Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but Stephenie Meyers does. Nor Bobby Rivers' Walking Around in Women's Underwear song. I do own Melvin and the story idea.

Moose on the Loose

Chapter 4 – Sounds of Silence Would've Been Better

Emmett

"Yeah, sounds like someone's singing, actually two someone's. Who the hell would be out here in the middle of the woods singing that's just bizarre, and I know bizarre."

"I don't hear anything." Bella said.

"You'll hear it in a moment and trust me whoever it is can't sing for shit, they sound like a moose in heat. And what in the hell is that song; I've never heard it before. The tune sounds like a Christmas song, but the words more like porn or some shit like that."

"I'm shocked Emmett, you mean to tell me you don't know every overly graphic sexual song that exists?" Jazz said quirking an eyebrow at me.

"It saddens me to say that I may have missed this one, but rest assured I will get to the bottom of it and be adding it to my repertoire."

"Yeah, I was afraid of that. You're going to torture us with it aren't you."

"Now why would you say that? You know I'm just sharing and if I recall correctly Esme is in favor of and encourages sharing." HAH! "Jazz slow down, we don't want to scare whoever they are." We should probably be more scared or should I say going to be scarred from listening.

We slowed down a bit and started to move more at a quick human pace. As we approached whoever it was, I signaled Jazz to stop so we could listen.

Lacey things, the wife is missing.

Didn't ask, for her permission

I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose.

Walking around in women's underwear.

"Hey, I wonder if Bella'd wear my underwear, fuck that'd be sexy as hell. Yeah, I'd like to see her in my black silk boxers and t-shirt. Damn I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Does Emma wear yours?"

I turned to look at Jasper and my eyes and his went wide as freakin' dinner plates. It was Edward, and he was…he said 'fuck,' openly talking provocative and sounded drunk. I chanced a glance at Bella and she was just smiling, strange.

I whisper to Jasper, "hey that sounds like Edward and he sounds drunk. I know drunk, remember that from being human. Do you think he's talking to himself?"

He whispered back, "I don't know, let's listen a little more."

"We don't wear clothes Fl-Edward."

I whispered again, "so there is someone there with him and it sounds like they're a nudist or exhibitionist." Cripes, could this get any stranger?

In the store, there's a teddy.

With little straps, like spaghetti.

It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night.

Walking around in women's underwear

"I'd like Bella to wear something with sketty straps, blue silk, short, yeah some lace maybe too. She'd look fuck hot in something like that, not that she doesn't look fuck hot all the time, but that'd be even betterest. I might even have to rip it off with my teeth. Maybe she'd rip my clothes off too."

And there you go stranger just got knocked out of the ballpark into the stratosphere landing right into drunken-wacko-perv-land. Which I may or may not have visited on occasion, that'd be perv-land since I can't get drunk, and as far as wacko goes, that's the norm for me.

I heard a slight moan come from behind Jasper and I, so I glanced back to see it was Bella who was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. God help Edward, he was fantasy talking and Bella was taking detailed notes.

"Whatdda about handcuffs Fl-Edward?"

"Handcuffs, hehehe, they'd never work on me, remember me vampire."

Holy shit whoever this was knew he was a vampire. Was it another vampire? Wait a minute, I need to focus on the important thing here, Edward wants to try handcuffs! Fuck me sideways and upside down hanging in New York's harbor from the Statue of Liberty's book of justice.

I looked at Bella who was still smiling and then looked at Jasper. We both nodded to one another thinking the same thing. The boy had some kink to him.

"Let's go get him." I whispered to both of them.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin.

"Hey, your name's…."

The three of us burst through the trees to find Edward sitting against a tree. I looked around to see who else was here and I could see Jasper doing the same. There was no one here with him, just some giant moose stuck in a tree. Alice was right, he's talking to himself.

Before we could say anything, Bella slipped between us and ran over to Edward. She straddled his lap and started kissing him all over his face.

"Oh my god Edward, I was so worried about you. Are you all right? Are you hurt? What's the matter? I love you Edward. I was so scared. I love you. Let me help you up." She rambled on.

"I'm fine my Bella, but I could use…"

"Whatever it is, just tell me."

"How about I show you," he smiled as his eyes danced with mirth.

Edward wrapped his arms around Bella, pulled her toward him and attached his lips firmly to hers. They were both moaning and getting hot and heavy, the likes of which I've never seen. Her hands were running on his shoulders, neck and into his hair while his one hand slid behind her neck and the other down her back where he cupped one of her ass cheeks. That made her moan deeply into his mouth causing him to moan as he shifted against her.

I elbowed Jasper after I realized that we were both standing there slack-jawed watching them like it was some circus sideshow. Well technically it was since we've never seen Edward so free, relaxed, oh who am I kidding, he's horny as fuck sexing Bella up. I wouldn't be surprised if his dick was knocking on his zipper demanding to be let out before he ripped through the pants to get at Bella.

When I saw his hand skimming the side of her breast, I knew we needed to get him home and into bed so he could finish this properly. I may be a sex fiend, and Edward may be a bit drunk and all, but I would never let them fuck in the woods for their first time. I know, I know, I'm definitely the best brother in the world, a real softee. I deserve a coffee mug with that printed on it. I wouldn't use if for coffee, but you do need a mug to heat up the blood in the microwave sometimes and that would be totally awesome. Hey, I'm a civilized vamp, I use utensils and shit.

Just as I was going to put a stop to the insanity I heard, "Psst, Psst."

"Did you hear that?" I poked Jasper with my elbow.

"Yeah."

"Who's there? Whoever you are, come out into the open so we can see you." I demanded.

"Pftsts, ups here in da tree. Youuuu Whooooo. Yodel lay you who, yodel lay…"

"What the hell, there's no one in a tree just a moose. Jasper do you see anyone?"

"No, but that moose looks a little strange and what the hell is he doing in a tree?"

"You're asking me? How the fuck should I know."

"If you'd ask me Fl-Emmett and Fl-Assper, I'd tell youse guys."

"WHAT THE FUCK! DID THE MOOSE JUST TALK? HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER, HE KNOWS OUR NAMES? Jasper what do we do?" We were now both staring at said moose.

"Yup, I'm a moose and I'm on the loose, the names Melvin."

"You're asking me when you're the one who is the pro with weird. I may be married to Alice, but this is well beyond even some of the crap she's pulled." Okay, so he might have a point.

"Hey, I'm not weird, just a little tipsy." Melvin stated.

"Yeah, but how can you talk? I never heard a moose talk, did you Jasper?"

"Can't say that I rightly have Emmett, but there are more things in heaven and earth that we don't know about. Maybe he's special."

"Yep, I'm special."

"SPECIAL, SPECIAL, OH GOOD GOD, I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE AN aneurysm." Rosie wouldn't like that. "Where are we? Did we slip into another dimension where moose can talk?"

"Why can't I talk? You're a vampire who drinks animal blood and I'm not freaking the hell out about that am I now Fl-Emmett? Technically, you shouldn't exist, but here you three are, standing next to the talking moose."

"You know he does have a point Emmett. I've seen many a strange thing in my lifetime, especially during the vampire wars. Just let it be and we never have to talk about it again. Okay?" Jasper was making sense to me, scary, very scary, he never made sense. Well to me at least.

Realizing that while I was moose-talking, the circus freaks were still at it and I looked over to see what was going on. I prayed that clothing was still intact. Thankfully it was, but Bella's hand was now in between the two of them and she was palming Edward's cock while he was feeling her up. Shit! We needed to get out of here like yesterday.

Before I could clear my throat to break the two of them apart so we could get the hell out of here, Melvin spoke up.

"Hey, I know, let's ask my Bella. She'll be able to tell us." Ut oh.

Edward detached his lips from Bella and said, "she is not your Bella, she is MY Bella, mine, mine, mine, mine. Do you understand that Meldin? She is MY Bella."

"Yes Edward, I'm your Bella and you're MY Edward." Could these two be more sickening?

"Sorry Edward, I thought that was her name."

"Isst okay Melvin, as long as we are clear. Mine." And they went back to kissing and groping.

"Alrighty then, now that that is cleared up, we need to go home."

"I like it just fine here." Bella stated as she pecked Edward's lips. I took one look at Jasper so he'd take a hint and step in here which he thankfully did.

"Bella, hun, how about we go back to the house, you know where Edward has a nice private bedroom with a very comfy bed and beautiful bathroom. Where it might be a good idea for a shower, you know the one where two people can easily fit into." Oh he's good, clearly could entice satan into visiting heaven as if he were just visiting a new neighbor to greet them to the neighborhood.

"Edward, what do you think? We could be comfy all night in your room since I'm sleeping over," she giggled.

"Maybe we won't be doing that much sleeping," He whisper-yelled wiggling his eyebrows. Yeah, someone was getting laid tonight and maybe I would too once we got the drunk home.

A/N: Please review and receive a kiss from Drunkward! Hmmm, going home it's going to be easy right?

Three good friends of mine, Michele, Laura and Lisa have published a New Valentine's Day Anthology, called Life is More Than Candy Hearts (The Candy Collection) and is available on Amazon www . amazon . com (remove the spaces). You should definitely check it out, I plan to.