gibbs nodded once, trying to fight down his emotions. He hadn't talked about her in a very long time because nobody close to him – except for Mike - even knew she had existed. Franks would never broach the subject, knowing that he didn't like to talk about her and Shannon and Gibbs would always be eternally grateful for that. He knew, though, that Tony wouldn't do him the favor now. He took another deep breath and was finally able to clear the fog in his head somewhat as he looked at the younger man again. He had expected him to flip or walk out on him because of their encounter ten years previously, but he just looked back at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He didn't look angry though and his eyes were slightly brighter than usual as they stared at him rather kindly.

"Where is she now?" he finally asked and Gibbs gulped again, knowing that he'd get the pitying expression from Tony like from anyone else who had heard about her death if he told him now.

"She's…" he replied barely audible, so that Tony leaned closer ever so slightly. "She's dead."

The fierce pain that always made his heart ache whenever he thought of Kelly made itself perceivable and Gibbs closed his eyes for a moment, wondering if it had really been the right thing to do. Maybe he shouldn't have burdened Tony with the knowledge after all. He finally chanced a glance at him and was surprised that he wasn't able to see pity on the other man's face. Granted, he was still pale and his eyes seemed a bit glazed over, but he didn't offer any condolences for the moment. He just looked at him steadily before he muttered, more to himself than to Gibbs.

"Shit."

Gibbs blinked and then finally locked eyes with him again.

"When?" Tony asked after a little while.

"February, 1991," Gibbs answered quietly, realizing only now that his heartbeat was oddly enough back to normal.

"No wonder you…" Tony started and then broke off, shaking his head almost imperceptibly as he ran a hand through his hair. "God, I'm sorry, Jethro. If I had known…"

"Don't be," Gibbs hurried to interrupt him, knowing that Tony was apologizing for things he had had no control over. "You couldn't have known and I wasn't exactly keen on talking back then."

"Yeah," Tony answered thoughtfully as he reached out his hand.

Gibbs thought that he wanted to look at the drawing more closely again and he was about to give it to him when Tony softly tapped one finger against the knuckles of Gibbs' hand. He looked up again and saw a sympathetic smile on the other man's lips as he got a hold of his hand, squeezing it ever so slightly. Gibbs didn't pull away, just let it happen, savoring in the touch he had craved for so long now.

"How did it happen?" Tony finally asked, looking up from their joined hands.

"She died in a car crash along with my first wife while they were under NIS protection detail. Shannon wanted to testify against a drug dealer… and he…," Gibbs gulped, blinked a couple of times and eventually continued when he felt Tony squeeze his hand again. "And he decided to have her killed. I was overseas when it happened."

He looked back at Tony and saw him nod once, a lone tear running down his face. He looked so broken as he sat there that Gibbs felt the need to console him rise up inside of him, even though he knew that Tony wasn't the one who needed consolation at this point. They remained silent for a very long time, never breaking their eye contact, never letting go of each other's hand. Gibbs didn't know what to say, didn't know why he felt like a weight had been pulled off his shoulders and didn't know what Tony thought about him now.

"I'm sorry for what I said about Kelly back then," Tony finally interrupted the silence. "I just assumed…"

"I know," Gibbs replied quietly. "But you've nothing to be sorry about. I was… not in the right frame of mind to do much of anything back then. I had just lost my wife and kid and didn't know how to live my life anymore. I wanted to…," Gibbs broke off again, desperately trying to blink back his tears and finally losing the battle. "The week before I met you… I wanted to kill myself because there was nothing there to fight for anymore. I sat at a beach for hours, staring at my gun and cheering myself on to just do it. I felt so pathetic that I couldn't do it. First, I wasn't able to save my girls and then I couldn't even save myself, you know. I was so messed up."

He trailed off, wiping away the tears that were openly streaming down his face now with his free hand before he looked at Tony again who had intently listened to his story with wide eyes.

"And then, I met you. I was drinking much too much and you were right. If you hadn't taken my keys that first night, I probably would have ended up dead in a car wreck myself. I was furious at first that you didn't let me drive, but then, after the second night in that stupid bar, I realized that I actually liked talking to you because you were so open and, you know, you didn't know shit about me. It was so different, so I came back for more and I thought that I could play it cool, could enjoy the couple of days with you without hurting so much. And it actually worked. It actually worked until I slipped up and told you about Kelly."

"You've let your guard down for a minute or two," Tony continued quietly and Gibbs nodded.

He had done exactly that, had let Tony kiss him and had talked without thinking, messing everything up.

"And when you asked me if Kelly was my girlfriend I just snapped. But it wasn't just about what you said… I just," Gibbs trailed off again, giving Tony's hand a squeeze. "I realized that for a moment I thought it wasn't about forgetting about the girls anymore. For a moment I actually thought that I liked you, that you were more than just a one-night-stand and it scared the crap out of me. I didn't realize it until long afterwards that that was the real reason I've hit you. Just because you made me feel good again, made me feel human again. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Tony whispered, giving him a sad smile.

Gibbs watched him get up from the chair, never letting go of his hand, and take a couple of steps so that he was standing directly in front of him. He got to his feet, too, and then, before he could even blink once, felt himself enveloped in a tight hug. He stiffened up for a moment before he relaxed into the touch as his arms came around the other man. He rested his chin on Tony's shoulder for the briefest of moments before he buried his face in the other man's shoulder, taking in his scent. He smelled of his aftershave and stale alcohol, but Gibbs didn't care. It was just good to feel the warmth radiating from him, to feel his strong arms around him, to feel himself be held like that.

"I'm so sorry," Tony whispered into his ear, not letting go of him. "I'm so sorry."